What a Parent Feels
GENEAL had taken her six children—five girls and one boy—for a vacation to visit some friends in upstate New York. One day the girls decided to go into town. The son Jimmy and another boy asked if they could go hiking. The boys were told to be very careful and to return by early afternoon.
By late afternoon the boys hadn’t returned. “The later it got, the more worried I grew,” recalls Geneal. “I thought maybe one of them had got hurt and the other wouldn’t leave him.” The search continued through the night. Early the next morning they were found and everyone’s worst fears were confirmed—the boys had fallen to their death. Though ten years have gone by, Geneal explains: “I’ll never forget when that police officer walked into the house. His face was extremely pale. I knew what he was going to tell me even before he said a word.”
And the feelings? They go beyond the common feelings that accompany other losses. As Geneal explains: “I gave birth to Jimmy. He was only 12 years old when he died. He had his whole life ahead of him. I have had other losses in my life. But the feeling is different when you’re a parent and your child dies.”
The death of a child has been described as “the ultimate loss,” “the most devastating death.” Why? Explains the book Death and Grief in the Family: “A child’s death is so unexpected. It’s out of order, unnatural. . . . Parents expect to look after their children, keep them safe, and raise them to be normal, healthy adults. When a child dies, it’s as if the rug has been pulled out from underneath us.”
In some respects it’s particularly hard for the mother. After all, as Geneal explained, something that has come out of her has died. Thus the Bible acknowledges the bitter grief that a mother can feel. (2 Kings 4:27) Of course, it’s difficult for the bereaved father as well. He also feels the pain, the hurt. (Compare Genesis 42:36-38 and; 2 Samuel 18:33.) But often he will hold back from openly expressing his emotions for fear of appearing unmasculine. It may hurt him, too, when others express more concern for his wife’s feelings than for his.
Sometimes a bereaved parent comes to have a special sense of guilt. There may be thoughts such as, ‘Could I have loved him more?’ ‘Did I tell him I loved him often enough?’ and ‘I would have held him more.’ Or, as Geneal expressed it: “I wish I could have spent more time with Jimmy.”
It’s natural for parents to feel responsible for their child. But at times bereaved parents will blame themselves, feeling that they failed to do something that could have prevented the death. For example, the Bible describes the patriarch Jacob’s reaction when he was led to believe that his young son Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. Jacob himself had sent Joseph out to check on the welfare of his brothers. So perhaps he was plagued with guilt feelings such as, ‘Why did I send Joseph out alone? Why did I send him out into an area abounding with wild beasts?’ Thus, Jacob’s “sons and all his daughters kept rising up to comfort him, but he kept refusing to take comfort.”—Genesis 37:33-35.
As if the loss of their child were not enough, some report another loss—the loss of friends. Friends may actually stay away. Why? Geneal observed: “A lot of people shy away because they don’t know what to say to you.”
When a Baby Dies
Juanita knew how it felt to lose a baby. By the time she was in her early 20’s, she had had five miscarriages. Now she was pregnant again. So when a car accident forced her to be hospitalized, she was understandably worried. Two weeks later she went into labor—prematurely. Shortly afterward little Vanessa was born—just over two pounds (0.9 kg). “I was so excited,” she recalls. “I was finally a mother!”
But her happiness was short-lived. Four days later Vanessa died. Recalls Juanita: “I felt so empty. My motherhood was taken away from me. I felt incomplete. It was painful to come home to the room we had prepared for Vanessa and to look at the little undershirts I had bought for her. For the next couple of months, I relived the day of her birth. I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone.”
An extreme reaction? It may be hard for others to understand, but those who, like Juanita, have gone through it explain that they grieved for their baby just as they would for someone who had lived for some time. Long before a child is born, they explain, it is loved by its parents. When that baby dies, it’s a real person that’s lost. Gone are the parents’ hopes of taking care of the one who’s been moving inside its mother’s womb.
Following such a loss, it’s understandable that the newly bereaved parent may feel uncomfortable around other pregnant women and mothers with their children. Recalls Juanita: “I couldn’t stand to see a pregnant woman. Why, there were times when I actually left a store right in the middle of shopping just because I saw a pregnant woman.”
Then there are other feelings—such as fear (‘Will I ever have a normal child?’) or embarrassment (‘What do I tell friends and relatives?’) or anger. Recalls Bonnie whose daughter died two and a half days after birth: “There were times when I felt, ‘Why me? Why my little baby?’” And sometimes there’s humiliation. Juanita explains: “There were mothers leaving the hospital with their babies, and all I had was a stuffed animal that my husband had bought. I felt humiliated.”
If you have lost a loved one in death, it can be helpful to know that what you’re going through is normal, that others have gone through the same thing and have felt similarly.
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To many, the death of a child is “the ultimate loss”