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The Divorce ExplosionAwake!—1992 | February 8
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What is behind all these divorces? Political changes may be part of the answer. In many countries the walls of State prohibition against divorce—long supported by influential religious groups—have collapsed in recent years. For instance, in the 1980’s, Argentina declared unconstitutional a law that allowed no legal divorce. Spain and Italy likewise instituted legal divorce. But such changes in law are not always accompanied by a leap in divorce rates.
So something much deeper than the legal system must be at work behind the global divorce epidemic. Author Joseph Epstein touched on it when he wrote that not long ago, “to have been divorced was to have had legally certified, as it were, one’s own lack of character.” But today, he writes, “in some circles, not to have gone through a divorce seems more exceptional than having gone through one; here living out one’s days within the confines of a single marriage might even be thought to show an insufficiency of imagination.”—Divorced in America.
In other words, the fundamental attitudes that people hold toward marriage have changed. Respect and reverence for an institution long held sacred is eroding. So around the world, divorce is becoming more acceptable.
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The Divorce TrapAwake!—1992 | February 8
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The Divorce Trap
ANDREW and Ann made a wonderful couple. Ann was the quieter and more thoughtful of the two, but her cheerful calm seemed the ideal counterpoint to Andrew’s more outgoing personality, his irrepressible energy and humor. Her eyes lighted up in his presence. And anyone could see that he doted on her.
After seven years, though, their marriage began to unravel. Andrew got a new job that consumed much of his time. Ann grew to resent his new preoccupation with work and his frequent late nights. She tried “filling all the empty space,” as she put it, by immersing herself in her own career. But before long Andrew was coming home with alcohol on his breath, explaining that he’d been out with business associates. His drinking problem worsened, and Ann finally moved out of their apartment. Andrew spiraled down into depression. Within months, they were divorced.
To many this story may sound much too familiar. As we have seen, divorce rates have soared all over the world. And to be sure, some divorces are inevitable or necessary. The Bible does not categorically forbid divorce, as many assume. Its standards are fair and reasonable, allowing divorce on the grounds of adultery (Matthew 19:9); its principles also allow for marital separation under certain extreme circumstances, such as physical abuse.a (See Matthew 5:32; 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11.) But these were not the principles behind the divorce of Andrew and Ann.
Andrew and Ann were Christians and had once revered marriage as sacred. But like all of us, they live in a world that preaches a very different ethic—that marriage is disposable and divorce a means of disposal. Every year this kind of thinking influences thousands of couples to divorce for reasons that are less than solid, less than Scriptural. And many come to realize—too late—that their “modern,” “enlightened” attitude toward divorce has lured them into a trap.
Trap? ‘A rather dire word,’ some might say. You might feel, as so many do today, that divorce is simply a civilized way to get out of a miserable marriage. But are you aware of the darker side of divorce? And have you seen how subtly the world of today can shape our notions about divorce—without our realizing it?
The Lure of Self-Fulfillment
With Andrew and Ann, part of the bait that lured them into divorce was the seductive promise of self-fulfillment through a successful career. Their marriage fell victim to the ‘career first’ mentality. It was hardly the first such victim. The journal Family Relations noted back in 1983: “Individual self-fulfillment has become the watchword. Consequently, close ties to most family members are quickly cut and even the marriage bond is under increasing pressure.” Andrew was very impressed with his new job and its promise of advancement. He took on extra projects and socialized with his colleagues after hours in order to gain more respect and acceptance. Meanwhile, Ann’s career dazzled her with visions of success through further education.
Chasing the lure of success had a two-fold effect. First, it meant that Andrew and Ann had less time for each other. As Ann put it: “We were being pulled in different directions. So we didn’t have our ten o’clock conferences at night as we used to, sitting down and talking things out. He was getting ready for his next day at work, and so was I. Communication stopped.”
The second effect was spiritual. By putting their careers first, they were shifting their relationship with God into the background just when they needed him the most. A concerted program of applying Bible principles could have helped Andrew to tackle his drinking problem and given Ann the strength to stick with her husband through this difficult ordeal.
So instead of working on their marriage problems, they began to see divorce as a viable option, perhaps even as a release from all the pressure. After the divorce, their guilt and shame made them drop their spiritual life altogether. They no longer professed to be Christians.
The “Experts” Help to Bait the Trap
Many couples, when faced with marital problems, turn to marriage counselors and therapists or to books written by such authorities. But sadly, some modern marriage “experts” have proved more adept at promoting divorce than at preserving marriage. In recent decades “expert” opinions against marriage have swarmed like hungry locusts.
For instance, psychotherapists Susan Gettleman and Janet Markowitz lament in The Courage to Divorce: “The irrational belief persists that divorced people have deviated from some benign entity called ‘normal family life.’” They rail at the “legal barriers and moral values” against divorce that are “based on religious principles that originated centuries ago.” Divorce, they argue, will be around until the “gradual obsolescence of marriage” makes divorce “unnecessary.” They recommend their book to lawyers, judges—and ministers!
‘Divorce isn’t bad. Divorce is liberating. The prevalence of divorce is not a sign that something is wrong with society; it’s a sign that something is wrong with the institution of marriage.’ More than a few “experts” have taught that viewpoint, especially during the heyday of the sexual revolution of the 1960’s and 1970’s. More recently, some pop psychologists and anthropologists have even speculated that man is “programmed”—by evolution, of all things—to switch mates every few years. In other words, extramarital affairs and divorces are only natural.
It is hard to imagine how many marriages have been damaged by such notions. But many other experts encourage divorce in more subtle ways. As Diane Medved researched her book The Case Against Divorce, she found some 50 books in her local library that if they did not promote divorce outright, at least served to ‘cheer readers on through divorce.’ She warns: “These books ease you like silk into the singles game and tout your ‘new freedom’ as if it . . . is the ultimate means toward fulfillment.”
Other Influences
Of course, there are many other divorce-promoting influences besides misguided “experts.” The media—TV, movies, magazines, romance novels—often add up to an ongoing storm of propaganda against marriage. At times the media purvey the message that endless excitement, titillation, and fulfillment lie outside the boring humdrum of married life and that at the end of this glittering rainbow of singleness and freedom waits another mate, vastly superior to the one at home.
Simply being skeptical of such subversive ideas may not be a protection against them. As Medved puts it: “You see a film, and even in your sophistication you are subject to its power. You can’t avoid it—the plot and the interaction are rigged to draw sympathy to the main character (the philandering husband?) and antipathy to the villain (the shrewish wife?). . . . You personally may not condone what you see, but the mere knowledge that others do, reinforced in myriad other ways throughout our culture, rips your own resolve and certainty.”
The conduct of our fellow humans does influence us. If that is true of media messages, how much more so of the friends we choose! Wisely, the Bible warns: “Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33) A good marriage is one of the most useful of habits. We can spoil it if we befriend those who do not respect the institution. Many couples have found themselves eased down the road to divorce because they confided their marital problems to such “friends”—sometimes even to those who themselves had chosen divorce without real justification.
Others prematurely seek legal advice when their marriage is under strain. They forget that the legal system in many lands is a well-oiled machine designed to facilitate divorce. After all, lawyers profit from handling divorces, not reconciliations.
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