YOUNG PEOPLE ASK
What if My Parents Are Divorcing?
One of the most stressful situations young ones can face is the divorce of their parents. How can you deal with the grief?
In this article
Three things you should avoid
1. Taking the blame
“My mom once told me that all the problems between her and my dad started when I was born, so I assumed that I was the reason my parents’ marriage failed.”—Diana.
Keep this in mind: The divorce is not about you. It’s about issues between your parents. You did not cause their problems and you cannot solve them. They are responsible for taking care of their marital difficulties.
2. Harboring resentment
“I am very angry with my dad for being unfaithful to my mom. It would take a lot for him to regain my trust.”—Rianna.
Keep this in mind: You are probably angry and frustrated because of what is happening between your parents, and you have good reason to be. But holding on to resentment is not healthy. It can hurt you physically and emotionally. That’s why it has been said that harboring resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick.a
3. Doubting your potential for a happy marriage
“I’m so afraid that I’ll do what my father did. I’m afraid that if I get married and have kids, I’ll put myself in the very situation that led to my parents’ divorce.”—Jessica.
Keep this in mind: Just because your parents’ marriage has failed, it doesn’t mean that your marriage will fail. In fact, you can learn valuable lessons from your parents’ experience. For instance, you may become more aware of the traits to look out for in a prospective marriage mate. Your parents’ failed marriage can also motivate you to develop qualities that will make you a better husband or wife.
Getting over your parents’ divorce is like recovering from a broken bone. What is painful now should get better with time
Three things you can do
1. Communicate. People who bottle up negative feelings may be prone to self-destructive practices, like abusing alcohol or drugs. Instead of going that route, try the following:
Talk to your parents. If one or both parents are trying to involve you in their issues, calmly but firmly explain to them how this is affecting you. If you find it hard to talk to them in person, you could write a letter to one or both of them.
Talk to a trusted friend. Just having someone who will hear you out can be a tremendous relief. The Bible says that “a true friend shows love at all times and is a brother who is born for times of distress.”—Proverbs 17:17.
Talk to your Creator. You always have a listening ear with the “Hearer of prayer,” Jehovah God. (Psalm 65:2) The Bible says that you can “throw all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.”—1 Peter 5:7.
Which parent can you talk to in a calm, controlled manner?
Which trusted friend (peer or adult) could you make part of your support team?
Which specific issues could you pray about?
2. Adapt to change
Your parents’ divorce might require that you adjust to a new home, a new school, or a new income level, even new friends. Understandably, this can be frustrating and stressful, and you may feel that your whole life has been turned upside down. What can make the change easier for you? Try to focus on how you can adapt to the new circumstances.
What is the biggest change that you have had to make because of your parents’ divorce?
What steps can you take to adapt to that change?
3. Acknowledge your strengths
While parental divorce can cause you a lot of anxiety, it can also teach you to appreciate your strengths. It may even enable you to acquire new ones. “My parents’ divorce forced me to be more responsible,” says Jeremy, whose parents divorced when he was 13. “I was the older child, so I had to help my mom more and also be a support to my little brother.”
Your parents’ divorce can move you to be more responsible at home
Because of your parents’ situation, what strengths have you discovered in yourself?
What traits would you like to work on?
a To learn more, see the article “How Can I Control My Anger?”