How to Have a Successful Courtship

1-2. How do some feel about courtship?

COURTSHIP can be a joyful, exciting time. If you are currently in a courtship, no doubt you want it to go well. And for many couples, it does. Tsion,a a sister from Ethiopia, says: “One of the happiest times of my life was when my husband and I dated. We had serious discussions, and we also laughed. I was happy when I realized that I had found someone I love and who loves me.”

² However, Alessio, a brother from the Netherlands, says, “It was enjoyable to get to know my wife when we were dating, but our courtship also had challenges.” In this article, we will discuss some potential challenges and some Bible principles that can help couples to have a successful courtship. We will also consider how others in the congregation can support courting couples.

THE PURPOSE OF COURTSHIP

3. What is the purpose of courtship? (Proverbs 20:25)

³ Although courtship can be enjoyable, it is also a serious step that may lead to marriage. On their wedding day, a couple vow before Jehovah to love and respect each other for as long as they both live. Before making any vow, we should consider the matter very carefully. (Read Proverbs 20:25.) That is certainly true of the marriage vow. Courtship allows a couple to get to know each other and to make a good decision. Sometimes that decision is to get married; sometimes that decision is to end the courtship. If a couple break up, this does not mean that their courtship failed. Instead, the courtship served its purpose​—it helped them come to a good decision.

4. Why should we have the right view of courtship?

⁴ Why is it important to have the right view of courtship? When single people have the proper viewpoint, they will not date someone they have no intention of marrying. Single people, however, are not the only ones who need to have the right perspective. All of us should develop it. For example, some think that if a couple are dating, they must get married. How does this attitude affect single Christians? Melissa, a single sister in the United States, says: “There is a lot of pressure on Witnesses who are dating. As a result, some courting couples avoid ending a relationship that is not working. Other single ones avoid dating altogether. The pressure can be overwhelming.”

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER WELL

5-6. What should a courting couple strive to learn about each other? (1 Peter 3:4)

⁵ If you are in a courtship, what will help you decide whether to get married or not? Get to know each other well. You likely learned some things about the other person before you began dating. But now you have the opportunity to get to know “the secret person of the heart.” (Read 1 Peter 3:4.) This involves learning more about your prospective mate’s spirituality, personality, and thinking. Over time, you should be able to answer such questions as: ‘Will this person be a good marriage mate for me?’ (Prov. 31:26, 27, 30; Eph. 5:33; 1 Tim. 5:8) ‘Can we fulfill each other’s emotional needs? Can we live with each other’s shortcomings?’b (Rom. 3:23) As you get to know each other, remember: Compatibility is largely determined, not by how similar you are, but by how adaptable you are to each other’s differences.

⁶ What other matters should you learn about the other person during courtship? Before you become too emotionally involved, you may want to discuss some important matters, such as the other person’s goals. But what about such personal matters as health issues, financial problems, or past trauma? Not all topics need to be discussed at the beginning of the courtship. (Compare John 16:12.) If you feel that it is too soon to answer some particularly personal questions, let the other person know. Nevertheless, in time your prospective mate will need to know this information in order to make a balanced decision. So at some point, you will have to open up.

7. How can a courting couple get to know each other? (See also the box “Long-Distance Courtships.”) (See also pictures.)

⁷ How can you get to know what the other person is like deep inside? One of the best ways is to talk openly and honestly, to ask questions and really listen. (Prov. 20:5; Jas. 1:19) To that end, you may find it helpful to engage in activities that lend themselves to conversation, such as eating together, taking walks together in public areas, and preaching together. You can also learn about each other when you spend time with friends and family. Additionally, plan activities that will show you how the other person acts in different circumstances and with different people. Note what Aschwin, from the Netherlands, tried to do. He says about his courtship with Alicia: “We looked for activities that would help us learn about each other. Often these were simple things, such as preparing a meal together or doing chores together. During such activities, we saw each other’s strengths and weaknesses.”

8. How may a courting couple benefit by studying together?

⁸ You can also get to know each other by studying spiritual topics together. If you get married, you will need to make time for family worship, so that God is an essential part of your marriage. (Eccl. 4:12) So why not schedule time to study together now, during your courtship? Of course, a courting couple are not a family yet, and the brother is not the sister’s head yet. Nevertheless, by studying together regularly, you can learn about each other’s spirituality. Max and Laysa, a couple from the United States, found another benefit. He says: “Early in our courtship, we started studying publications on the subjects of dating, marriage, and family life. Those publications opened the door to conversations on many important matters that would not have come up naturally.”

OTHER FACTORS TO CONSIDER

9. What factors should a courting couple consider when deciding whom to tell about their courtship?

⁹ Whom should you tell about your courtship? That is for you to decide as a couple. Early in the relationship, you may consider limiting the number of people you tell. (Prov. 17:27) By doing so, you may avoid unnecessary pressure and questions. However, if you do not tell anyone, you might end up isolating yourselves for fear that others will find out. This can be dangerous. So it would be wise at least to inform those who can provide good advice and practical assistance. (Prov. 15:22) For example, you could tell certain family members, mature friends, or Christian elders.

10. What can a couple do to keep their courtship honorable? (Proverbs 22:3)

¹⁰ How can you keep your courtship honorable? As your feelings grow, you will naturally feel more attracted to each other. What can help you to keep yourselves morally clean? (1 Cor. 6:18) Avoid immoral conversations, being alone together, and heavy drinking. (Eph. 5:3) These things can arouse passion and weaken your resolve to do what is right. Why not regularly discuss together what measures you can take to keep your courtship honorable? (Read Proverbs 22:3.) Note what helped Dawit and Almaz from Ethiopia. They say: “We would spend time together in places where there were plenty of people or in the company of other friends. We were never alone in a car or a house. Thus, we avoided situations that could be tempting.”

11. What factors should a courting couple consider when deciding on displays of affection?

¹¹ What about displays of affection? Some may be appropriate as your relationship progresses. However, if your passions are aroused, you will likely find it hard to think objectively about the other person. (Song of Sol. 1:2; 2:6) Displays of affection can also easily escalate and lead to misconduct. (Prov. 6:27) Therefore, early in your relationship, discuss what limits you will set, in harmony with Bible principles.c (1 Thess. 4:3-7) As a couple, ask yourselves: ‘How would people where we live view displays of affection between us? Could these actions arouse passion in either of us?’

12. What should a courting couple be aware of regarding problems and disagreements during a courtship?

¹² How can you handle problems and disagreements? What if you have disagreements from time to time? Would this indicate that your relationship is not working? Not necessarily; all couples have differences. A strong marriage is made up of two people who can work together to overcome their differences. So how you work through problems now may reveal whether your marriage will be successful. As a couple, ask yourselves: ‘Can we discuss matters calmly and respectfully? Do we readily admit our shortcomings and try to improve? Are we quick to yield, apologize, and forgive?’ (Eph. 4:31, 32) Nevertheless, if you constantly disagree or argue during courtship, the situation will not likely improve after you get married. If you realize that the other person is not right for you, ending the courtship would be the best decision for both of you.d

13. What factors can help a courting couple determine how long their courtship should last?

¹³ How long should your courtship last? Hasty decisions often bring negative consequences. (Prov. 21:5) So your courtship should be long enough for you to get well-acquainted with the other person. However, you should not prolong the courtship unnecessarily. The Bible also says: “Expectation postponed makes the heart sick.” (1 Cor. 7:9; Prov. 13:12) Additionally, as the courtship progresses, it may get more difficult to resist sexual temptation. Instead of focusing on how long you have been dating, you could ask yourself, ‘What do I still need to learn about the other person in order to make a decision?’

HOW CAN OTHERS SUPPORT COURTING COUPLES?

14. In what practical ways can others support a courting couple? (See also picture.)

¹⁴ If we know a courting couple, how can we help them? We could invite them to join us for a meal, for family worship, or for recreation. (Rom. 12:13) Under those circumstances, they may get to know each other even more. Do they need a chaperone, help with transportation, or a place where they can talk privately? If so, could we offer to help? (Gal. 6:10) Alicia, mentioned earlier, recalls what she and Aschwin appreciated. She says, “We found it heartwarming that some brothers said that we could visit them if we needed a place to be together but not secluded.” If you are asked to chaperone, why not consider it a privilege? Be careful not to leave the couple completely alone, but also discern when they need time and space to talk privately.​—Phil. 2:4.

15. What else can friends do to help a courting couple? (Proverbs 12:18)

¹⁵ We can also support courting couples by what we say or do not say. At times, we may need to control ourselves. (Read Proverbs 12:18.) For instance, we may be eager to tell others that a couple have begun dating, but the couple may want to share the news themselves. We should not gossip about a courting couple or criticize them about personal matters. (Prov. 20:19; Rom. 14:10; 1 Thess. 4:11) Furthermore, the couple may not appreciate comments or questions implying that they should or will get married. A sister named Elise and her husband recall, “We found it awkward when others asked us about our wedding plans when we hadn’t discussed them yet.”

16. How should we react if a couple end their courtship?

¹⁶ What if a couple decide to end the courtship? We should avoid prying into the matter or taking sides. (1 Pet. 4:15) A sister named Lea says: “I heard that others had been speculating about why a brother and I broke up. I was really hurt.” As mentioned earlier, a breakup does not necessarily mean that the couple failed. Usually, it simply means that the courtship achieved its purpose​—it helped the couple come to a good decision. However, that decision may still have caused them emotional pain and may have left them feeling alone. So we can look for ways to support them.​—Prov. 17:17.

17. What should courting couples continue to do?

¹⁷ As we have seen, courtship can have its challenges, but it can also be enjoyable. Jessica recalls: “Quite honestly, courtship was a lot of work. But it was 100 percent worth the time and energy.” If you are a courting couple, continue working on getting to know each other well. If you do, you will have a successful courtship​—one that will help you both to make a wise decision.