“Quality Time” Doled Out in Limited Quantities
FEW parents take enough time for their children these days. Many are single and are struggling to provide for their offspring without the help of a spouse. And because of the deteriorating economic climate, more married parents are finding that both father and mother must work outside the home in order for the family to stay afloat financially. Little surprise, then, that the notion of quality time has flourished.
As it is generally understood, quality time usually involves scheduling some time to spend with a child, often with a specific activity in mind—a special outing, for instance, such as a trip to the zoo. Clearly, the notion has merit. Children need any special attention they can get. However, the popular concept of quality time has some drawbacks that are becoming more obvious to experts in child care.
Apparently, many busy, career-oriented parents have adopted the beguiling notion that spending a structured, scheduled bit of time with a child will take care of all the child’s needs for parental attention. Thus, the New York Daily News quotes Dr. Lee Salk, a professor at Cornell University Medical School in the United States, as saying: “The concept of quality time is nonsense.” He explains: “The term has grown out of parental guilt. People were giving themselves permission to spend less time with their children.”
But doesn’t the quality of the time, with the parent’s undivided attention focused on the child, make up for the lack of quantity? No, for a simple reason—parents teach their children most powerfully by example. The dark side of this truism was grimly illustrated by a recent study of inner-city youths. Those who had family members in jail while growing up were twice as likely to end up in jail themselves. Similarly, those growing up under the care of alcohol or drug abusers were nearly twice as likely to take up those deadly habits.
Good parental example can be just as powerful. The problem is that setting a good example takes time, long stretches of it, not just tidy little packets of quality time. As the New York Daily News put it: “The problem with the quality-time concept is that the key moments between a parent and child—the conversations and decisions that instill security, values and self-esteem—are spontaneous.” No one can schedule a spontaneous moment. A parent may set aside 15 minutes of quality time to spend with a child, but who is to say that parent and child will reach a good rapport during that time? And how will the child learn by example if those are the only minutes in the day spent with a parent?
Since parents have so little time to spare, what is the solution? There are no simple answers. Nothing can change the reality that this world has made child rearing a very difficult task. Some parents may be able to pull back on the career front. One author of a recent book on child care urges any parent who can to do just that—stay at home with the children. But for many parents, there is no such option. And even those with a flexible work schedule or those who hold no paying job still find it hard to spend enough time with their children.
Some experts urge parents to look at the work they do around the home, such as cleaning, cooking, maintenance, auto care, laundry, and shopping, to see whether they could do some of these tasks with their children. Working together on even the most mundane chores, or just relaxing together, may offer parents the time they need to keep open the lines of communication and provide a positive example. Christian parents have other work that they will want to do with their children at their sides. Christian meetings, the ministry, family Bible study, association with fellow believers—all of these provide parents crucial time to be with their children.
Interestingly, the Law to the nation of Israel made a similar point some 3,000 years ago. At Deuteronomy 6:6, 7, we read: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.” Life was not necessarily easier in ancient times. Think of all the time required just to attend to the very business of survival—how much work it took for a father to provide for his family, or how much labor went into such tasks as cooking or laundry! But parents who loved Jehovah did as much as they could with their children at their sides and so found many moments in the day to inculcate God’s Law into their young hearts.
Christian parents today need to do the same. When it comes to spending time with their children, they must resist easy answers. The old saying, “It’s not the quantity, it’s the quality,” does not apply in child rearing. Especially during their formative years, children need not only special time but also just “together” time.
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Family busy at home, children involved
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Serving Jehovah together