Is it Love or Infatuation?
LOVE or infatuation? That is an important question. Why? Because the chances for happiness in marriage in many cases depend upon whether it is love or infatuation that brings the two together. This question is especially important for young folk, since one out of two teen-age marriages in the United States ends in separation or divorce.
Nor does that dismal picture present the whole of the tragedy. According to Clark W. Blackburn, General Director of the Family Service Association: “There is no question that a tragically high percentage of the young couples who remain married are disillusioned and dissatisfied with their marriage to the point where it has become a bore, a mockery, a burden, a failure.”
No doubt these young folks felt that they were “in love”; being “in love” means being under the spell of the physical attraction of one of the opposite sex. Of itself it does not guarantee happiness even though at the time it appears a most pleasant state and holds out great hopes. But with a measure of unselfishness, that is, concern for the other’s happiness, and a lot of common sense, such love can and often does result in happiness, even as we read of the ancient Hebrew Isaac, that “he fell in love with [Rebekah], and . . . found comfort after the loss of his mother.”—Gen. 24:67.
Infatuation, however, is something different. It is defined as “strong and unreasoning attachment.” The word comes from the Latin fatuus, meaning “foolish,” from which also comes the English word “fatuous,” defined as “marked by a want of intelligence and rational consideration, especially marked by futile, ill-founded hope or desire.”
That members of the opposite sexes should form strong attachments for each other is natural. So that humankind would indeed “become many and fill the earth” the Creator put strong forces of attraction for the opposite sex in each. Medical science shows that the sex drive chiefly originates, not in the lower gonads or sex glands, but in the midbrain, in the hypothalamus. The fact that the center of the sex drive is located in the brain also helps to account for the fact that this drive influences the higher portions of the brain, such as man’s reasoning, imagination and veneration. The question therefore is, Which will we let control the other? Will we let the sex drive control the higher faculties or the higher faculties control the sex drive?—Gen. 1:28.
Infatuation obviously is the product of immaturity. It makes another person the object of desire or possession with little or no regard to the responsibilities involved and often regardless of the feelings or welfare of the other, as when girls idolize some popular entertainer.
Not, however, that only young persons err in mistaking infatuation for love. Age is no protection against this mistake, nor even experience, as can be seen from the frequency of cases in which divorced persons divorce or separate a second time. Infatuation fails to take the facts into consideration. It is based on neither reason nor principle. A very young person may become infatuated with a very old person, a single person with one already married, or one person with another whose tastes, way of life, principles or religion radically differ. In such cases each can contribute little to the happiness of the other except the pleasure each can give because of sex attraction.
There also seems to be something contrary about infatuation, in that the more unreasoning it is, the stronger it is likely to be. It ignores the advice of parents or friends and is marked with haste for the physical relationship and therefore results in either feelings of frustration or a guilty conscience. It is a strong, uncontrolled feeling, but, like other uncontrolled things such as earthquakes and cyclones, it usually is short-lived and destructive.
Some say love is blind, but true love is not blind. No doubt the ancient lover Jacob, whom the Bible tells about, and whose love for beautiful Rachel was such that in his eyes seven years “proved to be like some few days because of his love for her,” saw much in her, and his fondness for her throughout her life proved that it was love and not infatuation. Further, had it been infatuation he could not have waited seven years, for, as it has well been said, “infatuation is haste to mate.”—Gen. 29:20.
But infatuation is blind, at least in one eye. It sees only what it wants to see or imagines it sees and, being self-centered, is almost invariably doomed to unhappiness. The infatuated person does not take an honest accounting of himself, of what his potential is for making the other person happy and what the prospects are for a long and happy married life. He does not ask, What do we truly have in common aside from both of us liking fine food, nice clothes and “fun”? He ignores the principle that “there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving,” even as Jesus Christ said.—Acts 20:35.
However, let it be noted that not all unwise marriages need to end in separation or divorce. Two self-centered, immature young persons finding themselves within the bond of matrimony can grow up together, can learn to adjust to and learn to love each other. They can salvage their marriage if they really want to. But it will take humility, patience, perseverance, self-control, empathy and unselfish regard for the other.—Gal. 5:22, 23.
So, guard against infatuation. That the power of sex attraction can and must be controlled the Bible clearly indicates by warning, not only against fornication and adultery, but also against God’s servants’ marrying unbelievers. (Deut. 7:3, 4; 1 Cor. 6:9, 10; 7:39) This of itself shows that the power of sex attraction can be and should be controlled, directed into wise channels. Only then can it promise happiness; only then can it result in honor to God and be pleasing to Him.—1 Cor. 10:31.