Young People Ask . . .

How Can I Avoid Toying With Immorality?

“I used to feel it was OK to neck and pet, that it was only a way of expressing my deep feelings and love. I thought I could stop before doing anything really serious like fornication. But I was so wrong.” So wrote a young woman named Valerie who fell into sexual immorality.a

CHRISTIAN youths know that the Bible condemns premarital sex. (1 Corinthians 6:9, 10) However, some may not realize that the Bible also condemns toying with sexual immorality​—indulging in intimacies that are clearly reserved for married couples.b (Galatians 5:19) Does this mean that it is wrong to express affection? Not at all.

The Bible tells the story of a Shulammite girl and a shepherd boy who were engaged. Their courtship was impeccably chaste and moral. Yet, they evidently did exchange some displays of affection before they married. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) Today, some courting couples may likewise feel that holding hands and embracing are appropriate expressions of endearment when marriage seems imminent.c

It is all too easy even for a couple with honorable intentions to get carried away and begin toying with sexual immorality. How can they avoid doing so?

“Keeping on Guard”

At Psalm 119:9, the psalmist asked: “How will a young man cleanse his path?” The answer? “By keeping on guard according to your word.” One way to keep on guard is to watch who your friends are. “My friends are always putting pressure on me to go all the way,” says one American boy named Nakia. The Bible warns: “He that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.” (Proverbs 13:20) One youth magazine thus gave good advice when it said: “Work on finding new friends who share your values.”

Another way to keep on guard is to avoid compromising circumstances. Consider what happened when the Shulammite girl’s shepherd lover invited her on a romantic walk. His motives were innocent enough; he simply wanted to enjoy the beauties of spring with her. Even so, the Shulammite girl’s older brothers ‘grew angry with her.’ Not that they didn’t trust the couple. But they well knew the temptations that could arise if the couple were allowed to be alone in a romantic setting. The solution? The older brothers broke up the couple’s romantic plans and gave their sister a demanding job that would keep her busy.​—Song of Solomon 1:6; 2:8-15.

Being alone in a romantic setting continues to breed danger today. Recalls one teenage girl we’ll call Mary: “When we dated, we usually had a chaperon.” On one occasion, though, they found themselves alone in an apartment. “We got carried away. It was just stupidity on our part to let that happen. We had the attitude ‘It won’t happen to us.’ Well, now I know you have to have a chaperon all the time, no matter what. Make other arrangements if you can’t find anybody to go with you. We just let our guard down.”

Don’t let your guard down! If you are courting someone, plan your dates carefully. If possible, date in groups, or insist on a chaperon. Avoid risky settings, such as being alone in a parked car or in an apartment. Enjoying each other’s company on visits to museums, restaurants, skating rinks, and so forth is usually safer. Along the same lines, you might also keep in mind the words of Hosea 4:11: “Wine and sweet wine are what take away good motive.” Since alcohol tends to lower inhibitions, it makes good sense to be very careful regarding its use even if you are legally old enough to drink.

Setting Boundaries

Proverbs 13:10 gives another important piece of advice when it says: “With those consulting together there is wisdom.” Don’t wait until you are in some emotion-​charged romantic setting to establish ground rules. A courting couple is wise to set boundaries in advance, honestly discussing what expressions of affection are appropriate. Both, however, must follow the principle at Ephesians 4:25: “Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.”

Suppose, for example, that a young woman feels her relationship with a young man has reached the point where a good-​night kiss is appropriate. The young man may feel, however, that given his own emotional makeup, a kiss would simply be too much of a temptation. Fearing rejection or perhaps feeling an obligation to please her, he may go against his better judgment. But embarrassing as it may be for him, he needs to speak truth and express his true feelings in this regard. Since Christian love “does not look for its own interests,” each should respect the other’s feelings​—and conscience—​in this matter. (1 Corinthians 13:5; 1 Peter 3:16) Granted, talking about such a sensitive subject can be difficult and embarrassing, especially in the early stages of courtship. But it can do much to prevent serious problems from developing later on. Interestingly, your ability to communicate and negotiate in these matters may also serve as an indicator of how much potential the relationship has for a solid marriage.

‘You Would If You Loved Me’

Sometimes, though, in spite of the best of intentions, a situation begins to get too heated. Now’s the time for you to speak up! Kindly but firmly put on the brakes, so to speak. Leave if necessary. (Compare Proverbs 23:2.) What if the person you are dating refuses to respect reasonable boundaries and continues to pressure you to go too far? Sad to say, some youths have fallen for such transparent lines as, ‘You would if you loved me’ or, ‘Everybody’s doing it’ or even, ‘We’re going to get married soon, so what’s the problem?’ As in Bible times, there are those who try to seduce ‘by the smoothness of their lips.’ (Proverbs 7:21; compare Psalm 5:9.) Don’t give in to verbal intimidation!

For one thing, someone who really loves you will never pressure you into doing something that violates your Christian conscience or that makes you feel uncomfortable. (1 Corinthians 13:5) Second, it is simply not true that ‘everyone is doing it.’ And even if everyone were, that would hardly mean that you should do it. Remember the principle at Exodus 23:2: “You must not follow after the crowd for evil ends.”

As for promises of marriage, nowhere do the Scriptures give engaged couples the permission to behave as married people. Besides, note the sad statistics reported in the book The Compleat Courtship, by Nancy Van Pelt: “More than 33 percent of the sexually experienced girls believed when they first had sex that they would marry the fellow​—but few of them did. However, only 7 percent of the sexually active fellows polled thought they would marry the young woman. One of two things was taking place​—either she was fooling herself or he wasn’t telling the truth. Take your pick.” A wise proverb says: “Anyone inexperienced puts faith in every word, but the shrewd one considers his steps.”​—Proverbs 14:15.

When You’ve Got Carried Away

Confesses a German youth named Thomas: “I had a steady girlfriend, and we went pretty far. But we always seemed to stop in time. This gave me the feeling that I could control myself.” That illusion led to his engaging in sexual immorality. Recall the Bible’s warning: “Consequently let him that thinks he is standing beware that he does not fall.”​—1 Corinthians 10:12.

What if a couple does fall into improper conduct? A young man named John says: “When my fiancée and I first started courting, our conduct was clean and kept on a high level. But one time we started kissing and petting​—almost to the point of committing fornication. It was then that I decided to speak with one of the elders in my congregation.” Yes, when a couple allows things to go that far, both need help! Do not deceive yourself into thinking you can solve the problem alone. “I’d pray, ‘Help us not to do it again,’” confesses one youth. “Sometimes it would work, but a few times it didn’t.” The Bible thus gives good advice when it says: “Call the older men of the congregation.” (James 5:14) These Christian overseers can give whatever counsel, advice, or reproof is necessary to get your relationship with each other​—and, more important, with God—​back on track.

It is far better, though, to take proper safeguards, to set boundaries in advance, and to be determined to stay clean in God’s eyes. In this way you can avoid calamity.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 17]

A wise couple will say no to inappropriate expressions of affection