Young People Ask . . .

What if He Doesn’t Return My Love?

“I’m worried and troubled. I’ve fallen in love with him. But I don’t know his feelings toward me. What shall I do? Let him know how I feel? No, no, I can’t do it! What would others say about me?”—Huda.a

HUDA, a young Lebanese woman, was in love with someone who did not return her love. It is not an uncommon problem. Another young woman, named Zeina, had a similar experience. She recalls: “I used to see him every day because he was our neighbor. He was very attractive and handsome. So I fell in love with him.”

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with having strong feelings for someone—assuming that the person is someone a Christian could appropriately marry. (Proverbs 5:15; 1 Corinthians 7:39) Nor is it wrong for a young woman to want to get married and have a family. But what if you fall in love with an eligible person who is unaware of—or doesn’t return—your feelings?

The Pain of Being Lovesick

Like Huda, you may feel you are in the midst of an emotional hurricane. Exhilarating emotional highs may be quickly followed by paralyzing lows. “Sometimes I felt like the happiest girl in the universe, and sometimes I felt like the saddest one,” said Zeina. Unrequited love can be the source of anxiety, sleepless nights, and even depression.

Says the Bible at Proverbs 13:12: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” And when expectations do not materialize at all, it can be devastating! You may find yourself thinking about this person all the time, eager to hear any scrap of news about him. You may concoct ways to attract his attention or flimsy excuses to be with him. And when you are around him, you may find it difficult to behave normally.

Things can get particularly confusing when the object of your affections occasionally singles you out for attention and then at other times acts as though he has no interest in you whatsoever. And if you observe him lavishing attention on someone else or displaying simple kindness and courtesy to others, it can arouse feelings of jealousy in you. Says the Bible: “There is the cruelty of rage, also the flood of anger, but who can stand before jealousy?”—Proverbs 27:4.

Huda admitted: “I felt such indescribably bitter jealousy that if I hadn’t corrected things, I could have lost my mind.” Feelings of self-loathing can also result. Huda said: “I blamed myself for falling in love with someone who didn’t love me and for torturing myself.”

Whereas in Western lands a young woman might feel free simply to approach a young man and express her feelings, not all young women would be so inclined. And in some cultures, it would be considered inappropriate or even shocking for a girl to take such an initiative. What, then, can you do if you have fallen in love with someone who doesn’t return your love?

Taking Stock of Your Feelings

First, try examining your feelings coolly and objectively. The Bible warns: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid.” (Proverbs 28:26) Why? Because all too often the judgment of our heart is misguided. (Jeremiah 17:9) And what feels like love often turns out to be something else. “I needed attention and love,” acknowledged Huda. “I needed someone to love me and care for me. From childhood I’d never received love. That affected me deeply.” If you come from an unloving or abusive family environment, you may likewise feel a hunger for love and recognition. But is a romantic relationship necessarily the cure?

Unfortunately, people who feel empty and lonely often make poor marriage mates. They enter matrimony expecting to get what they feel they so desperately need. However, true happiness comes from giving, not getting. (Acts 20:35) And a woman is far better equipped to handle marriage if she feels reasonably good about herself and ‘keeps an eye, not in personal interest upon just her own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of others.’—Philippians 2:4.

When you feel under pressure to get married, you can easily overreact to any attention from the opposite sex. Sometimes a young woman’s desire for romance is nurtured by friends and family. Some societies put great emphasis on a girl’s marrying as soon as she is of marriageable age. The book Women in the Middle East says: “If a woman nears thirty and is still single, she becomes the object of great concern to her family.” Because family honor is involved, a father may try to marry off his daughters as young as possible.

Nevertheless, Bible principles take precedence over culture. And the Scriptures urge young people to wait until they are “past the bloom of youth” before marrying. (1 Corinthians 7:36) So, what if you feel your friends or parents are putting undue pressure on you to marry? The Bible tells us that the godly Shulammite girl solemnly charged her companions ‘not to awaken or arouse love in her until it felt inclined.’ (Song of Solomon 2:7) Perhaps expressing yourself in a similarly firm way would bring results, especially if your parents are God-fearing.

Facing the Truth

Still, you must eventually face the truth regarding the person you feel you love. Doing so may not be easy and may cost you emotionally. But the Scriptures admonish: “Buy truth itself and do not sell it.” (Proverbs 23:23) Ask yourself, ‘Do I have any rational basis for being in love? How much do I really know about this person? What do I know about his thoughts, feelings, opinions, habits, values, abilities, talents, and life-style?’

Another thing to consider is whether or not the person has expressed any real interest in you. Oftentimes, mere kindness or friendliness is misinterpreted. “He was trying to be kind,” said Huda, “but I interpreted his words and actions as personal interest because I wanted that. After I realized that he wasn’t interested in me, I felt humiliated. I felt that I didn’t deserve his interest and that there was something wrong with me.”

Perhaps you have felt the same way as a result of a similar experience. Realize, though, that because you were not just right in this person’s eyes does not mean that you will not be just right in the eyes of someone else. After all, this is not the only young man in the world!

Getting Over the Hurt

Even so, it may take a while to get over your hurt feelings. What can help? One thing is to open up and confide in a “true companion”—a mature Christian who will listen to you. (Proverbs 17:17) Perhaps there is an older woman in the congregation with whom you could talk. Christian parents can also play a big role in providing help and support. Recalls Zeina: “A Christian woman in our congregation noticed my distress and was mature enough to help me. I felt at ease with her and told her everything. She encouraged me to talk to my parents. So I talked to them, and they understood me and helped me.”

Remember, too, the power of prayer. (Psalm 55:22) Says Huda: “My prayers to Jehovah helped me get rid of my pain. I also read helpful articles in the Watchtower and Awake! magazines.” In addition, it is important that you not isolate yourself. (Proverbs 18:1) Get involved with other people. “Another thing that helped me,” recalls Zeina, “is that I kept busy and became a pioneer [full-time evangelizer]. I also increased my association with other women in the congregation. This helped me to progress spiritually.”

The Bible does speak about “a time to love,” and it may be that in time you will meet someone who returns your affections. (Ecclesiastes 3:8) Jehovah God created humans with a desire to enjoy the pleasures of marital love, and you too may eventually be able to realize this fine provision of our Grand Maker. In the meantime, why not make the most of your years of singleness, which are “free from anxiety,” as the apostle Paul says? (1 Corinthians 7:32-34) In any event, you can be assured of the fulfillment of the Bible promise: “You [Jehovah] are opening your hand and satisfying the desire of every living thing.”—Psalm 145:16.

[Footnote]

[Picture on page 13]

Sometimes, kindness is misinterpreted