Mourning Customs​—How Do You View Them?

THROUGHOUT history, death has been the common experience of mankind. But long-time acquaintance has not lessened the devastating effect that death has on the survivors. The knowledge that someone who was a part of your life has gone seldom fails to cause deep and lasting grief, and an aching sense of loss.

Religion should soften the pain that death causes, but often it does the opposite. In some lands the pain death brings to bereaved ones is turned into terror when they are told that their parents and relatives who have died are now vengeful spirits who have to be placated with proper mourning ceremonies. Otherwise they will haunt the living. In addition, when a Christian family is bereaved, there may be decisions to face regarding local customs, such as wearing special garments and engaging in rituals that others may expect.

Jehovah God has promised one day to remove the painful experience of death from the human family. (Revelation 21:4) And meantime he has given us his Word, the Bible, as a ‘light to our roadway.’ (Psalm 119:105) Whenever we are in doubt as to the proper thing to do, the Bible shows us the way God wants us to act. (Isaiah 30:21) Let us consider the guidance it gives for that saddest of times, when someone close to us dies.

Mourning Is Proper

As already noted, it is natural to feel deep sadness when someone we love dies. But Christians know that there will be a resurrection. Hence, they do not have the hopeless, frantic sorrow that those without hope often manifest. (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Death does not necessarily mean good-bye forever, though it does mean that for a time.

Thus, Abraham ‘bewailed Sarah and wept over her’ when she died. (Genesis 23:2) Isaac, his son, needed “comfort after the loss of his mother.” (Genesis 24:67) The sadness of the friends and relatives of the dead Lazarus was so great that Jesus himself “gave way to tears.” (John 11:35) It is an act of love for friends of the bereaved family to visit and offer comfort during such a stressful time.​—John 11:31.

However, you will notice that in the Scriptural accounts of mourning, and of comforting the bereaved, appeasement of the dead is never mentioned. God’s servants knew that the dead were asleep, unconscious. (John 11:11-14; Ecclesiastes 9:5, 10) The dead do not suffer in an afterlife, nor do they turn into vengeful, dangerous spirits. (Psalm 146:3, 4) Hence, Jehovah’s people were not to copy the surrounding nations in actions that reflected a wrong attitude toward the dead.​—Deuteronomy 14:1; 18:10-12.

Today, too, when considering things that are commonly practiced out of ‘respect for the dead,’ we must determine what that practice means at present. Is it now linked with a wrong teaching or some superstition? If it is, should a Christian follow it?​—Romans 13:12-14.

What Mourning Customs?

Among some peoples of the world, widows and widowers are supposed to wear special garments and stay in a state of mourning, with many restrictions on their freedom, for a year. Is this custom compatible with Christian beliefs?

Understandably, a Christian who has lost a loved one might dress and act more subdued for a time. (Compare 2 Samuel 13:19; 2 Kings 6:30.) But this is quite different from wearing, for a lengthy period, clothing that in the minds of the community is connected with non-Biblical beliefs about the dead. When Christian widows have refused to follow such customs, they have sometimes been threatened by relatives and neighbors who claim that “bad luck” will come to them or that the “spirit” of the dead husband will be upset and bring calamity upon them. These superstitious ones may also fear that the rain will be held back, or that there will be a crop failure.

One widow did not follow the customs, whereupon her son said: “My father’s spirit will not rest in peace.” In another place, the chief of the tribe threatened to dismiss all servants of Jehovah from that area! Some local people were so upset that they vandalized the local Christian meeting place with crowbars and axes. In still another area, a Christian widow was stripped naked and brutally lashed with a sjambok (whip) by tribal police.

Why did these Christian widows refuse to do what their neighbors expected of them? Perhaps you personally see little harm in going along with local customs for the sake of “decency.” And with some customs, that may indeed be true. But how would a Christian be viewed if he or she shared in rituals designed to appease the “spirits of the ancestors”? Remember, those who engaged in such practices in earlier times were not allowed to remain part of the Israelite community or the early Christian congregation.​—Deuteronomy 13:12-15; 18:9-13; 2 Corinthians 6:14-18; 2 John 9, 10.

Consider some of the reasons for this. For one thing, by having any part in such rituals, a person would be supporting and, in effect, promoting a non-Christian religion. He would be showing that in his heart he is still a part of false religion.​—Revelation 18:4.

All around the world, Jehovah’s Witnesses are well known for teaching the Bible. One Biblical truth that they highlight is that the dead are unconscious, neither suffering in hell nor wandering the earth and able to harm their descendants. The Bible says: “As for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all.” (Ecclesiastes 9:5) This teaching has comforted hundreds of thousands. Thus, people in most communities do not generally expect these Christians to take part in rituals designed to appease the dead.

What would happen, then, if true Christians, because of pressure from their relatives or neighbors, consented to follow non-Christian mourning customs? Would the neighbors not conclude that perhaps the Christians do not really believe what they preach? That perhaps they can be made to compromise in other areas? Undoubtedly. Thus, a lot of good work would be destroyed, and people might be stumbled.​—Matthew 18:6; 2 Corinthians 6:3.

Hence, the elders and others in the congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses give as much support as possible to those who have recently been bereaved. They give whatever support is needed to help them stand firm for truth in the face of any pressure to follow unchristian practices.​—Compare 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4.

What if, despite such help, a Christian begins to follow non-Christian mourning customs? Elders would act with kindness. The apostle Paul counseled: “Brothers, even though a man takes some false step before he is aware of it, you who have spiritual qualifications try to readjust such a man in a spirit of mildness.” (Galatians 6:1) The disciple James adds: “My brothers, if anyone among you is misled from the truth and another turns him back, know that he who turns a sinner back from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”​—James 5:19, 20.

It is good to remember that God himself “does not desire any to be destroyed but desires all to attain to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9) The elders would first try hard to restore the erring one. In most cases it will doubtless be found that intense grief combined with fear of neighbor has pressured the mourning one to take the wrong step. Hopefully, with kind, empathetic help, he will henceforth ‘make straight paths for his feet, that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather that it may be healed.’​—Hebrews 12:13.

However, if a Christian follows non-Christian mourning customs and, refusing the help of fellow Christians, insists on continuing with the non-Christian course, then eventually the elders may have to act to make sure that such practices do not confuse onlookers or introduce wrong practices into the Christian congregation. Anyone who worships his ancestors is no longer a true Christian, and steps should be taken to make sure that everyone recognizes this fact.​—1 Corinthians 5:13.

Blessings From Faithfulness

Many Christians have found that faithfulness in this important matter brings good results. Edwina Apason, a Christian woman in Suriname, relates her experience: “Once, when conducting a Bible study, I received a shocking message. While participating in a protest demonstration, my oldest son, who was not a Witness, had been shot to death. This painful loss triggered more strain, for my relatives said: ‘If you don’t follow the mourning customs, you have no motherly feelings for your son.’ Custom required that I cut my hair, wrap my head in a white scarf, wear mourning clothes for months, deliberately walk slowly, and talk softly in a muffled voice​—all of this to show the people and the supposed ‘spirit of the dead’ that I really was sad. Yet, if I did these things, surely my preaching would be in vain and I would lose my clean conscience before God.” Hence, Edwina did not compromise.

Another man claimed that his dead aunt regularly visited him at night. What did he think she wanted? He replied: “That a sacrifice be made for her down at the edge of the river.” What if the sacrifice was not made? There was the threat of death. While living, this aunt had been a very loving person. But, after dying, she supposedly acted like a menacing, threatening tyrant. Could this really be the same person? With reasoning and the use of the Scriptures, this man and others like him have been freed from fear of the dead. These people have learned that the visions, voices, and apparitions are the work of fallen angels, demons.​—Compare 2 Corinthians 11:3, 14; Ephesians 6:12.

Jehovah’s servants are aware that if they stay in the way that he sets out for them, this will eventually lead to the blessing of everlasting life. (Isaiah 30:21) Satan is constantly using cunning and devious means to try to trip them and make them stray from that way. (1 Peter 5:8, 9) He recognizes that they may be especially vulnerable when mourning the death of a loved one. Nevertheless, Christians are determined to be faithful to Jehovah in all things, despite any pressure. In this, as in other matters, they “must obey God as ruler rather than men.” (Acts 5:29) Thus they prove the depth of their devotion to Jehovah God, and they can look forward to his rewarding them with life in his new system where death and mourning “will be no more.”​—Revelation 21:4.