Chapter 28

How Can I Get Over a Crush?

“FOR most teens,” wrote one youth-oriented magazine, “crushes are as common as colds.” Almost all youths experience them, and almost all manage to survive to adulthood, with their pride and sense of humor intact. However, when you are caught in the grip of a crush, there is little to laugh about. “I was frustrated,” recalls one youth, “because I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew she was too old for me, but I liked her. I was really bent out of shape over the whole thing.”

The Anatomy of a Crush

It is no sin to have strong feelings for someone​—provided such are not immoral or improper (such as for someone married). (Proverbs 5:15-18) When you are young, though, “desires incidental to youth” often rule your thoughts and actions. (2 Timothy 2:22) Still learning to control the new and potent desires unleashed by puberty, a youth can be full of whipped-up romantic feelings​—and have no one to lavish them on.

Furthermore, “girls become poised and socially at ease at an earlier age than boys.” As a result, “they often find their male classmates immature and unexciting compared to teachers” or other older, unattainable men. (Seventeen magazine) A girl might thus imagine that a favorite teacher, pop singer, or some older acquaintance is the “ideal” man. Boys often become similarly infatuated. However, the love felt for such distant figures is obviously rooted more in fantasy than reality.

Crushes​—Why They Can Be Harmful

While most crushes are amazingly short-lived, still they can do a lot of damage to a youth. For one thing, many objects of teenage affection are simply not worthy of esteem. A wise man said: “Foolishness has been put in many high positions.” (Ecclesiastes 10:6) Thus a singer is idolized because he has a smooth voice or striking looks. But are his morals worth praising? Is he or she “in the Lord” as a dedicated Christian?​—1 Corinthians 7:39.

The Bible also warns: “Friendship with the world is enmity with God.” (James 4:4) Would it not jeopardize your friendship with God if you set your heart on a person whose conduct God condemns? Too, the Bible commands, “Guard yourselves from idols.” (1 John 5:21) What would you call it when a youth decorates his or her room wall to wall with pictures of a singing star? Would not the word “idolatry” fit? How could this possibly please God?

Some youths even allow their fantasies to override reason. One young woman says: “Whenever I ask him how he feels​—he always denies having any feelings for me. But I can tell by the way he looks and acts that this isn’t true.” The young man in question has tried to be kind in expressing his disinterest, but she just won’t take no for an answer.

Writes another girl of her infatuation with a popular singer: ‘I want him to be my boyfriend, and I have prayed that it come true! I used to sleep with his album because that was the closest I could get to him. I’m at the point where if I can’t have him, I’ll kill myself.’ Could such mindless passion be pleasing to God, who commands us to serve him with “a sound mind”?​—Romans 12:3.

Says the Bible at Proverbs 13:12: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” Cultivating romantic expectations for an impossible relationship is thus unhealthy, unrequited love being cited by doctors as a cause of “depression, anxiety, and general distress . . . sleeplessness or lethargy, chest pains or breathlessness.” (Compare 2 Samuel 13:1, 2.) One infatuated girl confesses: “I can’t eat. . . . I can’t study anymore. I . . . daydream about him. . . . I’m miserable.”

Think of the havoc you wreak when you allow a fantasy to dominate your life. Dr. Lawrence Bauman observes that one of the first evidences of a runaway crush is a “slackening off of school effort.” Isolation from friends and family is another common result. There can also be humiliation. “I’m embarrassed to admit this,” says writer Gil Schwartz, “but I behaved like a buffoon during my crush on Judy.” Long after the crush has dissipated, memories of your following someone around, making a scene in public, and in general making a fool of yourself can linger.

Facing Reality

King Solomon, one of the wisest men who ever lived, fell desperately in love with a girl who did not return his feelings. He poured upon her some of the most beautiful poetry ever written, telling her she was “beautiful like the full moon, pure like the glowing sun”​—and got absolutely nowhere with her!​—Song of Solomon 6:10.

Nevertheless, Solomon eventually quit his attempts to win her over. How can you, too, regain control of your feelings? “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 28:26) This is particularly true when you are caught up in a romantic fantasy. However, “he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” This means seeing things the way they are.

“How do you tell legitimate hope from unfounded hope?” asks Dr. Howard Halpern. “By looking carefully and coldly at the facts.” Consider: How much of a chance is there of a real romance developing with this person? If the person is a celebrity, the odds are you will never even meet this person! Your chances are equally dim when some older person, such as a teacher, is involved.

Furthermore, has the person you like thus far shown any interest in you at all? If not, is there any real reason to believe that things will change in the future? Or are you simply reading romantic interest into innocent words and actions on his or her part? Incidentally, in most lands it is customary for men to take the initiative in romance. A young girl can humiliate herself by aggressively pursuing someone who simply is not interested.

Besides, what would you do if the person actually returned your affections? Are you ready for the responsibilities of marriage? If not, then “remove vexation from your heart” by refusing to dwell on fantasy. There is “a time to love,” and that might be years later when you are older.​—Ecclesiastes 3:8; 11:10.

Analyzing Your Feelings

Dr. Charles Zastrow observes: “Infatuation occurs when a person idealizes the person she or he is infatuated with as being a ‘perfect lover’; that is, concludes that the other person has all of the characteristics desired in a mate.” However, no such “perfect lover” exists. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” says the Bible.​—Romans 3:23.

So ask yourself: How well do I really know this person I have set my heart on? Am I in love with an image? Am I blinding myself to this person’s flaws? One objective look at your dream lover may be enough to pull you out of your romantic stupor! It is also helpful to analyze the kind of love you feel for this person. Says writer Kathy McCoy: “Immature love can come and go in a moment . . . The focus is on you, and you’re simply in love with the idea of being in love . . . Immature love is clinging, possessive, and jealous. . . . Immature love demands perfection.”​—Contrast 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.

Getting Him or Her Off Your Mind

Admittedly, all the reasoning in the world does not entirely erase how you feel. But you can avoid feeding the problem. Reading steamy romance novels, watching TV love stories, or just listening to certain kinds of music can worsen your feelings of loneliness. So refuse to dwell on the situation. “Where there is no wood the fire goes out.”​—Proverbs 26:20.

A fantasy romance is no substitute for people who really love you and care for you. Do not ‘isolate yourself.’ (Proverbs 18:1) You’ll probably find that your parents can be quite helpful. For all your attempts to conceal your feelings, they have probably already discerned that something is eating away at you. Why not approach them and give your heart to them? (Compare Proverbs 23:26.) A mature Christian may also prove to have a good listening ear.

“Keep busy,” exhorts teen writer Esther Davidowitz. Take up a hobby, do some exercise, study a language, begin a Bible research project. Staying engrossed in useful activities can ease the withdrawal symptoms quite a bit.

Getting over a crush is not easy. But with the passage of time, the pain will subside. You will have learned much about yourself and your feelings, and you will be better prepared to deal with real love should it come in the future! But how will you be able to recognize ‘real love’?

Questions for Discussion

◻ Why are crushes common among youths?

◻ Who often are the objects of youthful romantic fantasies, and why?

◻ Why can crushes be harmful?

◻ What are some things a youth can do to get over a crush?

◻ How can a youth avoid feeding a romantic fantasy?

[Blurb on page 223]

‘I can’t eat. I can’t study anymore. I daydream about him. I’m miserable’

[Picture on page 220]

Crushes on older, unavailable members of the opposite sex are quite common

[Picture on page 221]

Taking a cool, objective look at this person may cure you of your romantic notions

Chapter 29

Am I Ready to Date?

IN MANY lands dating is viewed as a means of romantic entertainment, a fun activity. Dating thus takes many forms. For some, a date is a formal, structured affair​—flowers, a lovely dinner, and a good-night kiss are all part of the agenda. For others, a date simply means spending some time together with someone you like of the opposite sex. There are even couples who are constantly seen together but who claim to be ‘just friends.’ Well, whether you call it dating, going together, or just seeing each other, it usually amounts to the same thing: a boy and a girl spending a lot of time together socially, often unsupervised.

Dating was not the custom in Bible times. Nevertheless, when carried out intelligently, cautiously, and honorably, dating is a legitimate way for two people to get to know each other. And, yes, it can be enjoyable. But does this mean that you should date?

The Pressure to Date

You may feel under pressure to date. Most of your peers probably date, and naturally you do not want to seem weird or different. Pressure to date may also come from well-meaning friends and relatives. When 15-year-old Mary Ann was asked to go out on a date, her aunt advised: “Whether you want to marry the boy or not has nothing to do with it. Dating is just a part of your natural development as a person. . . . After all, if you always turn guys down you’ll be unpopular and no one will ask you out.” Mary Ann recalls: “Auntie’s words sunk down deep. Would I be cheating myself out of a good opportunity? The boy had his own car, lots of money; and I knew he would show me a great time. Should I date him or not?”

For some youths the pressure comes from their own desires for warmth and affection. “I needed to be loved and appreciated,” explained an 18-year-old named Ann. “Since I was not close to my parents, I turned to my boyfriend to find closeness and to have someone to whom I could pour out my feelings who would really understand.”

Nevertheless, a teenager should not begin dating simply because he or she feels pressured to do so! For one thing, dating is serious business​—a part of the process of selecting a marriage mate. Marriage? Admittedly, this may be the last thing on the minds of most youths who date. But really, what justification could there be for two people of the opposite sex to begin spending a lot of time together other than to investigate the possibility of marrying each other? In the long run, dating for any other reason is likely to result in anything but “fun.” Why so?

The Dark Side of Dating

For one thing, youths are in the vulnerable period of life the Bible calls “the bloom of youth.” (1 Corinthians 7:36) During this time, you may feel powerful surges of sexual desire. There is nothing wrong with this; it is a part of growing up.

But therein lies a big problem with teenage dating: Teenagers are just beginning to learn how to control these sexual feelings. True, you may well know God’s laws regarding sex and you may sincerely desire to remain chaste. (See Chapter 23.) Even so, a biological fact of life comes into play: The more you keep company with a member of the opposite sex, the more sexual desire can grow​—whether you want it to or not. (See pages 232-3.) It is the way all of us are made! Until you are older and more in control of your feelings, dating may simply be too much for you to handle. Unfortunately, many youths find this out the hard way.

“When we started dating, . . . we didn’t even hold hands or kiss. I just wanted to enjoy the pleasure of her company and talk,” said one young man. “However, she was very affectionate and would sit very close to me. In time we did hold hands and kiss. This created within me an even stronger sex drive. It affected my thinking to the point that I wanted to be with her, not just to talk, but to hold her, touch her and kiss. I couldn’t get enough! I was literally going crazy with passion. At times I would feel cheap and ashamed.”

Little wonder, then, that dating often culminates in illicit sexual relations. A survey of several hundred teenagers found that 87 percent of the girls and 95 percent of the boys felt that sex was either “moderately important or very important” in dating. However, 65 percent of the girls and 43 percent of the boys admitted that there had been times on a date when they had had sexual contact even though they did not feel like it!

Recalls 20-year-old Loretta: “The more we saw each other, the more involved we became. Kissing soon grew stale and we began touching intimate body parts. I became a nervous wreck because I felt so dirty. My date also in time expected me to ‘go all the way’ . . . I was confused and bewildered. But all I could think of was, ‘I don’t want to lose him.’ I was miserable!”

True, not every couple end up having sexual relations; some let their displays of affection stop just short of it. But what results when one is worked up emotionally and has no honorable outlet for such feelings? Guaranteed frustration. And those frustrations are not limited to sexual feelings.

Torn Emotions

Consider one young man’s dilemma: ‘I liked Kathy a lot at first. Well, I admit I talked her into doing some things she didn’t think were right. Now I feel dirty because I’ve lost interest. How can I ditch Kathy without hurting her feelings?’ What a perplexing situation! And how would you feel if you were Kathy?

Teen heartbreak is a common malady. True, a young couple walking hand in hand may present an attractive picture. But what are the odds that the same couple will still be together a year from now, much less married to each other? Slim indeed. Teen romances are thus almost always doomed relationships, seldom culminating in marriage, often terminating in heartbreak.

After all, during the teen years your personality is still in a state of flux. You are discovering who you are, what you really like, what you want to do with your life. Someone who interests you today may very well bore you tomorrow. But when romantic feelings have been allowed to flourish, someone is bound to get hurt. Not surprisingly, several research studies have linked “a fight with a girl friend” or “disappointment in love” as among the situations responsible for many youthful suicides.

Am I Ready?

God tells young people: “Rejoice, young man [or woman], in your youth, and let your heart do you good in the days of your young manhood, and walk in the ways of your heart and in the things seen by your eyes.” Young people do tend to “walk in the ways of [their] heart.” Yet so often those “ways,” which seem to be such fun, end up bringing vexation and calamity. The Bible thus urges in the following verse: “Remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh; for youth and the prime of life are vanity.” (Ecclesiastes 11:9, 10) “Vexation” refers to being deeply troubled or sorely distressed. “Calamity” denotes a personal disaster. Both can make life miserable.

Does this mean, then, that dating itself is a source of vexation and calamity? Not necessarily. But it can be if you date for a wrong reason (‘for fun’) or before you are ready for it! The following questions may, therefore, prove helpful in evaluating your own situation.

Would dating help or hinder my emotional growth? Dating can limit you to a boy-girl relationship. Might it not benefit you, instead, to widen out in your association with others? (Compare 2 Corinthians 6:12, 13.) A young woman named Susan says: “I learned to develop close friendships with older Christian women in the congregation. They needed companionship, and I needed their steadying influence. So I would drop in for coffee. We would talk and laugh. I made real, lifelong friendships with them.”

By having many types of friends​—old and young, single and married, male and female—​you learn to be poised around people, including those of the opposite sex, with much less pressure than on a date. Furthermore, by associating with married couples, you gain a more realistic view of marriage. Later on you will be better prepared to select a good mate and fulfill your own role in marriage. (Proverbs 31:10) A youth named Gail thus concludes: “I’m not ready to get married and settle down. I’m still getting to know myself, and I have many spiritual goals yet to achieve. So I really don’t need to be too close to anyone of the opposite sex.”

Do I want to cause hurt feelings? Both your feelings and those of the other person can be crushed if romantic bonds are forged with no prospect of marriage in sight. Really, is it fair to heap romantic attention upon someone in order to gain experience with the opposite sex?​—See Matthew 7:12.

What do my parents say? Parents often see dangers to which you are blind. After all, they were young once. They know what real problems can develop when two young people of the opposite sex start spending a lot of time together! So if your parents disapprove of your dating, do not rebel. (Ephesians 6:1-3) Likely, they simply feel you should wait till you are older.

Will I be able to follow the Bible’s morality? When one is “past the bloom of youth,” one can better deal with sexual impulses​—and even then it is not easy. Are you really ready at this point in life to handle a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex and keep it chaste?

Interestingly, many youths are asking themselves these questions and coming to the same conclusion reached by Mary Ann (quoted earlier). She said: “I determined that I was not going to be influenced about dating by the attitudes of others. I was not going to date till I was old enough and ready to get married and I saw someone with the qualities I wanted in a husband.”

Mary Ann thus raises the critical question you must ask yourself before dating.

Questions for Discussion

◻ What does the term “dating” mean to you?

◻ Why do some youths feel under pressure to date?

◻ Why is dating unwise for someone in “the bloom of youth”?

◻ How can a youth “ward off calamity” when it comes to dating?

◻ What are some problems that can develop when a boy and a girl are ‘just friends’?

◻ How can you know if you’re ready to date?

[Blurb on page 231]

“Kissing soon grew stale and we began touching intimate body parts. I became a nervous wreck because I felt so dirty. My date also in time expected me to ‘go all the way’”

[Blurb on page 234]

‘How can I ditch Kathy without hurting her feelings?’

[Box/​Picture on page 232, 233]

Can a Boy and a Girl ‘Just Be Friends’?

So-called platonic relationships (affectionate relationships between men and women into which the sexual element does not enter) are quite popular among youths. Claims 17-year-old Gregory: “It’s easier for me to talk to girls because they’re usually more sympathetic and sensitive.” Other youngsters argue that such friendships help them develop a more rounded-out personality.

The Bible urges young men to treat “younger women as sisters with all chasteness.” (1 Timothy 5:2) By applying this principle, it is indeed possible to enjoy clean, wholesome friendships with members of the opposite sex. The apostle Paul, for example, was a single man who enjoyed a number of friendships with Christian women. (See Romans 16:1, 3, 6, 12.) He wrote of two “women who have striven side by side with me in the good news.” (Philippians 4:3) Jesus Christ also enjoyed balanced, wholesome association with women. On numerous occasions, he enjoyed the hospitality and conversation of Martha and Mary.​—Luke 10:38, 39; John 11:5.

Nevertheless, a “platonic” friendship is often little more than a thinly disguised romance or a way to get attention from someone of the opposite sex without commitment. And since feelings can easily change, there is a need for caution. Warned Dr. Marion Hilliard: “An easy companionship traveling at about ten miles an hour can shift without warning to a blinding passion going a hundred miles an hour.”

Sixteen-year-old Mike learned this when he became “friends” with a 14-year-old girl: “I quickly found out [that] two people cannot stay just friends when they keep seeing each other exclusively. Our relationship kept growing and growing. We soon had special feelings for each other, and we still do.” Since neither is old enough to marry, those feelings are a source of frustration.

Too much close association can have yet sadder consequences. One youth tried to comfort a female friend who confided in him about some of her problems. Before long, they were petting. The result? Troubled consciences and bad feelings between them. With others, sexual relations have resulted. A survey taken by Psychology Today revealed: “Almost half the respondents (49 percent) have had a friendship turn into a sexual relationship.” In fact, “nearly a third (31 percent) reported having had sexual intercourse with a friend in the past month.”

‘But I’m not attracted to my friend and would never get romantically involved with him [or her].’ Perhaps. But how might you feel in the future? Besides, “he that is trusting in his own heart is stupid.” (Proverbs 28:26) Our hearts can be treacherous, deceptive, blinding us to our true motives. And do you really know how your friend feels about you?

In his book The Friendship Factor, Alan Loy McGinnis advises: “Don’t trust yourself too far.” Take precautions, perhaps confining your association to properly supervised group activities. Avoid inappropriate displays of affection or being alone in romantic circumstances. When you are troubled, confide in parents and older persons rather than a youth of the opposite sex.

And what if, in spite of safeguards, unshared romantic feelings develop? “Speak truth,” and let the other person know where you stand. (Ephesians 4:25) If this does not settle matters, it might be best to keep your distance. “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself.” (Proverbs 22:3) Or as the book The Friendship Factor puts it: “Bail out if necessary. Once in a while, no matter how much we try, a friendship with the opposite sex gets out of hand and we know where it is going to lead.” Then, it is time to “back away.”

[Pictures on page 227]

Youths often feel pressured to date or pair off

[Picture on page 228]

Dating often puts youths under pressure to grant unwanted displays of affection

[Picture on page 229]

One can enjoy the company of the opposite sex in circumstances free of the pressures of dating

[Picture on page 230]

So-called platonic relationships often end in heartbreak

Chapter 30

Am I Ready for Marriage?

MARRIAGE is not a game. God intended for husbands and wives to forge a permanent bond, closer than that with any other human. (Genesis 2:24) A marriage mate is thus someone you will stick to​—or be stuck with—​for the rest of your life.

Any marriage is sure to suffer some “pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28, The New English Bible) But Marcia Lasswell, who is a professor of behavioral science, warns: “If there is one unchallenged bit of information we have concerning whether or not a marriage will last, it is that those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.”

Why do so many young marriages fail? The answer to this may have a strong bearing on determining whether you are ready for marriage or not.

Great Expectations

“We had a very poor idea of what marriage was,” admits one teenage girl. “We thought we could come and go, do as we pleased, do or not do the dishes, but it isn’t that way.” Many youths nurture such immature views of marriage. They imagine it to be a romantic fantasy. Or they head for the altar because they want the status of appearing grown up. Yet others simply want to escape a bad situation at home, at school, or in their community. Confided one girl to her fiancé: “I’ll be so glad when we get married. Then I won’t ever have to make any more decisions!”

But marriage is neither a fantasy nor a cure-all for problems. If anything, it presents a whole new set of problems to deal with. “Many teenagers get married to play house,” says Vicky, who had her first child at 20. “Oh, it looks like such fun! You think of a child as a little doll, something that is so cute and that you can just play with, but that’s not the way it is.”

Many youths also have unrealistic expectations regarding sexual relations. Said one young man who married at age 18: “After I got married I found out that the great thrill of sex wears off very soon and then we started having some real problems.” One study of teenage couples found that second to financial problems, most arguments were over sexual relations. Doubtless this is because satisfying marital relations result from unselfishness and self-control​—qualities youths have often failed to cultivate.​—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.

Wisely, the Bible encourages Christians to marry when they are “past the bloom of youth.” (1 Corinthians 7:36) Marrying when passion is at high tide can distort your thinking and blind you to a prospective mate’s flaws.

Unready for Their Roles

One teenage bride says of her husband: “Now that we are married, the only time he acts interested in me is when he wants sex. He thinks his boyfriends are just as important to be with as I am. . . . I thought I was going to be his one and only, but was I fooled.” This highlights a misconception that is common among young men: They think that as husbands, they can still live the life-style of single men.

A 19-year-old bride points to a problem common among young wives: “I’d rather watch TV and sleep than clean house and fix meals. I’m ashamed when my husband’s parents visit because they keep a nice house and mine is always a mess. I’m a lousy cook, too.” What stress it can add to a marriage when a girl is incompetent domestically! “Marriage really takes commitment,” stated Vicky (previously quoted). “This isn’t a game. The fun of the wedding is over. It soon becomes day-to-day living and that isn’t easy.”

And what about the day-to-day grind of supporting a family? Vicky’s husband, Mark, says: “I remember that for my first job I had to get up at 6 a.m. I kept thinking: ‘This is hard work. Will I ever get some relief?’ And then when I got home I felt that Vicky didn’t understand what I was going through.”

Money Problems

This brings us to another cause of marital discord for young married couples: money. Forty-eight teenage couples admitted that after three months of marriage, their biggest problem was “spending family income.” After nearly three years, 37 of these couples were asked the same question. Money problems were number one again​—and their anguish was even worse! “What fun can you get out of life,” asked Bill, “when you never have enough money to buy the things you need to make you content? . . . When you don’t have enough to last from one payday to another, it can start lots of fights and unhappiness.”

Money problems are common among teenagers, as they often have the highest rate of unemployment and the lowest wages. “Because I couldn’t provide for my family, we had to live with my parents,” admitted Roy. “This created real tension, especially since we had a child as well.” Proverbs 24:27 advises: “Prepare your work out of doors, and make it ready for yourself in the field. Afterward you must also build up your household.” In Bible times, men worked hard to be in a position later to support a family. Having failed to make such adequate preparations, many young husbands today find the role of provider a burdensome one.

But even a good-size paycheck will not end money problems if a couple have a childish view of material things. One study revealed that “teenagers expected to be able to purchase immediately for their projected family units many of the items that probably had taken their parents years to acquire.” Determined to enjoy these material things now, many plunged deeply into debt. Lacking the maturity to be content with “sustenance and covering,” they increased stress in their marriage.​—1 Timothy 6:8-10.

“Miles Apart”

Maureen recalls: “I was in love with Don. He was so handsome, so strong, such a good athlete and very popular . . . Our marriage had to work.” But it did not. Resentment built up to the point where, as Maureen says, “Everything Don did irritated me​—even the way he smacked his lips when we ate. Finally, we both couldn’t take it anymore.” Their marriage collapsed within two years.

The problem? “Our life goals were miles apart,” explained Maureen. “I now realized that I needed someone I could relate to intellectually. But Don’s whole life was sports. The things that I thought were so important at 18 suddenly meant nothing to me.” Youths often have a childish view of what they want in a marriage mate, making good looks a priority. Proverbs 31:30 warns: “Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain.”

Making a Self-Examination

The Bible calls rash the person who makes a solemn vow to God, but only ‘after vows is he disposed to make examination.’ (Proverbs 20:25) Would it not, then, make sense to examine yourself in the light of the Scriptures before you enter into something as serious as a vow of marriage? Just what are your goals in life? How will these be affected by marriage? Do you want to get married simply to experience sexual relations or to escape problems?

Also, to what extent are you prepared to take on the role of husband or wife? Are you capable of managing a household or making a living? If you find yourself in constant conflict with your parents, will you be able to get along with a marriage mate? Can you withstand the trials and tribulations that come with marriage? Have you truly put away “the traits of a babe” when it comes to handling money? (1 Corinthians 13:11) Your parents will no doubt have much to say as to how you measure up.

Marriage can be a source of rich happiness or of most bitter pain. Much depends upon how ready you are for it. If you are still a teenager, why not wait a while before you begin dating? Waiting will not harm you. It will simply give you the time you need to be truly ready if and when you take that serious​—and permanent—​step of marriage.

Questions for Discussion

◻ What immature views of marriage do some youths nurture?

◻ Why do you think it is unrealistic to marry just for sex?

◻ How have some youths proved to be unprepared for the role of husband or of wife?

◻ Why do young couples often have serious problems over money?

◻ What mistake do some youths make in selecting a marriage mate?

◻ What questions might you ask yourself regarding your readiness for marriage? After considering this information, how ready to undertake marriage do you feel you are?

[Blurb on page 240]

“If there is one unchallenged bit of information we have concerning whether or not a marriage will last, it is that those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.”​—Marcia Lasswell, a professor of behavioral science

[Picture on page 237]

Many youths enter marriage little more prepared for it than these

Chapter 31

How Do I Know If It’s Real Love?

LOVE​—to starry-eyed romantics it is a mysterious visitation that seizes you, a once-in-a-lifetime feeling of sheer ecstasy. Love, they believe, is strictly an affair of the heart, something that cannot be understood, just experienced. Love conquers all and lasts forever . . .

So go the romantic clichés. And no doubt about it, falling in love can be a uniquely beautiful experience. But just what is real love?

Love at First Sight?

David met Janet for the first time at a party. He was immediately attracted to her shapely figure and the way her hair tumbled over her eye when she laughed. Janet was enchanted by his deep brown eyes and his witty conversation. It seemed like a case of mutual love at first sight!

During the next three weeks, David and Janet were inseparable. Then one night Janet received a devastating phone call from a former boyfriend. She called David for comfort. But David, feeling threatened and confused, responded coldly. The love they thought would last forever died that night.

Movies, books, and television shows would have you believe that love at first sight lasts forever. Granted, physical attractiveness is usually what makes two people notice each other in the first place. As one young man put it: “It is hard to ‘see’ a person’s personality.” But what is it that one “loves” when a relationship is but a few hours or days old? Is it not the image that person projects? Really, you don’t know much about that person’s thoughts, hopes, fears, plans, habits, skills, or abilities. You’ve met only the outer shell, not “the secret person of the heart.” (1 Peter 3:4) How enduring could such love be?

Looks Are Deceiving

Furthermore, outward appearances can be deceiving. The Bible says: “Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain.” The glittering wrappings of a gift tell you nothing of what’s inside. In fact, the most elegant wrappings may cover a useless gift.​—Proverbs 31:30.

The Proverbs say: “As a gold nose ring in the snout of a pig, so is a woman that is pretty but that is turning away from sensibleness.” (Proverbs 11:22) Nose rings were a popular adornment during Bible times. They were exquisite, often made of solid gold. Naturally, such a ring would be the first piece of jewelry you would notice on a woman.

Appropriately, the proverb compares an outwardly beautiful woman who lacks “sensibleness” to a “nose ring in the snout of a pig.” Beauty simply does not befit a senseless woman; it is a useless ornament on her. In the long run, it no more makes her appealing than would a gorgeous nose ring beautify a pig! What a mistake it is, then, to fall ‘in love’ with the way someone looks​—and ignore what that person is inside.

“The Most Deceitful Thing There Is”

Some, however, feel that the human heart has infallible romantic judgment. ‘Just listen to your heart,’ they argue. ‘You will know when it’s real love!’ Unfortunately, the facts contradict this notion. A survey was taken in which 1,079 young people (ages 18 to 24) reported having experienced an average of seven romantic involvements up to that time. Most admitted that their past romances were mere infatuation​—a passing, fading emotion. Yet, these youths “invariably described their current experience as love”! Most, though, will likely one day view their current involvements as they did their past ones​—as mere infatuations.

The tragedy is that thousands of couples every year marry under the illusion of being ‘in love,’ only to find shortly thereafter that they have seriously erred. Infatuation “lures unsuspecting men and women into poor marriages like lambs to the slaughter,” says Ray Short in his book Sex, Love, or Infatuation.

“He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid.” (Proverbs 28:26) Far too often, the judgment of our heart is misguided or misdirected. In fact, the Bible says: “The heart is the most deceitful thing there is.” (Jeremiah 17:9, The Living Bible) Yet, the aforementioned proverb continues: “But he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” You too can escape the dangers and frustrations other youths have suffered if you learn the difference between infatuation and the love described in the Bible​—the love that never fails.

Love Versus Infatuation

“Infatuation is blind and it likes to stay that way. It doesn’t like to look at reality,” admits 24-year-old Calvin. A 16-year-old girl, Kenya, added, “When you’re infatuated with a person, you think that everything they do is just perfect.”

Infatuation is counterfeit love. It is unrealistic and self-centered. Infatuated persons have a tendency to say: ‘I really feel important when I’m with him. I can’t sleep. I can’t believe how fantastic this is’ or, ‘She really makes me feel good.’ Notice how many times either “I” or “me” is used? A relationship based on selfishness is bound to fail! Note, however, the Bible’s description of true love: “Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury.”​—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.

Since it “does not look for its own interests,” love based on Bible principle is neither self-centered nor selfish. True, a couple may have strong romantic feelings and mutual attraction. But these feelings are balanced by reason and deep respect for the other person. When you are really in love, you care just as much for the other person’s welfare and happiness as you do for your own. You do not let overpowering emotion destroy good judgment.

An Example of Real Love

The Bible account of Jacob and Rachel vividly illustrates this. This couple met at a well where Rachel had come to water her father’s sheep. Jacob was immediately attracted to her not only because she was “beautiful in form and beautiful of countenance” but because she was a worshiper of Jehovah.​—Genesis 29:1-12, 17.

After spending a full month living in the home of Rachel’s family, Jacob made it known that he was in love with Rachel and wanted to marry her. Mere romantic infatuation? Not at all! During that month, he had seen Rachel in her natural setting​—how she treated her parents and others, how she went about her work as a shepherdess, how seriously she took Jehovah’s worship. Undoubtedly he saw her at both her “best” and her “worst.” His love for her was therefore not unbridled emotion but an unselfish love based on reason and deep respect.

Such being the case, Jacob could declare that he was willing to work for her father seven years to be able to have her as a wife. Certainly no infatuation would have lasted that long! Only genuine love, an unselfish interest in the other, would have made those years seem “like some few days.” Because of that genuine love, they were able to maintain their chastity during that period.​—Genesis 29:20, 21.

It Takes Time!

True love is therefore not hurt by time. Indeed, often the best way to test out your feelings for someone is to let some time pass. Furthermore, as a young woman named Sandra observed: “A person just doesn’t hand out to you his personality by simply saying: ‘This is what I am. Now you know all about me.’” No, it also takes time to get to know someone you are interested in.

Time also allows you to examine your romantic interest in the light of the Bible. Remember, love “does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests.” Is your companion eager for the success of your plans​—or only for his or her own? Does he or she show respect for your viewpoint, your feelings? Has he or she pressured you to do things that are really ‘indecent’ in order to satisfy selfish passions? Does this person tend to put you down or build you up in front of others? Asking questions like these can help you appraise your feelings more objectively.

Rushing romance invites disaster. “I just fell in love, fast and deep,” explained 20-year-old Jill. After a whirlwind romance of two months, she married. But previously concealed faults began to emerge. Jill began to display some of her insecurity and self-centeredness. Her husband, Rick, lost his romantic charm and became selfish. After being married for about two years, Jill one day screamed that her husband was “cheap,” “lazy,” and a “flop” as a husband. Rick responded by striking her in the face with his fist. In tears, Jill dashed out of their house​—and out of their marriage.

Following the Bible’s counsel would no doubt have helped them preserve their marriage. (Ephesians 5:22-33) But how different things might have been had they become better acquainted with each other before marriage! Their love would have been not of an “image” but of a real personality​—one with both flaws and strengths. Their expectations would have been more realistic.

Real love does not happen overnight. Nor is the person who would make you a good marriage mate necessarily someone you find overwhelmingly attractive. Barbara, for example, met a young man whom she admits she was not overly attracted to​—at first. “But as I got to know him better,” recalls Barbara, “things changed. I saw Stephen’s concern for other people and how he always put the interests of others before himself. These were the qualities I knew would make a good husband. I was drawn to him and began to love him.” A solid marriage resulted.

So how can you know true love? Your heart may speak, but trust your Bible-trained mind. Get to know more than the person’s external “image.” Give the relationship time to blossom. Remember, infatuation reaches a fever pitch in a short time but then fades. Genuine love grows stronger with time and becomes “a perfect bond of union.”​—Colossians 3:14.

Questions for Discussion

◻ What is the danger of falling in love with someone’s looks?

◻ Can your heart be trusted to recognize real love?

◻ What are some differences between love and infatuation?

◻ Why do dating couples often split up? Is this always wrong?

◻ How can you deal with feelings of rejection if a romance has been terminated?

◻ Why is it important to take time to get to know each other?

[Blurb on page 242]

Is it the person you are in love with or just an “image”?

[Blurb on page 247]

“Infatuation is blind and it likes to stay that way. It doesn’t like to look at reality.”​—A 24-year-old man

[Blurb on page 250]

“I can only be a ‘Hi, how are you?’ person now. I am not letting any person get close to me”

[Box/​Picture on page 248, 249]

How Can I Get Over a Broken Heart?

You just know this is the one you will marry. You enjoy each other’s company, you share common interests, and you sense a mutual attraction. Then, suddenly, the relationship dies, exploding in a burst of anger​—or melting in tears.

In his book The Chemistry of Love, Dr. Michael Liebowitz likens the onset of love to the rush of a powerful drug. But like a drug, such love can trigger raging ‘withdrawal symptoms’ if it dies. And it makes little difference whether the love is mere infatuation or the ‘real thing.’ Both can create dizzying highs​—and agonizing lows if the relationship ends.

The feelings of rejection, hurt, and perhaps outrage that come in the wake of a breakup may thus sour your view of the future. One young woman speaks of herself as ‘wounded’ because of being jilted. “I can only be a ‘Hi, how are you?’ person [with the opposite sex] now,” she says. “I am not letting any person get close to me.” The deeper the commitment you feel in a relationship, the deeper the hurt its breakup can cause.

Yes, indeed, the freedom to court whom you please carries a hefty price tag: the real possibility of rejection. There simply is no guarantee that true love will grow. So if someone began courting you with honest intentions but later concluded that marriage would be unwise, you have not necessarily been dealt with unfairly.

The problem is, even when a breakup is handled with the utmost tact and kindness, you are still bound to feel hurt and rejected. This is no reason to lose your self-esteem, however. The fact that you were not “right” in this person’s eyes does not mean that you will not be just right in the eyes of someone else!

Try putting the defunct romance in cool perspective. The breakup may very well have spotlighted disturbing things about the person you were involved with​—emotional immaturity, indecision, inflexibility, intolerance, a lack of consideration for your feelings. These are hardly desirable qualities in a marriage mate.

What if the breakup is entirely one-sided and you are convinced that a marriage would have worked out well? Certainly you have a right to let the other person know how you feel. Perhaps there have simply been some misunderstandings. Emotional ranting and raving accomplishes little. And if he or she insists on splitting up, there is no need for you to humiliate yourself, tearfully begging for the affections of someone who obviously has no feelings for you. Solomon said there is “a time to seek and a time to give up as lost.”​—Ecclesiastes 3:6.

What if you have strong reason to suspect that you were merely being used by someone who never had a sincere interest in marriage in the first place? You need not resort to vindictive reprisals. Be assured that his or her deviousness is not unnoticed by God. His Word says: “The cruel person is bringing ostracism upon his own organism.”​—Proverbs 11:17; compare Proverbs 6:12-15.

From time to time you may still be tormented by loneliness or romantic memories. If so, it’s all right to have a good cry. It also helps to get busy, perhaps in some physical activity or the Christian ministry. (Proverbs 18:1) Keep your mind on things that are cheerful and upbuilding. (Philippians 4:8) Confide in a close friend. (Proverbs 18:24) Your parents may also be of great comfort, even if you feel you are old enough to be independent. (Proverbs 23:22) And above all, confide in Jehovah.

You may now see the need to work on certain aspects of your personality. Your vision of what you want in a marriage mate may be clearer than ever. And having loved and lost, you may decide to handle courtship a bit more prudently should a desirable person come along again​—the likelihood of which may be greater than you think.

[Chart on page 245]

Is It Love or Infatuation?

LOVE INFATUATION

[Picture on page 244]

A physically attractive, but senseless, man or woman is ‘like a gold ring in the snout of a pig’

[Picture on page 246]

A person who constantly puts you down before others may well lack genuine love for you