CHAPTER 4

How Far Is Too Far?

True or false . . .

It’s always wrong for two people who are dating to touch each other, under any circumstances.

□ True

□ False

A couple who refrain from sexual intercourse can still be guilty of fornication.

□ True

□ False

If a dating couple don’t take sexual liberties, they can’t really be in love.

□ True

□ False

NO DOUBT you’ve thought about this subject a lot. After all, if you’re dating someone, it can be difficult to know where to draw the line when expressing affection. Let’s address the three true-or-false statements above and see how God’s Word helps us to answer the question, “How far is too far?”

● It’s always wrong for two people who are dating to touch each other, under any circumstances.

False. The Bible doesn’t condemn legitimate, clean expressions of affection. For example, the Bible tells the story of a Shulammite girl and a shepherd boy who were in love. Their courtship was chaste. Yet, they evidently exchanged some displays of affection before they married. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) Today some couples who are seriously contemplating marriage may likewise feel that some chaste expressions of affection are appropriate.a

However, a dating couple must exercise extreme caution. Kissing, embracing, or doing anything that causes arousal can lead to sexual misconduct. It’s all too easy, even for a couple with honorable intentions, to get carried away and engage in sexual immorality.​—Colossians 3:5.

● A couple who refrain from sexual intercourse can still be guilty of fornication.

True. The original Greek word translated “fornication” (por·neiʹa) has a broad meaning. It describes all forms of sexual relations outside of marriage and focuses on the misuse of the sexual organs. Thus, fornication includes not only intercourse but also acts such as masturbating another person, as well as engaging in oral sex or anal sex.

Furthermore, the Bible condemns more than just fornication. The apostle Paul wrote: “The works of the flesh are manifest, and they are fornication, uncleanness, loose conduct.” He added: “Those who practice such things will not inherit God’s kingdom.”​—Galatians 5:19-21.

What is “uncleanness”? The Greek word covers impurity of any kind, in speech or action. Surely it would be unclean to allow one’s hands to stray under another person’s clothing, to remove another’s clothing, or to caress another’s intimate areas, such as the breasts. In the Bible the caressing of the breasts is associated with the pleasures reserved for married couples.​—Proverbs 5:18, 19.

Some youths brazenly defy godly standards. They deliberately go too far, or they greedily seek out numerous partners with whom they can practice sexual uncleanness. Such ones may be guilty of what the apostle Paul called “loose conduct.” The Greek word for “loose conduct” means ‘outrageous acts, excess, insolence, unbridled lust.’ Surely you want to avoid coming to be “past all moral sense” by giving yourself over to “loose conduct to work uncleanness of every sort with greediness.”​—Ephesians 4:17-19.

● If a dating couple don’t take sexual liberties, they can’t really be in love.

False. Contrary to what some may think, taking improper sexual liberties doesn’t deepen a relationship. Rather, it tears down mutual respect and trust. Consider Laura’s experience. “One day my boyfriend came over when my mother wasn’t home, supposedly just to watch TV,” she says. “At first he just held my hand. Then all of a sudden, his hands started to wander. I was afraid to tell him to stop; I thought he would get upset and want to leave.”

What do you think? Did Laura’s boyfriend really care for her, or was he just seeking selfish gratification? Is someone who tries to draw you into unclean behavior really showing that he loves you?

When a boy pressures a girl into violating her Christian training and conscience, he breaks God’s law and undermines any claim that he genuinely loves her. Furthermore, a girl who willingly gives in allows herself to be exploited. Worse yet, she has committed an unclean act​—perhaps even fornication.b​—1 Corinthians 6:9, 10.

Set Clear Boundaries

If you’re dating, how can you avoid inappropriate displays of affection? The wise course is to set clear boundaries in advance. Proverbs 13:10 says: “With those consulting together there is wisdom.” So discuss with your partner what expressions of affection are appropriate. Waiting until you’re in some emotion-charged romantic setting before establishing ground rules is like waiting until your house is on fire before installing an alarm.

Granted, such a sensitive discussion can be difficult​—even embarrassing—​especially in the early stages of courtship. But establishing boundaries can do much to prevent serious problems from developing later on. Wise boundaries can be like smoke detectors that sound an alarm at the first hint of fire. Furthermore, your ability to communicate in these matters may also serve as an indicator of how much potential the relationship has. In fact, self-control, patience, and unselfishness are the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage.​—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.

True, holding to godly standards isn’t easy. But you can trust Jehovah’s advice. After all, at Isaiah 48:17, he describes himself as “the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk.” Jehovah has your best interests at heart!

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 24

[Footnotes]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Love . . . does not behave indecently.”​—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.

TIP

Date in groups, or insist on having a chaperone. Avoid risky settings, such as being alone in a parked car or in a house or an apartment.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

If you’re engaged, you need to discuss some intimate matters. But explicit talk that’s intended to arouse sexual desire is a form of uncleanness​—even if it’s carried on over the phone or via text messaging.

ACTION PLAN!

I can avoid being tempted to toy with immorality by ․․․․․

If the person I’m dating tries to pressure me into unclean conduct, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● What limits would you set on physical contact with a member of the opposite sex?

● Explain how fornication, uncleanness, and loose conduct differ.

[Blurb on page 46]

“My fiancé and I have read together Bible-based articles on staying chaste. We appreciate the way they have helped us maintain a clean conscience.”​—Leticia

[Box on page 44]

What if We’ve Gone Too Far?

What if you’ve fallen into improper conduct? Don’t deceive yourself into thinking you can solve the problem alone. “I’d pray, ‘Help us not to do it again,’” confessed one youth. “Sometimes it would work, but a few times it didn’t.” Therefore, talk to your parents. The Bible also gives this good advice: “Call the older men of the congregation.” (James 5:14) These Christian shepherds can give counsel, advice, and reproof so that you can get your relationship with God back on track.

[Pictures on page 47]

Would you wait until your house caught fire before you installed an alarm? Then don’t wait until your passions are aroused before you establish ground rules for conduct

CHAPTER 5

Why Stay a Virgin?

“I feel pressure to experiment with sex.”​—Kelly.

“I feel strange for still being a virgin.”​—Jordon.

“ARE you still a virgin?” The very question might make you cower! After all, in many places a youth who is a virgin is likely to be viewed as a curiosity, an oddball. No wonder so many young people have sex before they’re out of their teens!

Pulled by Desire, Pushed by Peers

If you are a Christian, you know that the Bible tells you to “abstain from fornication.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3) Still, you might find it hard to control your sexual urges. “At times, thoughts about sex enter my mind without any apparent cause or reason,” admits a young man named Paul. Be assured that to a large extent, such feelings are normal.

However, being the victim of unrelenting teasing and harassment for being a virgin is no fun at all! For instance, what if your peers tell you that you’re not a real man or woman unless you’ve had sex? “Your peers make sex seem exciting and normal,” says Ellen. “If you’re not sleeping around, you’re classed as weird.”

But there’s a side to premarital sex that your peers may not talk about. For example, Maria, who had sex with her boyfriend, recalls: “Afterwards I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I hated myself and I hated my boyfriend.” Such experiences are more typical than most youths realize. In reality, premarital sex is often an emotionally painful experience​—with devastating consequences!

However, a youth named Shanda asks, “Why would God give young people sexual desires, knowing that they should not use them until after marriage?” That’s a good question. But consider the following:

Are sexual urges the only strong feelings you experience? Not at all. Jehovah God created you with the capacity to feel a wide range of desires and emotions.

Do you have to act on each impulse the instant that it wells up inside you? No, for God also made you with the ability to control your actions.

What’s the lesson, then? You may not be able to keep certain desires from arising, but you can control your reaction to them. Really, to act upon every sexual urge would be as wrong and foolish as hitting someone each time you felt anger.

The fact is, God never intended for us to misuse our procreative powers. “Each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor,” says the Bible. (1 Thessalonians 4:4) Just as there is “a time to love and a time to hate,” there is also a time to act on sexual urges and a time to refrain from doing so. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) Ultimately, you are in control of your desires!

But what can you do if someone taunts you, saying with disbelief, “Are you really still a virgin?” Don’t be intimidated. To a person who only wants to put you down, you could say: “Yes, I am still a virgin, and you know what? I’m glad I am!” Or you could say, “That is a personal matter I don’t discuss with others.”a (Proverbs 26:4; Colossians 4:6) On the other hand, you might feel that the person questioning you deserves to know more. In that case you may well choose to explain your Bible-based stand.

Can you think of some other replies to the taunt “Are you really still a virgin?” If so, write them below.

․․․․․

A Precious Gift

How does God feel when people decide to have sex before marriage? Well, imagine that you’ve purchased a gift for a friend. But before you can give it to that friend, he or she​—out of sheer curiosity—​opens the gift! Wouldn’t you be upset? Imagine, then, how God would feel if you were to engage in premarital sex. He wants you to wait until you’re married to enjoy the gift of sexual relations.​—Genesis 1:28.

What should you do about your sexual feelings? Put simply, learn to control them. You have the strength to do so! Pray to Jehovah to help you. His spirit can enhance your ability to exercise self-control. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Remind yourself that Jehovah “will not hold back anything good from those walking in faultlessness.” (Psalm 84:11) Says a youth named Gordon: “When I find myself thinking that premarital sex would not be so bad, I reflect on the bad spiritual consequences and realize that no sin is worth the loss of my relationship with Jehovah.”

The fact is, virginity is not strange or abnormal. It’s immoral sex that is degrading, humiliating, and harmful. So don’t let the world’s propaganda con you into thinking that something is wrong with you if you hold to Bible standards. By retaining your virginity, you protect your health, your emotional well-being, and​—most important of all—​your relationship with God.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 24

[Footnote]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“If anyone . . . has made this decision in his own heart, to keep his own virginity, he will do well.”​—1 Corinthians 7:37.

TIP

Avoid association with those who lack strong moral standards, even if they claim to share your religious beliefs.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Sexually permissive people are unlikely to change their habits just because they get married. In contrast, those who are loyal to God’s moral standards before marriage are more likely to be loyal to their mate afterward.

ACTION PLAN!

If I am going to stay a virgin until I’m married, I will need to ․․․․․

If my associates are making it difficult for me to keep my resolve, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why in your opinion do some ridicule those who are virgins?

● Why can it be difficult to remain a virgin?

● What are the benefits of remaining a virgin until you’re married?

● How would you explain the benefits of virginity to a younger sibling?

[Blurb on page 51]

“I am motivated to resist sexual temptations by always remembering that ‘no fornicator or unclean person has any inheritance in the kingdom of God.’” (Ephesians 5:5)​—Lydia

[Box on page 49]

Worksheet

What Really Happens Next?

Your peers and popular entertainment often cleverly mask the unpleasant realities of premarital sex. Look at the following three scenarios. What do you think would really happen to these teens?

● A schoolmate brags that he’s had sex with many girls. He says it’s fun​—nobody gets hurt. What really happens next​—to him and to the girls? ․․․․․

● A movie ends with two unmarried teens having sex as a way to express their love for each other. What would happen next​—in real life? ․․․․․

● You meet a cute boy who asks you for sex. He says no one has to find out about it. If you gave in and tried to cover it up, what would really happen next? ․․․․․

[Picture on page 54]

Engaging in premarital sex is like opening a gift before it has been given to you

CHAPTER 6

What’s Happening to My Body?

“I got tall really fast. It was painful. Even though it was exciting to grow, I would get cramps in my legs and feet. I hated it!”​—Paul.

“You know your body is changing, and you hope no one notices. But then someone with all good intentions tells you that you have ‘child-bearing hips’​—and you feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out again!”​—Chanelle.

HAVE you ever moved with your family to a new neighborhood? The transition was challenging, wasn’t it? Really, you were leaving behind everything that was familiar to you​—your house, your school, and your friends. It likely took some time for you to adapt to your new surroundings.

At the onset of puberty​—the stage of life in which you become physically mature—​you enter one of life’s greatest transitions. In a sense, you’re moving to a whole new “neighborhood.” Exciting? Absolutely! But the move to adulthood can elicit mixed feelings, and it may not be easy for you to adapt. What happens during this thrilling yet turbulent time in your life?

Just for Girls

Adolescence is a time of dramatic transition. Some of the changes you’ll experience will be quite visible. For example, hormones trigger the growth of hair in your genital area. Also, you’ll notice growth of your breasts, hips, thighs, and buttocks. Your body is slowly leaving behind the silhouette of a child and adopting the feminine curves of an adult. This is nothing to be alarmed about​—it’s perfectly normal. And it’s evidence that your body is preparing itself for the time when you’ll be able to pass on life through childbirth!

Some time after puberty begins, you’ll experience the beginning of the menstrual cycle. Without adequate preparation, this milestone in your life could be frightening. “I was totally caught off guard when I started getting my period,” recalls Samantha. “I felt dirty. I would scrub myself down in the shower and think ‘I’m so gross.’ The thought of getting a period every month for years to come terrified me!”

Remember, though, that the menstrual cycle is evidence that your reproductive powers are developing. Even though it will be years before you’re ready to be a parent, here you stand poised on the brink of womanhood. Still, the onset of menstruation can be unsettling. “The worst thing I had to deal with was the emotional mood swings,” says Kelli. “It was so frustrating not knowing how I could be so happy all day but then be crying my eyes out that same night.”

If that’s the way you feel right now, be patient. In time you’ll adjust. Says 20-year-old Annette: “I remember when I came to the point of accepting that this was what was going to make me a woman and that Jehovah gave me the gift to bear life. That takes a while to accept, and it’s really hard for some girls; but in time you learn to accept the changes.”

Have you started to experience some of the physical changes discussed above? On the following lines, write down any questions you have about the changes you are experiencing.

․․․․․

Just for Boys

If you’re a boy, puberty will have a profound effect upon your appearance. For example, your skin might frequently become oily, resulting in pimples and blackheads.a “It’s just irritating and frustrating to have all these pimples come out,” says 18-year-old Matt. “It’s a full-fledged war​—you have to fight against them. You don’t know if they’ll ever go away or if they’ll leave scars or if people will think less of you because you have them.”

On the plus side, though, you may notice that you are becoming bigger and stronger and that your shoulders are starting to broaden. Also during puberty, hair may grow on your legs, chest, and face, as well as under your arms. By the way, the amount of body hair you have has nothing to do with how manly you are; it’s simply a matter of heredity.

Since not all parts of your body grow at the same rate, you may experience a degree of clumsiness at this stage. “I was as graceful as a giraffe on roller skates,” recalls Dwayne. “It seemed as if my brain would send out a command, and my limbs would receive it a week later!”

During the mid-teens your voice deepens, but the process is gradual. For a time, rich, deep tones may be suddenly interrupted by humiliating cracks and squeaks. Don’t worry, though. Eventually, your voice will smooth out. In the meantime, learning to laugh at yourself will help minimize the embarrassment.

As your reproductive system matures, your sexual organs will enlarge and hair will grow around them. They will also begin to manufacture semen. This fluid contains millions of microscopic sperm, which are released during sexual intercourse. A sperm is capable of fertilizing a female egg and producing a baby.

Semen builds up in your body. Some is absorbed, but from time to time, some may be released at night while you sleep. This is commonly called a wet dream. Such emissions are normal. Even the Bible makes mention of them. (Leviticus 15:16, 17) They indicate that your reproductive system is functioning and that you’re on your way to manhood.

Have you started to experience some of the physical changes discussed above? On the following lines, write down any questions you have about the changes you are experiencing.

․․․․․

Coping With New Feelings

As the reproductive system matures, both boys and girls become aware of the opposite sex as never before. “When I hit puberty, I suddenly realized how many pretty girls there were,” says Matt. “That was really frustrating, because I also realized that I couldn’t do anything about it until I was much older.” Chapter 29 of this book will discuss in greater detail this aspect of growing up. For now, though, you should realize that it’s important that you learn to control your sexual urges. (Colossians 3:5) As difficult as it may seem, you can choose not to act on them!

There are other feelings that you may have to cope with during puberty. For example, it’s easy to feel bad about yourself. Loneliness is common among young people, and so are bouts of the blues. At such times, it’s good to talk to a parent or other trustworthy adult. Write the name of an adult you could talk to about your feelings.

․․․․․

The Most Important Growth

Your most important growth involves, not your height, shape, or facial features, but your development as a person​—mentally, emotionally and, above all, spiritually. Said the apostle Paul: “When I was a babe, I used to speak as a babe, to think as a babe, to reason as a babe; but now that I have become a man, I have done away with the traits of a babe.” (1 Corinthians 13:11) The lesson is clear. It’s not enough to look like an adult. You must learn to act, speak, and think like an adult. Don’t become so concerned about what’s happening to your body that you neglect to take care of the inner person!

Remember, too, that God “sees what the heart is.” (1 Samuel 16:7) The Bible says that King Saul was tall and handsome, but he was a failure both as a king and as a man. (1 Samuel 9:2) In contrast, Zacchaeus was “small in size,” yet he had the inner strength to turn his life around and become a disciple of Jesus. (Luke 19:2-10) Clearly, what’s on the inside is what counts most.

One thing is sure: There’s no safe way either to speed up or to delay the process of physically growing up. So instead of greeting the changes with hostility and fear, accept them graciously​—and with a sense of humor. Puberty isn’t a disease, nor are you the first one to go through it. And rest assured, you will survive. When the storm of puberty is over, you will emerge as a full-grown adult!

[Footnote]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“I shall laud you because in a fear-inspiring way I am wonderfully made.”​—Psalm 139:14.

TIP

As your body begins to develop, take care to avoid styles of clothing that are provocative. Always dress “with modesty and soundness of mind.”​—1 Timothy 2:9.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Puberty can begin as early as age eight or as late as the mid-teens. There’s a wide range as to what’s normal.

ACTION PLAN!

As I progress toward adulthood, the trait I need to work on most is ․․․․․

To take care of my spiritual growth, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why are the physical and emotional changes of puberty so difficult to deal with?

● What do you find most challenging about this transition?

● Why might your love for God tend to diminish during puberty, but how can you prevent that from happening?

[Blurb on page 61]

“There are many insecurities that come with adolescence, and you’re never really sure where your body is going to go next. But as you grow, you learn to accept the changes and even embrace them.”​—Annette

[Box on page 63, 64]

How Can I Talk to Dad or Mom About Sex?

“If I had a question about sex, I wouldn’t ask my parents.”​—Beth.

“I wouldn’t have the guts to bring it up.”​—Dennis.

If you’re like Beth or Dennis, you’re in a dilemma. You want to know about sex, but the people who have the answers may be the ones you’re least inclined to ask​—your parents! You worry about many things:

What will they think of me?

“I wouldn’t want them to be suspicious of me because I’m asking.”​—Jessica.

“They want you to stay young and innocent forever, and the day you start talking to them about sex, you lose that to a degree.”​—Beth.

How will they react?

“I’d be afraid that my parents would jump to conclusions before I finished speaking and launch into a long lecture.”​—Gloria.

“My parents aren’t very good at hiding their feelings, so I’d be afraid of seeing a facial expression of disappointment. In fact, my dad would probably be thinking up a lecture while I was speaking.”​—Pam.

Will they misinterpret my reason for asking?

“They might overreact and start asking questions like, ‘Have you been tempted to have sex?’ or ‘Are your peers pressuring you?’ But maybe you’re just curious.”​—Lisa.

“My dad always gets this worried expression when I mention a guy. Then he goes right into the sex talk. I’m thinking, ‘Dad, I just said he was cute. I didn’t say anything about marriage or sex!’”​—Stacey.

If it’s any comfort, your parents may feel as awkward talking to you about sex as you would feel talking to them! Perhaps that explains the findings of one survey in which 65 percent of parents reported talking to their children about sex, but only 41 percent of the children could recall having such a discussion.

The fact is, your parents may be hesitant to talk about sex. In many cases their parents simply didn’t talk about it to them! Whatever the reason, cut your parents a little slack. Maybe​—in a bold move that will benefit both you and them—​you can bring it up. How?

Broaching the Subject

Your parents have a wealth of wisdom and advice on the matter of sex. You just need a key to open a discussion. Try the following:

 1 State your fear outright, thus getting it out in the open. “I’m a little hesitant to bring this up because I’m afraid that you might think . . .”

 2 Then tell your parent why you’ve come to him or her. “But I have a question, and I’d rather have you answer it than anyone else.”

 3 Then just state the issue. “My question is . . .”

 4 At the end of the discussion, make sure the door is open to talk again in the future. “If anything else comes to my mind, can I talk to you about this again?”

Even if you know the answer will be yes, hearing your parent say it will keep the door open and make you feel more comfortable the next time you need to talk. So try it out! You may end up agreeing with Trina. Now 24, she says: “At the time my mom and I were talking, I remember wishing that we weren’t having the discussion at all. But now I’m glad my mom was so frank and open. It’s been a real protection!”

[Picture on page 59]

Saying good-bye to your childhood can be like moving away from home​—but you can adjust