Young People Ask . . .

Should I Tell My Parents?

‘WHAT my parents don’t know won’t hurt them!’ Have you ever said that to yourself when you had a serious problem? Or when you made a mistake that you dreaded your parents would find out about?

Fourteen-year-old Harvey has been experimenting with smoking marijuana. His parents have no idea how deep his drug involvement is. “I’m scared to tell them,” says Harvey.

Yes, a reluctance to confide in one’s parents is all too common. True, a recent study of 2,000 young persons found that youths may take questions about school, family, or career to their parents. But when heavier and more sensitive subjects​—such as dating or sex—​are involved, they go to their friends. As explained by Jacqueline Smollar, Ph.D., a psychologist who coauthored the above-mentioned study: “Kids know that parents won’t always approve, whereas friends are more accepting.”

Would you go to your parents if you had a serious problem or had done something wrong? Or are you convinced that your parents are hopelessly old-fashioned and cannot offer either understanding or helpful guidance? Do you perhaps fear they will be disappointed in you? Whatever the case, hiding your problems from your folks does not solve them. In fact, it can simply make matters far worse.

Beware of Cover-Ups!

The Bible at Ecclesiastes 7:20 says: “There is no man righteous in the earth that keeps doing good and does not sin.” But as common as it is to make mistakes, how difficult it is to admit them! Especially is this so when a serious wrong such as lying, premarital sex, or smoking is involved. Often the young person fears what will happen if his parents find out. However, have you thought of the price you pay when you keep wrongdoing secret?

Youths that resort to cover-ups often suffer the pangs of a wounded conscience. (Romans 2:15) As with the ancient psalmist, their errors can become ‘a heavy load,’ too weighty to bear. (Psalm 38:4) Almost inevitably, they are forced to commit further wrongs by lying and deceiving their parents. This, in turn, erects barriers to communication between them and their parents. Parental help is cut off.

In time, covering over problems can become a habit. One becomes like those described in the Bible as “marked in their conscience as with a branding iron”​—unfeeling and insensitive! (1 Timothy 4:2) Their hearts can become “fully set in them to do bad.” (Ecclesiastes 8:11) Their relationship with God is thus seriously damaged.

The Bible says: “He that is covering over his transgressions will not succeed, but he that is confessing and leaving them will be shown mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13) Note: It is futile to try to keep the wrong hidden​—such a course will not succeed. As one young man named Vince observed: “It’s going to catch up with you later.” Why is this? As 19-year-old Betty put it: “Jehovah sees everything anyway.” In time he can see to it that the wrong is exposed.

The wise thing to do, then, is to confess the wrong. First, seek Jehovah’s forgiveness, confessing your wrong in prayer. “Before him pour out your heart,” said the psalmist. (Psalm 62:8) This is sure to ease some of the torments of your conscience. Nevertheless, the matter cannot simply end there. ‘Why shouldn’t it?’ you may object. ‘Isn’t it enough that God knows about it and that I’m sorry?’

Seeking Out Discipline

No, an erring youth must do more than simply confess his sin to God. “Listen, O sons, to the discipline of a father,” explains the Bible, “and pay attention, so as to know understanding.” (Proverbs 4:1) Understandably, you may fear such discipline. But likely it is the very thing that you need. Why, even a wise person needs reproof and discipline at times. Proverbs 9:8, 9 says: “Give a reproof to a wise person and he will love you.” The reason? “He will become still wiser.”

But if you have proved unwise and have fallen into difficulties, you obviously need discipline more than ever! This means telling your parents. They have experience in life and can often help you leave your mistakes behind and avoid repeating them. Especially is this true if your parents are God-fearing. True, confessing wrongdoing is not easy. However, Jehovah tells youths: “Honor your father and your mother.” (Ephesians 6:2) Jehovah has assigned the job of discipline to your parents. And if they see the need to punish or restrict you, view it as a reflection of their love for you.

Love? Yes, it may seem hard to believe that there is anything loving about giving punishment. But note what Proverbs 3:12 says: “The one whom Jehovah loves he reproves, even as a father does a son in whom he finds pleasure.” Really, how much better it is to have parents who love you enough to discipline you than parents who simply do not care!

The Benefits

You may still, though, have a hard time appreciating the value of looking for discipline by telling your parents what you have done wrong. So consider some of the fringe benefits. For one thing, admitting your mistakes in a straightforward way gives you a better feeling inside. Says 18-year-old Chris: “It really can help you to talk about it. It’s finally a relief to get it off your mind.” Or as a youth named David puts it: “It will always stick with you as long as it’s kept secret.”

Getting matters out in the open frees your mind of worry. As Betty, previously quoted, observed, it is one thing to realize that God knows about your error; “and now also to have to worry that your parents will find out,” she adds, “is just too much to handle.” However, ripping away the veil of secrecy will make it easier for you to handle the problem.

Straightening out matters with your parents can also strengthen your heart and mind for what is right. As Chris further reminds us: “Without talking about it, it will always be easier to repeat the mistake.”

One young man, though, points to a seeming complication: “When you’re a kid, you think that taking a problem to your parents is really going to hurt your relationship with them.” Admittedly, your parents may feel hurt and disappointed at first. But if you go to them voluntarily​—without their having to pry the truth out of you—​they will probably realize that this took real courage on your part. They will appreciate how much you love and trust them. In the long run, they may even increase their confidence in you. You see, parents usually want to believe that their children have good qualities that will win out over the bad. And your being honest with them demonstrates that you have such qualities.

Remember, too, that trust is a two-way street. Said Jesus: “Stop judging, and you will by no means be judged . . . For with the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you.” (Luke 6:37, 38) To some extent this may prove true with your parents. Show them that you have trust in their inherent love for you. Confide in them and look for the direction and assistance they are eager to extend.

Finally, consider the benefits of listening to your parents’ wise advice. A few young people put it this way:

“My parents can look at things more objectively than I can when I’m right in the middle of something emotionally troubling.”

“My parents help me to think of other solutions to the problem.”

“You may have to make certain amends that your parents can mediate for you.”

So if you ever have a serious problem, do not hesitate to go to your parents. Give them a chance to help you. Remember: What your parents do not know may not hurt them, but their not knowing can often result in irreparable damage to you. Confide, then, in your parents and enjoy self-respect, a clean conscience, and peace of mind.

Also remember, nothing is secret “to the eyes of him with whom we have an accounting.” (Hebrews 4:13) And knowing that Jehovah knows may make it a bit easier to tell your parents. They have a right to know too.

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Who is more qualified to help you with your problems​—your peers or your parents?