Young People Ask . . .

How Can I Get My Folks to Give Me More Freedom?

JIM smiles when he talks about his younger brother Ron. “There’s only 11 months difference between us,” he says, “but our parents treated us so differently. They gave me a lot of freedom. Even when I was small they let me take my brothers to the movies. When I got older, I had the use of the family car. One year they even allowed me to take one younger brother on a trip to New York City to attend a religious convention.

“It was different with Ron, though,” Jim continues. “He wasn’t given much freedom at all. Dad didn’t even bother teaching him how to drive when he came of age. And when he felt he was old enough to start dating, my folks wouldn’t let him.”

As you get older you naturally desire more freedom, more adult privileges. Yet, youths often find themselves running into a wall of resistance from their parents. Are such parents being overprotective or perhaps guilty of favoritism? Not necessarily. Explains Jim: “Ron tended to be irresponsible. He lacked initiative. He often failed to do what was assigned him. And although I never talked back to my parents, Ron would let them know he disagreed. This invariably backfired on him.” Why, though, was Jim favored with so much freedom?

“More Will Be Given”

Jesus once told about a wealthy man who entrusted each of his slaves with some money. Two of them immediately invested the money and made a profit. But one slave merely “went off, and dug in the ground and hid the silver money of his master.” When the master returned from a trip, he rewarded the industrious slaves with greater privileges. The lazy slave? The master decreed that the money should be taken away from him, saying, “For to everyone that has, more will be given and he will have abundance; but as for him that does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him.”​—Matthew 25:14-29.

Jesus’ parable contains a practical lesson: Do you want more freedom and responsibility? Then prove yourself responsible. ‘But how can I do that if my parents won’t let me do anything,’ a youth might lament.

This may seem to be a real problem. In times past, when families lived on farms, youths had frequent opportunities to prove their worth by working hard and contributing to the welfare of the family. However, in many countries most men now work in offices and factories rather than on farms. And youths simply have less to do. Nevertheless, opportunities for your manifesting growth still exist!

First of all, whatever tasks your folks assign you, you should take seriously. Don’t be like the youth in one of Jesus’ parables who was told by his father, “Child, go work today in the vineyard,” and who said, “‘I will, sir,’ but did not go out.” (Matthew 21:28, 29) Convince your parents that if they ask you to do something, no matter how small, it is as good as done.

Doing this is why Jim enjoyed freedom as a youth. “I showed my folks I could handle responsibility” he recalls. “Even when I was a child, they would send me to the bank, let me pay our utilities bills, go to the supermarket and shop. And when Mom had to go out and get a job, I even cooked the family meals.” But was a desire for freedom the only reason Jim exerted himself in this way? Says he: “My reward was pleasing my parents. If I could relieve them of some pressure by, say, cooking a meal, it really made me happy.”

Taking the Initiative

What, though, if your parents simply haven’t given you such assignments? Pursue various initiatives. In Jesus’ parable, the master gave his slaves no specific instructions as to what to do with the money. They used their skills and abilities. You can do the same thing.

For example, Seventeen magazine suggested: “Offer to cook your family a meal, and tell your folks you want to do everything: plan the meal, make the grocery list, budget, shop, cook, clean up.” And if cooking is not your forte, look around and see what else can be cared for. You don’t need a specific decree from your parents to act when there are dishes to be washed, floors to be swept, or rooms to be straightened up.

The book Adolescence further observes: “Wiser parents . . . expect their young people . . . to acquire the academic, vocational, and social competencies that will make them more independent of their families.” Grades are one measure of your ‘academic competencies.’ Do they truly reflect your abilities? If you are falling short in school, don’t be surprised if your parents curtail your freedom.

And what about ‘vocational competencies?’ Many youths are eager to prove their ability to work by taking on part-time work during the summer or on weekends. However, earning money is just part of the picture. Have you proved that you are capable of saving and managing such money? Do you, for example, have a savings account? And now that you have some of your own money, have you volunteered to make a contribution for your room and board. (You might find it eye opening to check the going rate for renting a room in your community.) Doing so might mean less pocket money, but as your folks observe your grown-up way of handling money, they will no doubt be inclined to give you more freedom.

Loosening the Apron Strings

Some youths, however, say that they are doing such things and still find themselves hemmed in by restrictions. Seventeen magazine, though, quoted Dr. Michael Solomon as saying: “Some teen-agers wonder why their parents exercise so much control. But these same teens will continue to ask their parents everything . . . even how to dress.”

Of course, you should not cast off your parents or spurn their advice. The Bible encourages us to listen to our parents even after we have become adults. (Proverbs 23:22) Parents should be our ‘confidential friends,’ rich sources of advice and counsel. (Compare Jeremiah 3:4.) As one married man said: “My wife’s parents are still living, and though we are in our late 40’s now, they still have advice for us from time to time. We accept their advice and oftentimes (not always) heed it.”

So at times it is appropriate to “give your heart” to your parents and confide in them. (Proverbs 23:26) Especially is this true when a serious problem exists. However, this does not mean that you must rely on them to make every petty decision. Writer Shirley Gould once warned parents: “By keeping a youngster dependent on you . . . you are crippling the child just as surely as if you broke both her legs and arms too.” Rather than being emotionally crippled, you want to develop what one writer calls your “own inner reserves of esteem and self-confidence.” It is only through using what the Bible calls your “perceptive powers” that you gain this confidence.​—Hebrews 5:14.

So instead of running to your parents at the first sign of minor distress, try first to work out the problem in your own mind. Rather than being “overhasty,” or impulsive, about matters, follow the Bible’s advice to “consider knowledge” first. (Isaiah 32:4) Do some research, especially if Bible principles are involved. After calmly weighing matters, now approach your parents. Rather than always saying, ‘Dad, what should I do?’ or, ‘Mom, what would you do?’ explain the situation. Let them hear the way you have reasoned the situation out. Having done that, ask for their observations.

Your parents now see you talking not as a child but as an adult. Inevitably those apron strings of parental control will begin to loosen. True, you don’t want to cut those ties completely, for you will always value your parents as sources of advice. But you will have taken a big step toward proving that you are becoming an adult. With what result? Your folks will begin to treat you as an adult.

[Pictures on page 15]

Have you considered how to manage your money?