Young People Ask . . .

How Can I Get Along With My Stepparent?

When 16-year-old Lynch was asked in school to write on the subject “Someone That I Admire,” he began: “I admire his ways of thinking and the way he treats my mother. He is someone I truly love.” He wrote this of his stepfather. With visions of the ‘wicked-stepparent myth’ in the minds of many, Lynch’s choice may seem odd. Since statistics document the instability of many stepfamilies, how can you achieve such closeness?

NORMALLY, family members have had years to adjust to one another. But in a stepfamily all are suddenly brought together. And if your stepparent is a stickler for neatness and you are more casual, you are sure to have some disagreements. While most issues are worked out in time, some are very difficult.

“He made me take out the garbage!” protested 11-year-old Lynch to his mother. “Though I was fond of my stepfather, I couldn’t understand that he could tell me what to do,” confessed Lynch, now 20. “I thought only my mother could do that. The idea of his correcting me seemed so foreign.” Yes, discipline is one of the touchiest issues in a stepfamily.

The inability to communicate feelings is another serious problem that must be solved. To bare your heart to a virtual stranger is not easy. At times you may not even understand your own emotions. And because of preconceived ideas or simple unfamiliarity, your stepparent may misunderstand you.

Yet these hurdles can be overcome. How?

“Grow Up in Your Thinking”

“Fellow Christians, don’t be childish in your understanding. In evil be babies, but grow up in your thinking.” (1 Corinthians 14:20, Becka) This advice was given to help correct the disorder and confusion that existed in the Christian congregation in ancient Corinth. It will also help create a warm, orderly stepfamily. But how can you apply it?

Accepting the authority of your stepparent to discipline you is one way to show that you have ‘grown up in your thinking.’ He or she performs the duties of a natural parent and therefore deserves your respect and obedience. (Proverbs 1:8; Ephesians 6:1-4) In Bible times Esther was reared by a foster father, or “caretaker,” when her parents died. Though he was not her natural parent, Mordecai ‘laid commandments on her,’ which she obeyed even as an adult. She became an excellent woman, in fact a queen!​—Esther 2:7, 15, 17, 20.

“As a youngster I wondered if my stepfather let me get away with so much because he didn’t care about me,” recalled Elizabeth. But when he finally disciplined her, she admitted: “I was furious and started to bolt out the door, but something stopped me. Despite the anger and embarrassment, I felt loved and cared about.” Yes, discipline shows that you are loved!​—Proverbs 13:24.

A mature person also knows how to communicate his feelings in a way that does not erupt in a childish explosion. When you are ‘gracious’ and try to be ‘sweet in your lips’ it adds “persuasiveness” to what you say, for you do not immediately ‘turn off’ others.​—Colossians 4:6; Proverbs 16:21.

Still, misunderstandings are bound to occur. When you live with someone you will likely have some legitimate complaints​—but so will your stepparent. Try to do as Colossians 3:13 urges: “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave you, so do you also.”

The above Bible counsel really works, but it requires the cooperation of all family members. You may feel that despite trying to apply these suggestions, you still can’t get along with your stepparent. Do not give up! Your efforts may still preserve a measure of peace at home. Interestingly, Awake! interviewed some Christian youths who, though it was not easy, did get close to their stepparent.

How Some Did It

Awake!: How did you avoid resenting your stepparent’s discipline?

Lynch: My mother and stepfather always stood together on discipline. When something happened they both came to a decision to do it, so when I got a spanking I knew it was from both.

Linda: It was very hard at first because I would say, “What right do you have to tell me this?” But then I thought of how the Bible says to ‘Honor your mother and father.’ Even though he was not my natural father, in God’s sight he was still my father. I tried to think of things from God’s standpoint. The issue went higher than the family; it involved pleasing Jehovah.

Robin: I knew that it would deeply hurt my mother for me to resent the person she loved. I didn’t run away for this very reason​—though I wanted to. But later when I realized some of the problems he had protected me from, I saw that he was right.

Awake!: What promoted good communication?

Lynch: You have to get interested in what your stepparent does. I helped him at his secular work. And as we worked we would talk and talk. This helped me to see how he thought. Other times I would just sit with him and we would talk about ‘nothing.’ It may seem like a waste of time, but when you at least talk you pick up unstated messages that help you feel out that person. You also learn what hurts him and this builds empathy.

Valerie: When people dislike someone, they tend not to spend time with that person. But you need to do just the opposite. My stepmother and I spent a lot of time together and I really got to understand her. We became the closest of friends.

Robin: My father died just a year before Mom’s remarriage. I refused to get close to my stepfather because I didn’t want him to replace my father. My stepfather understood how much I loved my father. This made it easier for me to talk to him and pour out my feelings. But the biggest help was that I prayed that God would help me get over my father’s death and get closer to my stepdad. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Jehovah really answered these prayers.

Awake!: What did you do to get closer?

Valerie: Sometimes I would ask my stepmom to go to a show with me​—just the two of us. Or when I was out I would buy her some flowers or a vase, something to show her that I was thinking about her. She really appreciated this.

Eric: You have to search for something you both enjoy. The only thing that I had in common with my stepfather was that he was married to my mother and we lived in the same house. My getting a job where he worked really gave us, for the first time, something to talk about. While this helped a little, the biggest help came when I began to take the same interest in the Bible that he had. As I drew closer to Jehovah God I got much closer to my stepfather. Now we really had something in common!

Awake!: How have you personally benefited?

Robin: When I lived just with my mother, I was rebellious and spoiled. I always wanted things my way. Now I’ve learned to consider others and be more unselfish. I thought when I was seven that I would never like my stepfather. But if you give your stepparent a chance, you’ll see that he or she can love you as if you were their own child. Now after 11 years he feels like my real father.

Lynch: My stepfather helped me think like a man. He’s helped me gain skills and know how to use my hands. When times were rough and I needed someone, he was there. When my mom remarried I was getting into a lot of trouble in school, fighting every day. My mother couldn’t handle me. But the extra influence of my dad helped straighten me out. Yes, he’s the best father that anyone could ever have had.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 21]

Disciplining is one of the touchiest problems in a stepfamily