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Fatherless Families—A Sign of the TimesAwake!—2000 | February 8
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Fatherless Families—A Sign of the Times
WHAT would you say is the most significant social problem of the day? Almost 80 percent of those polled in a U.S. Gallup survey believe that it is “the physical absence of the father from the home.” According to Gallup, over 27 million children in the United States live apart from their biological fathers, and that number is rapidly increasing. A report by the United Nations Children’s Fund states that about 50 percent of white children born in the United States since 1980 “will spend some part of their childhood in a singleparent family. For black children the proportion is about 80%.” USA Today thus designated the United States “the world leader in families without fathers.”
Nevertheless, an article in The Atlantic Monthly observes: “The rise in family disruption is not unique to American society. It is evident in virtually all advanced nations, including Japan.” And while statistics are hard to come by, many developing lands seem to be facing a similar crisis. According to the magazine World Watch, “men [in poor countries] often abandon their wives and children because of increasing economic pressures.” Indeed, a survey in a Caribbean country revealed that only 22 percent of fathers with eight-year-old children actually lived with their children.
Fatherless children were common even in Bible times. (Deuteronomy 27:19; Psalm 94:6) Back then, however, the main reason young ones became fatherless was the death of a father. “Today,” says writer David Blankenhorn, “the principal cause of fatherlessness is paternal choice.” Indeed, as we will see, the rising number of fatherless children gives evidence that many people today are without “natural affection.” According to the Bible, this is just one more proof that we are living in “the last days.”—2 Timothy 3:1-3.
For young children, however, the disappearance of a father from their lives is a personal tragedy. It initiates a cycle of pain and devastation that can have long-lasting consequences. Therefore, in this series we will discuss this cycle, not to dishearten readers, but to provide information that can help families to halt this destructive trend.
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Fathers—Why They Are DisappearingAwake!—2000 | February 8
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Fathers—Why They Are Disappearing
“I don’t remember Mom and Dad fighting or arguing. All I know is that Dad was there, and then—boom!—one day he wasn’t there. I don’t know where my dad is to this day. I know I don’t feel anything toward him.”—Bruce.
“I was the only kid at school who didn’t have two parents and didn’t live in a house . . . I always felt like I stood out. I always felt very different from everyone else my age.”—Patricia.
THE crisis of fatherless families has its roots in the industrial revolution. As factory jobs began luring men away from their homes, the father’s influence in the family began to wane; mothers took on a greater share of child rearing.a Even so, most fathers remained with their families. During the mid-1960’s, however, the divorce rate in the United States began a dramatic upward spiral. Religious, economic, and social barriers to divorce started to crumble. Spurred on by the advice of self-proclaimed experts who asserted that divorce not only didn’t harm children but might actually be good for them, couples opted for divorce in record numbers. Says the book Divided Families—What Happens to Children When Parents Part, by Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr., and Andrew J. Cherlin: “In Belgium, France, and Switzerland rates [of divorce] have doubled [since the 1960’s], while in Canada, England, and the Netherlands they have risen threefold.”
Although children usually stay with their mother after a divorce, most departing dads want to maintain a relationship with the children. Joint custody is one popular solution. Yet, most divorced fathers maintain surprisingly little contact with their children. One survey revealed that only 1 child in 6 sees his or her divorced father on a weekly basis. Almost half the children had not seen their father for an entire year!
The Failure of Shared Custody
For divorced couples to share custody, it requires enormous cooperation and trust—qualities often in short supply. Researchers Furstenberg and Cherlin put it this way: “A major reason why fathers stop seeing their children is that they want to have nothing to do with their former wives. And many women adopt the same attitude toward their former husbands.”
True, many divorced fathers do see their children regularly. But because they are no longer involved in the day-to-day lives of their children, it is difficult for some to behave like fathers when they are with them. Many opt for the role of playmate, spending virtually all of their time together in recreation or shopping. Fourteen-year-old Ari describes his weekend visits with his father, saying: “There’s no set schedule, no ‘Be home by five-thirty’ kind of stuff. It’s open. It’s free. And my father is always buying me presents.”—How It Feels When Parents Divorce, by Jill Krementz.
A loving father should ‘know how to give good gifts to his children.’ (Matthew 7:11) But gifts are no substitute for needed guidance and discipline. (Proverbs 3:12; 13:1) When one trades the role of parent for that of playmate or visitor, the father-child relationship is bound to deteriorate. One study concluded: “Divorce can permanently rupture the father-child relationship.”—Journal of Marriage and the Family, May 1994.
Hurt and angry at being cut off from their children’s lives—or perhaps just coldly indifferent—some men abandon their families, failing to give needed financial support.b (1 Timothy 5:8) “I don’t think of anything about my father that I like,” says one bitter teenage boy. “He’s really out of the picture, not supporting us or anything, and I think that stinks.”
Unwed Parents
Record numbers of illegitimate births have caused the biggest growth in the numbers of fatherless children. “About one-third of all childbirths in the [United States] now occur outside of marriage,” says the book Fatherless America. Out of the approximately 500,000 babies born each year to those from 15 to 19 years of age, 78 percent are to unmarried teens. Teen pregnancy is a global problem, however. And programs that teach contraception or preach abstinence have done little to change the sexual behavior of teens.
The book Teenage Fathers, by Bryan E. Robinson, explains: “Out-of-wedlock pregnancy no longer carries the shame and humiliation it did during the 1960s because of more liberalized social attitudes towards sex and premarital pregnancy. . . . Also the youth of today are constantly bombarded with sexuality through advertising, music, motion pictures, and television. The American media tell adolescents that sex is romantic, exciting, and titillating without ever showing the real-life consequences of spontaneous and irresponsible sexual behavior.”
Many youngsters seem blissfully unaware of the consequences of illicit sex. Note some of the comments that author Robinson heard: “‘She didn’t look like the type [to get pregnant]’; ‘We only had sex once a week’; or ‘I didn’t think you could get pregnant the first time.’” Of course, some young men know all too well that sex can result in pregnancy. The book Young Unwed Fathers observes: “To many boys [in the inner city], sex is an important symbol of local social status; sexual conquests become so many notches on one’s belt. Many of the girls offer sex as a gift in their bargaining for the attentions of a young man.” In some inner-city circles, boys who have not fathered a baby may even be teased for being a “virgin”!
The picture gets even darker when you consider the results of a 1993 study of school-age mothers in California. It turns out that two thirds of the girls had become pregnant, not by teenage boyfriends, but by men over 20 years of age! In fact, some studies indicate that many unwed teen moms are victims of statutory rape—or even child abuse. Such widespread exploitation reveals how sick and depraved modern-day society has become.—2 Timothy 3:13.
Why Young Men Walk Away
Teenage boys who father children rarely take long-term responsibility for their offspring. Said one boy whose girlfriend became pregnant: “I just told her, ‘See ya’ ’round.’” However, as an article in Family Life Educator points out, “most young fathers express a strong desire to have a close relationship with their children.” According to one study of young unmarried dads, 70 percent visited their child once a week. “However,” cautions the article, “as the children get older, the amount of visitation decreases.”
One 17-year-old father summed up why, saying: “If I’d only known how hard it was going to be, I’d never let this happen.” Few youths have either the emotional maturity or the experience to handle the demands of parenthood. Nor do many have the education or the employment skills needed to earn a living. Rather than cope with the humiliation of failure, many young men simply walk away from their children. “My life is pretty much of a mess,” confesses one young father. Another laments: “I can hardly look after myself; I don’t know what I would do if I had to look after [my son] too.”
Sour Grapes
In Bible times the Jews had a saying: “The parents ate the sour grapes, but the children got the sour taste.” (Ezekiel 18:2, Today’s English Version) God told the Jews that it did not need to be that way, that past errors need not be repeated in the future. (Ezekiel 18:3) Nevertheless, millions of children today seem to be tasting the bitterness of their parents’ “sour grapes”—paying the penalty for their parents’ immaturity, irresponsibility, and marital failures. The research is simply overwhelming in demonstrating that children who grow up without a father are exposed to a plethora of physical and emotional risks. (See the box on page 7.) Particularly distressing is the fact that the legacy of a fatherless home is often passed on from generation to generation—a continuing cycle of pain and misery.
Are fatherless families doomed to failure? Not at all. In fact, the good news is that the cycle of fatherless families can be broken. Our next article will discuss how.
[Footnotes]
a Interestingly, before industrialization, child-rearing manuals in the United States were generally addressed to fathers, not mothers.
b According to researchers Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur, in the United States, “about 40 percent of children who are theoretically eligible for child support do not have a [court ordered] child support award at all, and a quarter of those with an award receive nothing. Less than a third of children receive the full amount they are owed.”
[Box/Picture on page 7]
THE RISKS OF GROWING UP WITHOUT A FATHER
Growing up without a father poses serious risks for children. While the following information may be painful for some to consider, being aware of the risks is the first step in preventing or at least minimizing the damage. Realize, too, that statistical studies apply to groups and not to individuals. Many children grow up in fatherless homes without experiencing any of these problems. As our final article will show, parental intervention and the application of Bible principles can do much to mitigate these potential difficulties. Consider, then, some of the possible risks a fatherless child may face.
◼ Increased Dangers of Sexual Abuse
Research clearly shows that fatherlessness increases the risk of child sexual abuse. One study revealed that out of 52,000 cases of child abuse, “72 percent involved children living in a household without one or both biological parents.” The book Fatherless America asserts: “The escalating risk of childhood sexual abuse in our society stems primarily from the growing absence of married fathers and the growing presence of stepfathers, boyfriends, and other unrelated or transient males.”
◼ Increased Risk of Early Sexual Behavior
Because there is likely less parental supervision in a single-parent home, young ones often have more opportunities to engage in immoral conduct. Less parental training may also be a factor. “Girls without a father in their life are two and a half times as likely to get pregnant,” says the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
◼ Poverty
A study of black teenage girls in South Africa concluded that poverty is a common consequence of unwed parenthood. “In about 50% of cases,” say the study’s authors, “the teenager is unlikely to return to school.” Many unwed mothers end up in a life of prostitution and drug trafficking. The situation may not be much better in Western lands. In the United States, “10 percent of children in two-parent families were in poverty [in 1995], compared to 50 percent in female householder families.”—America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being 1997.
◼ Neglect
Forced to fend for themselves, some single parents are overwhelmed by their responsibilities and are unable to spend adequate time with their children. One divorcée recalls: “I was working by day and going to school at night—running myself ragged. I definitely neglected the kids.”
◼ Emotional Damage
Contrary to the claim of some experts that children quickly bounce back after a divorce, researchers, such as Dr. Judith Wallerstein, have found that divorce inflicts long-lasting emotional wounds. “Over a third of the young men and women between the ages of nineteen and twenty-nine have little or no ambition ten years after their parents’ divorce. They are drifting through life with no set goals . . . and a sense of helplessness.” (Second Chances, by Dr. Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee) Low self-esteem, depression, delinquent behavior, and persistent anger were observed among many children of divorce.
The book The Single-Parent Family says: “Numerous studies show that boys raised without a strong male presence in their lives show insecurity about their gender identity, low self-esteem, and, later in their lives, trouble forming intimate relationships. The problems girls may develop from living without male role models don’t usually show up until adolescence or later, and include having difficulty forming successful male/female relationships in adulthood.”
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Fatherless Families—Breaking the CycleAwake!—2000 | February 8
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Fatherless Families—Breaking the Cycle
IF PRESENT trends continue, fatherless families will soon be the norm. A report by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services claims: “Children raised by a single parent tend to receive lower grades, have more behavior problems, and have higher rates of chronic health and psychiatric disorders. . . . Being raised in a single-mother family is associated with elevated risks of teenage childbearing, high school dropout, [and] incarceration.”
Little wonder, then, that social scientists, family counselors, educators, and even politicians desperately seek ways to halt this devastating trend. Large-scale rallies for men have been held to ignite pride in fatherhood and to confirm men’s commitment to family. Books on fatherhood have flooded the market. Efforts have even been made to force fathers to care for their responsibilities. In the United States, “deadbeat dads” have been castigated by judges, assailed on TV talk shows, and even subjected to public humiliation. Such efforts, though, have produced feeble results.
Quick Fixes
A quick fix may likewise produce dubious results. For example, a divorced woman may remarry in haste, hoping to give her children a new father. But while remarriage may have its advantages, there can be problems. Children are sometimes resistant to accepting someone new as their father. Sometimes they never do. One study revealed that “nearly two-thirds of women who lived with a stepparent had left home before age 19 . . . , compared to 50% of women from intact homes.” Even in successful stepfamilies, it sometimes takes several years before a stepfather is accepted by the children.a
Similarly, there are no quick fixes to the problem of teen pregnancy. Abortion, for example, violates God’s law and requires a young woman to shut the door of her tender compassions upon the tiny life developing within her. (Exodus 20:13; 21:22, 23; Psalm 139:14-16; compare 1 John 3:17.) How could that not leave emotional scars? Giving up a child for adoption is seen by many as a more humane solution, but it too can leave emotional scars—on both mother and child.
No, quick fixes will not break the cycle of fatherless families. Current family trends will be halted only if people are willing to make profound changes in their thinking, their attitudes, their behavior, their morals. Something more than high-sounding talk and pop psychology is needed if people are to be motivated to make such sweeping changes. That “something more” is found in God’s Word, the Bible. After all, it is God himself who instituted the family arrangement. (Ephesians 3:14, 15) He knows better than anyone else what children need.
Bible Principles Help Families to Cope
But can the Bible really help children who have an absentee parent? Are they not damaged beyond repair? No, they are not. At the beginning of this article, we quoted a U.S. government report that itemized many of the risks these children face. Dire words notwithstanding, the report concluded: “Despite consistent evidence of greater risk, the research also shows that the majority of children in single parent families develop normally.” Yes, the consequences of being fatherless can be eliminated or at least minimized. This is especially so if Bible principles are applied in child rearing.
This requires hard work on the part of a single parent—a prospect that may seem overwhelming at first. But if you are in this situation, you can learn to rely fully on Jehovah God. (Proverbs 3:1, 2) Some Christian women in Bible times faced grievous situations, such as widowhood. Regarding such ones the Bible says: “The woman who is actually a widow and left destitute has put her hope in God and persists in supplications and prayers night and day.” (1 Timothy 5:5) Remember that Jehovah calls himself “a father of fatherless boys.” (Psalm 68:5) You can be assured that he will support a God-fearing woman in her efforts to raise her children.
Conducting a regular home Bible study with one’s children is an essential way to help them grow up to be balanced, mature adults. (Deuteronomy 6:6-9) Among Jehovah’s Witnesses many single parents use Bible-based publications specifically developed for young ones, such as Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work.b The information therein helps young ones to develop moral standards that can help them to avoid making their parents’ mistakes. As children come to know Jehovah God, they can begin to perceive that they have a heavenly Father who deeply cares for them. (Psalm 27:10) This can enable them to cope with feelings of abandonment. A British girl who experienced her parents’ breakup recalls: “Through all of it, Mum instilled in me the need for prayer and complete reliance on Jehovah. That enabled us to cope.”
Maintaining the Parent-Child Bond
The Bible makes it clear that a child must honor both his mother and his father. (Exodus 20:12) And divorce does not break the father-child bond. Though the ex-husband may no longer live at home, the children can still benefit from having a warm relationship with him.c The problem is that the mother may feel angry toward him and resent his involvement with the children. How can the mother cope with these feelings?
The Bible gives good advice when it cautions: “Take care that rage does not allure you into spiteful [actions] . . . Be on your guard that you do not turn to what is hurtful.” (Job 36:18-21) Granted, it’s not easy to speak kindly of someone who has hurt or abandoned you. But ask yourself: ‘Can a girl learn to trust a man if she is constantly told how bad her father is? Can a boy develop a stable, manly personality if he is chastised by being told, “You’re just like your father”? Can children have a healthy view of authority if they are taught to despise their father or are discouraged from seeing him at all?’ Clearly, undermining your children’s relationship with their father is damaging.
It might surprise you to know that the Bible does not condemn righteous indignation. “Be wrathful,” says the Bible, “and yet do not sin.” (Ephesians 4:26) Being angry is not the sin, but being controlled by “wrath, anger, badness, abusive speech” is. (Colossians 3:8) So avoid ‘father bashing’ in front of your children. If you feel the need to express your frustrations, follow the Bible’s suggestion to share your “anxious care,” but do so with someone other than your children—perhaps a trusted friend. (Proverbs 12:25) Try to maintain a positive attitude and avoid dwelling on the past. (Ecclesiastes 7:10) Doing so can do much to help mitigate your anger.
Finally, remember that the Bible commands a child to respect his father—even if his father’s conduct has been less than admirable. (Ephesians 6:2, 3) So try to help your children to put their father’s shortcomings in perspective. One young woman who grew up in a broken home says: “By viewing my father objectively—as a fallible, imperfect human—I’ve finally come to terms with him.” By encouraging your children to respect their father, you help them to develop a healthy view of your parental authority!
It is also important that you not blur the boundaries between you and your children. They are still under the ‘law of their mother.’ (Proverbs 1:8) Sons can feel overburdened if they are expected to be ‘the man of the house.’ Daughters can likewise be overwhelmed by having to serve as their mother’s confidante. Children need to be assured that you the parent will care for them—not vice versa. (Compare 2 Corinthians 12:14.) Such assurance can make them feel secure, even though their family situation is not ideal.
Surrogate Fathers
What if the father is entirely out of the picture? Experts say that children can benefit from having male association. While the kindly interest that an uncle or a neighbor takes in a child can do some good, he will particularly benefit from the wholesome male association that exists within the Christian congregation. Jesus promised that the congregation would be like a supportive family.—Mark 10:29, 30.
In Bible times young Timothy grew up to be an outstanding man of God, without the support of a believing father. The Bible gives much of the credit for this to his loving mother and grandmother. (Acts 16:1; 2 Timothy 1:1-5) However, he also benefited from association with a Christian man—the apostle Paul. Paul called Timothy his “beloved and faithful child in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 4:17) Similarly today, Jehovah’s Witnesses are encouraged to heed the Bible’s counsel “to look after orphans and widows.” (James 1:27) They are urged to ‘rescue fatherless boys’ by taking a sincere, balanced interest in such ones. (Job 29:12) A young woman named Annette recalls the healthy interest a Christian elder took in her when she was young, saying: “He was the only real father figure I ever had.”
Breaking the Cycle
These principles can help fatherless children to succeed. In spite of their disadvantaged childhoods, they can become balanced, productive adults as well as loving, faithful, and committed parents. Even so, prevention is far better than any cure. And ultimately, the cycle of fatherless families can be broken only when men and women make a commitment to apply the Bible in their lives—for example, by adhering to the Bible’s prohibition on sex before marriage and by following the standards the Bible sets for husbands and wives.—1 Corinthians 6:9; Ephesians 5:21-33.
Nowadays, many children have fathers in the house and yet can still be called fatherless. Claims one expert in family issues: “The biggest problem facing . . . children today is a lack of time with and attention from their parents.” God’s Word addresses this issue head-on. It commands fathers regarding their children: “Give them the instruction, and the correction, which belong to a Christian upbringing.” (Ephesians 6:4, New English Bible; Proverbs 24:27) When fathers follow the Bible’s advice, children have no fear of being abandoned.
Is it realistic to believe, though, that people will turn to the Bible on a large scale? Hardly. (Matthew 7:14) But Jehovah’s Witnesses have helped millions to find happiness in their family life through a program of home Bible study.d Of course, the Bible warns that all married couples will suffer “tribulation in their flesh” because of imperfection. (1 Corinthians 7:28) But those who truly respect God’s Word seek to work out their problems, not to divorce at the first sign of trouble. Admittedly, there are times when a Christian may appropriately consider separation or even divorce. (Matthew 5:32) However, knowing the possible impact this could have on his or her children will move a Christian to seek ways to salvage the marriage if at all possible.
Following the Bible will do more than save your family now. It can make it possible for all of you to live forever! Jesus said: “This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you, the only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ.” (John 17:3) Reading and applying the counsel found in God’s Word is one of the best ways to make sure that your family will remain intact forever.
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