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Page TwoAwake!—1987 | August 8
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Regardless of the child’s age, the pain is always there. How can the grief be endured? How can life go on? Is our portrayal on this page of a family welcoming back their child from the dead just fantasy, or will it soon be a reality?
The following true stories of persons who have survived the terrible grief caused by the loss of a child will answer some of these questions. For the outcome in each case, please read these articles on grief. We believe you will derive comfort and hope from them.
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“It Can’t Be True!”Awake!—1987 | August 8
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“MAY 31, 1982, was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to clean up the yard. We had recently cut down the old Chinese elm, and there were still some sticks and branches left on the lawn. Then I remembered that our friend George had a mulcher that would make the work easier, so I gave him a call.
“George was an experienced pilot, and he loved to fly. So it was no surprise when he told me he was going to take some friends up and asked whether we would like to go for a ride. My wife Dianne and I decided that it would make a nice change after clearing up the yard. We took our three-year-old daughter with us. Maria, a lovely, bright child with dark-brown hair and eyes, was all excited.
“When we got to the airport, another friend was waiting his turn for a ride, so we all piled into the four-seater plane. We flew over the lake and headed for the mountains. It was beautiful. We looked out and saw the familiar landmarks. Some people were having a picnic on a hill. Maria was thrilled. Then, as we were going over the crest of the hill, the plane was caught in a sudden strong downdraft of wind. The engine stalled and died, and the plane fell from the sky!
“All I could think of was trying to get between my wife, who had Maria on her lap, and the seat in front. I never made it—the plane hit the side of the mountain.
“I tried to get up but couldn’t move. I could hear Dianne crying for help, but I couldn’t do anything. All I could do was yell for help.
“Eventually, emergency medical teams came to get us off the mountain. Although we had made a textbook crash landing, George and the friend were dead. The rest of us were suffering from severe injuries. Maria had head and internal injuries. My father-in-law had the painful task of coming to my hospital bed to tell me that she had died—it was a stab to my heart. ‘Why her? Why couldn’t it have been me? It’s not fair that a child like her has to die,’ I thought. If only I had not accepted that ride . . .
“Dianne was in a very bad state with a broken back. Three weeks after the crash, she also died. I had lost my baby and my wife at one fell swoop. I thought I had lost everything. How was I going to survive?”—As told by Jess Romero, New Mexico, U.S.A.
“My son Jonathan was out on Long Island visiting friends. My wife, Valentina, didn’t like for him to go out there. She was always nervous about the traffic. But he liked electronics, and his friends had a workshop where he could get practical experience. I was at home in West Manhattan. My wife was away visiting her family in Puerto Rico.
“I was dozing in front of the TV. ‘Jonathan will be back soon,’ I thought. Then the doorbell rang. ‘That’ll be him for sure.’ It wasn’t. It was the police and paramedics.
“‘Do you recognize this driver’s license?’ the police officer asked. ‘Yes, that’s my son’s, Jonathan’s.’ ‘We’ve got bad news for you. There’s been an accident, and . . . your son, . . . your son has been killed.’ My first reaction was, ‘No puede ser! No puede ser!’—it can’t be true!
“That bombshell opened a wound in our hearts that is still healing, nearly two years later.”—As told by Agustín Caraballoso, New York, U.S.A.
“Back in the Spain of the 1960’s, we were a happy family—in spite of religious persecution because of being Witnesses. There were María, my wife, and our three children, David, Paquito, and Isabel, aged 13, 11, and 9 respectively.
“One day in March 1963, Paquito came home from school complaining of severe head pains. We were baffled as to what could be the cause—but not for long. Three hours later he was dead. A cerebral hemorrhage had snuffed out his life.
“Paquito’s death took place 24 years ago. Even so, the deep pain of that loss stays with us to this day. There is no way that parents can lose a child and not feel that they have lost something of themselves—regardless of how much time passes or how many other children they may have.”—As told by Ramón Serrano, Barcelona, Spain.
These are just a few of the millions of tragedies that strike families all over the world. As most grieving parents will testify, when death takes your child, it is truly an enemy.—1 Corinthians 15:25, 26.
But how did these bereaved persons manage in the cases just quoted? Can a normal life ever be possible after such a loss? Is there any hope that we might see our lost loved ones again? If so, where and how? These and other related questions will be considered in the following articles.
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“How Can I Live With My Grief?”Awake!—1987 | August 8
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“How Can I Live With My Grief?”
TRAGEDY struck Bob and Diane Krych 18 years ago. Their six-year-old son, David, had a congenital heart problem. Diane tells the story:
“A doctor had advised that we have a test done within a year or so, to which we agreed. David was full of life, almost hyperactive. I remember that it was January 25, and David had been bothering his sister, upsetting her room. When he asked if he might go outside to play, I let him go.
“Some time later I heard an ambulance, and then a neighbor came running up the path, shouting, ‘Diane, it’s David, you had better come!’ I went out, and there he was where they had laid him over the hood of a parked car. I could not move. I felt as if I were paralyzed. They took him away in the ambulance. But it was all in vain. His little heart gave out and he was gone.”
Awake!: “How did this terrible loss affect you?”
Diane: “I went through a series of reactions—numbness, disbelief, guilt, and anger toward my husband and the doctor for not realizing how serious his condition was. I had been so upset with David that day. I had visitors coming to eat and a ten-week-old baby to care for. It was just too much. And then the next thing I knew, they were taking my David to the hospital.
“I would not believe he was dead. I would not accept the words ‘dead’ and ‘death.’ As far as I was concerned, he had gone away on a journey. ‘He’s alive in God’s memory and he’s coming back,’ I thought. So about seven weeks after he had died, I started to write letters to him. I wrote those letters for 13 years!”
How Long Does Grief Last?
Diane’s long grief process supports what Dr. Arthur Freese states in his book Help for Your Grief: “Most experts feel the loss of a child produces a permanent bereavement in the parents, particularly the mother.”
“Grief returns with the revolving year” was poet Shelley’s sentiment. Yearly reminders of the lost loved one renew the pangs. Millions of people today can confirm that and ask, in effect, ‘How can I live with my grief?’ Yet grief is a healing process, though perhaps never completed. The acute grief does diminish, even though the sense of loss remains.
This opinion is confirmed by Harold and Marjorie Bird of Britain who lost their 19-year-old-son, Stephen, when he drowned ten years ago. To make matters worse, he was their only child, and his body was never found. Harold says about the grief process: “It is said that time heals, but in fact it only dulls the memory of the dear one. The only healing will come when we meet him again in the resurrection.”
One scientific study of bereavement explained the grief process as follows: “The bereaved may swing dramatically and swiftly from one feeling state to another, and avoidance of reminders of the deceased may alternate with deliberate cultivation of memories for some period of time. People generally move from a state of disbelief to a gradual acceptance of the reality of the loss.”
Dr. Freese introduces a ray of light into this somber subject. “One must always retain perspective—recognize that the vast majority of those who suffer grief and go through bereavement . . . come through the other side, recover and go on in pretty much the same physical state in which the pain and agony of the grief began.”
In fact, in many cases the person may come out stronger. Why is that so? Because the grief experience has taught empathy—a better understanding of and identification with those who are bereaved. And since empathy goes far beyond sympathy, the grief survivor becomes an asset, a counselor, a consoler of others who suffer the loss of a loved one. As an example, Bob, whose son David died of heart failure, said: “We find that helping others bear their load of grief has also eased our own.”
Why Guilt, Anger, and Recrimination?
Experts in the field of grief acknowledge that the reactions of guilt, anger, and recrimination that are often associated with bereavement are normal for this situation. Survivors try to find reasons when often there are none that are valid or logical. ‘Why did it have to happen to me? What have I done to deserve it? If only I had . . . ’ are some common reactions. Others turn against God with such thoughts as, ‘How did God let this happen? Why would God do this to me?’
Here the Bible’s answer comes to mind, “Time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all.” Accidents can happen anywhere, at any time, and death is impartial. Certainly a God of love would not pick on anyone by taking away his child.—Ecclesiastes 9:11; 1 John 4:8.
Agustín and Valentina, mentioned in our opening article, still gave way to tears when they discussed the death of Jonathan with Awake! Did they have any recriminations? Valentina responded: “I was never in agreement that he should go to Long Island in someone else’s car. I have to be honest. I laid the blame on Agustín. Now I realize that it was an irrational reaction, but at the time I kept thinking, ‘If only Papa had not allowed him to go, he would still be alive.’ I kept blaming him. I had to come out with it because it hurt me to keep it in.”
Diane Krych’s anger over David’s premature death even expressed itself in resentment at animals. She told Awake!: “If I saw a dog or a cat walking in the street, I felt, ‘That animal has a good heart beating in it. Why couldn’t my son have had a good heart? Why should an animal be walking about and not my David?’”
The experts assure us that all these reactions, although often irrational, are natural. The questioning is a form of rationalizing, part of the process of reconciliation with the reality. Eventually, a stable outlook is attained, and common sense prevails. As Dr. Freese puts it: “The test of good grief—of adequately working through the emotional problems of mourning and grief, of accepting the death and looking honestly at all the feelings that go with it—is that the mourner finally tolerates these bad times with passing pain or only slight, faint, sorrowful thoughts.”
This leads to a leveling off. Dr. Freese continues: “The ideal is for nostalgia and pleasant thoughts, an ability to talk about the deceased with honesty and affection, finally to take the place of the aching pain and the grief and the distress.” At this point, the memories promote affection more than grief.
Facing the Loss of a Stillborn Child
Even though she already had other children, Monna was dearly looking forward to the birth of her next child. Even before the birth, it was a “baby I played with, talked to, and dreamed of.”
The bonding process between mother and unborn child was powerful. She continues: “Rachel Anne was a baby who kicked books off my belly, kept me awake at night. I can still remember the first little kicks, like gentle, loving nudges. Every time she moved, I was filled with such a love. I knew her so well that I knew when she was in pain, when she was sick.”
Monna continues her account: “The doctor wouldn’t believe me, until it was too late. He told me to stop worrying. I believe I felt her die. She just suddenly turned over violently. The next day she was dead.”
Monna’s experience is no isolated event. According to authors Friedman and Gradstein, in their book Surviving Pregnancy Loss, about one million women a year in the United States alone suffer an unsuccessful pregnancy. People often fail to realize that a miscarriage or a stillbirth is a tragedy for a woman, and she grieves—perhaps all her life. For example, Veronica, from New York City, now in her 50’s, recalls her miscarriages and especially remembers the stillborn baby that was alive into the ninth month and was born weighing 13 pounds (6 kg). She carried it dead inside her for the last two weeks. As she said: “To give birth to a dead baby is a terrible thing for a mother.”
The reactions of these frustrated mothers is not always understood, even by other women. A psychiatrist who lost her child by miscarriage wrote: “What I have learned in a most painful way was that before this happened to me, I really had no idea of what my friends had to bear. I had been as insensitive and ignorant toward them as I now feel people are to me.”
Another problem for the grieving mother is the impression that her husband may not feel the loss as she does. One wife expressed it this way: “I was totally disappointed in my husband at the time. As far as he was concerned, there really was no pregnancy. He could not experience the grief that I was going through. He was very sympathetic to my fears but not to my grief.”
This reaction is perhaps natural for a husband—he does not undergo the same physical and emotional bonding that his pregnant wife does. Nevertheless, he suffers a loss. And it is vital that husband and wife realize that they are suffering together, although in different ways. They should share their grief. If the husband hides it, his wife may think he is insensitive. (See page 12.) So share your tears, thoughts, and embraces. Show you need each other as never before.
The Mystery and Grief of Crib Death
Millions of mothers live with a secret, daily fear. As one mother expressed it: “I pray every night that I will find my baby alive in the morning.” What they fear is crib death, or SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Dr. Marie Valdes-Dapena, professor of pathology at the University of Miami, Florida, states that there are from 6,000 to 7,000 cases of SIDS annually in the United States alone. She adds: “There can be no question that this is a very real public health problem.”
Crib death overtakes babies at night, often between the second and the fourth month of life. Science still has not come up with a satisfactory explanation, and even autopsies fail to supply a reason for the sudden death. It remains a mystery.a
The sequel to crib death is often a terrible feeling of guilt. So, what will help parents in cases of crib death? First of all, they must recognize that they could not have avoided the tragedy. SIDS is unpredictable and usually unavoidable. Therefore, there is no reason for any guilt feelings. Second, the parents’ mutual support, trust, and understanding will help both of them cope with their grief. Talk about your baby with others. Share your feelings.
Grandparents Also Grieve
Grandparents suffer too, in a special way. As one bereaved father expressed it: “They react not only to the death of a grandchild but to the grief of their own child.”
Yet there are ways to make the grandparents’ loss easier. First, take them into account. Their grandchild was an extension of them too. Therefore the grandparents should be accepted into the grieving process in their own way. Of course, that does not mean that they should take over without the consent of the parents. But if they want to be included, and usually they do, they should be welcomed.
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Expressions That Don’t Always ComfortAwake!—1987 | August 8
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IF YOU have ever felt deep grief, have you at times felt hurt by remarks made by others? While most people seem to know what to say to give comfort, many bereaved persons can recall remarks that did not help. Ursula Mommsen-Henneberger, writing in the German Kieler Nachrichten, stated that some parents “are deeply hurt when outsiders say: ‘But you still have the other children, don’t you?’” She answers: “The others may be a consolation but they aren’t a substitute.”
Bereavement counselor Kathleen Capitulo told Awake!: “Another expression to avoid is, ‘I know what you are feeling.’ The truth of the matter is that no one really knows what another person is going through. However, you can validate what they are feeling. You can assure them that their feelings are natural.”
Abe Malawski, as reported in the book Recovering From the Loss of a Child, “strongly feels it takes someone who has lost a child to know what losing a child is.” He stated: “You can have fifteen children, and it will make no difference. You can never replace a child.”
In the case of a miscarriage or stillbirth, other expressions, though sincere, that do not upbuild are: “You’ll soon get pregnant again and forget all about this.” “It’s better this way. The baby would have been deformed anyway.” “It’s a blessing in disguise.” In the cruel moment of loss, these clichés, no matter how well intentioned, cannot ease the agony.
Religious platitudes offered by some clergymen are another irritant to the bereaved. Saying that ‘God wanted another angel’ paints God as cruel and selfish and amounts to blasphemy. Furthermore, it has no support in logic or in the Bible.
Should a Christian Mourn?
What about Christians who lose a child in death? At times some quote the words of Paul to the Thessalonians: “You should not grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13, New English Bible) Did Paul forbid grief and mourning? No, he merely said that the Christian who has a hope does not grieve in the same manner as those who have no hope.—John 5:28, 29.
To illustrate this point, how did Jesus react when Mary told him that Lazarus was dead? The account tells us: “Jesus, therefore, when he saw [Mary] weeping and the Jews that came with her weeping, groaned in the spirit and became troubled.” Then, when he was taken to where the dead man lay, “Jesus gave way to tears.” So is it wrong to grieve? Does it show a lack of faith in God’s promise of a resurrection? No, rather it indicates a deep love for the dead person.—John 11:30-35; compare John 20:11-18.
Another approach that can be disturbing is the condescending one that assures the bereaved, ‘Time is the great healer.’ Also, avoid the question, “Have you got over it yet?” As one British mother said: “Those who ask, ‘Have you got over it yet?’ do not really understand what it is to lose someone as close as a child. We will not get over it until we have him back in the resurrection.” Perhaps Shakespeare’s phrase is apt: “Everyone can master a grief but he that has it.”
Sometimes the father becomes the victim of a thoughtless attitude. One bereaved father became angry when people asked: “How is your wife doing?” He stated: “They would never ask how the husband is. . . . It is so wrong, so unfair. A husband feels it just as much as the wife. He grieves, too.”
‘Keep a Stiff Upper Lip’?
In many cultures the idea is taught that men especially should not manifest their emotions and grief but should ‘keep a stiff upper lip.’ The 18th-century English author Oliver Goldsmith spoke of “the silent manliness of grief.” But is that silent manliness necessarily the best way to work out one’s grief?
In her book The Bereaved Parent, Harriet Sarnoff Schiff cites the case of her husband: “Here was a man, a father, who watched his child being buried and according to convention was asked by society to ‘keep a stiff upper lip.’” She adds: “He paid dearly for maintaining a stiff upper lip. As time went on, instead of coming out of his state of grieving, he sank deeper and deeper into sorrow.”
The husband described his feelings, and maybe others can identify with them. “I feel as if I am walking across the Arctic snowcap. I am very tired. I know if I lie down to rest I will fall asleep. I know if I fall asleep I will freeze to death. I just don’t care. I can’t fight my tiredness any more.”
So, what is Harriet Schiff’s advice? “To forget all about that good old Anglo-Saxon ethic of stoicism and to cry. Let the tears come. . . . They help wash away sorrow.” The writers of Surviving Pregnancy Loss offer counsel that applies to both women and men: “Stoicism may be greatly admired by some, but only by grappling with grief can one eventually be free of it.” (Italics ours.) Otherwise, the danger exists of relapsing into what is termed “inadequate grieving,” which may have disastrous consequences for years to come.
Inadequate grieving is incomplete grieving, when the person puts the mourning process on hold instead of allowing it to flow through to acceptance of the separation. It can manifest itself in at least three ways—as repressed, delayed, and chronic mourning. What can be done to help?
Professional counsel may be needed. A supportive family doctor or spiritual counselor may be the answer. Perceptive family members may also help. The person needs help to keep moving through the grieving process.
Thus, Jess Romero admits he wept openly at the loss of his daughter and his wife in the plane crash. He told Awake!: “After some weeks my sisters took me from the hospital to the house, and as I entered I saw my daughter’s picture on the wall. My brother-in-law saw that I was affected by it and he said, ‘You go right ahead and cry.’ So I did. I was able to unburden myself of some of my pent-up grief.”
While the grieving process can heal some of the hurt, there is only one lasting solution for most bereaved persons—to see their loved one again.
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Hope for the Dead, Consolation for the GrievingAwake!—1987 | August 8
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Hope for the Dead, Consolation for the Grieving
JESS Romero, mentioned in our opening article, eventually remarried. As for Agustín and Valentina Caraballoso, Jonathan’s death still hurts, but a calm has set in. Ramón and María Serrano from Spain still come to tears 24 years after Paquito’s death. But in all these cases, what has kept them going? They answer: “The hope of the resurrection!”
But what exactly do we mean by “resurrection”? Who will be resurrected? When? And how can we be sure?
Hope for the Dead—As Jesus Taught
During his ministry on earth, Jesus resurrected several persons. (Mark 5:35-42) This served as a token of the great resurrection that will take place when the earth is once again totally under God’s rule, as millions request when they pray: “Let your kingdom come. Let your will take place, as in heaven, also upon earth.”—Matthew 6:9, 10.
An example of God’s power in this respect was when Jesus resurrected his friend Lazarus. At the same time, the account clarifies the state of the dead. Jesus said to his disciples: “Lazarus our friend has gone to rest, but I am journeying there to awaken him from sleep.” Not getting the meaning, the disciples said: “Lord, if he has gone to rest, he will get well.” They imagined he was saying that Lazarus was just asleep when, in fact, he was dead. Thus, Jesus left no room for doubt: “Lazarus has died.”
Notice, please, that Jesus made no reference to any immortal soul passing on to another state or realm. He was not influenced by Greek philosophy but by clear Bible teaching in the Hebrew Scriptures. Lazarus was asleep in death and when Jesus arrived had already been four days in the memorial tomb. So, what hope was there for him?
When Jesus spoke to Lazarus’ sister Martha, he told her: “Your brother will rise.” How did she answer? Did she say that his soul was already in heaven or elsewhere? Her response was: “I know he will rise in the resurrection on the last day.” She also held to the Biblical teaching of a resurrection to life on earth. Jesus gave her even greater reason for faith by saying: “I am the resurrection and the life. He that exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life.” Then, to prove his point, he went to Lazarus’ tomb and cried out loudly: “Lazarus, come on out!” What happened?
The historical account states: “The man that had been dead came out with his feet and hands bound with wrappings, and his countenance was bound about with a cloth. Jesus said to them: ‘Loose him and let him go.’”—John 11:1-44.
Therein lies the hope that has helped many of the bereaved persons interviewed by Awake! That same hope sustains them to look forward to the near future when the earth will be a renewed paradise and Jesus’ hope-inspiring words will be fulfilled: “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.”—John 5:28, 29.
“My Favorite Text Is . . . ”
Awake! has interviewed parents and youngsters regarding the death of a child in the family.a Time and again, in explaining how they have coped with their grief, they have said: “Let me tell you my favorite text.” If you are grieving, maybe these texts will also help you.
Fourteen-year-old Yunhee, from Seoul, Republic of Korea, died of leukemia in 1985. Her father, Chun Kwang-kook, explained to Awake! how he consoled Yunhee in her last weeks of life: “I told her about Lazarus. Jesus said Lazarus was sleeping, and as with him, when Jesus calls, ‘Yunhee! Wake up!’ she will arise from sleep also.”
Janet Hercock, from England, was 13 when she died of cancer in 1966. She was survived by her parents and two brothers, David and Timothy. David told Awake! which text was most helpful to him: “It was Acts 17:31, which states: ‘Because [God] has set a day in which he purposes to judge the inhabited earth in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed, and he has furnished a guarantee to all men in that he has resurrected him from the dead.’ At the funeral, the speaker stressed that Jesus’ resurrection is our guarantee of a future resurrection. That has been a great source of strength for me.”
In December 1975 young George, just 14 years old, took his father’s rifle and shot himself. How did George’s father, Russell, take this loss of his son by suicide?b
“Certain scriptures became an anchor for me. For example, the words in Proverbs 3:5: ‘Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding.’ To some extent I was leaning on my own understanding in trying to reconcile myself with what had happened.”
The Morgan family, from England, were in Sweden when their son Darrall suddenly became ill. An emergency operation was performed in Stockholm. Eventually he was flown back to England, where he died shortly before his 24th birthday. His mother Nell says: “One scripture that stands out in my mind is Matthew 22:32, where Jesus quoted God as saying: ‘I am the God of Abraham and the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.’ Then he continued: ‘He is the God, not of the dead, but of the living.’ I know that those words mean that Darrall is retained in God’s memory and will return in the resurrection.”
Hope for the Dead—Soon a Reality
Bible prophecy indicates that we are near the time when God will take action to restore peace and everlasting life to obedient mankind. God promises: “I will change their mourning into exultation, and I will comfort them and make them rejoice away from their grief.” “‘Hold back your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears, for there exists a reward for your activity,’ is the utterance of Jehovah, ‘and they will certainly return from the land of the enemy [death].’”—Jeremiah 31:13-17.
At that time Jehovah will progressively restore to life through the resurrection those who have died throughout man’s history. Under the heavenly government of God’s new system, they will have the opportunity of choosing everlasting life by obedience to God’s commands for life at that time. Thus, if we turn to the Bible, we will find that there is a true hope for the dead and consolation for the living.—Acts 24:15; Revelation 20:12-14; 21:1-4.
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