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Husbands and Wives—Conquer Conflict With CommunicationAwake!—1986 | January 8
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A Need of the Heart
A “fundamental function of marriage,” according to counselors Marcia Lasswell and Norman Lobsenz, may be “getting and giving . . . [emotional] support to each other.” Because of the assaults from the world around us, such support from those we love is vital. Lack of it deeply hurts, and “because of the pain of the heart there is a stricken spirit.” (Proverbs 15:13) One’s self-confidence and spirit can be shattered.
When the heart is pained because of the insensitivity of one’s spouse, anger often flares. “When he just sits there telling me I’m too emotional, I get so mad,” stated one wife. “I wind up crying and feeling terrible.” Or as Paul felt: ‘I noticed that when we were alone together, Joan showed little enthusiasm, but as soon as someone called or visited, she was so excited with them, ignoring me completely. I was crushed and at the same time angry because I felt as if I was being used. I provided for her, and yet she acted as if she preferred the company of others.’
Some couples choose to suffer in silence, becoming, in effect, “great pretenders,” as if all is well in their marriage. But the body feels what the brain chooses to ignore. Chronic pain, headaches, a knotted stomach, depression, frigidity, and impotence are reported to doctors by people with unresolved marital conflicts. Often, the increasing hostility culminates in a split. Researchers estimate that one half of first marriages now taking place in the United States will end in divorce.
But what can be done to conquer conflict and develop intimacy? The secret: Apply Bible principles. God, who made the heart and the mind, knows our emotional needs. Therefore, the Bible, which contains his counsel, provides the finest guidance. A couple must not only know but sincerely try to apply this inspired advice. If applied, the Bible can help a couple to meet each other’s emotional needs adequately.—Ephesians 5:22-33.
“I Don’t Know What She Wants”
It is not easy to recognize the emotional needs of one’s spouse. A person may hesitate to spell out his or her needs to others because of fear of rejection, further hurt, or disillusionment—or may not know what such needs are. “I swear, I don’t know what she wants,” admitted one husband. “She keeps saying we have to talk, and then when we do, it always turns out I’m saying the wrong thing. . . . So I get worried about it, and I don’t say anything.”
The Bible, though, shows that, rather than clamming up like this husband, you need to show discernment. “By wisdom a household will be built up, and by discernment it will prove firmly established,” states Proverbs 24:3. Therefore, try to discern what is behind your mate’s actions or remarks. Ask yourself: Why is he or she telling me this? What does he or she really want or need?
At times, a wife may perplex the husband with her volatile emotions. But “a man of discernment is cool of spirit” and seeks to ‘draw up’ from her the real problem. (Proverbs 17:27; 20:5) Is she struggling with some oppressive emotional load? (Compare Ecclesiastes 7:7.) Is her hostility concerning the time you get home from work really an outcry against your indifference and lack of affection? Or have you hurt her by some thoughtlessness? Is extra effort—and time—needed to smooth matters over? Discerning the need, however, is only the first step.—Proverbs 12:18; 18:19.
Building Intimacy
In the Bible, Job stated that the words of his mouth would strengthen the listener. (Job 16:5) This applies also in marriage. Sincere expressions that enhance the self-worth of your spouse are reinforcing. “You husbands,” commands the Bible, “continue dwelling in like manner with [your wives] according to knowledge, assigning them honor [viewing as precious; especially dear] as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one.” (1 Peter 3:7) When you make your wife feel precious, her hostility often melts.
Of course, according to custom, couples are emotionally closer in some lands than in others. Yet, regardless of the local traditions, husbands who apply the Bible in their marriage see the value of getting emotionally closer to their wives. Knowing that she is cherished by her husband makes it easier for any wife to bare to him the depths of her heart, and this increases their happiness.
“A good listener,” states the book The Individual, Marriage, and the Family, “has the capacity for making the other person feel that he is especially valued and what he is saying is of concern and significance.” Therefore, couples who wish to cultivate intimacy should pay attention to how they listen. An active listener gives his mate full attention and attempts to understand what that one is saying without interrupting, arguing, or changing the subject. Empathetic listening, as well as the cultivating of an unselfish personal interest in the matters of your mate, is the lifeblood of intimacy.—Philippians 2:3, 4.
To improve intimacy, marriage counselors further suggest: (1) Learn to confide in your spouse rather than in someone else. (2) Create some quality time each day, or at least weekly, without distractions, when you can pour out feelings and thoughts. (3) Share small everyday happenings with each other. (4) Regularly show affection in little things—giving a small but unanticipated present, doing a chore the other dislikes (without being asked), leaving a loving note in the lunch box, or giving an unexpected touch or hug.
However, even devoted couples will still disagree at times. The suggestions in the box shown above can help to prevent such arguments from escalating into marriage wreckers.
Even if disagreements become serious, refuse to give up on your marriage. One couple, whose conflicts had led to a separation, reconciled by reading together the Bible’s counsel on marriage at Colossians 3:18, 19 with the determination to apply this. When straightforwardly discussing the feelings that caused resentment, both asked: “Why didn’t you tell me before that you felt that way?” They listened and tried to see the other’s point of view. Now, after their being back together for nearly a decade, the husband acknowledges: “Things have only got better, thanks to the beautiful counsel in Jehovah God’s Word. Our happiness was worth the effort.”
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Teenagers—How Can You Promote Family Peace?Awake!—1986 | January 8
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Teenagers—How Can You Promote Family Peace?
“I AM writing to ask for your help,” began a letter from a young girl. “It seems I’m always fighting with my parents. I feel all alone and am often depressed. If something doesn’t happen quick, I’m going to end my own life. . . . P.S. Don’t suggest that I talk to my parents. Nobody listens to me.”
While you may not be as desperate as this girl, many teenagers experience similar conflict in their homes. Daily chores, curfews, dress and grooming, performance in school, dating, and one’s attitude toward other family members—all of these are common causes for bickering.
Nevertheless, many youngsters have found that the Bible’s advice, when applied, really does promote peace. And obviously, there are real advantages to being at peace with your parents. (See box on opposite page.) What Bible counsel, though, helps you accomplish that?
‘Honor and Obey’
“Obey your parents. . . . Honor (esteem and value as precious) your father and your mother . . . that all may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth,” commands the Bible at Ephesians 6:1-3. (The Amplified Bible) Should you not honor your parents, who gave you life, nourished you as a helpless infant, and sacrificed to give you shelter, clothing, food, and health care? Obedience means that you do what God-fearing parents ask—even if it is difficult. This is easier said than done! Yet, heeding the advice of your parents, who have much more experience in living, can make you wiser and shield you from some painful heartaches.
True, this may mean learning to do or accept some things that you feel are unpleasant. But this is essential training for coping with the pressures of the adult world. Dr. Paul Gabriel, a child psychiatrist, found that “coping children” are those that “can tolerate frustration.” They learn to handle disappointments without going to pieces and learn to accept the inevitable. The Bible also indicates that coping with adversity can build personality. Lamentations 3:27 states: “Good it is for an able-bodied man that he should carry the yoke during his youth.”
But what if you feel that your parents are overlooking your point of view? The Bible suggests: (1) Talk calmly rather than fight verbally. (Proverbs 29:11) (2) Use words that are “sweet.” Ask for consideration and help, rather than demand such. (Proverbs 16:21) (3) Be reasonable. Give solid reasons for your viewpoint rather than irrelevant remarks, such as, “Everyone else is doing it.”—See Philippians 4:5.
Talk ‘Straight From Your Heart’
When Gregory was a teenager, he felt that he got little emotional support from his mother. Her restrictions seemed unreasonable. Without any real basis she often accused him of wrongdoing. Gregory’s inner pain led to daily conflict. A minister whom he approached for help at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses urged him to talk to his mother ‘straight from his heart.’—Job 33:3, The Holy Bible in the Language of Today, by William Beck.
“I worked hard to let her know how I really felt. I needed her understanding and emotional support,” said Gregory. “I helped her see that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and how hurt I was that she didn’t trust me. Well, she began to understand my feelings, and our relationship improved. Also, I obeyed her and avoided giving her any reason to distrust me.” When a youngster’s emotional needs go unanswered, often resentment builds. But heart communication with parents can improve the home atmosphere.
The improved situation in Gregory’s home can better be evaluated when you consider he was part of a rapidly increasing type of household with unique problems, the one-parent family.
The One-Parent Family
Presently, one out of every five children in the United States lives with only one parent, and there are similar situations in other lands. A single mother in Peru told of the enormous load she had to carry, such as working long hours and then caring for the household chores. Yet she said: “What makes life harder is when the children do not respect my orders.”
If you are a child in such a family, show compassion by cultivating what the Bible calls “fellow feeling.” (1 Peter 3:8) Be obedient. Prove that you are a real son or daughter by not only helping with household chores but also supporting your parent emotionally. Be glad that you have someone who cares about you and is determined to rear you properly. Successfully coping with the added challenges in a one-parent family will make you a better person.a
True, no home is perfect. Nevertheless, focus on the positive points of your home with an appreciative eye and then promote peace.
[Footnotes]
a See “Just You and Me, Mom” in our February 22, 1981, issue.
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Peace in the StepfamilyAwake!—1986 | January 8
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Peace in the Stepfamily
• ‘Stepfather reportedly loses his patience and beats young stepson to death.’
• ‘Teenager kills her stepfather with her pistol blazing,’ according to police report.
• ‘Fourteen-year-old boy shot by stepmother, who reportedly became fed up with his behavior.’
“STEPFAMILY households can be most stressful places,” explains Dr. John Visher, cofounder of the Stepfamily Association of America. “When people go into the relationship with unrealistic expectations, they are likely to complain they are under considerable strain.” Because of snowballing divorce rates, stepfamilies have dramatically increased. But sadly, 44 percent of these fail within the first five years! Yet, many have coped with the unique problems of blending two families into one. Application of the following Bible principles was vital.
“Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning. Better is one who is patient than one who is haughty in spirit. Do not hurry . . . to become offended.” (Ecclesiastes 7:8, 9) Patience is critical! Relationships must be established that are taken for granted in natural families. You are not an “instant family.” Experts say that the process of developing a sense of “we” may take from four to seven years. In the beginning period, stepparents should take it easy. Try not to be easily offended if initial efforts to befriend stepchildren are rejected.
“By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) A headstrong, presumptuous attitude—on the part of either children or parents—leads to conflict. Have regular sessions when you can consult together as a family and talk out problems. Learn to express your feelings in a way that shows a sensitivity for others. The more you get to know about the “new” family members through open communication, the closer you will become.
“He that is showing insight in a matter will find good, and happy is he that is trusting in Jehovah.” (Proverbs 16:20) Insight involves looking beyond the obvious and being able to identify the reasons for certain attitudes and behavior. (See interview on opposite page.) This quality can help you see the good in others.
For instance, during an explosive discussion, one stepmother interrupted and suggested: “Let’s all tell one thing about each other we dislike, and then follow it immediately with something we really like.” Later, she wrote: “We were amazed at all the good traits we appreciated in each other.” Tears and hugging followed. In another home, a teen rebelled when his mom remarried, but insight brought peace. “After a few months, I realized that this is the man that makes my mother happy,” said Jeff. “And that’s all that’s important.”
But whether you will apply these principles or not depends on your spirituality. “Trusting in Jehovah,” desiring to please him, is the key to peace in a stepfamily.
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“Living in Step”Awake!—1986 | January 8
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“Living in Step”
—An interview with the director of the Stepfamily Foundation
Mrs. Jeannette Lofas, director of the Stepfamily Foundation and coauthor of Living in Step, has studied the unique pressures within the stepfamily. The following interview with her by an Awake! staff writer tells how these can successfully be met.
Q. Mrs. Lofas, why is it so tough being a stepparent?
A. Often a stepparent starts with a mythical black eye and goes on to earn the real one. Most stepparents hope to get the recognition a biological parent gets. Generally, they will not. Consciously or unconsciously, they nearly always try to prove themselves. Often the stepchildren reject all this parenting because of feeling disloyal to their departed parent. The biological parent has a hallowed place. In the beginning the stepparent will take a battering. It doesn’t always follow, ‘If you love me, you’ll love my children.’
Q. Why are stepchildren often hostile?
A. It is real tough on a child to go through a divorce. The child feels bad that Mommy has left or Daddy is not around paying enough attention. Often the children will transfer these bad feelings onto the stepparent. This is called displacement. So stepparents are easily made scapegoats for all these bad feelings. All of a sudden, the child is just being awful to you.
Q. How can you help a child cope with these “bad” feelings?
A. First, both the parent and the children need to recognize that such feelings are a normal part of the dynamics, or pattern of behavior, of a stepfamily. If you blame the child or blame the stepparent instead of the dynamics, you could be in deep trouble. The children need to understand that at the beginning it is normal to be upset and to feel anger and frustration. Often, just helping the child to recognize why he feels that way and empathizing with him is a big help. The biological parent should reassure the child that he will always have a special position and therefore has no reason to fear the stepparent as a usurper of ‘position and turf.’
Q. Can a stepparent really discipline a stepchild?
A. Yes, by setting down ‘house rules’ from the start. Love means you will give the children boundaries and not let them run wild. Discipline and love need to be balanced, in or out of step. But living in step, the love is often hard to feel. The blood and the history are missing, so a stepparent may overreact, or a stepchild may resent discipline from a “stranger.” A stepfather should establish his authority by leading rather than by commanding.
Q. What causes serious problems with punishment?
A. When the father and the mother disagree in front of the children. For a child to have the two adult figures in his life disagreeing is the worst thing. A child then has nowhere to turn. If the stepfamily has no ‘company policy,’ it is devastating. It is very important that the parents discuss privately, and agree on, what the standards of the home are and the consequences if these are violated. They must then make this clear to the child. One stepfather put it this way: “It’s a beautiful thing when the mother says, ‘This is my husband, your stepfather. Together we are bringing you up.’”
Q. How important is the relationship of the couple?
A. This is the primary relationship, and it has to be strong; otherwise the rest won’t work. You need to build what we call the couple strength. This creates a cohesive family. Without it, not only will you give the children mixed messages but they will drive a wedge between the two of you. Go out as a couple. Enjoy the children as a couple, not burdening just one parent.
Q. Do religious values help?
A. Yes, a great deal. They enable you to rise above the petty wrongs done against each other. For instance, a husband may on an occasion wrongly favor his biological child. The wife fumes. Now, is she going to rise above the pettiness of the argument, not staying in the morass of what has happened? True, he was wrong. So what? It happened. Where do we go from here? Her religious values help because she thinks: ‘What would God’s will be? That we make the family work. So what do we need to do now to make that occur? By sincerely trying to follow God’s will, we can make the system work.’
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