Talk It Out

Unfulfilled expectations can indeed be distressing. (Proverbs 13:12) Still, there is something that you can do about the situation. “You can persuade others if you are wise and speak sensibly,” states a Bible proverb. (Proverbs 16:23, Contemporary English Version) Hence, if you feel that you have a reasonable expectation that is not being met, discuss the matter with your mate.

Try to choose the right time, the right setting, and the right words to state your concerns. (Proverbs 25:11) Speak calmly and respectfully. Remember your objective​—not to accuse your spouse but to inform him or her of your expectations and feelings.​—Proverbs 15:1.

Why should you have to do this at all? Would not a considerate spouse be able to perceive your needs? Well, your spouse may simply be looking at matters from a different point of view but would gladly consider your needs if you explained them. It is not a sign of a weak marriage for you to express what you want or need, nor is it evidence of an insensitive mate.

So do not hesitate to discuss matters with your spouse. For example, in the situation described earlier, Mary could say to David: “I have to admit that I find meeting so many new people to be somewhat challenging. Until I feel more at home, could you help me to get acquainted with everybody?”

“Swift About Hearing”

Now consider the matter from another angle. Suppose you are approached by your mate, and he or she is distressed because you are not fulfilling a reasonable expectation. If this happens, listen to your spouse! Try not to become defensive. Instead, “be swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19; Proverbs 18:13) The apostle Paul urged Christians: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.”​—1 Corinthians 10:24.

You can do this by putting yourself in your mate’s position. The Bible states: “You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with [your wives] according to knowledge,” or, as rendered in J. B. Phillips’ translation, “you husbands should try to understand the wives you live with.” (1 Peter 3:7) Of course, wives would do well to make the same effort with regard to their husbands.

Remember, no matter how compatible you and your spouse may be, you do not share the same outlook on all matters. (See the box “Same Landscape, Different Views.”) Really, this is a blessing, for it is good to consider matters from another’s perspective. You and your spouse each brought to your marriage unique expectations based on such things as family background and culture. As a result, you can be deeply in love and yet not have the same expectations.

For example, Christian mates may well know the Bible principle of headship. (Ephesians 5:22, 23) But how, specifically, will headship be exercised within your family, and how will submission be demonstrated? Are the two of you guided by this Bible principle, and are you making genuine efforts to follow it?

You may also have differing notions regarding other issues of everyday life. Who will take care of certain household chores? When will you spend time with relatives, and how much? How will Christian mates show that they are putting Kingdom interests first in their life? (Matthew 6:33) When it comes to finances, it is easy to go into debt, so it pays to be thrifty and resourceful. Yet, precisely what does it mean to be thrifty and resourceful? Matters like these need to be discussed openly and respectfully, with great benefit.

Such discussions can help you achieve greater peace in your marriage, even if until now some expectations have gone unfulfilled. Indeed, you will be better able to apply the apostle Paul’s admonition: “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another.”​—Colossians 3:13.

[Box/​Picture on page 10]

SAME LANDSCAPE, DIFFERENT VIEWS

“Imagine a crowd of tourists viewing a picturesque landscape. Although the entire group beholds the same scene, each person sees it differently. Why? Because each individual has a different vantage point. No two persons are standing precisely at the same location. Furthermore, not everyone focuses on the same portion of the scene. Each person finds a different aspect to be particularly intriguing. The same is true within marriage. Even when they are highly compatible, no two partners share precisely the same outlook on matters. . . . Communication includes the effort to blend [the] differences into a one-flesh relationship. This requires making time to talk.”​—The Watchtower, August 1, 1993, page 4.