Step 1

Seek Good Advice

Why take this step? The first time that parents hold a newborn child in their arms, they may be buffeted by conflicting emotions. “I felt deep joy and wonder,” says Brett, a father who lives in Britain. “But I also experienced an overwhelming sense of responsibility and felt unprepared for the job.” Monica, a mother who lives in Argentina, says: “I worried about whether I could care for my little girl’s needs. I wondered, ‘Will I be able to train her to become a responsible adult?’”

Can you relate to the joys and fears of those parents? Certainly, raising a child is one of the most taxing yet fulfilling, and frustrating yet rewarding, tasks any human can attempt. As one father said, “you only get one shot at raising your child.” Given the enormous influence parents have on the health and happiness of their children, you may feel a strong need for trustworthy advice on how to be a better parent.

The challenge: Everyone seems to have advice on raising children. In the past, new parents relied on their parents’ example or on their religious convictions to guide them. But in a number of lands, the family unit is decaying and religion has lost its influence. As a result, many parents turn to professional parenting experts for advice. Some of what these experts say is based on sound principles. In other cases the counsel of such experts can be contradictory and may soon be considered out-of-date.

The solution: Seek the advice of the one Person who knows most about how to raise children​—the Creator of human life, Jehovah God. (Acts 17:26-28) His Word, the Bible, contains both direct advice and practical examples that can help you become a better parent. “I will give advice with my eye upon you,” he promises.​—Psalm 32:8.

What advice does God give to parents that can help them raise happy children?

[Blurb on page 3]

“Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding.”​—Proverbs 3:5

Step 2

Create a Loving Home

Why take this step? Children need love and wither without it. In the 1950’s, anthropologist M. F. Ashley Montagu wrote: “What the human organism requires most for its development is a nutriment of love; the source of virtually all health is in the experience of love, especially within the first six years of life.” Modern researchers echo Montagu’s conclusion that “children suffer serious crippling effects when exposed to an inadequate diet of love.”

The challenge: Living in this loveless, selfish world strains family bonds. (2 Timothy 3:1-5) Married couples may find that the financial and emotional demands of raising children make existing marital problems escalate. For example, differences in opinion between a married couple on how to discipline and reward the children may increase tension between two people who already find it difficult to communicate.

The solution: Plan regular time together as a family. Married couples also need to plan time alone together. (Amos 3:3) Make wise use of the time after the children have gone to bed. Do not allow TV to rob you of these valuable moments. Keep the romance in your marriage by regularly expressing affection for each other. (Proverbs 25:11; Song of Solomon 4:7-10) Rather than constantly “finding fault,” look for ways each day to praise your spouse.​—Psalm 103:9, 10; Proverbs 31:28.

Tell your children that you love them. Jehovah God set the example for parents by openly expressing affection for his Son, Jesus. (Matthew 3:17; 17:5) Fleck, a father who lives in Austria, says: “I have found that children are a bit like some flowers. Just as these little plants turn toward the sun to receive light and warmth, children look to their parents for love and for reassurance that they are valued members of the family.”

Whether you are married or are a single parent, if you help your family develop a love for each other and for God, your family life will improve.

What, though, does God’s Word say about exercising parental authority?

[Blurb on page 4]

“Love . . . is a perfect bond of union.”​—Colossians 3:14

Step 3

Exercise Your Authority

Why take this step? Studies show that “children brought up by loving but authoritative parents​—those who are supportive of their children yet maintain firm limits—​excel academically, develop better social skills, feel good about themselves, and are happier overall than kids whose parents are either too lenient or excessively harsh,” says Parents magazine.

The challenge: All the way from babyhood through their teen years, children will challenge your right to exert authority over them. “Children are quick to learn when their parents are afraid to assert their authority and can be relied upon to give in,” writes John Rosemond, author of the book Parent Power! “When it comes to a question of ‘Who’s the boss?’ if parents won’t run with the ball, children will,” he says.

The solution: Do not worry that you will alienate your children or crush their spirit if you exercise your authority. Jehovah God, the Originator of family life, does not intend for children to have an equal say in how the family is governed. Rather, he appoints parents to their position of authority and commands children: “Be obedient to your parents.”​—Ephesians 3:14, 15; 6:1-4.

You can exercise your authority without becoming a tyrant. How? By following Jehovah’s example. He has the power to force his human children to do his will, yet he appeals to the good in us. “O if only you would actually pay attention to my commandments! Then your peace would become just like a river,” states his Word. (Isaiah 48:18) Jehovah wants us to obey him, not because we have a morbid fear of him, but because we love him. (1 John 5:3) He is reasonable in what he requires of us and knows that we will benefit if we live by his moral standards.​—Psalm 19:7-11.

How can you gain the confidence to exercise your parental authority in a balanced manner? First, you need to be convinced that God requires this of you. Second, you must be certain that living by God’s moral standards is best for you and your children.​—Romans 12:2.

What, specifically, must you do to exercise your authority?

[Blurb on page 5]

“Discipline your children, and . . . they will give delight to your heart.”​—Proverbs 29:17, New Revised Standard Version

Step 4

Define Family Rules and Enforce Them Promptly

Why take this step? “The fact is,” says Ronald Simons, a sociologist at the University of Georgia, “kids fare better with clear rules and firm consequences. Without structure, children become self-absorbed, selfish, and unhappy​—and they make everyone around them miserable too.” God’s Word simply states: “If you love your children, you will correct them.”​—Proverbs 13:24, New Century Version.

The challenge: Defining reasonable limits for your children’s behavior and enforcing those limits takes time, effort, and perseverance. And children seem to have a natural urge to test any such boundaries. Mike and Sonia, who are raising two children, sum up the challenge well. “Children are small people with their own minds and desires and an inborn tendency to sin,” they say. These parents dearly love their girls. But they admit, “At times, children can be stubborn and selfish.”

The solution: Imitate the way Jehovah dealt with the nation of Israel. One way he expressed his love for his people was by clearly defining the laws he expected them to follow. (Exodus 20:2-17) He outlined the consequences of disobeying those laws.​—Exodus 22:1-9.

Therefore, why not make a written list of the household laws, or rules, that you feel your children must obey. Some parents suggest limiting such a list to just a few rules, maybe five or so. A short list of well-chosen house rules is less difficult to enforce and more likely to be remembered. Next to the rules, write down the consequences for breaking them. Make sure the punishments are reasonable and that you are willing to enforce them. Review the rules regularly so all​—including Mom and Dad—​know exactly what is expected of them.

If the rules are broken, enforce the consequences quickly, doing so in a calm, firm, and consistent manner. Note: If you are angry, wait until you calm down before you administer any discipline. (Proverbs 29:22) However, do not procrastinate. Do not bargain. If you do, your child will think that the rules are not to be taken seriously. This is similar to what the Bible says: “Because sentence against a bad work has not been executed speedily, that is why the heart of the sons of men has become fully set in them to do bad.”​—Ecclesiastes 8:11.

How else can you assert your authority in a way that benefits your children?

[Blurb on page 6]

“Just let your word Yes mean Yes, your No, No.”​—Matthew 5:37

Step 5

Establish and Maintain Routines

Why take this step? Routines are a major part of adult life. Work, worship, and even recreation usually follow set routines. Parents handicap their children if they do not teach them to structure their time and to stick to a schedule. On the other hand, “studies show that having rules and structure makes a child feel safe and secure and teaches self-control and self-reliance,” says Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a professor of psychology.

The challenge: Life is hectic. Many parents work long hours, so they may have little time to spend with their children on a regular basis. Establishing and maintaining routines requires self-discipline and determination to overcome a child’s initial resistance to conforming to the routines.

The solution: Apply, in principle, the Bible’s counsel to “let all things take place decently and by arrangement.” (1 Corinthians 14:40) For example, while their children are very young, many parents wisely establish a firm, regular bedtime. However, bedtime should be made pleasant. Tatiana, who lives in Greece and is a mother of two young girls, says: “When the children are in bed, I caress them and tell them what Mommy did while they were in school. I then ask them if they would like to tell me some of the things they did that day. They are relaxed. Often they open up to me.”

Kostas, Tatiana’s husband, reads stories to the girls. “They comment on the story,” he says, “and often the discussion drifts to their personal concerns. It never works if I just demand that the girls tell me what’s worrying them.” Of course, as the children grow older, you will want to adjust the bedtime appropriately. But if you maintain the routine, your children will likely continue to use this time to talk to you.

In addition, families will wisely make it a habit to eat at least one meal a day together. To establish this habit, mealtimes may need to be a little flexible. “I sometimes come home from work late,” says Charles, father of two girls. “My wife might give the girls a snack to hold them over, but she always has everyone wait until we can have our meal as a family. We discuss our day’s activities, review a Bible text, talk about problems, and laugh together. I can’t stress enough how important this routine has been to the happiness of our family.”

To master this step, do not let the pursuit of material possessions crowd out family routines. Apply the Bible’s advice to “make sure of the more important things.”​—Philippians 1:10.

What else can parents do to improve communication with their children?

[Blurb on page 7]

“Let all things take place decently and by arrangement.”​—1 Corinthians 14:40

Step 6

Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings

Why take this step? Children want and need the most important people in their lives​—their parents—​to know how they feel. If parents habitually contradict their children when such feelings are expressed, the children will be less likely to open up to them and may even start to doubt their ability to feel and think for themselves.

The challenge: Children are prone to express their thoughts and emotions in extreme terms. True, some of what children say is unsettling for parents to hear. For example, a frustrated child may say, “I hate my life.”a A parent’s instinctive response may be, “No you don’t!” Parents may worry that acknowledging a child’s negative feelings or thoughts amounts to condoning them.

The solution: Apply the Bible’s advice to be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) Note that Jehovah God acknowledged the negative feelings of many of his faithful servants by having them recorded in the Bible. (Genesis 27:46; Psalm 73:12, 13) For instance, when Job was experiencing extreme trials, he said that he wished to die.​—Job 14:13.

Obviously, some of Job’s thoughts and feelings needed correcting. But instead of denying Job’s feelings or stopping him from talking, Jehovah dignified Job by patiently allowing him to pour out his heart. Only afterward did Jehovah kindly correct him. One Christian father expressed the matter this way, “Since Jehovah allows me to pour out my heart to him in prayer, I think it is only fair that I allow my children to pour out their positive and negative feelings to me.”

The next time you are tempted to tell your child, “You don’t really feel that way” or “You can’t honestly think that,” remember Jesus’ famous rule: “Just as you want men to do to you, do the same way to them.” (Luke 6:31) For instance, imagine that you have been dealt with harshly at work or suffered some disappointment, possibly because of your own failing. You express your frustration to a close friend, saying you cannot cope with your job. What would you want your friend to do? Tell you that you don’t really feel that way and immediately point out that the problem is your own fault anyway? Or would you prefer it if your friend said: “That must have been difficult. You’ve had a hard day”?

Children as well as adults are far more likely to accept counsel if they feel that the one offering it truly understands them and the difficulties they face. “The heart of the wise one causes his mouth to show insight, and to his lips it adds persuasiveness,” says God’s Word.​—Proverbs 16:23.

How can you ensure that any counsel you give is taken seriously?

[Footnote]

[Blurb on page 8]

“When anyone is replying to a matter before he hears it, that is foolishness on his part.”​—Proverbs 18:13

Step 7

Teach by Example

Why take this step? Actions teach. Words often impart only information. For example, parents may tell their children to be respectful and speak the truth. However, if these same parents scream at each other or at their children and tell lies to excuse themselves from inconvenient obligations, they teach that this is how adults should behave. Copying parents is “one of the most powerful ways that children learn,” says author Dr. Sal Severe.

The challenge: Parents are imperfect. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” wrote the apostle Paul. (Romans 3:23) As for controlling our speech, the disciple James wrote: “The tongue, not one of mankind can get it tamed.” (James 3:8) In addition, it is not uncommon for children to try a parent’s patience to the limit. “I was amazed at how easily my children were able to make me lose my temper,” says Larry, a father of two, who is normally calm and self-controlled.

The solution: Strive to be good​—not perfect—​examples. And use your occasional poor behavior to teach a positive lesson. “If I lost my temper with my children or if I made a bad decision that adversely affected them,” says Chris, a father of two, “I would admit my mistake and apologize. This taught my children that parents make mistakes too and that we all need to work to improve our conduct.” Kostas, mentioned earlier, says: “I have found that because I apologize when I lose my temper, my girls have learned to say they are sorry when they make mistakes.”

Jehovah God says: “Do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.” (Ephesians 6:4) When someone in authority says one thing but does another, this irritates children as much as, or possibly more than, it does adults. Therefore, why not ask yourself these questions at the end of each day: If I had not said a word all day, what lessons would my children have learned from my actions? Are these the same lessons I try to teach verbally?

[Blurb on page 9]

“Do you, . . . the one teaching someone else, not teach yourself?”​—Romans 2:21

[Pictures on page 9]

When a parent apologizes, a child also learns to do so