Acting in Your Child’s Best Interests

REGARDLESS of how a custody dispute turns out, the children still need the love and guidance of both their parents. After the judge gives his decision, the parents are still left with the task of helping their children cope with the consequences. Though a court proceeding is difficult for the parents, it is an even greater emotional strain for the children.

For instance, when Mary Ann was six years old, the court awarded custody to her father. But in the ten years that followed, her mother fought relentlessly to get the girl back. Emotionally drained after more than 40 court appearances, Mary Ann explained her solution. “Why don’t they cut me in half,” she proposed. “My mother can have my front and my father my back.”

Obviously, a lengthy legal fight is not always in the best interests of a child. The director of the clinic that helped Mary Ann explained: “Chronic litigation is costly in both economic and human terms.”

Children Still Have Ties to Two Parents

While there are divorced mates, there are no divorced children. The blood ties of children can never be dissolved by a judge. To appreciate a child’s dilemma, imagine how you as a parent would feel if asked to choose between your children. Which child would you pick? Which would you discard? Neither parents nor children should be confronted with such a decision. Usually, children love both parents, so the pressure to make a choice creates a painful conflict of loyalties.

In a leading text on this subject, Beyond the Best Interests of the Child, the authors showed that such loyalty conflicts “may have devastating consequences by destroying the child’s positive relationships to both parents.” For instance, Julie, a child from a broken home, explained: “You have one parent at home that you really love, and you love the other one too. It was so hard when Dad would come to pick us up for the weekend. I would have to look at him, and then also look at Mom, and I knew that he hated her. I was afraid to show any of my feelings to either one.”

Recognize your child’s emotional ties to both parents. Each parent must respect and honor the other parent’s position in the child’s life for the healthy development of the child’s personality. Try to see positive areas where both of you can contribute to the child’s welfare. Do not conclude that everything an ex-mate does is automatically wrong. It is “the duty of each to enhance the image of the other parent in the eyes and mind of the child, or at least to avoid criticism which might impair it,” explained one Texas court. This requires parents to minimize their personal conflict to make room for the child’s needs.

Strive for Settlement

Before going to court, explore all avenues of negotiation and possible settlement. Lawsuits are like war; they leave deep wounds and emotional scars that may never heal. Recourse to law should be taken only when all avenues of reasonable negotiation and accommodation have been tried and have failed. In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus Christ gave a basic legal principle that has practical value: “Be about settling matters quickly with the one complaining against you at law.”​—Matthew 5:25.

The outcome of a trial is never certain. Judges have found that between 80 and 90 percent of their custody cases involve two caring parents, neither of whom is unfit. This often makes a satisfactory resolution all but impossible. “It’s no wonder that occasionally such a magistrate will throw up his hands in horror,” explains The Custody Handbook, by Persia Woolley, “and ask the parents why . . . they don’t settle the matter between themselves.”

Many divorce courts have provisions for a couple to work out between themselves the care of the children. Parents surely know best the needs and circumstances of the children and can decide what arrangements would allow each parent still to have a reasonable influence in the children’s lives. With some legal help, many parents have worked out together an acceptable custody arrangement, including joint custody in instances where custody can be shared. In fact, 90 percent of custody cases are settled before the parents actually go into court.

A trained mediator may help work out even the most difficult of situations. For instance, one extremely bitter couple planned to live 3,000 miles [5,000 km] apart after divorcing. Yet, each wanted custody of their two children. The mediator told them: “There must be a spark of cooperation here. You both did like each other once, so let’s see what we can work out so your kids don’t lose one of you completely.” An arrangement was worked out so both parents could still have meaningful roles in their children’s lives.

Mediation is, of course, only one of several ways by which to settle child-custody disputes short of a court battle. The focus should be on working out the present instead of dredging up the past. The primary goal of mediation is to help the couple achieve a mutually fair agreement (with neither feeling like the winner or the loser) that will be of benefit to the children. While this is not a panacea in all cases, it is a process that can save the huge cost​—financial and emotional—​of a court battle. Genuine effort to settle can prevent bitter disputes and allow children to maintain their attachment to both parents.

How to Reach an Agreement

Obviously, when a family is broken and marriage partners are separated, neither can have exclusive control of the child. Both parents must be reasonable and willing to make some concessions. Mediation requires negotiation. Negotiation means neither parent gets everything he or she wants.

Never forget that the child has a right to receive input from both parents. Therefore, it would be shortsighted for one parent to demand prohibitions on a child’s attendance at or participation in the religious, cultural, or social activities of the other parent when the child is with that one. Likewise, it would be inappropriate for a parent to take an absolute position on a child’s school and extracurricular activities, association, recreation, or post-secondary education without due consideration for the other parent’s input and the child’s individual choices.

For example, in a number of custody disputes in which a parent is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and the other is not, the couple have reached an amicable settlement by agreeing that the non-Witness parent will have generous time with the children throughout the year, including holidays and other times that are of special importance to the non-Witness. The parents have agreed to allow each other to have an active input into the educational, social, and medical issues affecting the children. After all, both parents brought the child into the world and thus have a natural right to have a say in his upbringing.

The Witness parent should encourage the child to respect the right of the non-Witness parent to have his own religious views and to express appreciation for that one’s kindnesses and gifts. If both parents consider what is best for the children, restraint and reasonableness can prevail over emotion and bruised pride.

In most cases these negotiations are emotionally draining. Thus, it may be well to have legal or other representatives conduct the settlement discussions. This assistance can often eliminate most misunderstandings about the specifics of the settlement.

The Divorce Mediation Center in Charlotte, North Carolina, compared the couples who chose to mediate their cases with those who went into court as adversaries. Fully 93 percent of the mediated group expressed satisfaction with the results, as compared to only 56 percent of those who battled in court!

But what can be done if your ex-mate refuses to negotiate in good faith or demands religious restrictions that are not negotiable? Then it may be necessary to prepare to go to court.

When You Must Go to Court

In most cases, having a competent lawyer trained in custody cases is essential to a successful conclusion.a Having experienced legal counsel at the outset can often prevent costly mistakes. Also, a competent lawyer may even be influential in bringing about a pretrial settlement. Even during the trial, a mate may be moved to negotiate a settlement. An equitable agreement at any stage of the procedure is better than a dragged-out battle.

Knowing what most judges look for in making their decision is helpful. A 1982 survey of 80 magistrates found that at the top of the list were (1) mental stability of each parent and (2) each parent’s sense of responsibility to the child. To assist courts in determining the facts, a mental-health professional may interview the parents and the children. His psychological assessment has often shaped the court’s decision.

Such evaluations are nothing to be feared. Even if a Christian’s beliefs are under scrutiny, there is no reason to become defensive or uncooperative. “Let your reasonableness become known to all men,” recommends the Bible.​—Philippians 4:5.

Remember, during such evaluations it is not the time to give a Bible sermon. It is a time to describe the full range of your activities with your child, including recreation, secular education, vacation time, arrangements for contact with the other parent, and social activities with friends and relatives. Answer questions honestly and clearly. Think the matter out carefully so that you can explain in positive and simple terms how you care for your child’s emotional and physical well-being.

The same principles apply when you are questioned in court. By thorough preparation you will be able to describe, without trying to preach or give a sermon, the many ways that “the healthful teaching” of God’s Word enables you to be a responsible parent.​—2 Timothy 4:3.

Making the Best of the Situation

At times, despite your best efforts, a judge may rule against you. Christians are urged to “be obedient to governments and authorities as rulers” and “not to be belligerent, [but] to be reasonable.” (Titus 3:1, 2) Hence, a Christian does not disregard the orders of a court.

If you are dissatisfied with a court order, you can review your options with legal counsel. You may wish to appeal the decision to a higher court. In some instances, you can seek modification of the order from the court after a period of time if circumstances change. But you will have to live with the order as long as it is in place.

Even an adverse judgment does not mean that all is lost. The lives of both parents and children change. There may be favorable, though unexpected, developments. Your patience can be richly rewarded.

Although your time with your child as a visiting parent is limited, you still can be a valuable influence in your child’s life. Children who continue to have close regular contact with both parents not only suffer less from the divorce but are also more likely to grow into mature and balanced adults. So work to nurture your relationship with your child.

You can influence the religious and moral values of your child by your own fine example. “The righteous is walking in his integrity. Happy are his sons after him.” (Proverbs 20:7) Even without words, you can do much to shape your child’s heart and mind. He will notice the way you treat others, your major goals in life, and your feelings about God.

Indeed, acting in the best interests of your child requires genuine love. Love “does not look for its own interests,” says the Bible. “It does not keep account of the injury . . . [but] hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) Such unselfish love can be richly rewarding. One 11-year-old girl whose divorced parents had learned to put her interests above their own disagreements said: “Thank goodness my parents love me enough to let me love both of them!”

[Footnotes]

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Advantages of Parents, Rather Than the Courts, Settling

◼ No one knows the needs of the children better than the parents; thus, they are in the best position to decide what is in the children’s best interests.

◼ Children are less inclined to feel that they must “take sides” and, hence, have to choose between parents.

◼ Mediation usually provides improved opportunities for communication, thereby making it possible to hear more fully the concerns and needs of both children and parents.

◼ Reaching a mutual agreement prevents much of the resentment that can come when the court imposes an arbitrary decision with which both parents must live.

◼ There are much lower legal expenses.

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Children Do Benefit!

As the following two experiences show, children really benefit when their divorced parents rise above their own differences and consider the best interests of their children.

“I always had a good time when I saw my dad,” said one young woman in her early 20’s. “It wasn’t what we did so much, as just getting out to see him. . . . The weekends when he came I looked forward to, because I knew that whatever was going wrong at school we could talk about, and he would help me. This was much easier than with mom, although, of course, I love my mom very much. Some things were easier to talk about with mom​—I guess you can imagine what—​but there were other things I wanted to talk to him about. Like my mom’s second husband, for instance. We just don’t get on. Dad gave me some good advice about how to be tactful, and I needed that. . . . I owe him a lot, because thanks to him I always had two parents, even if they were divorced.”

A young man named Donald explained: “I think that being able to see my dad just once a week built up my craving to be with him. So whenever I did see him, I was careful to listen and pay attention. I always wanted to imitate my father. I noticed that he loved Jehovah God, and I always wanted to do what he did. Yet, I benefited from the good qualities of my mom. She’s extremely friendly, and she’ll go out of her way to be sociable, to converse with people. She’s outgoing and open. This helped me to get over my shyness.”

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One child said: “You have one parent at home that you really love, and you love the other one too”