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4 Set Clear BoundariesAwake!—2012 | November
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4 Set Clear Boundaries
“Raising children alone is not easy—especially when they reach the teenage years and feel the world’s pressure to rebel against their parents.”—DULCE, SOUTH AFRICA.
The challenge.
The Bible foretold that in “the last days,” children in general would be “disobedient to parents.”—2 Timothy 3:1, 2.
Suggestions.
Recognize that “children need structure and schedules to thrive.” (The Single Parent Resource, by Brook Noel) Child and family psychologist Barry G. Ginsberg states: “Relationships are better and less stressful when boundaries are clear.” He added: “The more explicit our boundaries, and the more clearly they are expressed, the easier relationships become.” How can you set clear boundaries?
Be firm, and be true to your word. (Matthew 5:37) An Australian study revealed that children often misbehave when parents are unable to say no and when they constantly give in to their children. As the Bible says: “A boy [or girl] let on the loose will be causing his mother shame.”—Proverbs 29:15.
Do not let feelings of guilt over your situation as a single parent cause you to be a permissive parent. “At times, my first reaction is to feel sorry for my two sons because they are being raised in a home without both parents,” says Yasmin, quoted earlier. But as we shall see, she did not let her feelings, which were by no means bad, override her good judgment.
Be consistent. “Predictability and consistency in the application of discipline may be important for the prevention of behavioral and emotional difficulties in children,” says the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. Yasmin states: “I sat down with my boys, and we discussed discipline. When they do wrong, I try to be consistent. That said, I have learned to listen first and then explain in a calm manner how their action has affected the family. Only then do I carry out the previously determined discipline.”
Be reasonable; do not discipline in anger. While you need to be firm for what is right, you also need to be flexible when the situation warrants it. “The wisdom from above”—that is, from God—is “reasonable,” says James 3:17. Reasonable people do not act rashly or in the heat of anger. Nor do they always go coldly ‘by the book.’ Instead, they think first, perhaps even praying about a matter, and then they are able to act more calmly and appropriately.
Consistency, firmness, and reasonableness—along with your good example—will enable you to set boundaries that will make your home a true refuge for your children.
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5 Establish Good Moral ValuesAwake!—2012 | November
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5 Establish Good Moral Values
“Earlier in my life, I did not live by Bible standards and found it difficult to train my children. But now it is much easier because I have the Bible to help me.”—ELIZABETH, SOUTH AFRICA.
The challenge.
Peer pressure at school and the waning morality in the world exert a powerful influence on families. To resist this negative influence, children need wholesome values. Otherwise, it is unlikely that they will become responsible, principled, well-mannered adults.
Suggestions.
Many single parents, including those quoted in this series of articles, look to the Bible for guidance, recognizing that it contains the unsurpassed wisdom of God. Consider, for example, what the Bible says about the most important principle of all—showing genuine love.
“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, . . . hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”—1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
When parents display that kind of love, their children thrive. Colette, mentioned earlier, who lives in France, wrote: “I often told my children that I loved them. I also told them that they are gifts from God and that as such they needed good care. They, in turn, had to be polite and respectful toward me and their [noncustodial] father. These principles helped to establish a climate of trust and respect in our home.”—Psalm 127:3.
Anna, who lives in Poland, wrote: “When my children have disagreements, I remind them of Jesus’ words that what we want others to do to us, we should do to them.”(Matthew 7:12) Roberto, mentioned earlier, faces an issue common to many single parents. He comments: “The children are confronted with two sets of values—yours and those of the other parent. In upholding Bible values, I know I won’t be the favorite parent that day or week.” Moreover, he says: “The other parent may give gifts to the children in hopes that they develop a preference for that one. Such pressures are hard to resist, but good communication with the children helps.”
It is not always easy to live by Bible standards, but the results are well worth the effort! Says Sarah, a single parent in South Africa: “I am glad that my children have been raised with Jehovah’s guidance. Yes, we’ve had our challenges, but God has always been there for us.”
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