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Why Do I Feel This Way?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Section 4
Why Do I Feel This Way?
Lonely, depressed, sullen, discouraged—is this the way you feel most of the time? Of course not! Like most youths you probably feel rather good about yourself. Nevertheless, from time to time even the best of us get a dose of negative emotions. Read on and find out how you can better understand yourself and deal with such feelings.
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Why Don’t I Like Myself?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Chapter 12
Why Don’t I Like Myself?
“I DON’T feel very special at all,” lamented Louise. Do you, too, occasionally feel bad about yourself?
Really, everyone needs a certain amount of self-esteem. It has been called “the ingredient that gives dignity to human existence.” Further, the Bible says: “You must love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 19:19) And if you feel bad about yourself, you will probably feel bad about others too.
‘I Can’t Do Anything Right!’
Why might you have these negative feelings about yourself? For one thing, your limitations may frustrate you. You are growing up, and often there is a period of awkwardness in which dropping things or bumping into them is a daily embarrassment. Then, too, you simply don’t have an adult’s experience in bouncing back from disappointments. And because your “perceptive powers” haven’t been sufficiently trained “through use,” you may not always make the wisest decisions. (Hebrews 5:14) At times you may feel that you can’t do anything right!
Failure to meet one’s parents’ expectations can be another cause of low self-esteem. “If I make an ‘A minus’ in school,” one youth says, “my folks want to know why it wasn’t an ‘A’ and tell me I’m a failure.” Of course, it’s instinctive for parents to urge their children to do their very best. And when you fall short of reasonable expectations, you can be sure that you will hear about it. The Bible’s counsel is: “Listen, my son [or daughter], to the discipline of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother.” (Proverbs 1:8, 9) Instead of feeling discouraged, take criticism in stride and learn from it.
What, though, if one’s folks make unfair comparisons? (“Why can’t you be like your older brother, Paul? He was always an honor student.”) Such comparisons, hurtful though they may seem at the time, often make a valid point. Your folks just want the best for you. And if you feel they’re being too hard on you, why not discuss matters with them calmly?
Building Self-Respect
How can you bolster sagging self-esteem? First, take an honest look at your assets and liabilities. You will discover that many of your so-called liabilities are quite petty. What about serious flaws, such as a quick temper or selfishness? Conscientiously work on these problems and your self-respect is sure to grow.
Furthermore, do not blind yourself to the fact that you already have assets! You may not think that being able to cook or to fix a flat tire is that important. But a hungry person or a stranded motorist will admire you for having such skills! Think, too, of your virtues. Are you studious? Patient? Compassionate? Generous? Kind? These qualities far outweigh minor flaws.
It may also help to consider this brief checklist:
Set realistic goals: If you always shoot for the stars, you can suffer bitter disappointment. Set goals that are attainable. How about learning a skill such as typing? Learn to play a musical instrument or to speak another language. Improve or branch out in your reading. Self-respect is a useful by-product of accomplishment.
Do good work: If you do shoddy work, you’re not going to feel good about yourself. God took pleasure in his creative works and declared the creative epochs to be “good” at their completion. (Genesis 1:3-31) You, too, can take pleasure in whatever work you do at home or in school by doing it skillfully and conscientiously.—See Proverbs 22:29.
Do things for others: Self-respect is not gained by sitting back and letting others wait on you hand and foot. Jesus said that “whoever wants to become great . . . must be [a] minister,” or servant, for others.—Mark 10:43-45.
For example, 17-year-old Kim budgeted 60 hours each month of summer vacation to help others learn Bible truths. She says: “It has brought me closer to Jehovah. It has also helped me to develop a real love for people.” It is not likely that this happy young woman will be lacking in self-respect!
Pick your friends carefully: “My relationship with myself is a very unhappy one,” said 17-year-old Barbara. “When I am with people who have confidence in me, I do good work. With those who treat me as an accessory to a machine, I become stupid.”
People who are high-minded or insulting can indeed make you feel bad about yourself. So pick friends who are truly interested in your welfare, friends who build you up.—Proverbs 13:20.
Make God your closest friend: “Jehovah is my crag and my stronghold,” declared the psalmist David. (Psalm 18:2) His confidence was not in his own abilities but in his close friendship with Jehovah. Thus, when adversity later struck him, he could withstand severe criticism without losing his composure. (2 Samuel 16:7, 10) You, too, can “draw close to God” and thus “boast,” not in yourself, but in Jehovah!—James 2:21-23; 4:8; 1 Corinthians 1:31.
Dead Ends
One writer said: “Sometimes the adolescent with a weak identity and low self-esteem tries to develop a false front or facade with which to face the world.” The roles some assume are familiar: The “tough guy,” the promiscuous socialite, the outrageously clad punk rocker. But beneath the facades, such youths still grapple with feelings of inferiority.—Proverbs 14:13.
Consider, for example, those who indulge in promiscuity “to banish feelings of depression, to increase self-esteem [by feeling wanted], to achieve intimacy and, with pregnancy, to gain the love and unquestioning acceptance of another human being—a baby.” (Coping With Teenage Depression) One disenchanted young woman wrote: “I tried to substitute sexual intimacy as a comfort, rather than trying to build a solid relationship with my Creator. All I built was emptiness, loneliness and more depression.” Beware, then, of such dead ends.
A Word of Caution
Interestingly, the Scriptures frequently warn against thinking too highly of oneself! Why is this? Apparently because most of us, in our efforts to gain self-confidence, tend to overshoot the mark. Many become egotistical and grossly exaggerate their skills and abilities. Some elevate themselves by putting others down.
Back in the first century, intense rivalry between Jews and Gentiles (non-Jews) afflicted a Christian congregation in Rome. So the apostle Paul reminded the Gentiles that only by means of God’s “kindness” had they been “grafted” into a position of God’s favor. (Romans 11:17-36) Self-righteous Jews, too, had to confront their imperfections. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” said Paul.—Romans 3:23.
Paul did not strip them of self-esteem but said: “For through the undeserved kindness given to me I tell everyone . . . not to think more of himself than it is necessary to think.” (Romans 12:3) So while it is “necessary” to have a measure of self-respect, one should not go to extremes in this regard.
As Dr. Allan Fromme observes: “A person who has an adequate conception of himself is not sad, but he does not have to be deliriously happy. . . . He is not pessimistic, but his optimism is not unbridled. He is neither foolhardy nor free of specific fears . . . He realizes that he is not the outstanding success of all time, nor is he a perennial [continual] failure.”
So be modest. “God opposes the haughty ones, but he gives undeserved kindness to the humble ones.” (James 4:6) Acknowledge your assets, but don’t ignore your faults. Rather, work on them. You’ll still doubt yourself from time to time. But you need not ever doubt your self-worth or that God cares for you. For “if anyone loves God, this one is known by him.”—1 Corinthians 8:3.
Questions for Discussion
◻ Why do some youths have negative feelings about themselves? Can you relate to the way such youths feel?
◻ How might you handle the demands of your parents?
◻ What are some ways to build self-respect?
◻ What are some dead ends to building self-esteem?
◻ Why must you be careful not to think too highly of yourself?
[Blurb on page 98]
Self-esteem has been called “the ingredient that gives dignity to human existence”
[Picture on page 99]
Do you feel dejected, inferior? There is a solution
[Picture on page 101]
Becoming a boaster or a braggart is no solution to having low self-esteem
[Picture on page 102]
Do you sometimes feel you can’t do anything right?
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Why Do I Get So Depressed?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Chapter 13
Why Do I Get So Depressed?
Melanie had always lived up to her mother’s ideal of the perfect child—until she turned 17. Then she withdrew from school activities, stopped accepting invitations to parties, and didn’t even seem to care when her grades dropped from A’s to C’s. When her parents gently inquired what was wrong, she stormed away saying, “Leave me alone! There’s nothing wrong.”
Mark, at 14, was impulsive and hostile, with an explosive temper. At school he was fidgety and disruptive. When frustrated or angry, he would race across the desert on a motorcycle or shoot down steep hills on his skateboard.
MELANIE and Mark both suffered forms of the same malady—depression. Dr. Donald McKnew of the National Institute of Mental Health says that 10 to 15 percent of schoolchildren may suffer mood disorders. A smaller number suffer from severe depression.
At times there is a biologic basis for the problem. Some infections or endocrine-system diseases, the hormonal shifts of the menstrual cycle, hypoglycemia, certain medications, exposure to toxic metals or chemicals, allergic reactions, an unbalanced diet, anemia—all of these can trigger depression.
Pressures at the Root of Depression
However, the teen years themselves are often the source of emotional stress. Not having an adult’s experience in handling life’s ups and downs, a youth can feel that no one cares and could become painfully depressed over relatively commonplace matters.
Failing to measure up to the expectations of parents, teachers, or friends is another cause of melancholy. Donald, for example, felt that he had to excel in school to please his well-educated parents. Failing to do that, he became depressed and suicidal. “I have never done anything right. I have always let everybody down,” lamented Donald.
That a sense of failure can kindle depression is evident from the case of a man named Epaphroditus. During the first century, this faithful Christian was sent on a special mission to assist the imprisoned apostle Paul. But when he reached Paul he soon fell sick—and Paul, instead, had to care for him! You can imagine, then, why Epaphroditus might have felt like such a failure and became “depressed.” Apparently he overlooked all the good he had performed before he got sick.—Philippians 2:25-30.
A Sense of Loss
Francine Klagsbrun wrote in her book Too Young to Die—Youth and Suicide: “At the root of many emotionally caused depressions lies a profound sense of loss, of someone or something that has been deeply loved.” Thus the loss of a parent through death or divorce, the loss of a job or career, or even the loss of one’s physical health could also be at the root of depression.
A most devastating loss to a young person, though, is the loss of love, the feeling of being unwanted and uncared for. “When my mother left us I felt betrayed and alone,” revealed a young woman named Marie. “My world suddenly seemed upside down.”
Imagine, then, the bewilderment and pain some youths feel when faced with family problems such as divorce, alcoholism, incest, wife beating, child abuse, or simple rejection by a parent who is swallowed up in his or her own problems. How true the Bible proverb: “Have you shown yourself discouraged in the day of distress? Your power [including the ability to resist depression] will be scanty”! (Proverbs 24:10) A youth may even mistakenly blame himself for his family’s problems.
Recognizing the Symptoms
There are different degrees of depression. A young person might temporarily be demoralized by some upsetting event. But usually such blues fade in a relatively short time.
However, if the depressed mood lingers and the youth has a general negative feeling along with feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and anger, this can develop into what doctors call low-grade chronic depression. As the experiences of Mark and Melanie (mentioned at the outset) show, the symptoms can vary considerably. One young person may have anxiety attacks. Another may be tired all the time, have no appetite, experience trouble in sleeping, lose weight, or suffer a series of accidents.
Some young persons try to hide depression by embarking upon a pleasure binge: an endless round of parties, sexual promiscuity, vandalism, heavy drinking, and the like. “I don’t really know why I have to be going out all the time,” confessed one 14-year-old boy. “I just know if I’m by myself, alone, I realize how bad I feel.” It is just as the Bible described: “Even in laughter the heart may be in pain.”—Proverbs 14:13.
When It’s More Than Just the Blues
If low-grade chronic depression is not dealt with, it can progress to a more serious disorder—major depression. (See page 107.) “I constantly felt as if I were ‘dead’ inside,” explained Marie, a victim of major depression. “I was just existing without any emotions. I had a feeling of constant dread.” In major depression the gloomy mood is unrelenting and may continue for months. Consequently, this type of depression is the most common ingredient in teen suicides—now considered a “hidden epidemic” in many countries.
The most persistent emotion connected with major depression—and the deadliest—is a deep sense of hopelessness. Professor John E. Mack writes of a 14-year-old named Vivienne, who was a victim of major depression. To all outward appearances she was a perfect young lady with caring parents. Yet, in the depths of despair, she hanged herself! Wrote Professor Mack: “Vivienne’s inability to foresee that her depression would ever lift, that she had any hope of ultimately obtaining relief from her pain, is an important element in her decision to kill herself.”
Those affected with major depression thus feel as if they will never get better, that there is no tomorrow. Such hopelessness, according to experts, often leads to suicidal behavior.
Suicide, however, is not the answer. Marie, whose life had become a living nightmare, confessed: “The thoughts of suicide definitely came into my mind. But I realized that as long as I didn’t kill myself there was always hope.” Ending it all indeed solves nothing. Unfortunately, when confronted with despair, many young persons cannot even visualize alternatives or the possibility of a favorable outcome. Marie thus tried to hide her problem by injecting herself with heroin. She said: “I had plenty of self-confidence—until the drug wore off.”
Dealing With Minor Distress
There are sensible ways of dealing with feelings of depression. “Some people get depressed because they’re hungry,” observed Dr. Nathan S. Kline, a New York specialist on depression. “A person may not eat breakfast and for some reason miss lunch. Then by three o’clock he begins wondering why he doesn’t feel right.”
What you eat can also make a difference. Debbie, a young woman plagued with feelings of despair, admitted: “I didn’t realize that junk food was so detrimental to my mood. I ate a lot of it. Now I notice that when I eat fewer sweets, I feel better.” Other helpful steps: Some form of exercise may lift your spirits. In some cases, a medical checkup would be in order, since depression can be a symptom of physical illness.
Winning the Battle of the Mind
Often depression is brought on or made worse by having negative thoughts about yourself. “When you’ve been through a lot of people cutting at you,” lamented 18-year-old Evelyn, “it makes you think you’re not worth anything.”
Consider: Is it up to others to measure your worth as a person? Similar ridicule was heaped upon the Christian apostle Paul. Some said that he was a weakling and a poor speaker. Did this make Paul feel worthless? Not at all! Paul knew that meeting God’s standard was the important thing. He could boast over what he had accomplished with God’s help—regardless of what others were saying. If you, too, remind yourself of the fact that you have a standing with God, the gloomy mood will often leave.—2 Corinthians 10:7, 10, 17, 18.
What if you are depressed because of some weakness or sin you have committed? “Though the sins of you people should prove to be as scarlet,” God told Israel, “they will be made white just like snow.” (Isaiah 1:18) Never overlook the compassion and patience of our heavenly Father. (Psalm 103:8-14) But are you also striving hard to overcome your problem? You must do your part if you are to ease your mind of feelings of guilt. As the proverb says: “He that is confessing and leaving [his transgressions] will be shown mercy.”—Proverbs 28:13.
Another way to fight the blues is to set realistic goals for yourself. You don’t have to be top in your school class to be successful. (Ecclesiastes 7:16-18) Accept the fact that disappointments are a part of life. When these occur, rather than feel, ‘No one cares what happens to me and no one ever will,’ tell yourself, ‘I’ll get over it.’ And there’s nothing wrong with having a good cry.
The Value of Accomplishment
“Despair doesn’t go away on its own,” advises Daphne, who successfully lived through bouts of discouragement. “You have to think on a different line or physically get involved. You have to start doing something.” Consider Linda, who said when working hard to fight a sullen mood: “I’m on a sewing spree. I can work on my wardrobe and, in time, I forget about what’s troubling me. It really helps.” Doing things that you are good at can build your self-esteem—which is usually at rock bottom during depression.
Also beneficial is engaging in activities that bring you pleasure. Try shopping for some personal treat, playing games, cooking your favorite recipe, browsing through a bookstore, dining out, reading, even working at a puzzle, such as those that appear in Awake! magazine.
Debbie found that by planning short trips or setting little goals for herself, she could cope with her depressed mood. However, doing things to aid others proved to be one of her biggest helps. “I met this young woman who was very depressed, and I began to help her to study the Bible,” revealed Debbie. “These weekly discussions gave me opportunity to tell her how she could overcome her depression. The Bible gave her real hope. This helped me at the same time.” Just as Jesus said: “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.”—Acts 20:35.
Talk to Someone About It
“Anxious care in the heart of a man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice.” (Proverbs 12:25) A “good word” from an understanding person can make all the difference in the world. No human can read your heart, so pour it out to someone you trust who has the ability to help. “A friend is loving at all times, and becomes a brother in times of trouble,” according to Proverbs 17:17. (The Bible in Basic English) “When you keep it to yourself it is like carrying a heavy load all alone,” said 22-year-old Evan. “But when you share it with someone who is qualified to help, it becomes much lighter.”
‘But I’ve already tried that,’ you may say, ‘and all I get is a lecture to look on the bright side of life.’ Where, then, can you find someone who will be not only an understanding listener but also an objective counselor?—Proverbs 27:5, 6.
Finding Help
Begin by ‘giving your heart to’ your parents. (Proverbs 23:26) They know you better than anyone else does, and they can often help if you let them. If they discern the problem is severe, they might even arrange for you to receive professional help.a
Members of the Christian congregation are another source of help. “Over the years I had put up such a pretext that no one really knew how depressed I was,” revealed Marie. “But then I confided in one of the older women in the congregation. She was so understanding! She had gone through some of the same experiences I had. So I was encouraged to realize that other people have gone through things like this and have come out just fine.”
No, Marie’s depression did not clear up immediately. But gradually she began to cope with her emotions as she deepened her relationship with God. Among Jehovah’s true worshipers you too can find friends and “family” who are genuinely interested in your welfare.—Mark 10:29, 30; John 13:34, 35.
Power Beyond What Is Normal
The most powerful aid in dispelling gloom, however, is what the apostle Paul called “the power beyond what is normal,” which comes from God. (2 Corinthians 4:7) He can help you fight off depression if you lean on him. (Psalm 55:22) With his holy spirit he gives power beyond your normal resources.
This friendship with God is truly reassuring. “When I have sad times,” said a young woman named Georgia, “I pray a lot. I know that Jehovah is going to provide a way out no matter how deep a problem I have.” Daphne agrees, adding: “You can tell Jehovah everything. You just pour out your heart and you know, even if no human can, he really understands you and cares about you.”
So if you are depressed, pray to God, and seek out someone wise and understanding to whom you can bare your feelings. In the Christian congregation you will find “older men” who are skillful counselors. (James 5:14, 15) They stand ready to help you maintain your friendship with God. For God understands and invites you to throw your anxieties upon him “because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6, 7) Indeed, the Bible promises: “The peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.”—Philippians 4:7.
[Footnotes]
a Most medical experts advise that victims of major depression should receive professional help because of the danger of suicide. For example, there may be a need for medication that can only be dispensed by a medical professional.
Questions for Discussion
◻ What are some things that can cause a youth to become depressed? Have you ever felt that way?
◻ Can you identify the symptoms of low-grade chronic depression?
◻ Do you know how to recognize major depression? Why is this such a serious malady?
◻ Name some ways of battling the blues. Have any of these suggestions worked for you?
◻ Why is it so important to talk matters out when you are seriously depressed?
[Blurb on page 106]
Severe depression is the most common factor in teen suicides
[Blurb on page 112]
A personal friendship with God can help you to deal with major depression
[Box on page 107]
Could It Be Major Depression?
Anyone may suffer temporarily from one or more of the following symptoms without having a serious problem. However, if several symptoms persist, or if any is severe enough that it interferes with your normal activities, you may have (1) a physical illness and need a thorough examination by a doctor or (2) a serious mental disorder—major depression.
Nothing Gives You Pleasure. You can’t find pleasure in activities you once enjoyed. You feel unreal, as if in a fog and just going through the motions of living.
Total Worthlessness. You feel that your life has nothing important to contribute and is totally useless. You may feel full of guilt.
Drastic Change of Mood. If you were once outgoing, you may become withdrawn or vice versa. You may often cry.
Total Hopelessness. You feel that things are bad, there’s nothing you can do about them, and conditions will never get better.
Wish You Were Dead. The anguish is so great that you frequently feel that you would be better off dead.
Cannot Concentrate. You go over and over certain thoughts or you read without comprehension.
Change in Eating or Bowel Habits. Loss of appetite or overeating. Intermittent constipation or diarrhea.
Sleeping Habits Change. Poor or excessive sleep. You may frequently have nightmares.
Aches and Pains. Headaches, cramps, and pains in the abdomen and chest. You may constantly feel tired for no good reason.
[Picture on page 108]
Failure to live up to one’s parents’ expectations can cause a youth to feel depressed
[Picture on page 109]
Talking to others and pouring out your heart is one of the best ways to cope
[Picture on page 110]
Doing things for others is yet another way to beat the blues
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How Can I Make My Loneliness Go Away?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Chapter 14
How Can I Make My Loneliness Go Away?
It is Saturday night. The boy sits alone in his room.
“I hate weekends!” he shouts. But there is no one in the room to answer. He picks up a magazine and sees a picture of a group of young people at the beach. He hurls the magazine against the wall. Tears well up. He clamps his teeth on his underlip, but the tears keep pushing. Unable to fight it any longer, he falls on his bed, sobbing, “Why am I always left out?”
DO YOU sometimes feel like that—cut off from the world, lonely, useless, and empty? If so, do not despair. For while feeling lonely is no fun, it is not some fatal disease. Simply put, loneliness is a warning signal. Hunger warns you that you need food. Loneliness warns you that you need companionship, closeness, intimacy. We need food to function well. Likewise, we need companionship to feel well.
Have you ever watched a bed of glowing coals? When you take one coal away from the heap, the glow of that single coal dies away. But after you put the coal back into the heap, it glows again! In isolation, we humans similarly do not “glow,” or function well, for long. The need for companionship is built into our makeup.
Alone But Not Lonely
Essayist Henry David Thoreau wrote: “I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” Do you agree? “Yes,” says Bill, age 20. “I like nature. Sometimes I get in my little boat and go out on a lake. I sit there for hours all alone. It gives me time to reflect on what I’m doing with my life. It’s really great.” Twenty-one-year-old Steven agrees. “I live in a big apartment building,” he says, “and sometimes I go to the roof of the building just to be alone. I get some thinking done and pray. It’s refreshing.”
Yes, if used well, moments of solitude can give us deep satisfaction. Jesus too enjoyed such moments: “Early in the morning, while it was still dark, [Jesus] rose up and went outside and left for a lonely place, and there he began praying.” (Mark 1:35) Remember, Jehovah did not say, ‘It is not good for man to be momentarily by himself.’ Rather, God said that it was not good for man “to continue by himself.” (Genesis 2:18-23) It is prolonged periods of isolation, then, that may lead to loneliness. The Bible warns: “One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.”—Proverbs 18:1.
Temporary Loneliness
Sometimes loneliness is imposed on us by circumstances beyond our control, like being away from close friends as a result of moving to a new location. Recalls Steven: “Back home James and I were friends, closer than brothers. When I moved away, I knew I was going to miss him.” Steven pauses, as if reliving the moment of departure. “When I had to board the plane, I got choked up. We hugged, and I left. I felt that something precious was gone.”
How did Steven make out in his new environment? “It was rough,” he says. “Back home my friends liked me, but here some of the folks I worked with made me feel as if I were no good. I remember looking at the clock and counting back four hours (that was the time difference) and thinking what James and I could be doing right now. I felt lonely.”
When things are not going well, we often dwell on better times that we had in the past. However, the Bible says: “Do not say: ‘Why has it happened that the former days proved to be better than these?’” (Ecclesiastes 7:10) Why this advice?
For one thing, circumstances can change for the better. That is why researchers often speak of “temporary loneliness.” Steven could thus overcome his loneliness. How? “Talking about my feelings with someone who cares helped. You cannot live on in the past. I forced myself to meet other people, show interest in them. It worked; I found new friends.” And what about James? ‘I was wrong. Moving away did not end our friendship. The other day I phoned him. We talked and talked for one hour and 15 minutes.’
Chronic Loneliness
Sometimes, though, the gnawing pain of loneliness persists, and there seems to be no way out. Ronny, a high school student, relates: “I’ve been going to school in this district for eight years, but in all that time I’ve never managed to make one single friend! . . . Nobody knows what I feel and nobody cares. Sometimes I think I just can’t stand it anymore!”
Like Ronny, many teenagers experience what is often called chronic loneliness. This is more serious than temporary loneliness. In fact, say researchers, the two are “as different as the common cold and pneumonia.” But just as pneumonia can be cured, chronic loneliness can be beaten too. The first step is trying to understand its cause. (Proverbs 1:5) And 16-year-old Rhonda pinpoints the most common cause of chronic loneliness, saying: “I think the reason why I feel very lonely is because—well you can’t have friends if you feel badly about yourself. And I guess I don’t like myself very much.”—Lonely in America.
Rhonda’s loneliness comes from within. Her low self-esteem forms a barrier that keeps her from opening up and making friends. Says one researcher: “Thoughts such as ‘I’m unattractive,’ ‘I’m uninteresting,’ ‘I’m worthless,’ are common themes among the chronically lonely.” The key to overcoming your loneliness may thus lie in building your self-respect. (See Chapter 12.) As you develop what the Bible calls “the new personality,” characterized by kindness, lowliness of mind, and mildness, your self-respect is sure to grow!—Colossians 3:9-12.
Furthermore, as you learn to like yourself, others will be drawn to your appealing qualities. But just as you can only see the full colors of a flower after it unfolds, so others can fully appreciate your qualities only if you open up to them.
Breaking the Ice
‘The best advice for a lonely person,’ says a recent publication from the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health, is to ‘get involved with other people.’ This advice harmonizes with the Bible’s counsel to “widen out” and show “fellow feeling,” or empathy. (2 Corinthians 6:11-13; 1 Peter 3:8) It works. Caring for others not only gets your mind off your own loneliness but motivates others to take an interest in you.
Nineteen-year-old Natalie thus decided that she would do more than sit back and wait for people to say hi. ‘I have to be friendly too,’ she says. ‘Otherwise people will think I’m stuck-up.’ So start with a smile. The other person might smile back.
Next, strike up a conversation. Lillian, age 15, admits: “Going up to strangers for the first time was really scary. I was afraid that they wouldn’t accept me.” How does Lillian start conversations? She says: “I ask simple questions like, ‘Where are you from?’ ‘Do you know so and so?’ We both may know a person, and before long we’re talking.” Kind acts and a generous spirit will likewise help you to build precious friendships.—Proverbs 11:25.
Remember too that you can have a friend who will never let you down. Jesus Christ told his disciples: “I am not alone, because the Father is with me.” (John 16:32) Jehovah can become your closest friend too. Get to know his personality by reading the Bible and observing his creation. Strengthen your friendship with him by prayer. Ultimately, a friendship with Jehovah God is the best cure for loneliness.
If you still feel lonely from time to time, relax. That is perfectly normal. What, though, if extreme shyness is holding you back from making friends and being with others?
Questions for Discussion
◻ Is being alone necessarily a bad thing? Are there benefits from solitude?
◻ Why is most loneliness temporary? Have you found this to be true in your own case?
◻ What is chronic loneliness, and how can you battle it?
◻ What are some ways of ‘breaking the ice’ with others? What has worked for you?
[Blurb on page 119]
‘The best advice for a lonely person,’ says the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health, is to ‘get involved with other people’
[Pictures on page 116, 117]
Friends can keep in touch even across long distances
[Picture on page 118]
Periods of solitude can be enjoyable
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Why Am I So Shy?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Chapter 15
Why Am I So Shy?
“EVERYONE tells me how great-looking I am,” wrote a young woman to a newspaper column. Yet she went on to state: “I have a problem talking to people. If I look someone in the eyes while speaking, my face turns red and I get all choked up inside . . . At work I have heard several comments on how ‘stuck up’ I am because I don’t talk to anybody. . . . I’m not stuck up, I’m just shy.”
One survey showed that 80 percent of those questioned had been shy at some time in their life, and 40 percent currently considered themselves to be shy. Indeed, shyness has been common with mankind from earliest times. The Bible tells us that Moses shyly declined to act as God’s spokesman before the nation of Israel. (Exodus 3:11, 13; 4:1, 10, 13) It appears, too, that the Christian disciple Timothy was shy and diffident about speaking up and properly exercising his authority.—1 Timothy 4:12; 2 Timothy 1:6-8.
What Shyness Is
Shyness is feeling uneasy around people—strangers, those in authority, persons of the opposite sex, or even your peers. It is extreme self-consciousness that affects its victims in a variety of ways. Some get embarrassed; with eyes downcast and heart pounding, they find themselves unable to speak. Others lose their composure and begin to chatter continuously. Yet others find it hard to speak up and voice their opinions or preferences.
Actually, though, there are positive aspects to having a measure of shyness. It is akin to modesty and humility, and one of the things God looks for and commends is ‘being modest in walking with him.’ (Micah 6:8) There is further benefit in appearing discreet and unassuming, in not being overbearing and overly aggressive. A shy person is often valued as a good listener. But when shyness restricts and inhibits us from realizing our full potential and harmfully affects our relationships, work, and feelings, it is time to do something about it!
A good start is understanding the problem. (Proverbs 1:5) Shyness does not describe what you are; it describes your behavior, your reaction to situations, the pattern you have learned and reinforced through experiences with others. You think others are making negative judgments of you, that they don’t like you. You think others are better or more normal than you. You think things will go all wrong if you try to relate to other people. You expect things to turn out badly, and they often do—because you tense up and act in harmony with your beliefs.
How Shyness Affects Your Life
By withdrawing, not speaking up, or being so preoccupied with self that you don’t pay attention to others, you may leave the impression that you are stuck-up, unfriendly, bored, or even uncaring or ignorant. When your thoughts are on yourself, it is hard to concentrate on the discussion at hand. So you pay less attention to the information you are receiving. Then what you fear most happens—you appear foolish.
In essence, you have locked yourself behind the walls of the prison of shyness and have thrown away the key. You let opportunities pass you by. You accept items or situations you really don’t want—all because you are afraid to speak up and express your opinion. You lose out on the joys of meeting people and making new friends or of doing things that would enhance your life. But others lose out too. They never get to know the real you.
Overcoming Shyness
With time and effort, behavior can be changed. First of all, stop worrying about whether the other person is evaluating you. He is probably too busy thinking of himself and what he will say and do. And if that person childishly pokes fun at you, understand that he has the problem. “He who belittles his neighbor lacks sense.” (Proverbs 11:12, Revised Standard Version) Those who are worth having as friends will judge not by outward appearances but by the kind of person you are.
Also, try to think positively. No one is perfect; all of us have our strengths and our weaknesses. Remember, there are different ways of looking at things, different likes and dislikes. A difference of opinion does not mean a rejection of you as a person.
Learn also to judge others fairly. One formerly shy young man says: “I discovered two things about myself . . . First, I was too self-centered. I was thinking too much about myself, worrying about what people thought of what I said. Second, I was assigning bad motives to the other persons—not trusting them and thinking they were going to look down on me.”
The young man attended a meeting of Jehovah’s Witnesses. “I heard a talk there that really helped me,” he recalls. ‘The speaker pointed out that love is outgoing; that if you have love you think the best of people, not the worst. So I learned to quit assigning bad motives to people. I told myself: “They’re going to be understanding, they’re going to be kind, they’re going to be considerate.” I began to trust people. I realized that some might misjudge me, but I now felt that that was their problem.’
“I also learned the need to start showing love in an active way—to extend myself more to others,” he explained. “I tried it first on younger ones. Later I began visiting others in their homes. I learned to be sensitive to their needs, to think in terms of helping them.” Thus he learned the truthfulness of Jesus’ counsel at Luke 6:37, 38: “Stop judging, and you will by no means be judged; and stop condemning, and you will by no means be condemned. . . . Practice giving, and people will give to you. . . . For with the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you in return.”
Making a Start
So learn to be sociable—to say hello and start a conversation. It can be as simple as a comment on the weather. Remember: You have only 50 percent of the responsibility. The other half is up to the other person. If you blunder in speech, don’t feel condemned. If others laugh, learn to laugh with them. Saying “That didn’t come out right” will help you to relax and continue with the conversation.
Dress comfortably, but make sure that your clothes are clean and pressed. Feeling that you are looking your best will minimize apprehension in this regard and enable you to concentrate on the conversation at hand. Stand straight—yet be at ease. Look pleasant and smile. Maintain friendly eye contact and nod or verbally acknowledge what the other person says.
When facing a tough situation, such as a speech in front of others or a job interview, come as prepared as possible. Practice beforehand what you will say. Speech problems can also be overcome or minimized by practice. It will take time, just as it does to acquire any other set of new skills. But as you see the positive results, you will be further encouraged to succeed.
Not to be overlooked is the help that God can give. Saul, the first king of the ancient nation of Israel, was painfully shy at first. (1 Samuel, chapters 9 and 10) But when the time came for action, “the spirit of God became operative upon Saul,” and he led the people to victory!—1 Samuel, chapter 11.
Today Christian youths have the responsibility to help others learn about God and his promised new world of righteousness. (Matthew 24:14) Carrying this good news and representing the highest Authority in the universe is sure to inspire self-confidence and to help one get the focus off oneself. You can be sure, then, that if you faithfully serve God, he will bless you and help you overcome your shyness.
Questions for Discussion
◻ Just what is shyness, and how does a shy person behave in the presence of others? Is this true of you to some extent?
◻ Why does a shy person lose confidence when he is around others?
◻ How can shyness cause a person to suffer loss?
◻ What are some ways of overcoming shyness? Have any of these suggestions worked for you?
[Blurb on page 121]
The shy person misses out on friendships and opportunities
[Box on page 124]
You can overcome shyness by
Wanting to change and believing that change is really possible
Replacing negative thoughts with positive action
Setting realistic and meaningful goals for yourself
Knowing how to relax and cope with anxiety
Rehearsing a situation beforehand
Gaining confidence by progressively successful experiences
Remembering that differences of opinion exist and that others err too
Practicing to increase skills and learn new ones
Reaching out to show love and to help others
Dressing tastefully and acting with confidence
Relying on the help that God gives
Being involved with Christian meetings and in sharing your faith with others
[Pictures on page 123]
The shy person imagines that others think little of him
[Picture on page 125]
Learn to be sociable—to smile, greet others, and carry on a conversation
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Is It Normal to Grieve the Way I Do?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Chapter 16
Is It Normal to Grieve the Way I Do?
MITCHELL recalls the day his dad died: “I was in a state of shock. . . . ‘It can’t be true,’ I kept telling myself.”
Perhaps someone you love—a parent, a brother, a sister, or a friend—has died. And rather than feel only sorrow, you also feel anger, confusion, and fear. Try as you may, you can’t hold back tears. Or you keep the pain you feel bottled up inside.
Really, it is only natural to react emotionally when someone we love dies. Even Jesus Christ, when he learned of the death of a close friend, “gave way to tears” and “groaned” inside. (John 11:33-36; compare 2 Samuel 13:28-39.) Realizing that others have felt as you do may help you better to deal with your loss.
Denial
At first you may feel numb. Perhaps deep inside you hope that it’s all just a bad dream, that someone will come and wake you up and things will be just as they’ve always been. Cindy’s mother, for example, died of cancer. Explains Cindy: “I’ve not really accepted that she’s gone. Something will happen that I might have discussed with her in the past, and I find myself saying, ‘I’ll have to tell Mom that.’”
Bereaved persons tend to deny that the death has occurred. They may even think they suddenly see the deceased one on the street, in a passing bus, on the subway. Any fleeting resemblance can spark the hope that perhaps it has all been a mistake. Remember, God made man to live, not to die. (Genesis 1:28; 2:9) So it’s only normal that we have trouble accepting death.
“How Could She Do That to Me?”
Don’t be surprised if there are even moments when you feel a little angry with the person who died. Cindy recalls: “When Mom died, there were times when I thought, ‘You really didn’t let us know you were going to die. You just skipped out.’ I felt deserted.”
The death of a brother or a sister can likewise stir such feelings. “It’s almost ridiculous to feel anger at someone who’s died,” explains Karen, “but when my sister died, I couldn’t help it. Thoughts like, ‘How could she die and leave me all alone? How could she do that to me?’ kept going through my head.” Some find themselves angry at the sibling for all the pain that his or her death has caused. Some feel neglected, perhaps even resentful, because of all the time and attention that the sick brother or sister received before dying. Grief-stricken parents who, out of fear of losing another child, suddenly become overly protective can also stir animosity toward the deceased.
“If only . . . ”
Guilt is also a frequent reaction. Questions and doubts pour through the mind. ‘Is there anything more we could have done? Should we have consulted another doctor?’ And then there are the if onlys. ‘If only we had not quarreled so much.’ ‘If only I had been kinder.’ ‘If only I had gone to the store, instead.’
Mitchell says: “I wish I had been more patient and understanding with my father. Or done more things around the house to make it easier for him when he came home.” And Elisa observed: “When Mom got sick and died so suddenly, there were all of these unresolved feelings we’d had for each other. I feel so guilty now. I think of all the things I should have said to her, all the things I shouldn’t have said, all the things I did wrong.”
You may even blame yourself for what happened. Cindy recalls: “I felt guilty over every argument we ever had, over all the stress I caused Mom. I felt that all the stress I caused her could have contributed to her illness.”
“What Do I Tell My Friends?”
One widow observed regarding her son: “Jonny hated to tell other children that his father was dead. It embarrassed him and it also made him angry, just because he was embarrassed.”
The book Death and Grief in the Family explains: “‘What do I tell my friends?’ is a question of supreme importance to many siblings [surviving brothers or sisters]. Frequently, siblings feel that their friends do not understand what they are experiencing. Attempts to share the import of the loss may be met with blank stares and quizzical looks. . . . Consequently, the bereaved sibling may feel rejected, isolated, and, at times, even freakish.”
Realize, though, that others sometimes simply do not know what to say to a grieving friend—and so they say nothing. Your loss may also remind them that they, too, can lose a loved one. Not wanting to be reminded of that, they may shy away from you.
Facing Up to Your Grief
Knowing that your grief is normal is a big help in coming to grips with it. But it only prolongs grief to continue to deny reality. Sometimes a family will leave a vacant place at the meal table for the deceased, as if that one were about to come in for a meal. One family, though, chose to handle matters differently. Says the mother: “We never sat at the kitchen table in the same order anymore. My husband moved into David’s chair, and that helped to fill that void.”
It also helps to realize that while there may well be things you should or shouldn’t have said or done, usually those are not the reasons your loved one died. Besides, “We all stumble many times.”—James 3:2.
Sharing Your Feelings
Dr. Earl Grollman suggests: “It is not enough to recognize your conflicting emotions; you must deal with them openly. . . . This is a time to share your feelings.” It is not a time to isolate yourself.—Proverbs 18:1.
Dr. Grollman says that in denying grief, “you only prolong the agony and delay the grief process.” He suggests: “Find a good listener, a friend who will understand that your many feelings are normal reactions to your bitter grief.” A parent, a brother, a sister, a friend, or an elder in the Christian congregation can often prove to be a real support.
And what if you feel like weeping? Dr. Grollman adds: “For some, tears are the best therapy for emotional strain, for men as well as for women and children. Weeping is a natural way to ease anguish and release pain.”
Pulling Together as a Family
Your parents can also be a great help in time of loss—and you can be a help to them. For example, Jane and Sarah, from England, lost their 23-year-old brother Darrall. How did they survive their grief? Jane answers: “Because there were four of us, I went and did everything with Dad, whilst Sarah did everything with Mum. In this way we were not on our own.” Jane further recalls: “I had never seen Dad cry before. He cried a couple of times, and in a way, it was nice, and looking back, I feel good now that I could be there just to comfort him.”
A Hope That Sustains
Young David, from England, lost his 13-year-old sister Janet to Hodgkin’s disease. He says: “One of the things that benefited me greatly was one text quoted in the funeral talk. It states: ‘Because God has set a day in which he purposes to judge the inhabited earth in righteousness, and he has furnished a guarantee to all men in that he has resurrected him, Jesus, from the dead.’ The speaker stressed the expression ‘guarantee’ concerning the resurrection. That was a great source of strength to me after the funeral.”—Acts 17:31; see also Mark 5:35-42; 12:26, 27; John 5:28, 29; 1 Corinthians 15:3-8.
The Bible’s hope of the resurrection does not eliminate grief. You will never forget your loved one. However, many have found real comfort in the Bible’s promises and, as a result, have begun to recover gradually from the pain of losing someone they loved.
Questions for Discussion
◻ Do you feel it is natural to grieve for someone you love who has died?
◻ What emotions might a grieving person experience, and why?
◻ What are some ways a grieving youth can begin to come to grips with his or her feelings?
◻ How might you comfort a friend who has lost a loved one?
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