Young People Ask . . .

An Alcoholic Parent​—How Can I Cope?

“I hated coming home. I wasn’t sure if Mom would be there, and if she was, whether she’d be drunk and start spouting all over the place about what a no-​good son I was.”​—Robert.

“I was so embarrassed to bring people home . . . I was very ashamed of the family.”​—Patricia.

MILLIONS of youths endure the daily turmoil of living with an alcoholic parent. Says the book Teen Troubles: “Living with an alcoholic parent means living with stress​—stress that comes at you from a dozen directions.”

A high proportion of alcoholic parents abuse their children physically or sexually.a And even when the situation is not so extreme, the book Options notes, “if drinking makes [the alcoholic parent] unpredictable, irresponsible, reckless, or moody, it’s bad enough.”

No wonder, then, that you may feel angry, embarrassed, or frustrated at times. Nevertheless, while living with an alcoholic parent is tough, you can learn to cope.

Understanding the Problem

First of all, it helps to gain some insight into why your parent drinks in the first place.b “A man of understanding is the one who acquires skillful direction,” says Proverbs 1:5.

An alcoholic is not simply someone who gets drunk once in a while, nor is an alcoholic necessarily a drunkard. Experts define alcoholism as a chronic drinking disorder that causes grievous problems affecting life, work, and health. The alcoholic is preoccupied​—obsessed—​with alcohol and simply cannot control its consumption. Most experts agree that alcoholism can be controlled only by total abstinence from alcohol.c

While alcoholism may involve some physiological quirks that may make certain people more prone to alcohol addiction, emotional factors also appear to be involved. For example, chronic self-​loathing often lurks beneath an alcoholic’s exterior. (Compare Proverbs 14:13.) “In my experience,” says Dr. Abraham Twerski, “I have never come across an alcoholic who had a positive sense of self-​worth, feelings of adequacy and self-​confidence, prior to becoming involved with alcohol.” Indeed, many alcoholics grew up in alcoholic families. Drinking may serve to numb the pain of their childhood emotional scars.

However, drinking simply compounds an alcoholic’s problems. According to the book Under the Influence, his “actions, thoughts, and emotions are warped by alcohol.” The alcoholic thus has much more than a drinking problem; he also has a deep-​rooted thinking problem. He may need considerable help, perhaps from a trained professional, to quit drinking. Still, having some understanding of alcoholism, you can at least begin to view your parent with a measure of compassion.​—Proverbs 19:11.

How You Are Affected

When a parent is an alcoholic, each family member is affected. (Compare 1 Corinthians 12:26.) Your life may be fraught with uncertainty. Is your parent going to come home sober or drunk? Will you be hugged or hit? Yes, alcoholic parents often vacillate between extremes. “They can be loving and responsible when sober, irrationally violent and abusive when drunk,” notes Dr. James P. Comer. Such unpredictability can make your life an emotional seesaw. You love your alcoholic parent one moment, you resent him the next. “Some days I just wished he were dead,” confessed one young woman.

At times the effects of growing up in an alcoholic household do not become apparent for years. Children of alcoholics often become alcoholics themselves​—or marry one. A young Christian woman thus became emotionally involved with a man she describes as “a budding alcoholic.” Though she knew some very nice, stable Christian men, she was not interested in them. Why this attraction to an alcoholic? Speaking for others like her, she says: “These are the only men we’ve related to and can understand.”

A Christian elder was able to help her adjust her thinking in this regard, thus breaking the destructive cycle of alcoholism. Clearly, then, you are not doomed to unhappiness simply because you live in an alcoholic household. It is possible to minimize the potential harm and perhaps even to help your alcoholic parent.

How to Cope

Dr. Stanton E. Samenow notes: “The environment from which a person comes is less crucial than the choice the individual makes as he responds to that environment.” Yes, even if things at home seem out of control, you can take charge of your life. How?

Do not take responsibility for your parent’s drinking. “My parents told me it was my fault,” said 13-​year-​old Beth. They blamed their drinking on her unruly behavior. “I was very guilty about the whole thing,” she admitted. However, your parent​—and your parent alone—​is responsible for his alcoholism. “Each one will carry his own load,” says Galatians 6:5.

You therefore cannot cure your alcoholic parent. Ranting, raving, crying, and arguing with him accomplishes little. On the other hand, you are not obliged to shield him from the consequences of his drinking by lying for him or dragging him off the front porch when he has fallen into a drunken stupor there.

Encourage him to get help. Usually this requires the cooperation of your nonalcoholic parent and siblings.d Awake! of December 8, 1982, gave specific suggestions about how family members can (1) help the alcoholic face the consequences of his drinking and (2) confront him directly regarding his drinking. Handling matters in this way may help him see the need to get assistance.

Leave the scene of trouble. Says Proverbs 17:14: “Before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave.” Don’t put yourself at risk by getting in the middle of a parental quarrel. (Proverbs 26:17) If possible, retire to your room, or go to a friend’s house. When the threat of violence exists, outside help may be needed.

Acknowledge your feelings. Some youths feel guilty because they sometimes resent their father. But it is only normal to feel this way, especially if his drinking prevents him from rendering you the care and support you need. True, the Bible obligates you to honor your parent. (Ephesians 6:2, 3) But “honor” means to respect his parental authority the way you respect a police officer or judge. It does not mean that you approve of his drinking. (Romans 12:9) Nor are you a bad person because you are repulsed by his drinking; drunkenness is repulsive! (See Proverbs 23:29-35.) Perhaps, though, you can learn to focus your hatred on his alcoholism instead of on him personally.​—Compare Jude 23.

Find upbuilding association: When life at home is chaos, you can lose sight of what is normal. It is therefore important that you enjoy the association of spiritually and emotionally healthy people. The Christian congregation is a source of “brothers and sisters and mothers” who can provide much nurturing and support. (Mark 10:30) They can also provide you an occasional break from family stress. Association with Christian families can further provide you a healthy model of family life, one that can modify the distorted model you observe at home.

Get help. Having a mature, trusted adult with whom you can share your feelings really helps. Congregation elders often serve in this role. “No matter how bad you feel,” reminds Dr. Timmen Cermak, “remember that you do not have to suffer alone.”

No, you may not be able to change the situation at home. But as Dr. Claudia Black wrote: “Family members can change the way in which their lives are affected.” Rather than trying to control the alcoholic, focus on the one person you can control​—you. Take care of your spiritual needs. (Matthew 5:3; 24:14; Hebrews 10:24, 25) “Keep working out your own salvation,” states the Bible at Philippians 2:12. Doing so will help you maintain a positive outlook, and it might even prod your parent to seek help for his problem.

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Openly discuss your feelings with a trusted adult