-
The Opposite SexQuestions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
SECTION 1
The Opposite Sex
You see a boy and girl holding hands as they stroll down the school corridor between classes. How do you feel?
□ Don’t care
□ Slightly jealous
□ Completely envious
You’re at the movies with friends when you realize that everyone is paired off—except you! How do you feel?
□ No problem
□ Somewhat awkward
□ Very jealous
Your best friend has recently begun showing interest in a member of the opposite sex and is now dating. How do you feel?
□ Happy
□ Slightly envious
□ Resentful
Boy and girl, girl and boy. They’re everywhere you look—in school, on the street, at the mall. Each time you see them, you feel a powerful urge to be part of that unit called a couple. But are you ready to date? If you are, how can you find someone who’s right for you? If you do find someone, how can you keep the relationship clean while dating? Chapters 1-5 will help you answer those questions.
-
-
Am I Ready to Date?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
CHAPTER 1
Am I Ready to Date?
“There’s a ton of pressure all around me to date. There’s also a ton of cute guys.”—Whitney.
“Some girls come on strong, and I want to say yes. But if I ask my parents, I know what their answer will be.”—Phillip.
THE urge to be with someone special—and to be with someone who thinks you are special—can be incredibly strong, even at a very young age. “I started to feel the pressure to date when I was 11,” recalls Jenifer. Brittany says: “At school you feel like you’re only half a person if you’re not dating someone—anyone!”
What about you? Are you ready to date? To answer that, we first need to address a more basic question:
What Is “Dating”?
Mark your response to the following questions:
You regularly go out with a certain member of the opposite sex. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
You and a member of the opposite sex are attracted to each other. Several times a day, you text-message or talk to this person on the phone. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
Every time you get together with your friends, you pair off with the same person of the opposite sex. Are you dating?
□ Yes
□ No
You most likely had no problem answering the first question. But you may have paused before responding to the second and the third. What exactly is dating? Really, dating is any social activity in which your romantic interest is focused on one particular person and that person’s interest is focused on you. So the answer to all three questions listed above is yes. Whether on the phone or face-to-face, in the open or in secret, if you and a friend of the opposite sex have a special romantic understanding and communicate regularly, it’s dating. Are you ready to go down that road? A consideration of three questions will help you find out.
Why Do You Want to Date?
In many cultures dating is regarded as a legitimate way for two people to become better acquainted. But dating should have an honorable purpose—to help a young man and woman determine if they want to get married to each other.
Granted, some of your peers might take a casual view of dating. Perhaps they simply enjoy being with a special friend of the opposite sex, without any intention of marriage. Some might even view such a friend as little more than a trophy or an accessory to be seen with in public to boost their own self-esteem. Often, though, such shallow relationships are short-lived. “Many young ones who date break up with each other a week or two later,” says a girl named Heather. “They come to view relationships as transitory—which in a sense prepares them for divorce rather than for marriage.”
Clearly, when you date someone, you’re affecting that person’s feelings. So be sure your intentions are honorable. Think: Would you like someone to play with your feelings as if they were some child’s toy—to be picked up for a moment and then quickly abandoned? A youth named Chelsea says: “Part of me wants to say that dating should be just for fun, but it’s no fun when one person is taking it seriously and the other isn’t.”
You’re How Old?
At what age do you think it’s appropriate for a youth to start dating? ․․․․․
Now ask one or both of your parents the same question, and fill in their answer. ․․․․․
Chances are, the first number you wrote down is lower than the second. Or maybe not! You might be among the many youths who are wisely putting off dating until they’re old enough to know themselves better. That’s what Danielle, 17, decided to do. She says: “Thinking back to two years ago, what I would have looked for in a potential mate was so different from what I would look for now. Basically, even at this point I don’t trust myself to make such a decision. When I feel that my personality has been stable for a couple of years, then I’ll think about dating.”
There’s another reason why waiting is wise. The Bible uses the phrase “the bloom of youth” to describe the period of life when sexual feelings and romantic emotions first become strong. (1 Corinthians 7:36) To maintain close association with one particular member of the opposite sex while you’re still in this phase can fan the flames of desire and lead to wrong conduct. True, that might mean little to your peers. Many of them are all too eager to experiment with sex. But you can rise above that kind of thinking! (Romans 12:2) After all, the Bible urges you to “flee from sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 6:18, New International Version) By waiting until you’re past the bloom of youth, you can “ward off calamity.”—Ecclesiastes 11:10.
Are You Ready to Get Married?
To help you answer the above question, take a good look at yourself. Consider the following:
Relationships. How do you treat your parents and siblings? Do you often lose your self-control with them, perhaps using harsh or sarcastic language to make a point? What would they say about you in that regard? How you deal with family members indicates how you will treat a mate.—Read Ephesians 4:31.
Demeanor. Are you positive or pessimistic? Are you reasonable, or do you always insist on doing things a certain way—your way? Can you keep calm when under pressure? Are you patient? Cultivating the fruitage of God’s spirit now will help you prepare for being a husband or a wife later.—Read Galatians 5:22, 23.
Finances. How well do you handle money? Are you often in debt? Can you hold down a job? If not, why not? Is it because of the job? the employer? Or is it because of some habit or trait that you need to work on? If you have trouble handling your own finances, how will you manage those of a family?—Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
Spirituality. If you’re one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, what are your spiritual attributes? Do you take the initiative to read God’s Word, to engage in the ministry, and to participate at Christian meetings? The person you marry deserves nothing less than a spiritually strong partner.—Read Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.
What You Can Do
Being pressured to date before you’re ready would be like being forced to take a final exam for a course that you’ve barely started. Obviously, that wouldn’t be fair! You need time to study your subject so you can become familiar with the kind of problems you’ll face in the test.
It’s similar with dating. As we’ve seen, dating is no trivial matter. So before you’re ready to focus on one particular person, you need to take time to study a very important “subject”—how to build friendships. Later, when you meet the right person, you’ll be in a better position to build a solid relationship. After all, a good marriage is the union of two good friends.
Waiting to date won’t stifle your freedom. On the contrary, it will give you more freedom to ‘rejoice in your youth.’ (Ecclesiastes 11:9) And you’ll have time to prepare yourself by developing your personality and, most important, your spirituality.—Lamentations 3:27.
In the meantime, you can enjoy the company of the opposite sex. What’s the best way to do so? Associate together in properly supervised mixed groups. A girl named Tammy says: “I think it’s more fun that way. It’s better to have a lot of friends.” Monica agrees. “The group idea is a really good idea,” she says, “because you get to see people with different personalities.”
In contrast, if you focus on one person too soon, you set yourself up for heartache. So take your time. Use this period of your life to learn how to cultivate and maintain friendships. Later, if you choose to date, you’ll have a better idea of who you are and what you need in a lifelong partner.
READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTERS 29 AND 30
Tempted to date behind your parents’ backs? There are more pitfalls to the practice than you may realize.
KEY SCRIPTURE
“The shrewd one considers his steps.”—Proverbs 14:15.
TIP
To prepare for dating and marriage, read 2 Peter 1:5-7 and pick one quality you need to work on. In a month’s time, see how much you have learned about—and improved in—that quality.
DID YOU KNOW . . . ?
Numerous studies indicate that a couple who marry under the age of 20 are likely to divorce within five years.
ACTION PLAN!
To prepare for marriage, I need to work on the following qualities: ․․․․․
I can work on these qualities by ․․․․․
What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
● In what appropriate settings can you mix with members of the opposite sex?
● How would you reason with a sibling who is too young to date but wants to do so?
● If you date but have no intention of marriage, how might that affect the other person’s feelings?
[Blurb on page 18]
“I think you should date someone when that person really means something to you and you feel your future together has potential. You care about a person, not just the idea of dating.”—Amber
[Picture on page 16, 17]
If you date with no intention of marriage, you are acting like a child who plays with a new toy and then discards it
-
-
Secret Dating—What’s the Harm?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
CHAPTER 2
Secret Dating—What’s the Harm?
Jessica was caught in a dilemma. It all started when a classmate named Jeremy began showing interest in her. “He was very cute,” she says, “and my friends said he was the most decent boy I’d ever meet. Several girls had tried to start a relationship with him, but he wasn’t interested in them. He liked only me.”
Before long, Jeremy asked Jessica out. Jessica explained that as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, she wouldn’t be allowed to date someone who wasn’t of her faith. “But then Jeremy had an idea,” she says. “He asked, ‘Why can’t we just date behind your parents’ backs?’”
IF SOMEONE you were attracted to made such a suggestion, how would you respond? You might be surprised to learn that Jessica agreed to Jeremy’s plan. “I was convinced that if I dated him, I could make him learn to love Jehovah,” she says. How did things turn out? We’ll find out later. First, let’s see how some get caught in the snare of secret dating.
Why They Do It
Why do some date secretly? A young man named David puts it concisely, “They know their parents would not approve, so they don’t tell them.” Jane points out another possibility. “Secret dating is a rebellion thing,” she says. “If you feel that you’re not being treated like the young adult you think you are, you decide that you’re going to do what you want and just not tell your parents.”
Can you think of any other reasons why some might be tempted to date secretly? If so, list them below.
․․․․․
Of course, you realize that the Bible commands you to obey your parents. (Ephesians 6:1) And if your parents object to your dating, they must have a good reason. Still, don’t be surprised if you find yourself thinking:
● I feel left out because everyone is dating except me.
● I’m attracted to someone who doesn’t share my faith.
● I would like to go out with a fellow Christian, even though I’m too young to marry.
You probably know what your parents would say about the above statements. And deep down, you know that your parents are right. At the same time, you may feel like a girl named Manami, who says: “The pressure to date is so strong that I sometimes doubt my stand. For kids today it’s unthinkable not to be dating. Besides, it’s no fun being by myself!” Some in that situation have begun to date, hiding the matter from their parents. How?
“We Were Told to Keep It a Secret”
The very term “secret dating” suggests a measure of deception, and that’s just what it takes to make it work. Some keep their dating secret by communicating primarily over the phone or the Internet. In public, they’re just friends, but their e-mails, phone calls, and text messages tell a completely different story.
Another sly tactic is to arrange for a group activity, only to pair off later. James says: “Once, a group of us were invited to meet at a location, only to discover that the whole thing had been set up so that two in the group could be together. We were told to keep it a secret.”
Frequently, as James points out, secret dating is carried on with the cooperation of friends. “Often, at least one friend knows about the situation but chooses not to say anything because of a ‘don’t-tell’ mentality,” says Carol. At times, blatant dishonesty is involved. “Many keep their dating secret by lying to their parents about where they go,” says 17-year-old Beth. Misaki, 19, did just that. “I had to make up stories carefully,” she says. “I was cautious not to tell any lies other than those related to my dating so that I would not lose my parents’ trust.”
The Pitfalls of Secret Dating
If you’re tempted to date secretly—or if you’re already doing so—you need to ask yourself the following two questions:
Where will my course lead? Do you intend to marry the person reasonably soon? “Dating without the intention of marriage is like advertising something you’re not selling,” says 20-year-old Evan. What can result? Proverbs 13:12 says: “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” Do you really want to make someone you care about sick at heart? Another caution: Dating secretly will rob you of the loving interest of your parents and other concerned adults. Because of this, you’re more likely to fall into the trap of sexual immorality.—Galatians 6:7.
How does Jehovah God feel about what I’m doing? The Bible says: “All things are naked and openly exposed to the eyes of him with whom we have an accounting.” (Hebrews 4:13) So if you’re covering up your own dating—or that of a friend—Jehovah already knows about it. And if deception is involved, you have good reason to be concerned. Jehovah God feels strongly about lying. Indeed, “a false tongue” is listed prominently in the Bible among the things that he detests!—Proverbs 6:16-19.
Ending the Secrecy
Certainly, you would do well to talk to your parents or a mature Christian adult about any secret relationship that you may be involved in. And if a friend of yours is dating secretly, don’t share in his or her course by helping to cover it up. (1 Timothy 5:22) After all, how would you feel if the relationship had harmful consequences? Wouldn’t you be at least partly responsible?
To illustrate: Suppose a friend is diabetic and is secretly filling up on sweets. What if you found out about it, but your friend begged you not to tell anyone? What would be your greatest concern—covering up for your friend or taking action that could possibly save his or her life?
You face a similar situation if you know that an acquaintance is dating secretly. Don’t worry about permanently ruining your friendship. In time, a true friend will realize that you were acting in his or her best interests.—Psalm 141:5.
Secrecy or Privacy?
Of course, not all secrecy surrounding dating involves deception. For instance, suppose a young man and woman would like to become better acquainted, but for a time they do not wish to make that widely known. Perhaps, as a young man named Thomas says, “they don’t want to be teased with questions like, ‘So when are you getting married?’”
Undue pressure from others can indeed be harmful. (Song of Solomon 2:7) Therefore, at the initial stage of a relationship, some may well choose to be discreet. (Proverbs 10:19) “This gives two people time to decide if they’re serious about each other,” says 20-year-old Anna. “If they are, then they can go public.”
At the same time, it would be wrong to hide your relationship from those who have a right to know about it, such as your parents or the parents of the person you’re dating. Really, if you can’t be open about your dating, you should ask yourself why. Do you know in your heart that your parents would have valid reason to object?
“I Knew What I Had to Do”
Jessica, mentioned at the outset, changed her mind about secretly dating Jeremy when she heard the experience of another Christian who was in a similar situation. “After hearing how she broke off the relationship,” Jessica says, “I knew what I had to do.” Was breaking up easy? No! “This was the only boy I had ever really liked,” Jessica says. “I cried every day for several weeks.”
Yet, Jessica knew that she loved Jehovah. And although she had become sidetracked, she truly wanted to do what was right. In time, the pain of breaking up subsided. “Now,” Jessica says, “my relationship with Jehovah is better than ever. I’m so grateful that he gives us the direction we need at just the right time!”
You’re ready to date, and you’ve found someone you like. But how do you know if this person is right for you?
KEY SCRIPTURE
“We wish to conduct ourselves honestly in all things.”—Hebrews 13:18.
TIP
You don’t have to broadcast your relationship around the globe. But do tell those who have a right to know. Most often, that includes your parents and the parents of the person you’re dating.
DID YOU KNOW . . . ?
Lasting relationships are built on trust. Dating secretly betrays the trust of your parents and undermines the very foundation of your relationship with the one you’re dating.
ACTION PLAN!
If I am dating a fellow Christian secretly, I will ․․․․․
If a friend of mine is dating secretly, I will ․․․․․
What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
● Look back at the three situations highlighted in bold type on page 22. Which, if any, describes how you feel at times?
● How can you address the matter without dating secretly?
● If you knew that a friend was dating secretly, how would you deal with the situation, and why would you choose to do it that way?
[Blurb on page 27]
“I stopped dating secretly. Yes, going back to school and seeing that boy every day was hard. But Jehovah God can see the bigger picture, whereas we can’t. We just have to trust Jehovah.”—Jessica
[Picture on page 25]
Covering up for a friend who is secretly dating is like covering up for a diabetic who is secretly gorging on sweets
-
-
Is This Person Right for Me?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
CHAPTER 3
Is This Person Right for Me?
Take a moment to complete the following quiz:
What qualities would you currently view as essential in a potential marriage mate? In the list below, put a ✔ next to the four traits you feel are most important.
□ Good-looking □ Spiritually-minded
□ Friendly □ Trustworthy
□ Popular □ Morally upright
□ Funny □ Goal-oriented
When you were younger, did you ever develop a crush on anyone? In the list above, put an × next to the one trait you found most appealing about that person at the time.
THERE’S nothing wrong with any of the above traits. Each of them has its own appeal. Wouldn’t you agree, though, that when you’re in the grip of a youthful crush, you tend to dwell on the more superficial qualities, such as those in the left-hand column?
As you mature, however, you begin using your powers of perception to examine deeper issues, such as those in the right-hand column. For instance, you start to realize that the cutest girl in the neighborhood may not be all that trustworthy or that the most popular boy in class may not be morally upright. If you’re past the bloom of youth, you most likely look beyond the superficial traits to answer the question, “Is this person right for me?”
Know Yourself First
Before you can consider who might be right for you, you need to know yourself well. To learn more about yourself, answer the following questions:
What are my strengths? ․․․․․
What are my weaknesses or vulnerabilities? ․․․․․
What emotional and spiritual needs do I have? ․․․․․
Getting to know yourself is no small task, but questions like those above can get you started. The more you understand yourself, the better equipped you will be to find someone who will amplify your strengths rather than your weaknesses.a What if you think you’ve found that person?
Will Just Anyone Do?
“Can I get to know you better?” That question will make you either cringe or leap for joy—depending on who’s asking. Suppose you answer yes. Over the course of time, how can you tell if your boyfriend or girlfriend is right for you?
Suppose you want to buy a new pair of shoes. You go to the store and find a pair that catches your eye. You try on the shoes, only to find that—much to your disappointment—they’re too tight. What would you do? Buy the shoes anyway? Or look for a different pair? Clearly, the better choice is to put the shoes back and look for others. It would make little sense to walk around in a pair of shoes that just didn’t fit!
It’s similar with choosing a marriage partner. Over time, more than a few members of the opposite sex may catch your eye. But not just anyone will do. After all, you want someone you’ll be comfortable with—someone who truly fits your personality and your goals. (Genesis 2:18; Matthew 19:4-6) Have you found such a person? If so, how can you tell if that one is right for you?
Looking Beyond the Surface
To answer that last question, look at your friend objectively. Be careful, though! You might be inclined to see only what you want to see. So take your time. Try to perceive your friend’s true nature. This will take effort on your part. But that’s only to be expected. To illustrate: Imagine that you want to purchase a car. How thoroughly would you research it? Would you be concerned only about the outer appearance? Wouldn’t it make sense to look deeper—perhaps learning as much as you could about the condition of the engine?
Finding a mate is a much weightier issue than choosing a car. Yet, many who date don’t look beyond the surface. Instead, they quickly point to the things they have in common: ‘We like the same music.’ ‘We enjoy the same activities.’ ‘We agree on everything!’ As mentioned earlier, though, if you’re truly past the bloom of youth, you look beyond superficial traits. You see the need to discern “the secret person of the heart.”—1 Peter 3:4; Ephesians 3:16.
For example, rather than focus on how much you agree on things, it might be more revealing to note what happens when you disagree. In other words, how does this person handle conflict—by insisting on his or her way, perhaps giving in to “fits of anger” or “abusive speech”? (Galatians 5:19, 20; Colossians 3:8) Or does this person show reasonableness—a willingness to yield for the sake of peace when no issue of right or wrong is at stake?—James 3:17.
Another factor to consider: Is the person manipulative, possessive, or jealous? Does he or she demand to know your every move? “I hear of dating couples who fight because one person can’t stand that the other hasn’t constantly ‘checked in,’” says Nicole. “I think that’s a bad sign.”—1 Corinthians 13:4.
Issues such as those raised above focus on personality and conduct. However, it’s just as important to learn something of your friend’s reputation. How is that one viewed by others? You may want to talk to those who have known this person for some time, such as mature ones in the congregation. That way you will know if he or she is “well reported on.”—Acts 16:1, 2.
It might be revealing to jot down your personal observations as to how your friend measures up in the areas discussed so far.
Personality ․․․․․
Conduct ․․․․․
Reputation ․․․․․
You will also benefit by consulting the box “Would He Make a Good Husband for Me?” on page 39 or “Would She Make a Good Wife for Me?” on page 40. The questions raised will help you determine if your friend would make a suitable marriage partner.
What if after considering the matter, you conclude that this person may not be right for you? In that case, you’re faced with the serious question:
Should We Break Up?
Sometimes a breakup is a blessing. Consider the experience of Jill. “At first,” she says, “I was flattered that my boyfriend was always worrying about where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with. But it got to the point where I couldn’t spend time with anyone but him. He even got jealous when I spent time with my family—especially my father. When I ended the relationship, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders!”
Sarah had a similar experience. She began to notice that John, the young man she was dating, was sarcastic, demanding, and rude. “One time,” Sarah recalls, “he came to the door three hours late! He ignored my mother when she answered the door, and then he said: ‘Let’s go. We’re late.’ Not ‘I’m late,’ but ‘We’re late.’ He should have apologized or explained himself. Most of all, he should have shown my mother respect!” Of course, a single disappointing act or trait doesn’t necessarily doom a relationship. (Psalm 130:3) But when Sarah realized that John’s rudeness was a pattern rather than an isolated incident, she decided to end the relationship.
What if, like Jill and Sarah, you determine that the person you’re dating wouldn’t make a suitable marriage partner? In that case, do not ignore your feelings! Hard as it is to accept, it might be best to end the relationship. Proverbs 22:3 says: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself.” If, for example, your friend exhibits one or more of the danger signs found on pages 39 and 40, it would be best to end the relationship—at least until the problem is corrected. True, breaking up may not be easy. But marriage is a permanent bond. It’s better to live with short-term pain now than suffer with lifelong regret later!
Breaking the News
How should you go about breaking up? First, choose a proper setting for the discussion. What could that be? Well, think how you would like to be treated in such a situation. (Matthew 7:12) Would you want the announcement to be made in front of others? Likely not. Unless circumstances make it advisable, it would be best not to terminate a relationship by means of a telephone answering machine, a text message, or an e-mail. Instead, choose a time and place that will enable you to discuss this serious matter.
What should you say when the time comes to speak up? The apostle Paul urged Christians to “speak truth” with one another. (Ephesians 4:25) The best course, then, is to be tactful yet firm. State clearly why you feel that this relationship won’t work for you. You don’t need to recite a laundry list of faults or let loose with a barrage of criticism. In fact, instead of saying, “You don’t” do this or “You never” do that, it would be better to use phrases that focus on how you feel—“I need a person who . . .” or “I feel that this relationship should end because . . .”
This is no time to be wishy-washy or to yield to another’s opinion. Remember, you have chosen to break up for a serious reason. So be cautious if your friend attempts to change your mind through subtle forms of manipulation. “After I ended the relationship,” says a young woman named Lori, “my ex-boyfriend started acting depressed all the time. I think he did it to make me feel sorry for him. I did feel bad. But I didn’t allow his reaction to alter my decision.” Like Lori, know your own mind. Stick to your decision. Let your no mean no.—James 5:12.
Aftermath of a Breakup
Don’t be surprised if you’re deeply upset for a time after the breakup. You might even feel like the psalmist who said: “I have become disconcerted, I have bowed low to an extreme degree; all day long I have walked about sad.” (Psalm 38:6) Some well-intentioned friends may try to help by encouraging you to give the relationship another chance. Be careful! You will have to live with your decision—not your well-meaning friends. So don’t be afraid to remain firm—even though you may feel sad about what’s happened.
Be assured that, eventually, your painful feelings will pass. In the meantime, why not take positive steps, such as the following, to cope with the situation?
Express your feelings to a trusted confidant.b (Proverbs 15:22) Pray to Jehovah about the matter. (Psalm 55:22) Keep busy. (1 Corinthians 15:58) Don’t become a loner! (Proverbs 18:1) Get right back into group association with those who will upbuild you. Strive to keep your mind on things that are positive.—Philippians 4:8.
In time, you may well find a new friend. No doubt you will do so with an even more balanced outlook. Perhaps this time your answer to the question “Is this person right for me?” will be yes!
READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 31
Once you are dating, where should you draw the line when it comes to expressing your affection for each other?
[Footnotes]
a You can learn even more about yourself by considering the questions in Chapter 1 following the subheading “Are You Ready to Get Married?”
b Your parents or other adults, such as Christian elders, can help. You might even find that they went through similar painful experiences when they were young.
KEY SCRIPTURE
“Even by his practices a boy makes himself recognized as to whether his activity is pure and upright.”—Proverbs 20:11.
TIP
Engage in activities that reveal personal qualities:
● Study God’s Word together.
● Observe each other participating at congregation meetings and in the ministry.
● Participate in Kingdom Hall cleaning and in building projects.
DID YOU KNOW . . . ?
Research consistently shows that marriages between people of different religions are much more likely to end in divorce.
ACTION PLAN!
If I am attracted to an unbeliever, I will ․․․․․
To find out about the reputation of the person I’m dating, I can ․․․․․
What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
● What positive qualities would you bring into a marriage relationship?
● What vital qualities would you look for in a marriage partner?
● What complex issues could arise if you were to marry someone who didn’t share your faith?
● In what ways could you learn of the character, conduct, and reputation of someone you’re dating?
[Blurb on page 37]
“The way your friend treats his or her own family is the way he or she will treat you.”—Tony
[Box on page 34]
“Do Not Become Unevenly Yoked”
“Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers.” That Bible principle, found at 2 Corinthians 6:14, likely makes sense to you. Still, you might find yourself drawn to an unbeliever. Why? Sometimes it’s just physical attraction. “I would always see this girl in gym class,” says a boy named Mark. “She would go out of her way to come up and talk to me. It was not hard for a friendship to develop.”
If you know yourself and have confidence in your spiritual values—and if you’re mature enough not to be ruled by your feelings—you’ll know what you should do. Really, this person—no matter how attractive, charming, or seemingly virtuous—will not enhance your friendship with God.—James 4:4.
Of course, if a romance has developed, ending it won’t be easy—something that a girl named Cindy found out. “I cried every day,” she says. “I thought about the boy constantly, even during Christian meetings. I loved him so much that I thought I would rather die than lose him.” Soon, though, Cindy saw the wisdom of her mother’s counsel against dating an unbeliever. “It’s good that I broke up with him,” she says. “I have every confidence that Jehovah will provide for my needs.”
Are you in a situation similar to that of Cindy? If so, you don’t have to deal with it alone! You could talk to your parents. That’s what Jim did when he found himself infatuated with a girl at school. “I finally asked my parents for help,” he says. “This was a key to my overcoming these feelings.” Congregation elders can also assist you. Why not talk to one of them about what you’re going through?—Isaiah 32:1, 2.
[Box/Picture on page 39]
Worksheet
Would He Make a Good Husband for Me?
Character Basics
□ How does he handle any authority he may have?—Matthew 20:25, 26.
□ What are his goals?—1 Timothy 4:15.
□ Is he now working toward those goals?—1 Corinthians 9:26, 27.
□ How does he treat his family?—Exodus 20:12.
□ Who are his friends?—Proverbs 13:20.
□ What does he talk about?—Luke 6:45.
□ What is his attitude toward money?—Hebrews 13:5, 6.
□ What type of entertainment does he enjoy?—Psalm 97:10.
□ How does he demonstrate his love for Jehovah?—1 John 5:3.
Assets
□ Is he industrious?—Proverbs 6:9-11.
□ Is he financially responsible?—Luke 14:28.
□ Is he well reported on?—Acts 16:1, 2.
□ Is he considerate of others?—Philippians 2:4.
Danger Signs
□ Is he disposed to anger?—Proverbs 22:24.
□ Does he try to involve you in sexual misconduct?—Galatians 5:19.
□ Is he physically or verbally abusive?—Ephesians 4:31.
□ Does he need to use alcohol to have a good time?—Proverbs 20:1.
□ Is he jealous and self-centered?—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.
[Box/Picture on page 40]
Worksheet
Would She Make a Good Wife for Me?
Character Basics
□ How does she show submissiveness in the family and the congregation?—Ephesians 5:21, 22.
□ How does she treat her family?—Exodus 20:12.
□ Who are her friends?—Proverbs 13:20.
□ What does she talk about?—Luke 6:45.
□ What is her attitude toward money?—1 John 2:15-17.
□ What are her goals?—1 Timothy 4:15.
□ Is she now working toward those goals?—1 Corinthians 9:26, 27.
□ What type of entertainment does she enjoy?—Psalm 97:10.
□ How does she demonstrate her love for Jehovah?—1 John 5:3.
Assets
□ Is she industrious?—Proverbs 31:17, 19, 21, 22, 27.
□ Is she financially responsible?—Proverbs 31:16, 18.
□ Is she well reported on?—Ruth 3:11.
□ Is she considerate of others?—Proverbs 31:20.
Danger Signs
□ Is she contentious?—Proverbs 21:19.
□ Does she try to involve you in sexual misconduct?—Galatians 5:19.
□ Is she verbally or physically abusive?—Ephesians 4:31.
□ Does she need to use alcohol to have a good time?—Proverbs 20:1.
□ Is she jealous and self-centered?—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.
[Picture on page 30]
Not just any size shoe will fit; similarly, not just anyone will make a good partner
[Picture on page 31]
Do you think it’s important to look beyond outward appearance when choosing a car? How much more so when choosing a marriage mate!
-
-
Role Model—The ShulammiteQuestions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
Role Model—The Shulammite
The young Shulammite woman knows she needs to keep a clear head in matters of romance. “I have put you under oath,” she tells her companions, “that you try not to awaken or arouse love in me until it feels inclined.” The Shulammite knows that feelings can quickly overpower reason. She realizes, for instance, that others could pressure her to yield to the advances of someone who isn’t right for her. Even her own feelings could cloud good judgment. So the Shulammite remains like “a wall.”—Song of Solomon 8:4, 10.
Is your view of love as mature as that of the Shulammite? Can you listen to your head and not just your heart? (Proverbs 2:10, 11) Sometimes others might try to pressure you into a relationship before you’re ready for it. You might even bring such pressure upon yourself. For example, when you see a boy and girl walking hand in hand, do you feel desperate to have the same kind of relationship? Would you settle for someone who doesn’t share your Bible-based beliefs? The Shulammite girl was mature when it came to matters of romance. You can be too!
-
-
How Far Is Too Far?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
CHAPTER 4
How Far Is Too Far?
True or false . . .
It’s always wrong for two people who are dating to touch each other, under any circumstances.
□ True
□ False
A couple who refrain from sexual intercourse can still be guilty of fornication.
□ True
□ False
If a dating couple don’t take sexual liberties, they can’t really be in love.
□ True
□ False
NO DOUBT you’ve thought about this subject a lot. After all, if you’re dating someone, it can be difficult to know where to draw the line when expressing affection. Let’s address the three true-or-false statements above and see how God’s Word helps us to answer the question, “How far is too far?”
● It’s always wrong for two people who are dating to touch each other, under any circumstances.
False. The Bible doesn’t condemn legitimate, clean expressions of affection. For example, the Bible tells the story of a Shulammite girl and a shepherd boy who were in love. Their courtship was chaste. Yet, they evidently exchanged some displays of affection before they married. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) Today some couples who are seriously contemplating marriage may likewise feel that some chaste expressions of affection are appropriate.a
However, a dating couple must exercise extreme caution. Kissing, embracing, or doing anything that causes arousal can lead to sexual misconduct. It’s all too easy, even for a couple with honorable intentions, to get carried away and engage in sexual immorality.—Colossians 3:5.
● A couple who refrain from sexual intercourse can still be guilty of fornication.
True. The original Greek word translated “fornication” (por·neiʹa) has a broad meaning. It describes all forms of sexual relations outside of marriage and focuses on the misuse of the sexual organs. Thus, fornication includes not only intercourse but also acts such as masturbating another person, as well as engaging in oral sex or anal sex.
Furthermore, the Bible condemns more than just fornication. The apostle Paul wrote: “The works of the flesh are manifest, and they are fornication, uncleanness, loose conduct.” He added: “Those who practice such things will not inherit God’s kingdom.”—Galatians 5:19-21.
What is “uncleanness”? The Greek word covers impurity of any kind, in speech or action. Surely it would be unclean to allow one’s hands to stray under another person’s clothing, to remove another’s clothing, or to caress another’s intimate areas, such as the breasts. In the Bible the caressing of the breasts is associated with the pleasures reserved for married couples.—Proverbs 5:18, 19.
Some youths brazenly defy godly standards. They deliberately go too far, or they greedily seek out numerous partners with whom they can practice sexual uncleanness. Such ones may be guilty of what the apostle Paul called “loose conduct.” The Greek word for “loose conduct” means ‘outrageous acts, excess, insolence, unbridled lust.’ Surely you want to avoid coming to be “past all moral sense” by giving yourself over to “loose conduct to work uncleanness of every sort with greediness.”—Ephesians 4:17-19.
● If a dating couple don’t take sexual liberties, they can’t really be in love.
False. Contrary to what some may think, taking improper sexual liberties doesn’t deepen a relationship. Rather, it tears down mutual respect and trust. Consider Laura’s experience. “One day my boyfriend came over when my mother wasn’t home, supposedly just to watch TV,” she says. “At first he just held my hand. Then all of a sudden, his hands started to wander. I was afraid to tell him to stop; I thought he would get upset and want to leave.”
What do you think? Did Laura’s boyfriend really care for her, or was he just seeking selfish gratification? Is someone who tries to draw you into unclean behavior really showing that he loves you?
When a boy pressures a girl into violating her Christian training and conscience, he breaks God’s law and undermines any claim that he genuinely loves her. Furthermore, a girl who willingly gives in allows herself to be exploited. Worse yet, she has committed an unclean act—perhaps even fornication.b—1 Corinthians 6:9, 10.
Set Clear Boundaries
If you’re dating, how can you avoid inappropriate displays of affection? The wise course is to set clear boundaries in advance. Proverbs 13:10 says: “With those consulting together there is wisdom.” So discuss with your partner what expressions of affection are appropriate. Waiting until you’re in some emotion-charged romantic setting before establishing ground rules is like waiting until your house is on fire before installing an alarm.
Granted, such a sensitive discussion can be difficult—even embarrassing—especially in the early stages of courtship. But establishing boundaries can do much to prevent serious problems from developing later on. Wise boundaries can be like smoke detectors that sound an alarm at the first hint of fire. Furthermore, your ability to communicate in these matters may also serve as an indicator of how much potential the relationship has. In fact, self-control, patience, and unselfishness are the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage.—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.
True, holding to godly standards isn’t easy. But you can trust Jehovah’s advice. After all, at Isaiah 48:17, he describes himself as “the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk.” Jehovah has your best interests at heart!
READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 24
Virginity doesn’t make you abnormal. On the contrary, it’s the wise course. Find out why.
[Footnotes]
a In some parts of the world, public displays of affection between unmarried individuals are considered to be in poor taste and offensive. Christians take care not to behave in a way that could stumble others.—2 Corinthians 6:3.
b Of course, the issues raised in this paragraph apply to both genders.
KEY SCRIPTURE
“Love . . . does not behave indecently.”—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.
TIP
Date in groups, or insist on having a chaperone. Avoid risky settings, such as being alone in a parked car or in a house or an apartment.
DID YOU KNOW . . . ?
If you’re engaged, you need to discuss some intimate matters. But explicit talk that’s intended to arouse sexual desire is a form of uncleanness—even if it’s carried on over the phone or via text messaging.
ACTION PLAN!
I can avoid being tempted to toy with immorality by ․․․․․
If the person I’m dating tries to pressure me into unclean conduct, I will ․․․․․
What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
● What limits would you set on physical contact with a member of the opposite sex?
● Explain how fornication, uncleanness, and loose conduct differ.
[Blurb on page 46]
“My fiancé and I have read together Bible-based articles on staying chaste. We appreciate the way they have helped us maintain a clean conscience.”—Leticia
[Box on page 44]
What if We’ve Gone Too Far?
What if you’ve fallen into improper conduct? Don’t deceive yourself into thinking you can solve the problem alone. “I’d pray, ‘Help us not to do it again,’” confessed one youth. “Sometimes it would work, but a few times it didn’t.” Therefore, talk to your parents. The Bible also gives this good advice: “Call the older men of the congregation.” (James 5:14) These Christian shepherds can give counsel, advice, and reproof so that you can get your relationship with God back on track.
[Pictures on page 47]
Would you wait until your house caught fire before you installed an alarm? Then don’t wait until your passions are aroused before you establish ground rules for conduct
-
-
Why Stay a Virgin?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
CHAPTER 5
Why Stay a Virgin?
“I feel pressure to experiment with sex.”—Kelly.
“I feel strange for still being a virgin.”—Jordon.
“ARE you still a virgin?” The very question might make you cower! After all, in many places a youth who is a virgin is likely to be viewed as a curiosity, an oddball. No wonder so many young people have sex before they’re out of their teens!
Pulled by Desire, Pushed by Peers
If you are a Christian, you know that the Bible tells you to “abstain from fornication.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3) Still, you might find it hard to control your sexual urges. “At times, thoughts about sex enter my mind without any apparent cause or reason,” admits a young man named Paul. Be assured that to a large extent, such feelings are normal.
However, being the victim of unrelenting teasing and harassment for being a virgin is no fun at all! For instance, what if your peers tell you that you’re not a real man or woman unless you’ve had sex? “Your peers make sex seem exciting and normal,” says Ellen. “If you’re not sleeping around, you’re classed as weird.”
But there’s a side to premarital sex that your peers may not talk about. For example, Maria, who had sex with her boyfriend, recalls: “Afterwards I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I hated myself and I hated my boyfriend.” Such experiences are more typical than most youths realize. In reality, premarital sex is often an emotionally painful experience—with devastating consequences!
However, a youth named Shanda asks, “Why would God give young people sexual desires, knowing that they should not use them until after marriage?” That’s a good question. But consider the following:
Are sexual urges the only strong feelings you experience? Not at all. Jehovah God created you with the capacity to feel a wide range of desires and emotions.
Do you have to act on each impulse the instant that it wells up inside you? No, for God also made you with the ability to control your actions.
What’s the lesson, then? You may not be able to keep certain desires from arising, but you can control your reaction to them. Really, to act upon every sexual urge would be as wrong and foolish as hitting someone each time you felt anger.
The fact is, God never intended for us to misuse our procreative powers. “Each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor,” says the Bible. (1 Thessalonians 4:4) Just as there is “a time to love and a time to hate,” there is also a time to act on sexual urges and a time to refrain from doing so. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) Ultimately, you are in control of your desires!
But what can you do if someone taunts you, saying with disbelief, “Are you really still a virgin?” Don’t be intimidated. To a person who only wants to put you down, you could say: “Yes, I am still a virgin, and you know what? I’m glad I am!” Or you could say, “That is a personal matter I don’t discuss with others.”a (Proverbs 26:4; Colossians 4:6) On the other hand, you might feel that the person questioning you deserves to know more. In that case you may well choose to explain your Bible-based stand.
Can you think of some other replies to the taunt “Are you really still a virgin?” If so, write them below.
․․․․․
A Precious Gift
How does God feel when people decide to have sex before marriage? Well, imagine that you’ve purchased a gift for a friend. But before you can give it to that friend, he or she—out of sheer curiosity—opens the gift! Wouldn’t you be upset? Imagine, then, how God would feel if you were to engage in premarital sex. He wants you to wait until you’re married to enjoy the gift of sexual relations.—Genesis 1:28.
What should you do about your sexual feelings? Put simply, learn to control them. You have the strength to do so! Pray to Jehovah to help you. His spirit can enhance your ability to exercise self-control. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Remind yourself that Jehovah “will not hold back anything good from those walking in faultlessness.” (Psalm 84:11) Says a youth named Gordon: “When I find myself thinking that premarital sex would not be so bad, I reflect on the bad spiritual consequences and realize that no sin is worth the loss of my relationship with Jehovah.”
The fact is, virginity is not strange or abnormal. It’s immoral sex that is degrading, humiliating, and harmful. So don’t let the world’s propaganda con you into thinking that something is wrong with you if you hold to Bible standards. By retaining your virginity, you protect your health, your emotional well-being, and—most important of all—your relationship with God.
READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 24
[Footnote]
a Interestingly, Jesus chose to remain silent when questioned by Herod. (Luke 23:8, 9) Silence is often a good way to handle impertinent questions.
KEY SCRIPTURE
“If anyone . . . has made this decision in his own heart, to keep his own virginity, he will do well.”—1 Corinthians 7:37.
TIP
Avoid association with those who lack strong moral standards, even if they claim to share your religious beliefs.
DID YOU KNOW . . . ?
Sexually permissive people are unlikely to change their habits just because they get married. In contrast, those who are loyal to God’s moral standards before marriage are more likely to be loyal to their mate afterward.
ACTION PLAN!
If I am going to stay a virgin until I’m married, I will need to ․․․․․
If my associates are making it difficult for me to keep my resolve, I will ․․․․․
What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
● Why in your opinion do some ridicule those who are virgins?
● Why can it be difficult to remain a virgin?
● What are the benefits of remaining a virgin until you’re married?
● How would you explain the benefits of virginity to a younger sibling?
[Blurb on page 51]
“I am motivated to resist sexual temptations by always remembering that ‘no fornicator or unclean person has any inheritance in the kingdom of God.’” (Ephesians 5:5)—Lydia
[Box on page 49]
Worksheet
What Really Happens Next?
Your peers and popular entertainment often cleverly mask the unpleasant realities of premarital sex. Look at the following three scenarios. What do you think would really happen to these teens?
● A schoolmate brags that he’s had sex with many girls. He says it’s fun—nobody gets hurt. What really happens next—to him and to the girls? ․․․․․
● A movie ends with two unmarried teens having sex as a way to express their love for each other. What would happen next—in real life? ․․․․․
● You meet a cute boy who asks you for sex. He says no one has to find out about it. If you gave in and tried to cover it up, what would really happen next? ․․․․․
[Picture on page 54]
Engaging in premarital sex is like opening a gift before it has been given to you
-
-
Role Model—JosephQuestions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
Role Model—Joseph
Joseph is faced with a serious situation. His master’s wife has repeatedly implored him to have sex with her. Now she’s trying again! But Joseph isn’t tempted. In fact, his reply is resolute. “How could I commit this great badness and actually sin against God?” he says to her. When she challenges his refusal—even grabbing hold of him—Joseph isn’t embarrassed to flee. In fact, he runs out of the house! Joseph shows himself to be a man of moral integrity.—Genesis 39:7-12.
You too may be confronted with a situation in which someone wants you to give in to your sexual urges. Resisting isn’t merely a matter of willpower. It starts with a desire to please your Creator, Jehovah God. You see, Joseph had sexual desires, just as you do. However, it was unthinkable for him to satisfy those urges in a way that would offend his Creator. In the same way, you need to be convinced that moral uncleanness offends God and that it ultimately leads to heartache. So strive to develop and maintain the moral integrity that Joseph displayed.
-
-
My Journal—The Opposite SexQuestions Young People Ask—Answers That Work, Volume 2
-
-
SECTION 1
My Journal—The Opposite Sex
If you’re interested in getting married, write down the two most important attributes you would look for in a marriage mate and explain why you value those qualities. If you prefer to remain single, at least for a time, write about two advantages of singleness.
․․․․․
-