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What About Sex Before Marriage?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Chapter 23
What About Sex Before Marriage?
‘IF YOU love each other, is it all right? Or should you wait until you’re married?’ ‘I’m still a virgin. Is there something wrong with me?’ Questions like these abound among youths.
Nevertheless, “It is the exceptional young person who has not had sexual intercourse while still a teenager,” concluded the Alan Guttmacher Institute in its 1981 report. “Eight in 10 males and seven in 10 females report having had intercourse while in their teens.”
‘And why not?’ you may ask. After all, it is only natural to want to feel loved. And when you’re young, your passions can be powerful to the point of distraction. Furthermore, there’s the influence of your peers. They may tell you that premarital sex is fun and that when you really like someone, it’s only natural to want to be intimate. Some may even say that having sex proves your manhood or womanhood. Not wanting to be viewed as odd, you may thus feel under pressure to experience sexual relations.
Contrary to popular opinion, not all youths are in a hurry to give up their virginity. Consider, for example, a young single woman named Esther. She was getting a medical checkup when her doctor matter-of-factly inquired: “What method of contraception are you using?” When Esther replied, “I’m not using any,” her doctor exclaimed: “What! Do you want to get pregnant? How do you expect not to get pregnant if you’re not using anything?” Esther replied: “Because I’m not having sex!”
Her doctor stared at her in disbelief. “This is unbelievable,” he said. “Kids come in here 13 years old, and they are no longer virgins. You are a remarkable person.”
What made Esther “remarkable”? She obeyed the Bible’s admonition: “Now the body is not for fornication [including premarital sex] . . . Flee from fornication.” (1 Corinthians 6:13, 18) Yes, she recognized premarital sex as a serious sin against God! “This is what God wills,” states 1 Thessalonians 4:3, “that you abstain from fornication.” Why, though, does the Bible forbid premarital sex?
The Aftereffects
Even in Bible times, some engaged in premarital sex. An immoral woman might invite a young man to indulge, saying: “Do come, let us drink our fill of love until the morning; do let us enjoy each other with love expressions.” (Proverbs 7:18) The Bible, however, warned that pleasures enjoyed today can cause pain tomorrow. “For as a honeycomb the lips of a strange woman keep dripping, and her palate is smoother than oil,” observed Solomon. “But,” he continued, “the aftereffect from her is as bitter as wormwood; it is as sharp as a two-edged sword.”—Proverbs 5:3, 4.
One possible aftereffect is the contracting of a sexually transmitted disease. Imagine the heartache if years later one learned that a sexual experience has caused irreversible damage, perhaps infertility or a serious health problem! As Proverbs 5:11 warns: “You have to groan in your future when your flesh and your organism come to an end.” Premarital sex also leads to illegitimacy (see pages 184-5), abortion, and premature marriage—each with its painful consequences. Yes, one engaging in premarital sex truly ‘sins against his or her own body.’—1 Corinthians 6:18.
Recognizing such dangers, Dr. Richard Lee wrote in the Yale Journal of Biology and Medicine: “We boast to our young people about our great breakthroughs in preventing pregnancy and treating venereal disease disregarding the most reliable and specific, the least expensive and toxic, preventative of both gestational and venereal distress—the ancient, honorable, and even healthy state of virginity.”
Guilt and Disappointment
Many youths have further found premarital sex to be bitterly disappointing. The result? Feelings of guilt and diminished self-respect. Twenty-three-year-old Dennis admitted: “It was a big letdown—no feeling of good or warmth of love as it was supposed to be. Rather the full realization of how wrong the act was hit me. I felt totally ashamed at my lack of self-control.” Confessed a young woman: “I came back to reality with a sickening thud. . . . The party was over and I felt sick, cheap, and dirty. It didn’t make me feel any better to hear him say, ‘Why on earth didn’t you stop us before things went too far?’”
Such reactions are not rare, according to Dr. Jay Segal. After studying the sexual activities of 2,436 college students, he concluded: “Dissatisfying and disappointing first [sexual intercourse] experiences exceeded those that were fulfilling and exciting by a ratio of almost two to one. Both males and females recalled that they were greatly disappointed.” Granted, even married couples may sometimes have their difficulties when it comes to sex. But in a marriage, where there is genuine love and commitment, such problems usually can be worked out.
The Price of Promiscuity
Some youths feel no guilt whatsoever about having relations, and so they go all out for sensual gratification, seeking sex with a variety of partners. Researcher Robert Sorensen, in his study of teenage sexuality, observed that such youths pay a price for their promiscuity. Writes Sorensen: “In our personal interviews, many [promiscuous youths] reveal . . . that they believe they are functioning with little purpose and self-contentment.” Forty-six percent of these agreed with the statement, “The way I’m living right now, most of my abilities are going to waste.” Sorensen further found that these promiscuous youths reported low “self-confidence and self-esteem.”
It is just as Proverbs 5:9 says: Those engaging in immorality “give to others [their] dignity.”
The Morning After
Once a couple have had illicit relations, they often look at each other differently. A boy may find that his feelings for the girl are not as intense as before; he may even find her less attractive. A girl, on the other hand, may feel exploited. Recall the Bible account of the young man Amnon and how lovesick he was over the virgin Tamar. Yet, after intercourse with her, “Amnon began hating her with a very great hatred.”—2 Samuel 13:15.
A girl named Maria had a similar experience. After having sexual relations, she admitted: “I hated myself (for my weakness), and I hated my boyfriend. In fact, the sex relations we thought would bring us closer ended our relationship. I didn’t even want to see him again.” Yes, by having premarital sex, a couple cross a line over which they can never go back!
Paul H. Landis, a respected researcher in the field of family life, observes: “The temporary effect [of premarital sex] may be to strengthen the relationship, but the long-term effects may be quite different.” Indeed, couples who have sex are more likely to break up than are those who abstain! The reason? Illicit sex breeds jealousy and distrust. Admitted one youth: “Some fellows, when they have intercourse, think afterwards, ‘if she had it with me maybe she had it with someone else.’ As a matter of fact, I felt that way. . . . I was extremely jealous and doubtful, and suspicious.”
How remote this is from genuine love, which “is not jealous, . . . does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) The love that builds lasting relationships is not based on blind passion.
The Benefits of Chastity—Peace and Self-Respect
Staying chaste, however, does more than help a youth avoid dire consequences. The Bible tells of a young maiden who remained chaste despite intense love for her boyfriend. As a result, she could proudly say: “I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers.” She was no ‘swinging door’ that easily ‘opened up’ under immoral pressure. Morally, she stood like the unscalable wall of a fortress with inaccessible towers! She deserved to be called “the pure one” and could say of her prospective husband, “I have become in his eyes like her that is finding peace.” Her own peace of mind contributed to the contentment between the two of them.—Song of Solomon 6:9, 10; 8:9, 10.
Esther, the chaste girl mentioned previously, had the same inner peace and self-esteem. She said: “I felt good about myself. Even when workmates would ridicule me, I viewed my virginity like a diamond, valuable because it is so rare.” Additionally, youths like Esther are not plagued by a guilty conscience. “There is nothing nicer than to have a good conscience toward Jehovah God,” stated Stefan, a 19-year-old Christian.
‘But how can a couple get to know each other well if they don’t have sex?’ wonder some youths.
Building Lasting Intimacy
Sex alone cannot forge a permanent relationship; neither can expressions of affection, such as kissing. A young woman named Ann warns: “I learned from experience that at times you can get too close physically too soon.” When a couple spend their time lavishing affection upon each other, meaningful communication ceases. They may thus gloss over serious differences that can resurface after marriage. When Ann later began to date another man—the one she eventually married—she was careful to avoid becoming too intimate physically. Explains Ann: “We spent our time working out problems and discussing our goals in life. I got to know what type of person I was marrying. After marriage, there were only pleasant surprises.”
Was it hard for Ann and her boyfriend to show such self-control? “Yes, it was!” confessed Ann. “I am just naturally an affectionate person. But we talked about the dangers and helped each other. We both wanted very much to please God and not spoil our upcoming marriage.”
But does it not help for a new husband or wife to have previous sexual experience? No, on the contrary, it often detracts from marital intimacy! In premarital relations, the emphasis is on self-gratification, the physical aspects of sex. Mutual respect is undermined by uncontrolled passion. Once such selfish patterns are formed, they are hard to break and can eventually wreak havoc on the relationship.
In marriage, however, a healthy intimate relationship demands restraint, self-control. The focus must be on giving, ‘rendering one’s sexual due,’ rather than getting. (1 Corinthians 7:3, 4) Staying chaste helps you develop such self-control. It teaches you to put unselfish concern for the other’s welfare ahead of your own desires. Remember, too, that marital satisfaction is not purely due to physical factors. Sociologist Seymour Fisher says that a woman’s sexual response also depends upon her having “feelings of intimacy, closeness, and dependability” and upon her husband’s “ability to identify with his wife, and . . . how much confidence she had in him.”
Interestingly, in a study of 177 married women, three fourths of those who had engaged in premarital sex reported sexual difficulties during the first two weeks of marriage. Furthermore, all who reported long-term sexual difficulties “had histories of premarital intercourse.” Research has further shown that those engaging in premarital sex are twice as likely to commit adultery after marriage! How true are the Bible’s words: “Fornication . . . take[s] away good motive.”—Hosea 4:11.
Therefore, ‘you will reap what you sow.’ (Galatians 6:7, 8) Sow passion and reap a bumper crop of doubts and insecurities. But if you sow self-control, you will reap a harvest of fidelity and security. Esther, mentioned earlier, has since been happily married for several years now. Says her husband, “It’s an indescribable joy to come home to my wife and know that we belong only to each other. Nothing can replace this feeling of confidence.”
Those who wait until marriage also enjoy peace of mind, knowing they are pleasing to God. Still, staying chaste these days is far from easy. What can help you to do so?
Questions for Discussion
◻ How prevalent is premarital sex among the youths you know? Does this create any problems or pressures for you?
◻ What are some of the negative aftereffects of premarital sex? Do you know of any youths who have suffered in these ways?
◻ Is birth control the answer to the problem of teen pregnancy?
◻ Why do some feel guilt and disappointment after engaging in illicit sex?
◻ Do you feel that sexual relations will help an unmarried couple to draw closer to each other? Why do you so answer?
◻ How can a couple get to know each other while dating?
◻ What do you think are the benefits of remaining virgin until marriage?
[Blurb on page 182]
“It is the exceptional young person who has not had sexual intercourse while still a teenager.”—The Alan Guttmacher Institute
[Blurb on page 187]
“It was a big letdown—no feeling of good or warmth of love as it was supposed to be”
[Blurb on page 190]
By having premarital sex, a couple cross a line over which they can never go back!
[Box/Picture on page 184, 185]
It Can’t Happen to Me!’—The Problem of Teen Pregnancy
“More than one in 10 teenagers gets pregnant each year, and the proportion is rising. If patterns do not change, four in 10 young women will get pregnant at least once while still in their teens.” So reports Teenage Pregnancy: The Problem That Hasn’t Gone Away. And what kind of girls get pregnant? Said the journal Adolescence: “School-age girls who become pregnant come from all socioeconomic classes . . . All races, all faiths, and all parts of the country, rural and urban.”
Few girls actually want to become pregnant. In his landmark study of over 400 pregnant teenagers, Frank Furstenberg, Jr., observed that “most remarked repeatedly in the interviews, ‘I never thought it would happen to me.’”
But observing that some of their friends had enjoyed sexual relations without getting pregnant, some girls figured they could do so, too. Furstenberg also states: “A number mentioned that they did not think it was possible to become pregnant ‘right away.’ Others thought that if they had sexual relations only ‘every once in a while’ they would not become pregnant . . . The longer they went without conceiving, the more likely they were to assume greater risks.”
The truth is, however, that whenever one engages in sexual relations there is the risk of pregnancy. (Of one group of 544 girls, ‘nearly one-fifth became pregnant within six months after beginning sexual intercourse.’) Many, like an unwed mother named Robin, deliberately choose not to utilize birth control. Robin feared—as do many youths—that using the birth-control pill would damage her health. She further admits: “For me to obtain birth control, I would have had to admit to myself that I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t do that. So I just blocked what I was doing out of my mind and hoped nothing would happen.”
Such reasoning is common among unwed mothers. In Furstenberg’s study, “nearly half of the teenagers stated that it was very important for a woman to wait until marriage to begin to have sex . . . Undeniably, there was an obvious discrepancy between the words and the deeds . . . They had acquired one set of standards and had learned to live by another.” This emotional conflict “made it especially difficult for these women to deal realistically with the consequences of their sexual behavior.”
Even using birth control is no guarantee that a girl will escape unwed motherhood. The book Kids Having Kids reminds us: “Every method has a failure rate. . . . Even if unmarried teens consistently use birth control methods . . . 500,000 [in the U.S.] would still become pregnant each year.” A 16-year-old unwed mother named Pat is then quoted as lamenting: “I took [birth-control pills] faithfully. I honestly never missed a day.”
“Do not be misled,” warns the Bible. “God is not one to be mocked. For whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.” (Galatians 6:7) Pregnancy is just one of the ways one can reap an unpleasant harvest from fornication. Fortunately, unwed mothers, like all others who have become entrapped in immorality, can turn around and come to God with the repentant attitude of King David, who prayed: “Thoroughly wash me from my error, and cleanse me even from my sin.” (Psalm 51:2) God will bless the efforts of such repentant ones to raise their children “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.”—Ephesians 6:4.
Better it is, though, to avoid premarital sex! Do not be fooled by those who say you can get away with it.
[Picture on page 183]
In the wake of immoral sex, a youth often feels exploited or even humiliated
[Picture on page 186]
Sexually transmitted diseases often result from premarital sex
[Picture on page 188]
Excessive displays of affection can expose a couple to moral dangers and curtail meaningful communication
[Picture on page 189]
Marital happiness depends upon more than a couple’s physical relationship
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How Can I Say No to Premarital Sex?Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work
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Chapter 24
How Can I Say No to Premarital Sex?
A NATIONWIDE survey by ’Teen magazine revealed that many of its young readers wanted information on the following question: “How to say no to sexual pressure.”
At Psalm 119:9, the psalmist posed a similar question: “How will a young man [or woman] cleanse his path?” The answer: “By keeping on guard according to your [God’s] word.” But more is needed than head knowledge. “You know in your mind what the Bible says about immoral sex,” confessed one young woman. “But your heart keeps pushing these reasons into the back of your mind.” Appropriately, the psalmist continued: “In my heart I have treasured up your saying, in order that I may not sin against you.”—Psalm 119:11.
Safeguard the Heart
To treasure God’s sayings in your heart requires first that you read and study the Scriptures and Bible-based literature. This can help convince you of the value of God’s laws. On the other hand, reading, listening to, or viewing sexually stimulating material whips up the “sexual appetite.” (Colossians 3:5) So strictly avoid such material! Ponder instead on things that are chaste and clean.
Research has further shown that one’s close friends can have a great influence on whether one stays chaste. Said the psalmist: “A partner I am of all those who do fear you [God], and of those keeping your orders.”—Psalm 119:63.
Are your friends those who are really striving to ‘keep God’s orders’? A young woman named Joanna makes this observation regarding choice of friends: “If you are around people who love Jehovah, you find that, as you talk about morals, you start to feel the same way they do. For instance, if you hear them say that immorality is disgusting, you begin to feel likewise. On the other hand, if you’re with someone that doesn’t care, pretty soon you’ll become just like him.”—Proverbs 13:20.
It is dating and courtship, however, that often present the greatest challenge to remaining chaste. Consider a nationwide study by Robert Sorensen. He found that 56 percent of the young men and 82 percent of the women surveyed who had experienced sexual relations did so for the first time with someone with whom they were going steady—or at least knew well and liked a lot. What, then, if you are old enough to pursue marriage and are dating someone? How can you get better acquainted with that person and still keep chaste?
Avoiding Pitfalls When Courting
The Bible warns: “The heart is trickier than anything and in a desperate state; who understands it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, Byington) One may feel a perfectly normal attraction toward someone of the opposite sex. But the more you’re around each other, the greater the attraction. And this normal desire can lead your heart astray. “Out of the heart come wicked reasonings, . . . fornications,” said Jesus Christ.—Matthew 15:19.
Often a young couple do not plan to have sexual intercourse.a In most cases, this occurred because a couple engaged in petting, or stimulating touching, of intimate body parts. Confessed one unwed mother: “To me and to most of the kids I know, it just kind of went a little bit further each time, and finally you aren’t a virgin anymore. You start out to do a little petting, and before you realize what is happening, you can’t stop.”
To avoid falling into sexual immorality yourself, you must lead your heart, rather than let it lead you. (Proverbs 23:19) How can you do this?
Set limits: A young man may feel that his girlfriend expects him to initiate kissing and petting, when in reality she may not. “By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) So if you are dating, let the other person know how you feel about the matter by “consulting together.” Wisely set limits on expressions of affection. At the same time, don’t give out mixed signals. Wearing tight, revealing, sexy clothes can give your partner the wrong message.
Avoid tempting situations: The Bible tells about a young virgin who was invited by her boyfriend to hike with him to a secluded spot in the mountains. His motive? So they could enjoy the beauties of early spring. However, the girl’s brothers found out about the planned excursion and indignantly put a stop to it. Was it because they felt she was immorally inclined? Not at all! But they well knew the power of temptation under such circumstances. (Song of Solomon 1:6; 2:8-15) Likewise, you should avoid circumstances that could lead to temptation, such as being alone in a house, an apartment, or a parked automobile with someone you are dating.
Know your limitations: There are times when you may be more vulnerable to sexual enticements than at other times. For example, you may be discouraged because of some personal failure or a disagreement with your parents. Whatever the case, during such times you will have to be especially cautious. (Proverbs 24:10) Also, be careful about the use of alcoholic beverages. Under the influence of these, you can lose your inhibitions. “Wine and sweet wine are what take away good motive.”—Hosea 4:11.
Say no and mean it: What can a couple do when emotions escalate and they find themselves becoming dangerously intimate? One of them has to say or do something that breaks the mood. Debra found herself alone with her date, who stopped the car in a lonely place to “talk.” When the emotions began to escalate, Debra said to her date: “Isn’t this necking? Shouldn’t we stop?” That broke the mood. He immediately drove her home. To say no under these circumstances may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. But as one 20-year-old woman who gave in to having sexual relations said: “If you don’t walk away, you’ll be sorry!”
Have a chaperon: Though viewed as old-fashioned by some, having a chaperon to accompany you on a date is still a good idea. “It looks as if we can’t be trusted,” complain some couples. Perhaps. But is it wise to trust oneself? Proverbs 28:26 bluntly states: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid, but he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” Walk wisely by having someone else join you on a date. “I really respect the fellow who brings his own chaperon. I know he is as interested as I am in being chaste,” revealed Debra. “It works no hardship, for when we want to say something privately, we just step out of earshot of others. The protection it affords is worth any inconvenience.”
Friendship With God
Above all, developing a close friendship with God, knowing him as a real person with feelings, will help you avoid conduct that offends him. Pouring out your heart to him about specific problems draws you close to him. Many couples wishing to remain chaste have even prayed together to God during emotionally charged situations, asking that he give them the needed strength.
Jehovah generously responds by giving such ones “power beyond what is normal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7) You, of course, have to do your part. Yet, be assured that with God’s help and blessing, it is possible to say no to sexual immorality.
[Footnotes]
a According to one study, 60 percent of the women said the act was spontaneous and not planned.
Questions for Discussion
◻ What are some things you can do that will help you to treasure Jehovah’s laws regarding sex?
◻ How can your friends affect your view of premarital sex?
◻ Why do you feel caution is necessary when dating?
◻ What are some things a courting couple can do to protect themselves from falling into sexual immorality?
[Blurb on page 193]
“You start out to do a little petting . . . ”
[Blurb on page 194]
When courting, avoid immorality by not isolating yourselves
[Box/Pictures on page 195]
Staying Chaste While Dating
Avoid situations that could lead to necking and petting
Date in groups or have a chaperon
Keep the conversation on an upbuilding level
From the start, let your partner know your attitude regarding limits on expressions of affection
Dress modestly and avoid provocative actions
Ask to be taken home if you feel your chastity is in jeopardy
Refrain from long “good-nights”
Keep an early curfew
[Pictures]
Courting couples can pursue activities that do not isolate them from other people
[Picture on page 196]
If a situation becomes too “heated,” have the sense to say No!—and mean it!
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