Intsha Iyabuza . . .
Ngingayilawula Kanjani Intukuthelo Yami?
“Nginentukuthelo embi. Ngiyathukuthela, futhi ngithuke sengisho izinto ezimbi kubantu engibathanda ngempela. Ngiyazama ukungakunaki ukucasulwa okuncane, kodwa kuyakhula. Emva kokuthetha, ngizizwa nginecala.”—Intombazane eyeve eminyakeni eyishumi nambili
AKUNGABAZEKI, ukulawula intukuthelo yakho kungaba umshikashika wangempela. Akumangalisi-ke ukuthi abezempilo yengqondo bathi kuhle ukudedela intukuthelo ngezinye izikhathi. Kuthiwa lokhu ‘kwandisa ukuzethemba’ futhi kuqede ingxabano ebuhlotsheni bakho nabanye. Phela, abanye baze bathi ukugcina intukuthelo ngaphakathi kuyingozi empilweni yakho!
Nokho, iBhayibheli lithi: “Konke okubabayo, nentukuthelo, nolaka, nomsindo, nokuhlambalaza makususwe kini.” (Efesu 4:31) Isiphike iseluleko esingcono? Ingabe kunokwenzeka ngomuntu ukuba alawule intukuthelo yakhe lapho ecasulwe kakhulu?
Intukuthelo Yakho—Umuzwa Wabantu Basemigedeni?
Okuyisisekelo semibono eminingi ngentukuthelo ukukholelwa emqondweni wokuziphendukela kwemvelo. Abanye bakholelwa ukuthi, intukuthelo iwufuzo esaluthola kokhokho bethu basemigedeni, umuzwa ongalawuleki. Encwadini yakhe ethi Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, uCarol Tavris uthi: ‘Imiqondo kaDarwin imelele iphuzu elibalulekile neliyinhloko emqondweni waseNtsholalanga: inkolelo yokuthi singayilawula intukuthelo yethu—yebo, kumelwe siyilawule—yake yagudlukela inkolo yokuthi isinakukwazi ukuyilawula, ngalesosikhathi kwabe sekube lula ukufinyelela enkolelweni “yamanje yokuthi akufanele siyilawule.”
‘Yibonise intukuthelo yakho’ abanye beluleka kanjalo. ‘Qhubeka, ukhiphe igwebu.’ Kodwa ingabe iseluleko esinjalo sibonakale siwusizo? Ngokwesibonelo, ubufakazi ngokumelene nomqondo wokuziphendukela kwemvelo buyaqhubeka banda. Futhi uTavris nabanye bawubekela inselele umbono wokuthi yidedele yonke, intukuthelo. “Ngiqaphela ukuthi abantu abathambekele kakhulu ekukhipheni intukuthelo yabo bayaqhubeka bethukuthela, ababingcono,” kuphawula uTavris. “Ngiphawula imizwa eminingi ebuhlungu kulabo abasuke bethukuthelelwe.”
Incwadi ethi Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family ibika ngokufanayo ngokuhlolwa kwemibhangqwana eshadile engaphezu kwenkulungwane. Abalobi bathola ukuthi ukudedela intukuthelo akukulethi neze ukuthula. Ngokuphambene, ukuhlasela ngamazwi kwakuvame ukuholela ekuhlaseleni ngokomzimba! Siyini isizathu? Intukuthelo iyazondla. Ngalendlela ukuhlola okunjalo kuqinisekisa lokho umlobi weBhayibheli akusho emakhulwini eminyaka edlule: “Umuntu ofuthayo uyavusa ukuxabana, kepha owephuza ukuthukuthela uthulisa ingxabano.”—IzAga 15:18; qhathanisa no-29:22.
‘Thukuthelani, Ningoni’
Ngakho intukuthelo ayiwona umuzwa othile wobuzalwane ongalawuleki. Ungalawuleka futhi kumelwe ulawulwe. Nokho, ingabe lokhu kusho ukuthi ngandlela-thile kungase kungasithinti lokho okucasulayo—singabi namizwa? Cha, ngoba kwabaseEfesu 4:26 iBhayibheli liyavuma ukuthi ngezinye izikhathi siyozizwa sithukuthele ngokufanelekile: “Thukuthelani ningoni.”
Nokho, phawula ukuthi iBhayibheli alilahli intukuthelo, kodwa ukuvumela intukuthelo ilawule izenzo zomuntu! “Nomuntu ofuthekayo uvama ukuphambeka,” kusho izAga 29:22. Ngakhoke kunokukhulisa ukufutheka, “kubuse.” (Qhathanisa noGenesise 4:7.) Ngokwesibonelo, zicabange usesimweni esimane sikwenze ugane unwabu. ‘Ungayigodla kanjani intukuthelo kuze kube sekugcineni’? (izAga 29:11, qhathanisa neNW.) Ungase uqale ngokuzama iseluleko esidala ‘sokubala uze ufike eshumini’—noma kunoma yisiphi isibalo okuze kufikwe kuso ngaphambi kokuba uphole. Isihloko esithile kumagazini i-‘Teen situsa ngokuqhubekayo: “Sebenzisa amanye alawomandla entukuthelo ngokuhamba ibanga elide . . . Ungase ufune ukwenza umsebenzi owuthola uphumuza kakhulu, kungaba ukulalela umculo, ukugeza ngamanzi ashisayo, noma ukubukela ibhayisikobho.” Okungcono ngisho nangokwengeziwe, yiya kuJehova uNkulunkulu ngomthandazo, ucele usizo lwakhe ukuze uhlale upholile. “Ukuthula kukaNkulunkulu okudlula ukuqonda konke kuyakulondoloza izinhliziyo zenu nemicabango yenu.” (Filipi 4:7) Ngokungaphezulu zama ukufunda iBhayibheli noma izincwadi ezisekelwe eBhayibhelini, njengalomagazini nomngane wawo INqabayokulinda.
‘Ukubamba Intukuthelo’
IzAga 19:11 zithi: “Ukuhlakanipha komuntu kubambezela intukuthelo yakhe.” (Qhathanisa nezAga 14:29.) Ukuhlakanipha, isenzo noma amandla okubona isimo, ukuba nawo wonke amaqiniso ngendaba ngaphambi kokwenza isenzo. Ngokusebenzisa ukuhlakanipha ungase uthole ukuthi asikho neze isizathu sokucasuka.
Ngokwesibonelo, ake ucabange ngabangane bakho bephuza ukukulanda ukuze niye ebhayisikobho. Uqala ukucabanga ngazo zonke ezinye izikhathi lokhu okuye kwenzeka ngazo kuwe. Lapho ucabanga kakhulu ngakho ilapho ucasuka kakhulu! Uma ekugcineni befika, uyokwenzenjani? Uyobatshela izindaba zabo—noma uyofuna ukuthola ukuthi kwenzekeni ebangele ukuba bephuze kangaka? Cishe kunesizathu esihle. Ngaleyondlela ukuba nokuhlakanipha kungamvimbela ukuqhuma ngolaka.
Ukuhlakanipha kungahlanganisa futhi ukuthatha isikhathi uhlola imiphumela yokuphindisela ngentukuthelo. Cabangela indaba yeBhayibheli ehilela iNkosi uDavide. Lapho indoda ethiwa uNabali idelela umusa kaDavide, ngaphandle kokucabanga, uDavide waceba ukuphindisela—ukubulala! Nokho, uAbigayili, umkaNabali, wamncenga uDavide ukuba acabangele imiphumela yokuchitha igazi elingenacala. uDavide wama esenzweni sakhe. “Makubusiswe ukuhlakanipha kwakho,” kusho uDavide ku Abigayili. “Ubusiswe nawe ongivimbele namuhla ukungena ecaleni legazi.”—1 Samuweli 25:2-33.
Ukucabangela imiphumela yokuvutha ngolaka kungakuvikela ngokufanayo ekukhuliseni ngokungadingekile ukungezwani nothile osegunyeni, njengothisha noma umqashi. “Uma umoya wombusi ukuvukela, ungashiyi indawo yakho, ngokuba ukubekezela kuvimba izono ezinkulu,” kusho uSolomoni. (Umshumayeli 10:4) Ngisho nalapho impindiselo ibhekiswe kuntanga, khumbula ukuthi iBhayibheli lithi: “Ungasho ukuthi:
Njengalokho ekwenzile kimi, kanjalo ngiyakwenza kuye.”—IzAga 24:29.
Enye indlela yokubamba intukuthelo ukuqaphela lokho owondla ngakho ingqondo yakho. Imibukiso eminingi yethelevishini igcwele ubudlova. Iqiniso, abaningi bacabanga ukuthi ubudlova beTV bamabhayisikobho buthinta kuphela labo abathambekele kubo. Nokho, elinye iqembu labacwaningi, lithi “zonke izibukeli zivame ukuthinteka.”—How to Live With—And Without—Anger, nguAlbert Ellis.
Ngokuqhubekayo iBhayibheli liyeluleka kuzAga 22:24, 25: “Ungabingumngane womuntu onolaka, ungahambi nomuntu enokufutheka, funa ufunde izindlela zakhe, uthole ugibe lomphefumulo wakho.” Ingabe uyabujabulela ubungane babantu ‘abanolaka’? Khonake ungamangali uma uba nenkinga ekulawuleni intukuthelo yakho. Ngakho incwadi ethi How to Live With—And Without—Anger ikhuthaza ukuthola “izibonelo ezinhle ekuphileni kwakho . . . abantu abazizwa bezimisele ukunqoba izinto ezimbi zokuphila futhi abaqhubeka besebenzela ekwenzeni kanjalo. Khuluma nalabantu. Zama ukufunda kubo ukuthi bakwazi kanjani ukuhlala bephole ngokusesilinganisweni lapho bebhekene nezinto ezicasulayo ekuphileni.”
“Intukuthelo Esuka Ngaphakathi”
Nokho, ukumane uzibambe, kungase kungayixoshi intukuthelo isikhathi eside. Uprofesa wesayensi yengqondo uRichard Lazarus uyabhala: “Umuzwa awudingi ukuba uvuswe okuthile okungaphandle. Ungakhiwa imicabango yomuntu.” Ngokwesibonelo, owesifazane othile osemusha uyavuma ukuthi intukuthelo yakhe ezikhathini eziningi ibangwa ukucabanga ngezinto ezimenza amcasukele umuntu. “Ingqondo yami icabanga yonke imininingwane, futhi ngizithole ngiya ngokuya ngithukuthela.” Ngaphakathi ngiba nokwesaba nokucindezeleka. Kungonela lonke usuku lwami. Ngizizwa ngikhathazeka.”
Ukuxoxa nomngane kamuva ngesehlakalo esibanga ukuthukuthela nakho kungaba nomphumela wokuvusa intukuthelo futhi. Ngezinye izikhathi into engcono kakhulu engenziwa ukufinyelela umthombo waleyonto ecasulayo uzame ukulungisa indaba. Ingabe othile ukucasulile? Uma ungenakumane uyikhohlwe indaba, yiya kulowomuntu futhi uzame ukulungisa indaba. (Qhathanisa noMathewu 5:23-26.) Ngokuvamile kuye kutholakale ukuthi ukungaqondi okuncane nje okwenzekile.
Ukucasulwa kungaba kuningi kodwa, ngokuhlakanipha ungagcina umbono okhanyayo ngezindaba ezinjalo. Ungafunda ukuguqula imizwa ebulalayo ibe izenzo ezizuzisayo. Yebo, ungayilawula intukuthelo yakho!
[Isithombe ekhasini 17]
Ingabe uyazehlukanisa nalabo abanolaka?