Mine Was an Arranged Marriage
I LIVE in India and today is my wedding day, May 19, 1971. In just two hours the wedding ceremony will take place that will unite me in marriage to the man who will be my life’s partner, the one with whom I will share the joys and problems of life, but a man who, as of now, I do not know.
I had not thought seriously about marriage until a few months ago, when mother told me that a fine family had asked if she and father would give their daughter in marriage to their son.
But now here we are arriving at the hall where I will soon see the one who will be my husband. As I step into the hall I realize that he will be sitting at the front, and excitement begins to stir inside me. My mind is racing, my heart beats faster. As I take my seat beside him I cannot sit calmly. Then the Bible sermon begins, and soon I hear the firm voice of my husband making his promise to love and cherish me, and I feel more confidence.
Now it is my turn, and I am ready and willing to promise to love and deeply respect this one whom my parents have carefully, thoughtfully and lovingly selected for me as my husband.
The Custom in India
In arranging my marriage, my parents followed the general custom in India. When parents arrange a marriage in India, both of them carefully consider the personality of the girl and the boy. They try, of course, to find someone in their own community and with a similar background. In my community a teen-age girl is not allowed to talk with boys or to mix or play with them. Likewise, when a boy reaches about fourteen years of age, he is not allowed to talk with any girls. Their parents watch over them as far as possible.
Before a marriage is arranged, the girl’s parents inform themselves of the boy’s ability to support a wife, and then consider his future prospects. They look, too, to his personal appearance. They would not want a tall daughter to marry someone unusually short or in any other way to be unpleasing. And, of course, they consider the health of the one who is to become a mate of their son or daughter. My parents carefully considered these matters.
Most Indian children depend solely on their parents to select a partner for them. In fact, when hearing of the custom in the West for young persons to choose their own mate, young Indians wonder at the presumption on the part of unqualified ones to make such a serious decision. How could a young person be in any way qualified to make such a weighty decision? they wonder. Far better to leave it to those whose age and experience qualify them to know what is the wisest choice, they believe.
A friend of our family recently returned from a few years abroad in the West. He said that when he was in the United States he was puzzled as to how he was going to select his own bride. After getting used to the idea, it seemed to sound good that each person choose his own mate. But then after learning that at least one out of every four marriages ended in divorce, he felt that the Indian way might be better after all.
Even though the prospective husband and wife are not in love before marriage, from childhood they are trained to love and respect their marriage mate. So they automatically start doing it when they get married. Parents try to select for their son or daughter a marriage mate who is compatible. This certainly helps in coping with the problems of married life.
I have heard that in the West young persons do not like to have their parents choose their mate. When I look around for examples of good marriages, I consider my own parents and know that theirs has been a successful marriage. Perhaps you would like to know their story, as related by my mother.
My Mother’s Own Story
“I am the eldest girl of eight children. My father was a Bible lover, and we heard many Bible stories from his mouth. This took the place of attending church, as we lived among Hindus many miles from the church.
“Our neighbors were very friendly with our family and often invited us to their festivals, which we children enjoyed very much. Many of these people were very poor, and often the women would confide in my mother. They would discuss problems, such as husbands who were drunkards and who beat them and their children. They often told stories of not having enough food and how they starved for days. The women were illiterate and so could do little or nothing to alleviate these burdens. But whatever the case might be, these women considered their husbands next to God, and so the difficulties must be endured.
“From my very early youth there was in me a fear that I might marry a man who would be a drunkard and who could not provide for me. This did much to influence my life. Those very few who in desperation ran home to their parents were always sent back to their husbands, where they belonged. When I would hear of this, a fear grew in my mind and a determination that I would not get caught in such a state as this.
“When I was twelve years old my father died. So my mother had to provide for us. Relatives and well-wishers, to lighten my mother’s burden, suggested that I need not continue my education. But mother, being a teacher, was able to care for us and also allowed me to continue my schooling. Shortly after this my relatives exerted their efforts to arrange a marriage for me. They tried to force me to marry a doctor. I desired to study further so that if the need should ever arise I would be able to earn a living. So I pleaded with my mother that I should not marry until I first completed my studies to become a teacher. My relatives did not agree, but my tears and threat to run away and become a nun finally won my mother to my way of thinking, and she did not compel me to marry at that time. No doubt mother realized from her own experience the advantage she had had in her training.
“So, when my studies were finished, my mother and relatives once again began to arrange a marriage for me. I had not met the boy, though families often arrange for the girl and boy to meet or at least to see each other. For example, the boy and his family are invited for tea in the girl’s home, and then the girl will carry in the tea tray and serve the boy and his parents. But my fiancé lived very far from our home. I did not even know his family. However, I gave my consent, as this was expected of a dutiful Indian daughter.
“The boy’s family asked for a certain amount of jewelry to be prepared as a dowry. My mother agreed. Realizing the responsibility that was on my mother to make the jewelry, I requested that I might work and make good the cost. So it was six months later that the marriage took place.
“During those six months I kept on wondering what this boy would be like. I could not even get any information regarding him. But I often prayed to God that my husband-to-be would not be a drunkard. My father had taught us to pray, and I did believe that God would answer my prayers. Two days before the marriage the boy and his family arrived.
My Mother’s Marriage
“The young man’s family bore the expense of decorating the house and the cost of the marriage feast, including the Indian music for the celebration. Our marriage was solemnized in the church, and there was a fine, big reception. The first moments after the ceremony, when we were able to talk together, my husband asked me how I liked the arrangements, and whether I liked the jewelry that I was wearing. I answered him, saying that they were fine, and immediately I asked him what his habits are. He said that he did not drink or smoke and that he loved sports. My heart was filled with joy and I praised God. I had also wished that he might have a good job and so be able to provide a decent living. However, he was not earning much. This news did not upset me though, because the kindness and love shown toward me were worth more than the money he would ever earn.
“After staying five days at my home, I packed up my things to go and live with my husband along with his family. In my husband’s house there were eight children, my husband being the eldest. My mother-in-law was his stepmother. I had to do a lot of housework, such as cleaning, cooking and so forth. I was obedient to my mother-in-law, but she was never happy about the outcome of my work. She was always finding fault. So we finally arranged to go and live elsewhere. She asked that we take with us four of my husband’s own brothers and sisters and care for them. My husband and I discussed the matter and took on the responsibility. It was a great problem, but because I was a trained teacher I could help. I began teaching, and even though we did not earn much between us, we were happy.
“We had two sons and a daughter of our own, who brought much happiness to our marriage. And even greater happiness came to all of us when one of Jehovah’s witnesses called at our home offering to arrange for a home Bible study. This has very greatly enriched our family life, helping us to know how to solve family problems in a godly way. And it has done so much to train our children to have the right attitude toward the opposite sex and to marriage.
“When studying the Bible with these Christian witnesses of Jehovah, we learned that their beliefs did not require our conforming to the customs of Western lands. Rather, their belief required abandoning any customs that were in conflict with God’s plainly stated Word, the Bible. Certainly the knowledge of God’s Word that we have gained has given us greater understanding in the things to look for in choosing a marriage mate for our daughter. For we know that a young man who loves and serves Jehovah and is guided by his principles and laws for husbands and wives will care for our daughter as we would ourselves. We know too that by arranging a marriage with parents of a boy who also put their faith in Jehovah God, who first arranged marriage, we will not be cheated or misled, as some have been.
“For example, we have heard of parents arranging a marriage, as in the case of one young man with brilliant qualifications. He was well educated and well traveled. When it came time for his marriage, he asked that he might have an intelligent, well-educated girl. His parents found such a girl for him, whose countenance was fresh and bright, promising an intelligent mind and the possibility of a ‘meeting of minds’ with their intelligent son. On the day of the marriage the boy lifted her veil to place the “mangal sudra,” the gold chain that is worn instead of a wedding ring, around her neck, only to find a face that was dull, pockmarked and much older than anticipated. The older sister had been substituted! Rather than create a commotion, he went through with the marriage and has since lived a very disappointing and discouraging life with one entirely unsuited to him. He is an object of pity by all the village.
“Now I have been married twenty-five years, and I know that mine has been a fine, happy marriage. We were happy when our daughter agreed with our arranging her marriage. We have found someone who we know is quite suited to her. She has been a good daughter, so we know that she is also going to make a good wife.”
My Marriage
From my mother’s own story you can see that my parents have had experience, and from their counsel I could see how important it is to watch our behavior as we are growing up. Whenever we are before others, we do not know who may be observing us. If our conduct is not good, how could we ever expect that someone fine would choose us as a mate for their son? Should it be otherwise, we would spend the rest of our lives regretting that we had not been able to have a good marriage.
Now the marriage ceremony is over, and we are taking leave of the crowd and getting into the car to go for a short interval before the reception. It is our first opportunity to have a few words together. I am so thrilled to find that my husband is better than any that I could have imagined or wished for. He is so kind to me. My heart overflows with joy and love when he says to me in these first moments: “If I do wrong, you must correct me, and I will correct you whenever you go wrong. We must always have understanding between us.” He talked too about our helping each other spiritually by studying the Bible together.
I am very happy now to begin my married life with such a wonderful partner. I am really thankful to Jehovah God, as well as to my loving parents who have taken so much care to get me such a fine husband.—Contributed.