Children, Innocent Victims of Divorce

What is the solution?

“AFTER Dad moved out, Mom went to work, and my brothers and I pretty much had to raise ourselves. We got used to coming home to an empty house. In fact, we’d invite our friends over to get ‘stoned’ after school. As I got older, I thought about marriage, but I didn’t have the slightest idea what would make a marriage succeed or fail.”​—Rob (parents divorced when he was nine).

“Dad tried to raise us and be strict, but he didn’t know how to talk to us, and he was usually too tired to try. I had to find out the facts of life on my own. I was married at 17, and divorced a few years later, with a little baby. My husband and I could not communicate at all.”​—Mary* (parents divorced when she was seven).

These are the comments of children who became victims of a worldwide surge in marital breakups. In the Soviet Union 30 out of 100 marriages fail. Japan averages a divorce every four minutes. The number of divorce petitions in Britain has increased fivefold since 1961. In the United States, about half of all marriages end in divorce.

Unhappy mates may look upon divorce as a way to solve their problems, but what is it doing to their children?

There is mounting evidence that family unhappiness is causing children emotional problems ranging from bed-wetting and poor grades to severe depression. In Britain, where 200,000 children watch their parents split up yearly, a schoolmaster says, “I have not met a problem pupil who has not experienced a disturbed family background.”

But what if husband and wife are always fighting? Wouldn’t it be better for the children if their parents got a divorce?

Psychology Today magazine answers that a recent five-year study of over 100 ‘children of divorce’ revealed that divorce is not good for children. Even children in very unhappy homes did not want their parents to get divorced Indeed, five years after the divorce most of these children were not happy, and over one third were seriously depressed. Why?

Experts agree that when a child sees his family splitting up “he feels his world is shattered.” Young children may even conclude that the whole thing is their fault, that Daddy went away because they were bad. This can give rise to severe emotional problems. “I thought maybe I’d acted mean to my mother and my sister and I was being punished by God,” said one little girl regarding her parents’ divorce.

Divorce almost always creates financial strain, especially for the parent with custody of the children. The situation is even worse if the parent must move and the child suddenly loses his friends and neighborhood as well as one of his parents. Problems that children have at this time can affect them years later.

“I lived with Mom for a while after the divorce,” says Mary. “But she had to work nights just to make enough to support us. She tried to be a good mother, but often she could only give me some money to buy candy for my brothers and sister and then leave us alone. You know, that’s about how I wound up treating my little daughter. I guess I felt that if I had survived, she could too.”

Mary feels that her treatment as a child of divorce affected her later as a wife and mother. Is her case unusual? Apparently not.

Extensive surveys indicate that children of divorce, when grown, are more likely to have marital problems than are children of intact families. As adults, they are also more likely to be bothered by crying spells, insomnia, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and despair, say psychologists. In view of this, how valid is the popular notion that children settle down within a few years after divorce and become happier than before?

If the mere fact of divorce is enough to shatter a child’s world, what happens when the legal arguments regarding hostilities enter the picture?

“I’d like to see us get divorce out of the court system,” says an Atlanta judge. “Once divorce gets into the court system, lawyers take adversary postures and want to fight.” Such fighting can create needless bitterness for parents and children.

One woman wrote: “My lawyer wants me to bring an action against my husband to remove him from the house . . . to change all the locks on the doors and claim that my husband is dangerous and violent. My husband does not really act that way, but my lawyer says it would look better for me for the final settlement if I do this. He says it’s done all the time. I know it would upset my children.”

Of course, not all lawyers give that kind of advice. Nevertheless, as the judge pointed out, the very “adversary” nature of many legal systems encourages such tactics. Hence, one Atlanta attorney simply refuses to take divorce cases to court, offering instead to act as a mediator​—but he is an exception.

What about the new “no-fault” laws? Are they not supposed to take the fighting out of divorce? They are not working out that way. Now, instead of fighting about who caused the marriage to break down, lawyers fight over money and the children.

If children are pressured or bribed to take sides in custody fights, they can suffer real damage. When a 13-year-old girl was allowed by the courts to choose which parent she wanted to live with, she became “totally confused.” Worse still is the plight of the estimated 25,000 children who are kidnapped every year by their own parents in custody disputes. Such parents may “go underground” with their children, refusing even to enroll them in school for fear they will be caught as kidnappers.

Some people feel that joint custody is the solution, but this results in children being shifted from one home to another “like shuttlecocks,” according to one British school official, causing them to become disoriented. The official added, “I am convinced that this is more upsetting to the child than the previous divorce pattern.”

If the children are having difficulty adjusting to their new circumstances, might this be solved by taking them to a counselor or a psychologist? University of Rochester professor Christopher Lasch writes in a recent book that the rise of such ‘helping professions’ has done more harm than good​—reducing the family to the role of a passive ‘consumer of advice.’ “The only solution is to persuade people they’re actually able to solve their own problems,” he says.

Illustrating the danger in some current psychological theories is the case of a New York City clinical psychologist and divorced father. When his ex-wife remarried, with her having custody of their son, the father dropped out of his son’s life. Why? His theories dictated that “noninterference on my part would be beneficial to the boy in that he wouldn’t be conflicted with split loyalties.” The result? “Apparently my misguided altruism, despite considerable research in the professional literature, has worsened matters to a horrendous degree.” His son was arrested for auto theft.

What that boy really needed was a father who would show genuine interest in him. If this expert had done more of his research in mankind’s oldest and most widely circulated guide to human behavior, he might have found this statement: “A son is wise where there is a father’s discipline, but the ridiculer is one that has not heard rebuke.”​—Prov. 13:1.

The above statement is found in the Bible. Whether you believe that the Bible is God’s Word or not, you likely know that it has been looked to for advice about family life for thousands of years. Theories on marriage and divorce have changed again and again over the years, but the Bible continues to provide practical solutions for people in every situation of life.

Perhaps you always thought of the Bible as an “other-worldly” book for religious people. It may surprise you to hear it described as a guide to human behavior or a practical guide in marital matters, but why not look into it for yourself? That’s what Rob and Mary, ‘children of divorce,’ have done, along with thousands of others. “The Bible has given me tremendous insight into how to make a marriage work,” says Rob. “It has given me a lot of confidence I didn’t have before.”

What does the Bible say that is so different?

Good Advice About Marriage and Divorce

For one thing, the Bible gives people a view of marriage that can help them to avoid divorce altogether. It states clearly that God is the Author of marriage and that he regards it as something worth preserving.​—Gen. 2:21-25; Matt. 19:3-6.

By contrast, modern “experts” often speak of marriage as a social convenience. One such psychologist, himself divorced, stated: “So long as two people find contentment built around a happy relationship, they are willing to keep things the way they are. But when this feeling has changed because the relationship is frustrating and no longer conducive to happiness, productiveness, and the satisfactory nurturance of the children, then I see nothing wrong with dissolving the marriage.” What fruitage has this viewpoint borne?

“My first husband and I never really worked to keep our marriage together,” admits Mary. “We couldn’t talk things out. When problems came up, it was easy for me to think of getting a divorce instead of fighting to save the marriage.” After studying the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mary remarried with a different viewpoint. “I’m extremely happy with my marriage,” she says, and it shows in her face. “My husband has made it a major goal to have a good family life, and so have I. Sure, it takes work, but knowing how God feels about our marriage makes us want to keep it in good shape, and that has made all the difference.”

Can the Bible Help You?

Many millions of people are not happy with their marriages today and are considering divorce at this very moment. They see divorce as the only solution to their problems, the only way out of an unhappy life-style. But is it?

No, there is a better way. A way that will result in lasting happiness for both the marriage partners and their children, without the tangled problems and difficult side effects of divorce. What is it?

Applying the Bible’s counsel to save the marriage.

Perhaps you think this is impossible, but as Jesus Christ said, “all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:27) Jehovah’s Witnesses are happy to provide Bible-based help free of charge to all sorts of persons with marital problems. They can cite numerous cases of marriages on the rocks that were saved with the aid of the counsel in the Bible. A right view of marriage is indeed possible, along with the practical advice on family life needed to make such a marriage a successful reality. If you are having trouble in your marriage, why not contact Jehovah’s Witnesses and give God’s Word an opportunity to help you?

[Footnotes]

[Blurb on page 18]

When a child sees his family splitting up, he feels his world is shattered

[Blurb on page 19]

If children are pressured or bribed to take sides in custody fights, they can suffer real damage

[Box on page 20]

MARRIAGES BASED ON THIS KIND OF LOVE NEVER FAIL

“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”​—1 Cor. 13:4-8.