Young People Ask . . .
How Can I Get Along With Others?
“DO ANY of you feel that you don’t get along with others?” asked Robert Conklin, author and researcher in the field of human relations. Rarely, however, does he find someone who says Yes. Yet of 1,000 people whom he asked to list their ‘three greatest pet peeves,’ 998 indicated that ‘their biggest gripes in life were caused by other people.’
Conklin concluded that in actuality such people are saying: “I feel I get along with you fine and dandy until you do something I don’t like. Then I stop getting along with you, inside. I become irritated, aggravated, frustrated.”
Is this how you feel at times about people that you know? Such feelings—whether they are expressed or remain locked up inside—can prevent peaceful relations with others. Yet a life filled with meaning and substance is greatly dependent on your ability to get along well with others.
But what are some of the positive steps that you can take to better your relations with others?
Communicate
Be willing to talk with people! Good communication builds strong relationships. To get along with others we must be willing not only to share our feelings but also to listen.
An outstanding example shows the value of listening. Once Jesus Christ met a Samaritan woman at a well and engaged her in conversation. His request, “Give me a drink,” started that conversation. (John 4:5-26) Jesus attentively listened to her views. As a result, this Samaritan woman was drawn closer to him. Jesus communicated. He knew how to listen as well as how to talk. “Of all of the actions that can make another human being feel significant and worthwhile,” wrote Robert Conklin, “there is none more vital than skilled listening.”
Communication also helps you to get along with your parents. Often the home can be a battlefield. But 17-year-old Don says: “My parents and I are pretty close because we’re honest and open with each other.” But does being “open” mean that you can be harsh or brutally blunt? “Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt, so as to know how you ought to give an answer to each one,” advises the Bible. Is this advice really practical?—Colossians 4:6.
Well, when your expressions are “seasoned with salt,” they gain greater acceptance. For instance, even if you were upset with another, there is a big difference between blurting out: “You make me sick!” and calmly saying: “What you said to me yesterday after school hurt my feelings.” Which statement would be more easily “digested” and likely produce the better results?
However, just as important in getting along with others is knowing when to say something. Solomon, a wise king of ancient Israel, compared “a word spoken at the right time for it” to “apples of gold in silver carvings.” (Proverbs 25:11) Golden apples set by a craftsman in a background of silver were prized possessions in ancient Israel—so, too, the value of knowing when to speak and when not to. The right words said in the right way and at the right time are ‘building blocks’ of good relationships with others.
Acknowledge the Good in Others
How do you feel when others genuinely comment favorably about your personality, skills, and so forth? Don’t you enjoy it? Though flattery—insincere or excessive praise—can repel, truthful expressions of merit can do much to foster feelings of closeness.
“We may tend to think less of ourselves, not considering our good qualities,” admitted Tim. Yet this young man, acknowledging the drawing power of sincere commendation, explained: “To have someone say nice things about you is rewarding and I enjoy being around people like that.” Don’t you feel the same way?
Jesus knew this and acknowledged the good in others. To Nathanael, who later became one of his apostles, he said, “See, an Israelite for a certainty, in whom there is no deceit.” (John 1:47) Jesus made this appraisal while undoubtedly being aware of Nathanael’s very belittling query about Jesus’ hometown: “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” (John 1:46) Rather than be offended, Jesus drew attention to Nathanael’s exceptional qualities. There followed an abiding friendship.
Do you, like Jesus, overlook minor flaws and search for finer jewels of personality in others? ‘But some people just get on my nerves! No matter how nice you try to be they are irritable!’ exclaim many. True, people have their faults. Nonetheless, being able to maintain a peaceful relationship still depends on mastering perhaps the most important quality needed to get along with others. That quality is understanding.
Be Understanding
How would you react if you were driving along and saw a young man waving his hands and gesturing for you to stop. But you do not. Suddenly the young man throws a rock striking your car. You stop, get out of the car and start toward him.
Many thoughts flood your mind: He must pay for the damages. Why are people so vindictive? I cannot let him get away with this. You get closer and observe a tearful and nervous figure before you. He explains, ‘I had to get you to stop.’ You now observe just beyond him another young man who is badly injured, lying in the grass in need of assistance. Now you see the whole of the matter and you certainly feel differently about the young man standing beside you. Yes, you understand!
Many persons are besieged by difficult, at times hopelessly frustrating, problems. Others are emotionally very insecure, perhaps due to their upbringing or a bad family environment. Others may feel heavy pressure or even oppression, which even the Bible says can “make a wise one act crazy.” (Ecclesiastes 7:7) All of this may contribute to their irritability and cause them to say things that they later regret. Can you be “big” enough to make allowances for that type of thing and overlook it?—Proverbs 19:11.
Understanding can help us search for an answer to questions such as: Why does he act that way? or, Why can’t he listen to reason? Not drawing hasty conclusions about others promotes understanding. This is a lesson that 27-year-old Scott has learned. He confessed: “I had the tendency to form an opinion about a person from one brief incident or encounter. I allowed this to affect the way I treated and felt about that one.” However, he changed and found that he could get along better with others. He added: “I now have found it better not to prejudge a person but to allow time to get to know the whole person. I try to understand the whys and wherefores of his actions.”
Of course, there will be times when you will fail to show the needed understanding. You may not always be the man of discernment that is “cool of spirit.” (Proverbs 17:27) When this happens, haven’t you found it necessary to salve the hurt feelings of someone close to you, perhaps saying, ‘I am sorry, I apologize, I just did not understand’?
So pursue better relations with others. Learn to communicate. Let others know that you appreciate their good qualities. Strive to see why others do things, try to understand. Your putting these principles to work in your life can be richly rewarding to you and to those with whom you associate.
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Knowing when to speak is a ‘building block’ of good relationships with others
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“There will be times when you will fail to show the needed understanding”
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Look beyond actions and try to cultivate understanding