Do You Need a Marriage Counselor?
“WHEN Mom and Dad had problems they had family and friends to turn to. But my job has stranded us a thousand miles from home. Our marriage is falling apart. Jane and I have no one to turn to but a marriage counselor.”
John and Jane are young. They are Christians. And they are newlyweds. John is lamenting a time long gone and far away when his great-grandparents were newlyweds, about the turn of this century. At that time divorce was not as common as it is now—it was enough then to ruin a person’s reputation! Shortly after World War II his grandparents were still living in the “old home place,” amid the traditional network of relatives, friends, the Sunday preacher and the family doctor. They were successfully holding their marriage together at a time when the divorce rate had exploded by about 300 percent.
It had gone up another 20 percent by the time John’s parents got married. Today John and Jane are embarking on married life in a world where 60 percent of marriages in Sweden end in divorce, 44 percent in the United States, 43 percent in the Dominican Republic, 30 percent in Germany and England, and 28 percent in the Soviet Union.
Mobile societies, industrial turmoil, political coups, modern education and religious upheavals throw families into a maelstrom of confusion. Many family members no longer identify with the traditional roles of husbands, wives and children. In America, Sweden, England and South America marriage values are changing. Many see marriage as a throw-away affair, no longer a lifelong commitment.
Lax moral attitudes, alcoholism, drugs, economic independence for women, status seeking, self-interest overreaching mutual concerns, depression, nuclear fears, romantic notions of love—all are blamed for the modern instability of marriage. Yet no matter how many scapegoats are found, Dr. Emily Mudd, a professor of family studies at the University of Pennsylvania, maintains that contentions between family members usually boil down to one basic complaint: “A person fails to consider his spouse’s feelings, needs, values and goals, or acts in disregard of them.”—The Encyclopedia of Mental Health.
In the case of Christian couples, like John and Jane, with marital problems, it may be a failure in some respects to “put on the new personality” and to exercise such godly qualities as love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness and self-control.—Ephesians 4:22-24; Galatians 5:22, 23.
The Marriage Counselor
John and Jane still love each other, so how will they try to save their marriage? They plan to go to a stranger, a professional marriage counselor. But what are they getting involved in?
The professional marriage counselor is a modern phenomenon. He—or she—appeared on the scene in very recent decades—but at what a pace! “Counseling by child psychiatrists or family counselors has become a major growth industry,” according to the magazine U.S.News & World Report. A growing army of professional counselors—psychiatrists, psychologists, clergymen (pastoral counselors), doctors, lawyers, teachers, marriage and family therapists, social workers and persons with degrees in behavioral science—have replaced the felicitous but nonprofessional counselors and advisers of bygone days.
After World War II, marriage counseling began to gain popularity in the United States. Now leading educational institutions have proliferated with masters and doctoral degrees in a field that has become a health profession on its own.
What Is Marriage Counseling?
Marriage counseling is, according to the Michigan, U.S.A., board that certifies marriage counselors, “guidance, testing, discussions, therapy, instruction, or the giving of advice, the principal purpose of which is to avoid, eliminate, relieve, manage or resolve marital conflicts or discord, or create, improve, or restore marital harmony.”
That sounds exactly like what John and Jane need. However, this is but one of hundreds of definitions of marriage counseling. The science of behavior (of the body, the mind, the nervous system) is one thing. Efforts to apply that science has spawned myriads of theories and practices. Psychologist Allen S. Bernsten of Floridaa describes four schools of psychotherapy that, in turn, break up into 130 subschools:
Analytical: The therapist tries to explore unconscious motivations or why you behave the way you do. He explores earlier childhood memories, which may open insights into your actions now.
Behavioral: In this approach he is less concerned about your inner motivations. Rather, he tries to change your undesirable habits or behavior by training and conditioning.
Humanistic: In this approach the therapist places greater emphasis on self-awareness, self-growth, self-responsibility, to bring about changes in you and your actions.
Transpersonal: He tries to help you rise above it all and merge with some “universal will.” This one can get really mystical.
One survey concluded that 64 percent of marriage counselors make up their own style out of a profusion of theories and methods. Yet many counselors seem to have a similar aim. Dr. Usha Anand, a marriage counselor in India, wrote that “the aim of marital counseling . . . is to strengthen the family unit and family unity.” Professor of child and family relations at the University of Connecticut, Dr. Eleanor Luckey, describes marriage counseling as “counseling two individuals plus a relationship.”
And counselors do share a common goal: communication. They try to develop and build more effective methods of communication between the couple.
Are They Qualified?
Some states and countries license marriage counselors as a separate profession. However, according to Australian psychiatrist Dr. William Carrington, due to a shortage of trained counselors, there are many subprofessionals doing marriage counseling in Great Britain, Australia and New Zealand. In some countries in Africa, Asia and South America marriage counseling is being performed by seemingly untrained priests, ministers, physicians, educators and community leaders.
“Marriage counseling,” concludes psychologist and counselor Dr. William Nichols, “is an emergent profession, a quasi-profession, and an amateur activity, a field that is populated by highly skilled, clinically sophisticated practitioners at one extreme and by well meaning but incompetent amateurs at the other.”
So John and Jane have to do a lot of investigating if they go ahead with their plan to consult a marriage counselor. But, as a young married couple, there is one item of information they are doubtless intensely interested in:
How Much Does It Cost?
In the United States fees vary from free counseling at some community mental health centers to hourly rates for nonprofit clinics based on a sliding scale up to $45 or so. Private practitioners, from social workers to psychiatrists, charge from $35 to $150—whatever the market will bear.
Is marriage counseling effective? “Many counselors say two-thirds of their clients are helped,” according to Consumer Life Magazine. Psychologist Morris B. Parloff of the National Institute of Mental Health says, “All forms of psychotherapy tend to be reasonably useful for patients who are highly motivated, experience acute discomfort, show a high degree of personality organization, are reasonably well educated, have had some history of social success and recognition, are reflective, and can experience and express emotion.”
However, many pros and cons are thrown about. Internationally known marriage counselor Jay Haley concludes that therapists are sure neither of their techniques nor of their results. That is why, he says, they are reluctant to publish their findings.
[Footnotes]
a Dr. Bernsten emphasizes the difference between general counseling (the philosophy) and therapy (the science). While the difference in some cases may be mostly a matter of degree, it is in therapy that the professional treats deep-seated neurotic problems.