Teenage Marriage—Pleasure or Pain?
IT WAS a beautiful wedding. The handsome groom looked so mature for his 19 years, and his 18-year-old bride just beamed in her gorgeous pink-trimmed white gown. Don and Maureen were a “perfect match”—he, the football team captain, and she, chief cheerleader. In a small chapel they exchanged vows, surrounded by her parents and many of their close friends.
Maureen thus joined the ranks of nearly half a million teenage brides who wed each year in the United States alone. Like the others, she hoped for marital bliss. “But deep inside I was scared,” revealed Maureen. “Though this was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life, I felt uneasy, wondering if I’d really be happy.” Why such apprehension?
Why Wed So Young?
Maureen was pregnant. She and Don had dated each other since she was 16 and gradually they became more intimate in their expressions of affection. “We had talked about getting married, but sometime in the future. I wanted to further my education and he was just starting into college sports,” stated Maureen. “But we were in a small town and my parents had a lot of friends, so for their sake we thought it was best for us to get married. And we both loved each other dearly.”
Yes, an illegitimate pregnancy often pushes many teens into marriage. A young expectant mother’s fear of rearing a child without a husband can be terrifying. However, Dr. F. F. Furstenberg, after his 1976 study of over 400 teenage mothers, concluded: “It hardly matters whether the mother marries. In time, she may be almost as likely as the unwed mother to bear the major, if not the sole, responsibility for supporting her child.” So to marry simply to legitimize premarital pregnancy is a shaky foundation for marriage.
Though from one third to one half of all teenage marriages involve a premarital pregnancy, this certainly is not the only reason for young marriages. The desire to marry is natural. Marriage is a gift from our Creator who implanted this desire within us. Nor is a young marriage necessarily wrong. Even today, in some places, teenage marriages are common. In such areas, however, the close support of the family and a more relaxed or stable community environment often help the couple to adjust.
Nevertheless, many who marry young do so to escape a bad situation at home. But is marriage a cure-all? Vicky, who married as a teenager, had a painful homelife. She admitted: “Communication was my problem at home. It was also my husband’s problem with his family. Now that we’re married, what do you think is our problem? Communication!” However, this teenage couple worked to overcome this problem. Improvement was painfully slow. Yet they strove to follow Bible standards and preserved their marriage.
Some others wed young to slip away from an unhappy school or community situation. Many youths head for the altar because they want the status of appearing grown up, while others want to imitate their newly wedded friends. Glamorous images of marriage, as well as sexually stimulating material, pour forth from today’s TV/movie screens and literature. For many, marriage seems a way to satisfy those romantic fantasies.
Over and above these reasons, Dr. Lee Burchinal, a leading authority in the field of youthful marriages, pointed to what is considered a major cause. He noted a study that found that girls who married as teenagers “had started dating younger, . . . gone steady more often, been ‘in love’ more frequently, dated more frequently at younger ages.”
This proved true in Maureen’s case. “I started going with boys when I was 14 and had a steady boyfriend at 15,” she admitted. “I also had a lot of problems at home. My mother and I couldn’t get along at all. I couldn’t stand her telling me what to do, so when I turned 18 I moved out and lived with two other girls. Finally, I broke the news to Mom that Don and I were getting married. But I’ll never forget what happened after a one-day honeymoon.”
“I Was Miserable”
“It seemed that I changed overnight,” revealed Maureen. “I was angry with Don that I was pregnant. I didn’t want a baby and I felt trapped. I kept thinking, ‘You did this to me! You got me to go against my conscience. I knew it was wrong!’ I started losing respect and love for him right from the start.” Though Don tried to be kind and considerate, he was nevertheless saddled with the task of trying to please a resentful, short-tempered wife, hold down a job and fight off his own burning desire to participate in sports. The pressure got to him and he relieved it by drinking and leaving the house for hours—and eventually days—at a time.
“I kept nagging him and was constantly hurting him by yelling and screaming,” admitted Maureen. “But I was miserable. I felt so guilty over what we did before marriage. Then, when the baby arrived, things just got worse. Everything Don did irritated me—even the way he smacked his lips when we ate. Finally, we both couldn’t take it anymore.” Maureen and Don became a painful statistic—divorced after one year and nine months. Though extreme, their situation is not rare.
“One Unchallenged Bit of Information”
Marcia Lasswell has done considerable research in the field of marriage. In 1974, as professor of Behavioral Science at California State University, she wrote: “If there is one unchallenged bit of information we have concerning whether or not a marriage will last, it is that those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.” The charts at the left show the results of over 19,000,000 first marriages consummated between 1950 and 1970. By 1975 many of these had already broken up. Which were the most unstable? Look at the proportion of divorces and separations based on the age at the first marriage. A man who married as a teenager was more than twice as likely to divorce or separate as one who waited till 25 to marry. A teenage woman was three times more likely to do so!
[Charts]
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RESULTS OF ALL FIRST MARRIAGES IN THE UNITED STATES 1950-70
As of June 1975
WOMEN
Percentage Age at first
Divorced marriage
or Separated
100
90
80
70 14-19
60
50
40
20-24
30
25-29
20 30+
10
0
RESULTS OF ALL FIRST MARRIAGES IN THE UNITED STATES 1950-70
As of June 1975
MEN
Percentage Age at first
Divorced marriage
or Separated
100
90
80
70
60
50
14-19
40
30
20-24
20
25-29
30+
10
0
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Source: Current Population Survey, June 1975,
Divorce and separation are not the only indicators of an unhappy marriage. The charts in the right column of the next page represent the results of in-depth interviews with over 80 couples. One half of these wed when one of the spouses was under 19 years of age and still attending high school, whereas the others married between the ages of 21 and 26. They were asked: ‘If you could live your life over again, would you postpone marriage?’ and ‘Did you feel not prepared for what marriage brought?’ Which group had more individuals who wished that they had waited? Other investigations have found that from one third to over one half of young husbands and wives reported that they regretted marrying when they did!
[Charts]
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WOULD YOU HAVE POSTPONED YOUR MARRIAGE?
Percentage Couples where Couples married
answering one was under between
“Yes” 19 years of age 21 and 26
100
90
80
70
60
50
40
Wife
Husb.
30
20
10
Husb.
Wife
0
DID YOU FEEL NOT PREPARED FOR WHAT MARRIAGE BROUGHT?
Percentage Couples where Couples married
answering one was under between
“Yes” 19 years of age 21 and 26
100
90
80
70
60
50
40
Wife
30
Husb.
20
10
Husb.
Wife
0
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Source: Social and Psychological Factors Associated with High School Marriages, by Rachel M. Inselberg.
But what if you are already in a teenage marriage? Does this mean it is doomed? Not at all! In fact, knowledge of the dangers of early marriage may have just the reverse effect. Many teens work that much harder to make their marriage successful, viewing the handicap as a challenge. And when they sincerely pray to the Author of marriage for help they can be assured of ‘power beyond normal’ to aid them. This is what Vicky and Mark found.—2 Corinthians 4:7.
Yes, there are exceptions to teenage marriages’ bringing only pain. James and Ann, for example, married as teenagers. But, after 11 years of successful marriage, when asked if they would take the same course again, James straightforwardly replied, “I most certainly would! I have no reservations about our marriage.” Ann, his bride at 18, added: “Though we’ve had problems just like any other couple, we’ve always been able to sit down and talk things out.”
What made the difference between James and Ann’s marriage and that of Maureen and Don? Why can a youthful marriage bring pain to some and pleasure to others? The following article will provide answers.
[Blurb on page 13]
“Those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.” Does this family counselor know something you should know?