My Heart Was Filled With Hatred
HOW vivid my recollection is! The young soldier had been left behind when his patrol moved out of the area. He was surrounded by a mob of jeering, threatening women. Then their ranks parted to allow a gunman through. He fired and left quickly. Yes, the young soldier had been killed.
Because of my bitter hatred for anything British, I felt little sorrow or compassion as the young man was carried away, his arm dangling from the stretcher. This was the enemy. His uniform was the symbol of those I considered the oppressors of my people. He was a soldier and we were at war.
That incident took place some years ago in strife-torn Belfast, Northern Ireland. Let me tell you how I became filled with hatred—and more importantly, how I learned to eradicate it from my heart.
An Atmosphere of Hatred
When I was a very young girl, my family lived in an area of Belfast where Protestant and Catholic families were able to live and work together peacefully. But sectarian troubles began to get more bitter as civil rights protests gave way to violence and murder. Many times gangs of Protestant youths chased my brothers and beat them severely with metal-studded belts. These gangs rampaged through our part of the city, threatening residents and damaging property. After many threats that culminated in the placing of a bomb on the windowsill of our home, we were forced to leave the area and move to what became a Republican Catholic ghetto.
That was a time of brutal sectarian murders, tit-for-tat killings. For instance, the brother of a young school friend of mine was murdered while standing at the roadside. Such terrifying acts of violence, as well as the discrimination that I felt was being shown against Catholics in housing and employment, developed in me a desire to do anything I could to change things.
Into Paramilitary Activities
Having seen my friends in uniform, I wanted to be like them. So, as a young schoolgirl, I joined the junior branch of a Catholic paramilitary organization. As I listened to all the propaganda, my young heart was filled with hatred for those I viewed as enemies of my people. By attending meetings with others of similar ideals, I was imbued with fervour for ‘the cause’—freedom for the Irish! My job? To watch for army patrols, distribute propaganda and keep on the lookout for any persons who might show friendliness toward the security forces.
Later I was accepted into the women’s branch of the organization. There my hatred for anything British gained fuller expression. Along with others, I harassed army and police patrols, shouting at and spitting on members of the security forces and sharing in demonstrations in favour of the Republican cause. At times I also carried weapons for male members of our group when they took part in a shooting or a robbery. If we were stopped by an army patrol, it was easier for a young woman to avoid being searched.
I never really reasoned things out, never thought beyond the goal of getting the British out of Ireland. As far as I was concerned, I was right and they were wrong. I suppressed any feeling of sympathy for the victims of violent acts of terrorism. We saw ourselves as freedom fighters warring against an enemy of our people, and the basic philosophy was that war justifies any act of violence. If there were innocent victims of any violent acts stemming from hatred, that was just too bad!
In time I was arrested and charged with carrying weapons for an attempted “knee-capping.” Two members of our group were to inflict the actual punishment, smashing the victim’s knees by shooting a bullet through them. Because of my youthfulness, eventually I was freed with only a recorded sentence. The short time spent in Armagh prison prior to my trial only intensified my hatred for the police force, prison system and judiciary, whom I viewed as oppressors.
Religious Upbringing
My religious upbringing did nothing to stem the growing hatred in my heart. Indeed, my religion was inextricably entwined with my nationalism. I grew up viewing Protestants as a threat and a danger to me and my family. My hatred matched that expressed toward those of our Catholic community by fanatics of the other side.
It never occurred to me that there was any contradiction between attending Mass and praying to God as a Catholic, while having intense hatred for a British soldier who might also be Catholic. If there ever was a conflict between my nationalism and my religion, nationalism would win. Thus I could accept the idea of one of my companions’ shooting a fellow Catholic if he wore a British uniform.
Of course, some sincere priests did make speeches condemning violence. But this had little effect, since it seldom was backed up by any action against those involved in terrorism. What was a young, impressionable person to think when she saw a terrorist buried with full church honours? On one such occasion, I was part of the funeral party for a dead associate. Shots were fired over his tricolour-draped coffin. I marched in uniform to the chapel and attended the Mass. In my eyes, this was a military funeral and the priest’s involvement implied God’s approval of our cause.
There was no sense of guilt for anything I was doing. In fact, never did any priest directly advise me to get out of paramilitary activities.
Learning the Truth
By then I was totally immersed in the cause, firmly believing it to be right. I saw the injustices of the other side, gullibly believing all the reports of atrocities and evils and ignoring the brutal excesses of my side in the fight. Yet, common sense and decency began to indicate that something was terribly wrong.
While struggling to make some sense of the dilemma produced by nationalistic differences and violent attempts to remedy wrongs, I came in contact with Jehovah’s Witnesses. Why, they were talking about the things I thought I was fighting for—peace, justice and freedom! Were they just another form of Protestantism? No. Despite initial suspicions, I found them quite different. They really did keep themselves separate from politics, and their whole appeal was to the Bible.
To illustrate: Early in my discussions, I asked the Witness calling on my family what she thought of the Protestant religious leader who seemed to me to be the power behind anti-Catholic and anti-Republican actions. Instead of taking sides, she asked: “What would Jesus have done under these circumstances? Whose side would he have taken?”
That question, “What would Jesus have done?” helped me to see the correct answers to many questions that arose in my study of the Bible. For instance, I had to consider what Jesus would have done when I thought about my involvement in violent protests over what I saw as injustices. At first, I was a bit like the Jewish nationalists of Jesus’ day who wanted to get the Romans out of Judea. But I came to appreciate that Jesus would have been neutral, as he instructed his followers to be. His Kingdom was no part of this world.—John 15:19; 17:16; 18:36.
In time it became clear to me that God’s Kingdom by Jesus Christ has a far grander purpose. It will remove all oppressive forms of government and all kinds of injustice. (Daniel 2:44) And just think! This will be accomplished without any innocent victims, and I could well live to see it!
Since I did not want to be indoctrinated again, I kept checking things in my Catholic Bible. I learned that God’s name is Jehovah, and I was thrilled about his purpose to make the whole earth a paradise in which the meek will find delight in the abundance of peace. (Psalm 37:10, 11; Luke 23:43) But could I really trust Jehovah’s Witnesses? Well, I began attending meetings at their Kingdom Hall, and my association with them built up my confidence. Here were people who really are neutral and who practise what they preach.
Among Jehovah’s Witnesses I met people from a Protestant paramilitary background. They had renounced violence as a way of getting peace with justice. Initially they had felt just as convinced of the rightness of their cause as I had been of mine, and they had once had a bitter hatred of anything Catholic or Republican. But they had broken free from nationalistic ideas and the hatred these had produced. This helped me to appreciate what Jesus said: “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”—John 8:32.
Freedom From Hatred
In my heart I knew that Jesus Christ would not get involved in political strife and terrorism. But it seemed as though I was in a trap, and it was not easy to break free. In time other members of my family stopped associating with Jehovah’s Witnesses, and to continue our Bible study my sister and I had to cross the “peace line” that divides the Catholic and Protestant areas of Belfast. At first we feared for our safety each time we crossed it. But as we advanced in our understanding of the Bible, gradually this fear gave way to real confidence in Jehovah’s protection.
Once, when I was just learning Bible truth, I was sitting with others in a Republican club as we received news of a particularly deadly ambush of British soldiers in Northern Ireland. I found that I could no longer join in the cheering that greeted such reports. Surely, Jesus would not have cheered. His counsel was: “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them.” (Matthew 7:12) I knew it was not right to rejoice over people being blown to bits.
That incident impressed upon me what blind hatred can do to people, and I no longer wanted any part of it. Looking back now, how glad I am to have learned about a loving Creator with a marvelous and loving purpose for this earth and mankind! Today it is a real joy to use my life full time in helping others to acquire this same Bible-based hope. And I am thankful, indeed, that my heart no longer is filled with hatred.—Contributed.
[Blurb on page 9]
“Terrifying acts of violence . . . developed in me a desire to do anything I could to change things”
[Blurb on page 10]
“What was a young, impressionable person to think when she saw a terrorist buried with full church honours?”
[Blurb on page 10]
“What would Jesus have done under these circumstances? Whose side would he have taken?”
[Blurb on page 11]
“Among Jehovah’s Witnesses I met people from a Protestant paramilitary background. They had renounced violence as a way of getting peace with justice”
“I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love among yourselves.”—John 13:34, 35.
“Continue to love your enemies, to do good to those hating you, to bless those cursing you, to pray for those who are insulting you.”—Luke 6:27, 28.