Young People Ask . . .
How Can I Satisfy My Parents?
WALLY’S mother thinks he needs to spend more time on his homework. Wally, however, says, “I work hard in school and I come home and expect to relax a little bit. Go visit some friends, whatever. But she says, ‘You’re not going out of this house.’”1
‘Make me proud of you!’ ‘Do your best!’ ‘Succeed!’ Such are the familiar urgings of parents. And while some youths are encouraged and spurred on by these words, you perhaps resent them. Not that you want your folks to ignore you, but at times their constant attention feels like too much of a good thing. ‘Just how can I satisfy them?’ you wonder.
Why Parents Expect a Lot
First, let’s acknowledge an important fact: Good parents feel a responsibility toward their children. And as Proverbs 10:1 says, “A wise son is the one that makes a father rejoice, and a stupid son is the grief of his mother.” So it’s only natural for your parents to want you to do well. You reflect on them. More importantly, though, they deeply care about you. Says Dr. Joan Lipsitz, “Often, expectations of parents are based on a desire to spare the child from having to go through the same thing the parents did when they were the same age.”
So when Dad or Mom tells you to stay home and finish your homework, he or she is not necessarily being unreasonable. They know that to survive as an adult you will need to develop certain skills and abilities, skills only obtained through hard work. And if they are Christians, they also want you to reach your full spiritual potential. (Compare Ephesians 4:13.) Yes, behind your parents’ encouragement to get good grades or their requirement that you attend Christian meetings, and so forth, there is a lot of love. As a young man named Gary puts it: “Sure, my parents set high goals for me. After all, they lovingly sacrificed their time and money on me. I was their ‘prize’ possession.”
Granted, some parents go too far, setting their hearts on having their children achieve high-paying jobs, status, or even fame. Billy’s mom and dad, for example, dream of his becoming a star athlete. After school his father drills him in lay-ups on the basketball court. Billy, however, just isn’t much of an athlete.
Note what Jesus said, though, when the mother of two of his apostles tried to secure for her sons prestigious positions in Christ’s Kingdom—‘one at his right hand and one at his left.’ Wanting her sons to serve others with Jesus was fine. But perhaps there was a taint of wrong motive in her request. At any rate, Jesus corrected any notion she and her sons may have had about their ‘wielding authority as great men.’ Striving to be number one was just not to be the way among Christians. (Matthew 20:21-26) Likewise today, it is your relationship with God that really counts. (1 Corinthians 1:31) Cutthroat competition and tirelessly striving to accumulate material goods are vain ‘strivings after the wind.’—Ecclesiastes 4:4; see also Galatians 5:26 and; 1 John 2:16.
Nevertheless, some parents fail to appreciate this. They may push their children to excel—even at times beyond their abilities. What can result? Claims one authority: “Impossible expectations on the part of parents, teachers and peers probably provoke more stress-related problems among the young than any other source.”
Fortunately, overly ambitious and overly demanding parents are a minority. So the requirements your folks set out are probably quite reasonable. But there is a lot you can do—and learn—to turn their expectations to your advantage!
Learning to Do Your Best!
“I felt angry, frustrated and frightened,” recalled a 16-year-old girl whose parents asked her to remain in a class for advanced students. “In my mind, I wasn’t bright enough.” But were her folks really asking too much of her in suggesting she apply herself a bit harder? Not at all. She finished with high marks and now views the whole experience as “a win for me.”—Teen magazine.
Young people often underestimate their abilities. So if your parents encourage you to improve in some area—grades, for example—you stand to win by considering their point of view. “Listen to your father who caused your birth,” says Proverbs 23:22, “and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old.” Their experience in life may equip them to size up your capabilities more realistically. In her book Childstress! Mary Susan Miller writes: “I want to emphasize the fact that parents and teachers should have expectations for children. . . . Without them, children lack the self-confidence that comes when adults believe in them.”
Try, then, to meet your parents’ reasonable expectations.
Communicate! Communicate!
What, though, if you feel your parents’ requirements are placing you under too much pressure? Or what if their goals are contrary to your desires? The need to communicate—constructively, sympathetically—is a recurring theme heard from young people who have successfully dealt with this very situation. Veronica, for example, says: “Sit down with your parents when nobody is upset and let them see you as you see yourself.” David adds: “If I had started earlier in life talking about the pressure I felt, it would have been easier not only on me but also on my parents.”
Communication means listening as well as talking. What your parents request may be clear. But do you really know why they ask it? Remember, “To answer a question [or a demand] before you have heard it out is both stupid and insulting.” (Proverbs 18:13, The New English Bible) “Communication,” asserts Tom Kennon, a lecturer at the University of California’s psychiatry department, “is the key. . . . What emerges is a new awareness on the part of the teenager—as well as on the part of the parents.” Two things might help such communication.
Cooperate: “I found it was important to go out of my way to be yielding,” says Gary. He admits that this “is not always easy.” Easy or not, the Bible shows that it is right: “Obey your parents, for it is right that you should.” (Ephesians 6:1, NE) Defying them simply alienates you from them. Veronica, mentioned previously, adds that such cooperation “makes you a better person in the long run.”
Show respect: Respect can only improve your family relationships. It even lets you express your feelings without causing offense. So if you feel that your parents are asking for more than you can deliver, present your views mildly and with deep respect.—Compare 1 Peter 3:15.
For example, a Christian youth named Edward had a conflict with his parents over his career goals. How did he satisfy them in this delicate situation? Edward says, “I had good results when I explained respectfully why I wanted to pursue the Christian ministry rather than the career they had chosen for me. I expected a big fight, especially from Mother, but instead there was a calm response.”
Interestingly, years later Edward became a staff member of the world headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Recently his mother wrote: “It is true we were upset when you decided to go [there]. However, we accept this and feel it was probably the best decision for you. You seem to be happy there and that is what counts. We cannot accept your way of thinking religiously, but that does not make it right or wrong.”
So rather than chafing under your parents’ urgings, why not view your parents’ hopes for you as an expression of their confidence in you? And whether their or your expectations need adjustment, let your respect show through when you discuss it.
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“Sit down with your parents when nobody is upset and let them see you as you see yourself,” recommends one youth
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Do you feel that your parents cause you stress by planning your life?