Young People Ask . . .

Will Being in a Stepfamily Ruin My Life?

ONE out of every six children under 18 in the United States is a stepchild, say some experts. If present rates of divorce and remarriage continue, as many as half of today’s children could be in a stepfamily sometime in their lives. So there is a good chance that you or one of your friends lives in a stepfamily. If so, then you know that the pressures of adjusting can be tough.

However, American president Abraham Lincoln said of his stepmother: “All I am, all I ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” So some stepchildren do thrive in such a family. Successfully meeting the special pressures peculiar to the stepfamily depends a lot on having the right attitude.

Value of Right Attitude

Often how you view a situation can make the difference between being miserable and being joyful. “All the days of the afflicted one are bad; but the one that is good at heart has a feast constantly,” states Proverbs 15:15. In other words, a person who is “afflicted” with unpleasant circumstances views each day as bad because of his attitude. Yet, under the same circumstances, one with a cheerful disposition can view each day as a banquet!

“As a youngster,” wrote author Elizabeth Einstein in her book The Stepfamily, “what caused me problems was not the fact of my being a stepchild; it was how I viewed my status, how I felt about being a stepchild, and how I thought others felt about me.” She continues: “While I nurtured my anger at having to grow up in what I perceived as a second-best family, I kept myself from appreciating my good fortune at gaining a stepfather who provided us with a stable family life.” Granted, developing the right attitude is easier said than done. But is a stepfamily necessarily “second-best”? Consider the information in the box on page 19.

So living in a stepfamily does not automatically bring misery. Your chance of thriving in a stable stepfamily is quite good. Yet, since 44 percent of these families fail within the first five years, what can you do to help make yours succeed?

Learn to Compromise

When 15-year-old Jamie lived alone with her mother, she had her own room and wore expensive clothes. When her mother remarried and she found herself in a family with four children, things changed. Both living space and finances were quite limited. “Now I don’t even have my own room anymore,” she lamented. “I have to share everything.” But you may have to relinquish more than your own room. Your position as the oldest or the only child may now be changed. Perhaps the responsibilities you carried in the home are now taken over by a “new man.” Or it may be that you and your mother were like sisters, even sleeping in the same room, but now you get moved out by your stepdad.

Christian reasonableness is the key. “Let your reasonableness become known to all men,” recommends the Bible. (Philippians 4:5) The original word used meant “yielding” and conveyed the spirit of one who did not insist on all his lawful rights. So, try to be yielding. If you have to share a room with a stepbrother or a stepsister, realize that each of you must be considerate of the other and that one’s possessions. (Matthew 7:12) Be glad that now there is another capable adult to help carry the load of household responsibilities.

Coping With Unequal Treatment

After admitting that her stepfather shows love, one young girl added: “But there is a difference. He expects more, disciplines more, has less understanding towards us . . . than he does of his own children at the same age. This is a sore spot with us.” Many stepchildren​—and, in some instances, biological children—​complain of unequal treatment. However, the Bible recommends: “Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9) To avoid nurturing resentment, you need insight to consider the reasons why.​—Proverbs 19:11.

A stepparent simply is not going to feel the same way toward a stepchild as he does toward his natural one, not so much due to the blood tie with his natural child, but because of the shared experience in living. Even in a biological family a parent may love one child more than another. (Genesis 37:3) However, there is an important distinction between equal and fair. People have individual personalities and differing needs. So rather than being overly concerned as to whether you are treated equally, try to see if your stepparent is striving to meet your needs. If you feel that these are not being met, then calmly discuss the matter with your stepparent.

At times you may have a legitimate “cause for complaint,” but can you overlook such in Christian love? (Colossians 3:13) Occasionally, your stepbrothers or stepsisters can be a source of contention. In the Bible the man Jephthah was unjustly treated by his half brothers. They even forced him out of the home. Yet, even such unjust treatment did not ruin his life. He became a man with sterling qualities, and later his half brothers had to humble themselves and beg for his help! Jephthah was too big to hold a grudge but truly ‘conquered evil with good.’ You can do the same. Never forget that all the children in your new family, not just you, may be wrestling with some emotional issue, and this must be worked out before the new situation is acceptable.​—Romans 12:21; Judges 11:1-9.

Patience Pays Off!

“Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning. Better is one who is patient than one who is haughty in spirit.” (Ecclesiastes 7:8) This is especially true of a stepfamily! Normally several years are needed for trust to develop to the point where family members feel at ease with one another and for diverse habits and values to blend into a workable routine. Be patient! Do not expect to experience ‘instant love’ or that an ‘instant family’ will result.

When Thomas’ mother remarried, he was uneasy, to say the least. His mother had four children, including three teenagers, and the man she married had three daughters​—two were teenagers. “We had fights, arguments, disruptions, terrible emotional strains,” wrote Thomas. What brought eventual success? “By applying Bible principles, things were resolved; not always immediately, but with time and the application of the fruits of God’s spirit, situations were eventually smoothed over.” (Galatians 5:22, 23) Yes, many stepfamilies have found that a commitment to Bible principles is what brings eventual success.a

Many are the benefits from a successful stepfamily. Your field of experience is deepened and enriched by the blending of different life-styles. By squarely facing the challenges of adjustment and working these out, you develop skills that are invaluable in today’s demanding world. You learn to accept that some things are not going to be the way you want them to be. “I know I can adjust to a million more situations because of what I’ve gone through,” says Mandy, a teenage stepdaughter. “I’m more flexible than I used to be. I’m more understanding of other people’s problems now, and I think I’m a better friend.” Living in a stepfamily certainly did not ruin her life​—and neither need such ruin yours!

[Footnotes]

[Box on page 19]

How Does a Stepfamily Compare?

“Children living with stepfathers do just as well, or just as poorly, on all the many behavioral characteristics studied as children living with natural fathers.” This is the conclusion reached by researchers Paul Bohannan and Rosemary Erickson in a study of 190 families, of which 106 had stepfathers. They found that none of the pressures associated with a stepfamily “seems to affect the children’s mental health or their chances for a satisfactory social adjustment.”

A study to determine how much stress was felt by teenagers in a stepfamily revealed “that in nine of the eleven categories depicting areas of stress in stepfamily living, the subjects reported more ‘not stressful’ responses than ‘stressful.’” (Italics ours.) This study of 103 teenagers in stepfamilies was reported in Family Relations (July 1983). The areas of stress considered were divided into loyalty, discipline, unrealistic expectations, sexual issues, and others. The study concluded: “This may indicate that even in areas of concern there are stepfamilies who are dealing with issues in a relatively unstressful manner.” This was especially true of those who had lived in a stepfamily for longer than two years.

[Picture on page 20]

Here is your new sister!