Young People Ask . . .

Can a Boy and a Girl ‘Just Be Friends’?

SCOTT and Kelly say that they are not romantically involved. Yet Kelly, a teenage girl, says: ‘Scott definitely is my best friend​—the person I choose to spend my time with and the one I confide in. I tell him things that are important to me.’

Male-female friendships are not at all uncommon. Seventeen magazine conducted a recent survey in which 65 percent of the teenage girls polled said that they had male friends. In fact, a group of 625 teenagers in another survey considered “having friendships with members of the opposite sex” more important than “being very romantically involved with someone.”

Why, though, are opposite-sex friendships in vogue? Observes the book Adolescence: “Throughout the early stages of adolescence, boys and girls are more likely to choose friends of their own sex. But as they feel more secure with the bodily changes brought about by sexual maturation, they choose friends of both sexes.”

Some youths, however, go beyond learning to be friendly and comfortable with the opposite sex. They develop close friendships with the opposite sex​—relationships that they often claim are merely “platonic.”a Why is this? Claims 17-year-old Gregory: “It’s easier for me to talk to girls because they’re usually more sympathetic and sensitive. If they see a weakness in you, they don’t run you into the ground.” Seventeen-year-old Cyndi similarly says about her male friend: “I can tell him everything. With a girl friend you can tell her things, but somehow everyone finds out about it.” Other youngsters claim that such friendships help them develop a more rounded-out personality.

But is the desire for a rounded-out personality or for a trusted confidant the primary force in boy-girl friendships?

“More Treacherous Than Anything”

Says the Bible at Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?” Yes, it is often difficult really to understand our own feelings or know why we do certain things. So while youths may claim innocent motives for having close boy-girl friendships, it is evident that youths are often oblivious to their true motives for pursuing these relationships. “When I have problems,” confessed Birgit, a teenage girl, “I really want to cry on someone’s shoulder, someone who understands me in another way than my parents do, and someone with whom I can have physical contact.” “It’s important to have someone I can be close to,” said 17-year-old Scott. “It helps you to feel cared for,” admitted Debbie. And said one young man, ‘Everyone else has someone, and I feel alone.’

Many so-called friendships are therefore really disguised romances or ways to get attention from someone of the opposite sex without commitment.

But Is It Wrong to Have Friends?

Not necessarily. Proverbs 18:24 says that “there exist companions disposed to break one another to pieces, but there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother.” The Hebrew word here translated as “companions” can include a personal friend with whom one shares confidences and to whom one feels very close. No wonder that the Bible says: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.”​—Proverbs 17:17.

But did God’s people in Bible times search for such companions among members of the opposite sex? Consider the daughter of Jephthah. When she was grieved because of a vow her father made, did she cry on the shoulder of some close male companion? To the contrary, she told her father: “Let me go . . . and let me weep . . . , I and my girl companions.” (Judges 11:37) Remember, too, Jesus’ parable of the lost drachma coin. With whom would the housewife who finally found it share her joy? Said Jesus: “And when she has found it she calls the women who are her friends.” (Luke 15:9) Likewise with King David. It was a man named Hushai that became known as “David’s companion.”​—2 Samuel 15:37.

This is not to say that friendships with the opposite sex were off limits. The apostle Paul, for example, was a single man who enjoyed a number of friendships with Christian women. (See Romans 16:1, 3, 6, 12.) In fact, when writing to the Philippians, he speaks of two “women who have striven side by side with me in the good news.” (Philippians 4:3) Jesus Christ also enjoyed balanced, wholesome relationships with the opposite sex. Says the Bible at John 11:5: “Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister.” On numerous occasions he enjoyed the hospitality and conversation of these women.​—Luke 10:38, 39.

Nevertheless, can you picture Jesus taking long, romantic strolls with Mary or Martha? Not at all. Though there was genuine affection between Jesus and these women, their relationship was kept at a safe distance. Further, both Jesus and Paul were grown men, in control of their feelings and emotions. They were not vulnerable youths that needed someone to “hold their hand.”

“Fraught With Difficulties”

A book called The Challenge of Being Single claims: “Contrary to popular mythology, platonic friendships are indeed possible.” Of course, it is also “possible” to survive a plane crash. The question is, how practical or wise is it to cultivate a close companionship with someone of the opposite sex? Not very wise at all. One Soviet study observed that male-female friendships are “fraught with difficulties.” Why so?

For one thing, the sexual drive is a very potent force. As a young person, you are just learning to cope with it. So while sex may not seem a factor in a boy-girl friendship now, what about later? Interestingly, in the above study, youths were asked, “In your opinion is true friendship between boys and girls possible without being in love?” Seventy-five percent said yes. “With age, however,” noted the researchers, “doubts in this regard increase so that more than half of the [older males] answered negatively.” Perhaps some youths learned from experience the wisdom embodied in Proverbs 6:27: “Can a man rake together fire into his bosom and yet his very garments not be burned?”

For example, a youth named Wayne observes: “Some of the people I know have ‘going places’ partners. These are two young people that dance or look good together. They start off just being good friends, someone to confide in. But then they start spending more and more time together. People conclude that they are ‘going together,’ and eventually they are.” But “going together” when you are not ready to get married is a surefire way to get “burned.” It can arouse powerful emotions and desires that cannot be satisfied. The result? Frustration or fornication.

Other youths get “burned” when one-sided romantic feelings develop. The Bible tells of a young man named Amnon who fell “in love” with his half sister Tamar, but she did not feel the same way about him. Says the Bible: “And it was so distressing to Amnon that he felt sick on account of Tamar.” (2 Samuel 13:1, 2) True, there is no evidence that Tamar encouraged Amnon in any way. Nevertheless, would you want to be responsible for​—or want to experience—​such emotional turmoil? Too close a friendship with a person of the opposite sex leaves you wide open for disaster.

“Remove Vexation”

Solomon advised young people: “Remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh.” (Ecclesiastes 11:10) Be friendly with ones of the opposite sex, but exercise due caution. Keep such relationships within reasonable limits. To do otherwise is to invite vexation.

But are there other dangers? And how is a youth to find true friendship? A future issue will explore these questions.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 14]

Jesus enjoyed friendships with women but was careful not to get involved romantically

[Picture on page 15]

So-called platonic relationships often end in heartbreak