Young People Ask . . .
What’s Wrong With Being ‘Just Friends’?
“HOW important do you feel it is to have someone that you can be close to of the opposite sex?” That question was posed some time ago to a number of Christian youths. Said one teenage girl in reply: ‘It’s very important to me. Sometimes when you’re down, what you need is just someone to hold your hand.’
True friendship is a marvelous gift. But our previous issue of this magazine showed that when youths seek close friendships with members of the opposite sex, they leave themselves open to possible heartache and grief. Further, what starts off as a seemingly innocent friendship frequently winds up a disaster—physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Why It’s a Risky Business
“Everywhere you go,” says a young man named Hilton, “people are talking about [sex]. At work and school this is the conversation. Television promotes sex.” With so much emphasis today being placed on sex, little wonder that more and more young people are succumbing to “the desires incidental to youth.” (2 Timothy 2:22) A study done by The Alan Guttmacher Institute estimates that “some 12 million of the 29 million young people [in the United States] between the ages of 13 and 19 have had sexual intercourse . . . Nearly half of the 15-17-year-old males and one-third of comparable young women are sexually active.”
In view of this, close companionship with a member of the opposite sex is a risky business! True, a couple initially may be attracted to each other because of personality or common interests. But continued association between two young people of the opposite sex almost inevitably results in some sort of physical contact. A youth named Rachelle recalls what developed between her and a boy at school: “It started out as just a friendship. Then it developed into more of a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. Eventually we started holding hands, putting our arms around each other, walking to class together. Finally, we kissed.”
A Chain Reaction
‘But what’s so wrong about that?’ you might ask. Well, when two people of the opposite sex touch each other, often powerful sexual desires are aroused. And when that happens, a series of events—a chain reaction—is set off that can eventually result in sexual relations. Only married couples are entitled to such intimacies. That is why the Bible says to “flee from fornication.”—1 Corinthians 6:18.
Nevertheless, many feel like the youth who said: “It will never happen to me! Other kids have fun, why can’t I?” True, a couple may not mean for such a thing to happen. But consider a survey taken by Psychology Today: “Almost half the respondents (49 percent) have had a friendship turn into a sexual relationship.” In fact, “nearly a third (31 percent) reported having had sexual intercourse with a friend in the past month.”—Italics ours.
Yes, once the chain reaction is started, perhaps merely by holding hands, it is very hard to stop it. One young woman admits that she used to think it was “a little ridiculous” to say that holding hands and kissing could really lead to sexual immorality. But now she’s changed her mind. Why? She confesses: “It happened just that way to me.”
Even if sex relations are averted, emotional damage can still result when displays of affection get out of hand. One youth tried to comfort a female friend who confided in him about some personal problems. Before long they were engaging in petting. The result? Troubled consciences and “bad feelings” between them.
Keeping Friendship Within Bounds
In his book The Friendship Factor, Alan Loy McGinnis gives this bit of practical advice when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex: “Don’t trust yourself too far.” Is it wise for young, single persons to take romantic walks into secluded areas? If a member of the opposite sex confides in you, is it necessary to show sympathy by holding hands? The Bible warns: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid.”—Proverbs 28:26.
And what about visiting a member of the opposite sex alone? Peter recalls: “My parents and her parents were good friends. I guess they expected us to be ‘just friends’ as well. That was okay when we were very young. But as we got into our early teens, we began to look at each other differently. Little did our parents realize that when they would let us go off to play or to listen to records, we would find ourselves spending time kissing and embracing.” Fortunately, Peter and his friend did not go so far as to have sex relations. However, says Peter: “Nothing would have happened in the first place had we been properly chaperoned.”
Chaperoned? To some youths this seems hopelessly outmoded. But did you know that in some countries parents always have their daughter chaperoned until she is married? This serves as a protection. Would it not be a good idea, therefore, to make sure that you are never left alone with a young member of the opposite sex—even if you are ‘just friends’?
But what if, even after applying all these suggestions, romantic feelings begin to develop? If you are not ready for marriage, it would be best to follow the advice of Proverbs 22:3: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself.” Or as the book The Friendship Factor puts it: “Bail out if necessary. Once in a while, no matter how much we try, a friendship with the opposite sex gets out of hand and we know where it is going to lead.” Then, as this book says, it is time to “back away.”
‘Widening Out’ in Our Friendships
A youth named Gail admits: “I’m not ready to get married and settle down. I’m still getting to know myself, and I have many spiritual goals yet to achieve. So I really don’t need to be too close to anyone of the opposite sex. It would be more of a hindrance than a help.” But does this mean being deprived of friendship? Not at all, for when writing the Corinthian congregation, the apostle Paul encouraged them to “widen out” in their affections for one another.—2 Corinthians 6:12, 13.
For example, a young woman named Susan says: “I learned to develop close friendships with older Christian women in the congregation. They needed companionship, and I needed their steadying influence. So I would drop in for coffee. We would talk and laugh. I made real, lifelong friendships with them.”
But what if you need someone to confide in or to hold your hand? That’s what parents are for. (Compare Proverbs 23:26.) And while a levelheaded youth can perhaps offer you good advice, remember that Job asked, “Is there not wisdom among the aged and understanding in length of days?” (Job 12:12) Yes, going to a peer for advice is often akin to ‘the blind leading the blind.’ (Matthew 15:14) An older person or parent, though, may prove a far more reliable confidant. Why limit your friendships to peers? One of the most beautiful friendships on record was between David and Jonathan. (1 Samuel 18:1) Yet Jonathan was old enough to be David’s father!
True, exercising caution in our friendships curbs our freedom. But remember that we are living in a time when young people are constantly being exposed to immoral influences. How much better it is for you to resist these influences and to “remember, now, your Grand Creator,” for being friends with God is the most satisfying friendship there is.—Ecclesiastes 12:1.
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What begins as friendship often ends in hurt feelings or sexual immorality
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Older people and parents can also serve as reliable and understanding friends