Cancer—How Can You Be Supportive?
“At the heart of any clinical practice is the necessity for the doctor to convey a sense of empathy and help the patient understand his or her illness.”—Holistic Medicine.
CARING for cancer patients is a major challenge, especially for the medical staff who have direct contact with the patient. They are caught between two difficult alternatives—the need to show empathy and communicate optimism and at the same time the need to avoid a subjective and sentimental approach to the sick person. What does this mean in practice?
Doctors and nurses who constantly deal with cancer patients cannot allow themselves to suffer with every patient, otherwise they would have a high emotional burn-out rate. Awake! asked a former hospital pharmacist about this factor. He stated: “I had to deal with all kinds of doctors and specialists at the hospital. The ones that always seemed to be down in the mouth or depressed were the cancer specialists.”
At the same time, the medical staff cannot just be impersonal and aseptic, for the patient looks to them for hope. As Maurice Finkel wrote in Fresh Hope in Cancer: “Above all, what the cancer patient needs is hope. Hope to give him the energy to struggle with his illness—even if his struggle fails. . . . The quitter always dies, the fighter has a chance of surviving.”
The doctor’s role is delicate, like walking a tightrope. He has to gauge how much information about the disease will help the patient to fight back against it. If he says too much, will the patient relapse into defeatism? These factors also vary from culture to culture.
Awake! interviewed Tomoyoshi Hirano from Japan who recently lost his parents-in-law to cancer. He explained: “Our Japanese culture tends not to express unpleasant facts. The doctor would not tell my father-in-law that he had cancer. In fact, he would not even tell the daughters. He was only willing to tell me, an ‘outsider,’ the harsh facts of the case. I was supposed to make all the decisions without ever informing my wife or her father. However, I felt that as a Christian, I had a duty to tell the truth in a tactful way and not hide the facts.”
On the other hand, in Western culture, if the doctor does not clarify the situation sufficiently, will he later be blamed because the patient made decisions with insufficient information? In fact, much will depend on what the patient wants to know and when he wants to know it. As Dr. Charles F. McKhann put it: “I realized that if people are able to ask hard questions, the least they deserve is their doctor’s willingness and ability to give reasonable answers.”—The Facts About Cancer.
Therefore, it is very encouraging when the medical staff are genuinely compassionate toward their patients. This emphasizes the importance of choosing a doctor with whom you can have a good rapport. Dr. McKhann adds: “A doctor in whom you have real confidence can make everything more tolerable. Your doctor should be compassionate, understanding, and interested in you as a person as well as a patient.”
Indicating that not all medical staff are always sensitive to the patient’s needs, a cancer-patient nurse wrote to The New York Times: “What amazes me most are patients and families who survive, not cancer, but health-care professionals and facilities, whose organization and structure seem designed to frustrate, depress and deprive them of the resources and support crucial to their situation.” She ended her letter by suggesting that “we must mark well that sensitivity, common courtesy, laughter and human caring are also ‘weapons’ in the war against cancer.”
Others, such as close relatives and friends, also play a vital role in supporting the sick. This is especially true in the case of the husband, wife, or children of a patient. To illustrate the kind of support that others can give, Awake! interviewed several supportive spouses and some cancer survivors.
“I Had to Change My Priorities”
The vital role of the supportive family is illustrated by Terry’s case. She was 28 when she discovered on the last day of 1982 that she had “aggressive” terminal cancer. She was given from 6 to 12 months to live by the doctors. How did she and her husband Paul face up to the situation?
Paul explained to Awake!: “I felt that we had to face reality. She only had so many months to live, and I just wanted to try to make her ending as dignified as possible. You see, the chemotherapy treatment can be so devastating, with the loss of hair and the constant nausea and vomiting.”
Awake!: How did this affect your life as a husband?
“It meant that I had to change my priorities in life. Possessions and money became less important. I realized that I would have to be almost a full-time nurse to look after her. I also learned to exercise patience and to shrug off embarrassment when she was sick in public or had seizures. Fortunately, she was very realistic and did not wallow in self-pity. That helped to make my role easier.”
Awake!: What other suggestions would you offer to relatives and friends of cancer victims?
“Don’t ever let your loved one feel that he or she is a burden to you. Show empathy. Learn to tune in to their feelings so that you will know what to talk about and when. Sometimes they want to unburden themselves, and at other times it is the last subject they wish to talk about.”
Awake!: What helped Terry endure her test?
“Our fellow Witnesses were very supportive in their visits and in helping us with meals. From a more permanent point of view, her study of the Bible gave her a clear vision of the resurrection hope and of the time when there will be no more death or disease on earth.”
As the doctors had predicted, before the year was up, Terry died, in October 1983.
Quality of Life and Goals
When one is struck by a deadly disease, the question arises, How much longer do I have to live? Weeks? Months? Years? At that point, quality of life becomes more important. Achievements, even minor ones, such as writing letters and reading books, become significant and make life worth while. To the degree that activity is possible, it is a therapy.
This point of view is supported by 46-year-old Barbara from England. In 1980 she discovered she had cancer of the breast. Since then it has spread to other parts of her body. However, chemotherapy and radiation therapy have helped her. How does she keep going? “I find that having short-term goals is good for me. I plan ahead only for easily achievable goals for the near future. Then I find that I can be reasonably happy and contented.
“Trying to think of others and being concerned for them certainly helps me. So I busy myself with sending cards to cheer up others who are not feeling well. I also get pleasure out of writing letters to others.”
And how does her husband Stephen support her? “My taking a real genuine interest in Barbara’s condition helps her too. We tackle everything together. For example, though we both enjoy reading, we find it good to read out loud to each other and thus share the experience.”
A Heart Attack, Then Cancer
Dode’s husband Charles, a strapping man in his 60’s, was struck down with a massive heart attack in 1985. He was in intensive care for nine days but came out of the experience with such determination that within six weeks he was back at work. Then in September of that year, he began to have uncontrollable hiccups while eating. After examination it was suspected that he had cancer of the stomach. He was operated on in December. Four weeks later he was back to work!
How has Dode tried to support her husband during these difficult months? She answers: “We did not waste time and nervous energy on negative speculations. We waited to get the facts on the case before discussing it or determining our course.
“Accepting the recommendation of our doctors and surgeon on the necessary treatment, we went ahead with full confidence. We kept our conversations positive and thought in terms of cure. My husband has a fighting spirit, and I was determined to help him.”
Awake!: What else did you do to keep him in a positive frame of mind?
Dode: “I discouraged or limited visits during his hospital stay. Visits had to be by appointment and they had to be brief. That way I could screen out the well-intentioned people who might be tiring to him. In fact, better than visits were the hundreds of get-well cards that he received.”
Awake!: We know that you were a registered nurse and have worked with many doctors. But now, as a patient’s wife, how do you think the doctors can be supportive?
Dode: “As the doctor did in our case, I believe he should communicate a positive outlook to the patient. He should only tell him as much as he wants to know and in accordance with his questions. Of course, I expected the doctors to be frank with me. But with my husband, I wanted them to sow seeds of hope, not despair. So unless a patient demands an answer, I don’t think you should tell someone that he or she has only so many months to live. Let that depend on the patient’s condition and determination.”
Awake!: What helps you to cope from day to day?
Dode: “Sympathy! The supportive mate is under constant stress in trying to put on a bold front. So it is nice when someone asks, ‘How are you doing Dode?’ Then I know that they also understand my test.
“I find, too, that a sense of humor helps us. Since we both like golf and he has been losing a lot of weight, I one day said to him, ‘I don’t know if your legs are number three woods or number four irons right now!’ He laughed. And do you know, within six weeks of the operation, he played 18 holes of golf with me!”
What does Charles feel have been the most encouraging factors for him as a patient?
“I can list three—my wife, the hospital staff, and all our friends. We had magnificent support from the medical staff. They explained every step of the surgical process to us ahead of time and treated us as individuals, not as ciphers. As a consequence, we had full confidence in them, and that helped us to be optimistic.
“Of course, my best support was my wife. And her being an ex-nurse made it even better for me. Prayer was also a great comfort and strength to me. I prayed to be able to keep on working . . . and here you see me in my office!”
Facing Reality, Living With Hope
Awake! interviewed Ethel, whose husband Stan recently died of cancer at the age of 65.
Awake!: What kind of treatment did Stan undergo?
Ethel: “His cancer of the hip was first diagnosed in January 1985. Shortly after that, we discovered that he also had tumors in a lung, an eye, and on the brain. He was given chemotherapy for the lung and then sessions of radiation for the other sites. For a while he seemed to get better and was making plans for a trip. Then one day he had severe vomiting, and we knew it was a relapse. More or less from that point onward, we both knew that he could not survive.”
Awake!: Then how did the two of you react to that fact?
Ethel: “We talked freely about our situation, and Stan faced up to reality. In fact, by his attitude he helped me to face the truth of the situation.
“I am not the weeping type, and I tried to avoid breaking down in front of him. But I remember one day finding him weeping, and that set me off. I said to him, ‘If you feel like crying, we might as well cry together and get it over with.’ So we wept together, and I think it relieved us. He smiled sheepishly afterward, but I know it did us good.
“Another vital factor was our Bible hope of a resurrection. We often talked about that. He would say: ‘I’ll just go to sleep for a while. And then I’ll be back when the new system has taken over in this earth.’ Our faith made a big difference.”
Cancer and Faith
Since cancer is a very personal battle, a strong faith can help. Prayer, which is communication with God, can have a very calming influence. As the Bible states: “Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.”—Philippians 4:6, 7.
According to fulfilled Bible prophecy, the time is near when God “will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” Yes, under God’s Kingdom rule, cancer, along with all other scourges, will be eliminated. That time is near.—Revelation 21:3, 4; Luke 21:29-33.
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Positive Self-Help for Cancer Patients
1. Don’t let denial take over. Be realistic and face the issue. That way you can make the most of the time available.
2. Have viable plans or goals for things you want to accomplish. Keep a purpose in your life. Life without meaning is empty. It doesn’t have to be that way—it depends on you.
3. To the degree possible, keep active. Even if physically restricted, your intellectual life has not ended. So why bring it to a premature close? Keep your mind active—reading, writing, painting, learning. Even include new projects.
4. Develop a positive attitude so that you can wisely use your resources. Self-pity is self-centered and self-destructive. Think in terms of what you can do for others. Your friends and relatives can be upbuilt by your positive attitude.
5. Try to retain a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself. See the roses, not just the thorns. Appreciate the fact that you are living, not just the idea that, like everyone else, you are dying.
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Medical staff, loved ones, and friends can all be supportive