Young People Ask . . .
Will My Parents’ Divorce Ruin My Life?
ECONOMICALLY disadvantaged, depressed, prone to misbehavior and marital failure—such is the grim picture some experts paint of the children of divorced parents. So if your parents are divorced or separated, understandably you may fear for your future.
Indeed, your parents’ divorce may already seem to be wrecking your life. Recalls a youth named Denny: “I was unhappy and depressed after my parents’ divorce. I started having problems in school and failed one year. After that I said, ‘What’s the use?’ So I became the class clown and got into a lot of fights.” Some youths even react by turning to alcohol, drugs, or sex—or by making tragically impulsive decisions.
Why, though, does divorce ruin so many young lives? And how can you avoid letting it ruin yours?
What Emotional Pain Does
In the wake of a divorce, some youths vent their frustration and anger by misbehaving in ways they would never have dreamed of before. For some youths, acting up is a warped way of “punishing” their parents for getting the divorce. In some cases it is a pathetic cry for attention from parents who seem to have suddenly lost interest in their children. “Mom wasn’t home,” laments 15-year-old Tina. “There was no discipline and no rules, only an empty house. That’s how I got into drugs and sex.”
Why, though, do parents sometimes let discipline fall by the wayside after a divorce? Often, it is simply because they, too, are suffering great emotional pain. One divorced woman thus confessed: “I definitely neglected my kids. After the divorce, I was such a mess myself, I just couldn’t help them.”
Need to Assume Responsibility
Shocking behavior may very well get a rise out of one’s parents. But what is really accomplished, other than adding stress to an already stressful situation? The only one “punished” by wrongdoing is the wrongdoer. Admitted a 19-year-old boy who, after his parents’ divorce, got involved in drugs, immorality, and theft: “I’m suffering from these mistakes.”—Compare Galatians 6:7.
The Bible’s advice at Hebrews 12:13 makes sense: “Keep making straight paths for your feet, that what is lame may not be put out of joint.” Even where parental discipline is absent, there is no excuse for misconduct, especially if you have been taught righteous principles. “If one knows how to do what is right and yet does not do it, it is a sin for him.” (James 4:17) Assume responsibility for your actions and exercise self-discipline. (1 Corinthians 9:27) Avoid actions you may regret for the rest of your life.
Rash Decisions
Another way youths can wreck their future after the divorce of their parents is by making rash decisions. Lacking firm parental guidance, many quit school—with little thought to how they’ll support themselves one day. Others jump at the first chance for an escape from their unhappy homelife. A young woman named Lynn recalls: “Coming from a broken home, I felt as if I had a bad past, as if I had done something wrong. I wondered, ‘Who would want to marry me?’ So when a boy from a nice family wanted to have me, I married him, though neither of us was ready for marriage.” Tragically, divorce soon followed.
Really, though, it’s just common sense to avoid making weighty decisions when you’re too confused to think straight. “The shrewd one considers his steps.” (Proverbs 14:15) If your parents seem too distracted at this point to give you their ear, why not talk your decisions over with an older friend?
Concern Over Livelihood
No longer having a father at home (as is often the case) may raise yet another seeming threat to your future. For the first time you may find yourself worrying about things you formerly took for granted—food, clothing, shelter, money.
Do you face starvation? Not likely. Parents usually work out some means of supporting their children after a divorce, even if it means that Mom has to take on a secular job. Unfortunately, though, parents often fail to explain any of this. So you may need to be a real son or daughter to your parents and communicate your concerns to them. (Proverbs 4:3) Calmly ask what arrangements for your care have been made. If your parents are too upset to discuss the matter, show some fellow feeling. (1 Peter 3:8) Wait for the right time to ask again.—Proverbs 15:23.
Nevertheless, the book Surviving the Breakup realistically warns: “What once supported one family unit must now support two families, forcing a decline in standard of living for every family member, regardless of level of affluence.” It may well be, therefore, that you’ll have to get used to doing without things you used to enjoy—like new clothes. But the Bible reminds us: “We have brought nothing into the world, and neither can we carry anything out. So, having sustenance and covering, we shall be content with these things.” (1 Timothy 6:7, 8) Perhaps you can even assist in working out a new family budget. Remember, too, that Jehovah is “a father of fatherless boys.” (Psalm 68:5) You can be sure that he is deeply concerned about your needs.
Effect on One’s Own Marriage
Since your parents have failed at marriage, it’s understandable that you might worry about your own prospect of enjoying a successful marriage. Fortunately, marital unhappiness is not something you inherit from your parents—like freckles. You are a unique individual, and how any future marriage of yours turns out will depend, not on your parents’ failings, but on the extent to which you and your mate apply God’s Word. Coming from an unhappy home need not stop you from one day enjoying a secure marriage if you build it on unselfish love. Such “love never fails.”—1 Corinthians 13:8.
Annette, for example, was raised by an alcoholic father, who repeatedly abandoned his family. “I’m a bit insecure as a result,” admits Annette. “Even now, I hate it when my husband leaves on an errand without assuring me he’s coming back.” Nevertheless, Annette further says: “I decided that when I got married, my marriage would be a peaceful one and that I would marry someone I knew I could be happy with. I’m happy now and feel my parents’ splitting up is pretty much behind me.”
Turning It to Your Advantage
Jeremiah observed: “Good it is for an able-bodied man that he should carry the yoke during his youth.” (Lamentations 3:27) No, there is little “good” in watching parents split up. But it is possible to turn even this negative experience to your advantage.
For example, you may be forced to take on additional household responsibilities. This can help you develop skills that will prove valuable later in life. Researcher Judith Wallerstein further observed: “The emotional and intellectual growth [among children of divorced parents] that was catalyzed by the family crisis was impressive and sometimes moving. The youngsters . . . soberly considered their parents’ experiences and drew thoughtful conclusions for their own futures. They were concerned with finding ways to avoid the mistakes their parents had made.”
Young Paul found this to be true. His parents split up when he was little, and he was shunted back and forth between feuding parents. Yet, he has extracted some benefits from having survived this. “I’m determined not to repeat my parents’ mistakes,” he says. And having learned to live with an unstable situation, he says: “I’m able to adapt to situations easily.” Keith, a young man who has lived through two divorces of his parents, has similarly come out intact. “I have insecurities,” he admits. “But I think everyone does. And I don’t think I’m going to end up the same way as my parents because I’m determined to use my head a little bit more.”
No doubt about it, your parents’ breakup is sure to make its mark on your life. But whether that mark is a fading blemish or a gaping wound is to a great extent up to you.
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How are a child’s prospects for future happiness affected when his parents get divorced?