SIDS​—Facing the Grief

SUDDEN infant death is a devastating tragedy. An apparently normal, healthy baby fails to wake up. It is totally unexpected, for who imagines that an infant will die before its parents? A baby that has become the center of a mother’s endless love is suddenly the reason for a mother’s endless grief.a

Guilt feelings begin to flood in. The parents feel responsible for the death, as if it were due to some neglect. They ask themselves, ‘What could we have done to prevent it?’ In some cases the husband, without foundation, might even unconsciously blame his wife. When he went to work, the baby was alive and healthy. When he got home, it had died in its crib! Then what was his wife doing? Where was she at the time? These irrational doubts have to be cleared up so as not to put a strain on the marriage.

Tottie, mentioned in our opening article, went through a difficult phase. She says: “If I am not careful, I still have bouts of guilt and depression. Mentally, I have to shift gears quickly and get out of that nonproductive thinking. Prayer has been a great help to me, as I have asked for help to recognize my own thought processes and to help me think more positively.”

How can other people help them in their grief? Tottie shot out the answer: “Some people act as if Katie never existed. If only they would realize that in fact you do want to talk about your loved one! It is therapeutic to talk. Katie will always be a lovely little child to us, and we want to remember her, not forget her. So why be afraid to talk about her?”

On the other hand, not all parents want to talk about their dead child. That is something that the visitor has to gauge.

Working Out the Grief

Grief reactions vary from person to person and from culture to culture. One study of SIDS in the United States found that, on an average, it takes the parents three years “to regain the level of personal happiness [they] felt they had held before the death.”

Doug, a computer systems analyst, and Anne, now in their early 40’s, lost little Rachel 12 years ago. That was when SIDS was still relatively unknown. Even though a doctor had checked the baby the day before, the attending policeman insisted that the coroner ask for an autopsy. Says Anne: “At the time we did not question the decision. Only later did we find out that the policeman had noticed blue marks on Rachel’s throat, and he suspected child abuse! As it turned out, the condition was merely an evidence of death, called livor mortis​—two blood spots that form and look like bruises. The autopsy came up with no reason for the death, and it was finally listed as sudden infant death.”

How did Doug and Anne face the loss? Doug explains: “I was at the Kingdom Hall when a friend told me I was urgently wanted at home. When I arrived at the house, I learned the worst. I could not believe it. I had been the last person to touch Rachel that night. Now she was dead. I broke down and wept, along with Anne. It was the only time I wept.”

Awake!: “What about the funeral? How did that affect you?”

“The surprising thing was that neither Anne nor I cried at the funeral. Everyone else was weeping.” Then Anne interjected: “Yes, but I have done plenty of crying for both of us. I think it really hit me a few weeks after the tragedy, when I was finally alone one day in the house. I cried all day long. But I believe it helped me. I felt better for it. I had to mourn the loss of my baby. I really do believe that you should let grieving people weep. Although it is a natural reaction for others to say, ‘Don’t cry,’ it doesn’t really help.”

Awake!: “How did other people help you through the crisis? And what things don’t help?”

Anne responded: “One friend came and cleaned up my house without my having to say a word. Others made meals for us. Some just helped by giving me a hug​—no words, just a hug. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to have to explain over and over again what had happened. I didn’t need prying questions, as if I had failed to do something. I was the mother; I would have done anything to save my Rachel.”

Doug continued: “Sometimes innocent remarks were made that were not helpful, such as: ‘As Christians we should not mourn as others do.’ Now, I know that. But I can assure you, when you lose a child, at that moment even the firm knowledge of the resurrection is not going to prevent you from weeping and mourning. After all, Jesus wept when Lazarus died, and Jesus knew he was going to resurrect him.”

Anne added: “Another comment that we did not find helpful was, ‘I know how you feel.’ We know it was said with the best of intentions, but unless that person had lost a baby as I did, there is no way he or she could know how I felt. Feelings are very personal. True, most people can show sympathy, but very few can show real empathy.”

Awake!: “Did Rachel’s death cause any strain between you?”

Anne was quick to answer: “Yes, it did. I suppose we had different ways of mourning our loss. Doug wanted to put up photos of Rachel around the house. That was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t need those reminders. I didn’t want it to look as if we were making a cult out of her death. Anyway, Doug understood my feelings, and he took the photos down.”

Awake!: “How did little Stephanie, Rachel’s sister, react?”

“For a short period after Rachel’s death, Stephanie was afraid of getting sick. She feared that any illness would also kill her. And at first she was not too happy about going to sleep. But she got over it. When we had Amy, our next baby, Stephanie was always very afraid for her. She did not want her to die, and any cough or sniffle made her nervous for her sister.”

A Solid Hope Sustains

What about the use of sedatives during the grief period? Pathologist Knight writes: “It has been shown that heavy sedation may be counter-productive if it is a barrier to the normal process of bereavement and grieving. The tragedy has to be endured, suffered and eventually rationalised and to retard this unduly by knocking out the mother with drugs may prolong or distort the process.”

Awake! asked Doug what had sustained him and Anne through their grief.

“I remember that the funeral talk was helpful. What comforted us most of all that day was our Christian hope in the resurrection. Her loss was felt deeply, but the hurt was softened by God’s promise through Christ of seeing her again here on earth. From the Bible, we saw that the effects of death are reversible. The speaker showed from the Bible that Rachel was not in heaven ‘as a little angel’ nor in Limbo awaiting release to heaven. She was simply asleep in the common grave of mankind.”​—See John 5:28, 29; 11:11-14; Ecclesiastes 9:5.

Awake!: “How would you answer those who say that ‘God took her’?”

“It would be a selfish God who would take little children from their parents. The Bible’s answer at Ecclesiastes 9:11 is enlightening: ‘Time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all.’ And Psalm 51:5 tells us that all of us are imperfect, sinful, from the time of our conception, and the eventuality for all men now is death from any number of causes. Sometimes death strikes before birth, resulting in a stillbirth. In Rachel’s case, she contracted something as an infant that overwhelmed her system​—an unforeseen occurrence.”

Every day thousands of homes lose a child in death. Many of these are babies who die from SIDS. Compassionate friends, doctors, hospital staff, and counselors can mean so much in such tragic circumstances. (See box to the left.) Also, accurate knowledge of God’s purposes toward mankind can truly sustain grieving parents.

If you would like to know more about God’s promise of a resurrection to perfect life on earth, please feel free to contact Jehovah’s Witnesses in your neighborhood. They will gladly help you with comfort from God’s Word, without obligation.

[Footnotes]

[Box on page 12]

Suggestions for Helping Bereaved Parents

What You Can Do

1. Be available. Make meals. Clean house. Run errands. Care for the other children.

2. Express your genuine fellow feeling and sorrow at their loss.

3. Let them express their feelings and grief as they see fit.

4. Encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to demand too much from themselves.

5. Allow them to talk about the lost child as much as they wish, and you talk about the endearing qualities of the child.

6. Give special attention to the child’s brothers and sisters for whatever length of time it is necessary.

7. Relieve them of guilt feelings. Reassure them that they did all they could. Highlight whatever else you know to be true and positive about the care they gave.

What to Avoid

1. Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Just a sympathetic hug is better than absence.

2. Don’t say you know how they feel​—unless you have lost a child too.

3. Don’t be judgmental or tell them what they should feel or do.

4. Don’t become silent when they mention their dead child. And don’t be afraid to mention the child​—they want to hear good things about him/​her.

5. Don’t draw sham conclusions or lessons to be learned from the loss of the child. In their grief, there is no silver lining to this cloud.

6. Don’t remind them that at least they have other children or can have more. No other child is a substitute or replacement.

7. Don’t add to their guilt feelings by looking for faults in the home or hospital care.

8. Don’t use religious platitudes that put the blame on God.

(Based in part on a list prepared by Lee Schmidt, Parent Bereavement Outreach, Santa Monica, California.)