Young People Ask . . .
Why Is It So Hard to Stay Friends?
ONE girl quit talking to Sabina simply because she failed to hit a home run at a school baseball game. Another girl broke off their friendship because Sabina refused to help her cheat on a test. A third girl constantly criticized and insulted Sabina in front of others. Sabina thus learned an often painful truth: Maintaining a friendship is not always easy.
‘She didn’t keep my secret!’ ‘He ignores me!’ ‘She made fun of me behind my back!’ ‘I feel smothered.’ Many a tight friendship has been crushed under a barrage of similar complaints.
Fragile Friendships
Why do friendships often prove fragile? The Bible says: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) Because of imperfection, not only are we error prone but we are out of harmony with both God and our fellowman. We are plagued with feelings of guilt and insecurity, quick to take offense, quick to feel threatened. Since we are also disposed to anger, short-temperedness, impatience, and jealousy—other trademarks of imperfection—we are more prone to “break one another to pieces” than to maintain the bonds of friendship.—Proverbs 18:24.
So teen friendships can be fragile. For one thing, such relationships (particularly among young girls) are often intensely intimate. And while having a friend to share every thought and every feeling with may have its advantages, it also has its drawbacks. Note what Soviet researchers Kon and Losenkov observed: “The intense need for shared confidences can be a potential source of misunderstandings and conflicts.”
The emotional growth that takes place during your teen years can also work against friendship. As one writer puts it, before adolescence “our personalities are less distinct, our interests and goals less well defined; we don’t have a very strong sense of who we are yet.” But as we approach our late teens, “we begin to become more like adults, individuals with our own goals and ideals and interests. This . . . may make it hard to remain close to old friends who are developing differently than we are. Some growing apart is therefore inevitable.”
Finally, some friendships are founded more on selfishness than on mutual love, more on a desire to receive than on a willingness to give. Sabina’s experience (mentioned at the outset) illustrates how easily such so-called friendships may evaporate when selfish expectations are not met. What, then, can you do if a cherished friendship runs into a snag?
Be Loyal
Joanna trusted one of her friends with a secret—a personal matter that she specifically asked her not to tell to anyone. A few days later, she discovered that several others knew all about the matter. Realizing that her friend had betrayed her, Joanna said: “I forgave her, but I could never trust her again. Our friendship will never be the same.” Loyalty certainly is an important part of friendship. The Bible tells us that David and Jonathan even made an oath of loyalty to each other! (1 Samuel 20:15-17) But if a friend betrays a confidence, is that friendship over?
Not necessarily. True, betraying a trust cannot be condoned. But could it be that it was unwise on your part to burden your friend with the information in the first place? “A gossip can never keep a secret,” warns the proverb. “Stay away from people who talk too much.” (Proverbs 20:19, Today’s English Version) Youths often do not have the maturity to maintain a confidence. Dr. Jane Anderson, psychiatrist for adolescents, further reminds us: “Even a good friend may occasionally be tempted to reveal a confidence if it will give [him or her] some attention and status. This doesn’t make [him or her] a bad person—just immature.” The solution may be for you to confide in a mature adult when you have a serious problem.
What if you are the one entrusted with a private matter? Be loyal and “do not reveal another man’s secrets, or he will reproach you when he hears of it and your indiscretion will then be beyond recall.”—Proverbs 25:9, 10, The New English Bible.
‘I Feel Smothered’
Whenever Joe wanted to be with someone else—or simply enjoy solitude—Joe’s friend would become upset. As a result, Joe began to feel pressured and frustrated.
Treating a friend as if he or she is your exclusive property can smother the friendship. True, it is only natural to feel hurt and insecure when a close friend starts associating with others. But does becoming oppressively possessive improve the situation? Not according to Proverbs 25:17 (NEB), which says: “Be sparing in visits to your neighbour’s house, if he sees too much of you, he will dislike you.”
Jesus Christ was especially close to his disciple John. (John 13:23) Yet, Jesus did not exclude others but declared regarding all his disciples: “You are my friends.” (John 15:14) Similarly, there is room in even the closest of friendships for other relationships. Indeed, the Bible urges Christians to “widen out” in their friendships.—2 Corinthians 6:13.
What if you are the one being smothered by a possessive friend? Then “plead your own cause with your fellowman,” and let your friend know how you feel. (Proverbs 25:9) Your taking an interest in other people and in other things may be quite painful for your friend. He or she may fear that this signals the end of your friendship. Assure your friend that this is not the case and that you simply desire more breathing room in your relationship.
Disrespect
Researchers Youniss and Smollar found that “disrespectful acts” are among the most common causes of conflicts in teenage friendships. Complaints that ‘he called me names!’ or that ‘she puts me down in front of others!’ are common. Granted, it hurts to be treated unkindly by someone we love. The way we are treated, however, often reflects the way we treat others. Jesus said: “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them.” Could it be that you need to apply the Golden Rule a bit more in your friendships?—Matthew 7:2, 12.
Another question you might consider is whether you may have set yourself up as a target for ridicule—perhaps by excessive or foolish talking. (Proverbs 15:2) If so, you may need to make changes. When Jesus was on earth, he had the respect of even his enemies. But that was not because Jesus went around demanding that people treat him that way. No, he conducted himself in a way that invited respectful treatment from others. By setting a mature Christian example ‘in speaking and in conduct,’ you can accomplish the same thing yourself.—1 Timothy 4:12.
What, though, if the disrespectful treatment is entirely unwarranted? Once again, it is time to speak up. ‘Turning the other cheek’ does not necessarily mean enduring unjust treatment in silence. (Matthew 5:39; compare 2 Corinthians 11:20.) So why not “speak truth” with your friend, and let him or her know how his actions affect you? (Ephesians 4:25) Approach the matter calmly, with the motive of repairing your friendship—not for revenge.
“Try to avoid saying something like: ‘You treat me like dirt!’” recommended an article in ’Teen magazine. “Instead, focus on how you feel: ‘I feel hurt and embarrassed when I’m teased or ignored in front of the other girls. It makes me feel like you don’t care about me. Can we talk about it?”
Samantha was forced to have such a serious talk with a friend. She discovered that her friend was talking against her behind her back. Samantha decided to speak to her about it. “I was nervous at first,” she recalls, “but it was worth it.” Samantha learned that some misunderstandings were involved and that her friend’s comments were not as bad as they were reported to be. (Proverbs 15:22) “Now we are better friends,” reports Samantha.
Admittedly, not all clashes between friends have such a happy resolution. And if your friend is unwilling to make changes or proves himself to be selfish, inconsiderate, or uninterested in your feelings, then it may be time to seek companionship elsewhere. (Proverbs 17:17) Usually, though, with determination and work on the part of both of you, the friendship can be salvaged. And when you contemplate the deep joy and satisfaction a good friendship brings, isn’t such effort worth it?—Proverbs 27:9.
[Picture on page 26]
The possessive person treats a friend like a piece of personal property