Young People Ask . . .
Why Must I Be an Example to My Younger Brothers and Sisters?
DARRYL is the oldest child in the family. During a particularly difficult period of time, he allowed his grades to slip. His parents reacted swiftly. Recalls Darryl: “They encouraged me to improve in my schoolwork not only for my sake but for the sake of my younger sisters, showing them that good grades are important.”
If you are the oldest child in your family, you no doubt know what it is to be told, ‘Set a good example for your younger brothers and sisters!’ Often, though, this causes resentment. In their book Raising Siblings, Carole and Andrew Calladine say: “Firstborns also complain of the correlative high expectations of their parents. They feel the parental pressure to excel, to achieve. Typical admonishments to firstborns are, ‘You’re too old to do that,’ ‘You should know better.’”
Why, though, do parents expect so much of the oldest child? Are they perhaps expecting too much?
Why You Must Be an Example
From earliest times, firstborn children—especially sons—have been subject to high parental expectations. As the beginning of their fathers’ generative powers, firstborn sons in Bible times were often especially loved. (Genesis 49:3; Deuteronomy 21:17) Why, Jehovah himself called the nation of Israel his “firstborn” to express his deep love for them. (Exodus 4:22) Much was expected of the firstborn son, though, as he was the one who eventually succeeded his father as family head.
It should not surprise you, then, that parents still tend to have high expectations for their oldest child—and with good reason. For one thing, if you are the oldest, you have probably received more training in household chores, moral values, and Bible principles than your siblings (brothers and sisters). Should you not be expected to pass on to them what you have learned?
One 14-year-old boy was thus told by his parents to help his younger sisters learn household chores. He recalls: “My parents explained that I had more training and experience than my sisters because I am the oldest.”
Your assistance in training younger brothers and sisters may be particularly needed because of the economic pressures many parents now face. Often, mothers as well as fathers must work at secular jobs, leaving them less time at home. And if you live in a single-parent household, your parent may be laboring under the strain of trying to fulfill two parental roles. Your setting an example for younger ones in the household can do much to ease the load. Additionally, your parent knows that setting a good example for your younger brothers and sisters will help you develop into a responsible adult.
Being Responsible Toward Them
True, you may not feel comfortable with being an example. As one young girl put it: “It is very hard being the eldest because I get more privileges and responsibilities.” But the fact is, your siblings are influenced by your behavior. They will often imitate your speech, dress, and conduct. As one youth said of his older brother: “I like him to do things first. Then I can see how they are supposed to be done.” Hence, what you do and say is very important! As the authors of Raising Siblings point out: “Being responsible is the parent’s password to firstborns.”
Miriam, the older sister of Moses, was a good example of taking on responsibility toward a sibling. You’ll recall that Moses’ parents defied the king’s order to execute all newborn sons, concealing the baby Moses in a papyrus basket, or ark. Miriam kept an eye on that ark as it floated down the Nile River, and she saw it being safely retrieved by Pharaoh’s daughter. Boldly, Miriam approached her and arranged for the child’s own mother to nurse him. Because of her courageous actions in behalf of her baby brother, Moses not only survived but grew up to be the deliverer of Israel!—Exodus 2:1-10.
Do you feel a similar responsibility toward your brothers and sisters? Rather than resent them, do you try to be their close companion and friend? (Proverbs 17:17) You can, for example, do much by way of offering them help and advice in solving problems. Perhaps one sibling is unable to get along with someone at school. Another may be anxious over some upcoming event—a move to a new location, the first day of school, a trip to the doctor—and may need some encouragement and support. Often, you have already experienced a similar situation and are in a position to share your knowledge and experience. As one teenage girl said of her older sister: “She’s like a guide for me. She understands what I’m going through, because she’s already been through it herself.”
However, there is a danger of taking matters too far.
Know Your Limits!
“He thinks he’s the authority figure,” said one 15-year-old of his older brother. “I get into an argument with him, he’ll slap me across the table. We don’t get along at all.” A teenage girl reports a similar problem in dealing with her younger sisters. “I have sat down with them and showed them a few scriptures,” she relates. “But they get angry! Sometimes our arguments get so violent that we end up in fistfights.”
Unfortunately, youths sometimes confuse being an example with being a boss. While you can be a friend and an adviser to younger brothers and sisters, you will never be their parent! More than likely, they will resent any attempts on your part to deal with them as such by disciplining or counseling them. It is your parents’ job to ‘bring them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah’—not yours! (Ephesians 6:4) So while a word of advice can be fine, if you’re running into resistance, perhaps you’d be wise to back off and let your parents handle the matter.
Knowing your limitations in this regard can also prevent you from getting into conflict with your parents. A younger brother or sister may solicit your advice on a matter that is far beyond your experience to handle. Or he or she may confess some wrongdoing that your parents have the right to know about. Rather than try to handle matters yourself, recall the words of Proverbs 11:2: “Has presumptuousness come? Then dishonor will come; but wisdom is with the modest ones.” Modestly see that your parents are alerted to the situation; indeed, it would be good to encourage your sibling to approach them himself.
One youth points to yet another area in which you must remember your limitations, saying: “I like being the oldest, but sometimes it’s hard to do everything right.” Instead of feeling under an oppressive load, realize that “we all stumble many times.” (James 3:2) Only Jesus Christ is a perfect example! (1 Peter 2:21) So don’t take yourself too seriously.
The Benefits
Striving to set a good example for your younger brothers and sisters has its problems, but it also has its rewards. For one thing, by showing yourself responsible, you will mature more quickly and no doubt earn for yourself yet additional privileges. (Luke 16:10) You will develop abilities and skills that will prove invaluable later, should you have children of your own. Not to be overlooked, too, is the effect your example may have on your younger brothers and sisters, moving them to become responsible, God-fearing adults.
By showing a warm, loving interest in your siblings, you may win their abiding love and respect. True, they will get on your nerves from time to time. But as one teenage girl admits: “There is one thing that I am really thankful for, and that is having two sisters who talk to me about personal problems and give me hugs when I need them.” This bond of love, once forged, can last a lifetime. It is worth the effort it takes to set a good example.
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Help your younger brothers and sisters learn to do things
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An older sister may be resented if she acts like a boss