When to Start and How Much to Say
MANY conscientious parents seem to think that sex education can be handled during an embarrassing ‘birds and bees’ talk on a ten-minute walk in the woods with their 13-year-old. But all too often this proves to be not only far too little but years too late. It is not unusual for a loving parent to comment: “Almost everything I tried to tell them, it seemed they already knew.”
Is there a better way to teach these important matters? If so, when should parents start, and what can they do and say?
Wisely, almost from the baby’s birth, you should begin laying the foundation for imparting this vital instruction. If you start when the child is young, you can provide information calmly, in small digestible bites that are in keeping with your child’s ability to benefit.
As parents bathe their little ones, they may teach them their body parts: “This is your chest . . . your stomach . . . your knee.” Why skip from the stomach to the knee? Is what is in between shameful? Or is it merely private? Of course, we would not use disrespectful street words for these private parts. But why not simply say “penis” or “vulva”? These too are part of the creation that God called “very good.”—Genesis 1:31; 1 Corinthians 12:21-24.
Later, perhaps when the child sees a diaper being changed, you could respectfully say that boys have a penis and girls a vulva. You can explain gently that these things are personal. They are to be talked about only in the family, not with other children or with people outside the family.
Thus, you can explain many things before these might become embarrassing, starting early and moving progressively as the child’s ability to comprehend grows.
Explaining Birth
When three to five years of age,a a child may begin to wonder about birth and may ask: “Where do babies come from?” You could simply answer: “You grew in a warm, safe place inside mommy.” This will probably satisfy for the time being. Later the child may ask: “How does the baby get out?” You could answer: “God made a special opening for the baby to come out.” The attention span of young children is short, so the best answers are simple and direct. Provide the needed information a little at a time, saving more for later.
If parents are alert, they can find many opportunities to teach. If a close relative is expecting a baby, a mother could say: “Aunt Susan will probably be having her baby soon—I was about that size a few weeks before you were born.” The expected birth of a little brother or sister can provide months of exciting and delightful education.
Later the child may wonder: “How did the baby start?” A simple answer is: “A seed from the father meets an egg cell in the mother and a baby starts to grow, just as a seed in the ground will grow into a flower or a tree.” Another time the child may ask: “How does the daddy’s seed get into the mommy?” You could say, respectfully: “You know how a boy is made. He has a penis. A mother has an opening in her body that the penis fits into, and the seed is planted. God made us this way so that babies could grow in a nice, warm place until they are big enough to live on their own. Then a lovely new baby is born!” You can speak in a spirit of wonder at the marvelous way God arranged these things.b
You should be careful never to put questions off with an embarrassed: “I’ll tell you later when you are old enough.” This could heighten children’s curiosity and might even prompt them to seek information from inappropriate sources elsewhere. A child that is old enough to ask the question is old enough to get a simple and respectful answer. Failure to provide one may discourage your children from any longer looking to you for information.
How Soon?
Many parents feel that their children should have a basic understanding of these things at least before they start school, where they may hear much less accurate information from other children.
A grandfather explained: “I had asked no questions, but when I was six years old, my father decided that it was time to explain where babies came from. He said that the sexual union of a man and a woman that might produce a baby was just as natural as eating, but God said that this was only for people who were married. Thus, there would be both a mother and a father to love the child and take care of it.” This grandfather added: “The explanation he gave was just in time. I had already seen six-year-olds laughing about immoral pictures they drew that I did not understand.”
Of course, such explanations should be presented, not as something shameful, but as something private. You can repeat that it is a family secret that should not be mentioned to other children or to people outside the family. If your child slips in this regard, you can gently say: “Shhh! Remember, that is our secret. We talk about it only in the family.”
Not Shocking
If the need for this discussion shocks any reader, just think about how many conscientious young parents are searching for a respectful way to explain these matters to their children. Are not straightforward explanations in a loving home far better than the way many parents first learned these things, from sordid sources outside the family?
If you really listen and if you answer questions in a simple and respectful manner, you will make it far easier for your children to come to you with other questions as the years go by and their need for information grows.
[Footnotes]
a Each child is different. Thus, any reference to age in these articles is intended only in a general way, to show the progressive nature of this teaching.
b The book Making Your Family Life Happy discusses this and many other aspects of moral child-rearing and family life. You may request it from the people who brought you this magazine or from its publishers at the addresses found on page 5.
[Picture on page 6]
An approaching birth provides opportunity for valuable instruction