Helping Those With Eating Disorders

MILLIONS of families worldwide have had to contend with a member who has an eating disorder. Bulimia (food binge and purge), anorexia nervosa (prolonged inability or refusal to eat), and compulsive overeating (uncontrollable eating) have become epidemic in some areas.

These disorders are predominantly a problem of women. They affect females of practically all ages, both single and married. Preteens and teens, as well as older women, including grandmothers, are among the sufferers.a Since over 90 percent of those affected are females, we will use feminine pronouns when addressing those with the problem.

If someone you care about has an eating disorder, no doubt you want to help her. But simply asking a bulimic to stop food binges and purging is like telling a person with pneumonia to stop coughing. Before you can really help one with an eating disorder, you need to identify and address the profound emotional disturbances that are often at the root of the problem. Thus, skill​—not merely good intentions—​is vital. Sometimes the underlying problem stems from past sexual abuse. When it does, the sufferer will usually need special assistance from a capable counselor.b

Address the Problem

Finding out that your child, mate, or friend has an eating problem is not always easy. This is because those with eating disorders may be secretive. (See the accompanying box.) Yet, an eating disorder will not generally go away on its own. The sooner the sufferer is spoken to and given help, the better are the chances of recovery.

However, before speaking to a suspected sufferer, plan carefully what to say and also the best time to say it. The time should be when you are calm and there will not likely be an interruption. The wrong approach​—such as making sweeping threats—​will hinder communication and may make things worse.

When you talk with someone that you suspect has an eating disorder, do not be judgmental, be specific. For instance, you could say, ‘You have lost a lot of weight. Your clothes look big on you. Is there some reason why?’ Or, ‘I heard you vomiting in the bathroom. I know that this is embarrassing, but I want to help. Can we be frank with each other?’ Even if the person responds with anger and denial, a calm approach may persuade her to discuss the matter. (Proverbs 16:21) Achieving an open discussion is a realistic goal for your first conversation.

Eating disorders often develop when family members are excessively conscious of body size and when children are praised mainly for their appearance or accomplishments. Therefore, in a family where a member has an eating disorder, others in the family may have to reassess their attitudes and priorities. The solution to a sufferer’s problem may well require changes by family members. Indeed, their efforts are often one of the most important factors in a sufferer’s recovery.

Avoid Power Struggles

In one family exasperated parents literally tried to stuff food into an anorexic’s mouth, but the girl resisted and felt pleased with herself that she could resist her parents’ efforts. So recognize that you cannot force another person to eat or to stop going on food binges. The more you try to force the sufferer, the more stubborn the battle may become.

“Things got worse every time I made an issue of her eating,” admitted Joe, whose daughter Lee almost died from anorexia. “I had to back off totally from talking about eating matters.” His wife, Ann, explained what did benefit their daughter: “We helped her to feel that she could be in control of herself without having to resort to such extremes. This saved her life.” Wisely, deemphasize the whole issue of eating. Help the sufferer to see that when she eats, she does so for herself and not for you.

Help Build Confidence

Most people with eating disorders are perfectionists. Many have had little experience with failure. Their parents​—with the best of intentions—​have at times contributed to the problem. How? By being overly protective, trying to shield their child from any adversity.

So a parent needs to help a child realize that her mistakes are a part of life and do not determine her self-​worth. “The righteous one may fall even seven times,” says Proverbs 24:16, “and he [or, she] will certainly get up.” A child will not be crushed by adversity if she is taught that defeats are normal, transient, and can be overcome.

A parent must also accept and appreciate the uniqueness of each child. While a Christian parent endeavors to train a child in the “mental-​regulating of Jehovah,” he should still allow the child to be an individual. (Ephesians 6:4) Don’t try to fit a child into a mold created in your mind. To overcome an eating disorder, a child must feel that her individuality is respected and cherished.

Develop Open Communication

In many families where a child or a mate has an eating disorder, poor communication exists. Those with a disorder usually have difficulty voicing their real feelings when these differ from a parent’s or a mate’s. This is especially so in a home where the rule has been, ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.’ So the sufferer resorts to food to block out inner frustration.

For instance, Matthew was unable to help his wife overcome her compulsive overeating. “Whenever she’s upset she cries and then goes and eats,” he lamented. “She never . . . really tells me what’s disturbing her.” A counselor suggested that the two of them set aside an hour a week to talk in private and that they take turns expressing any complaints without the other interrupting. “It was an eye-​opener,” said Matthew. “I had no idea Monica was so unhappy about so many things and that I could be so defensive. I thought I was a good listener but I really wasn’t.”

Thus, to help your mate or your child, be willing to listen to her negative feelings and dissatisfactions. According to the Scriptures, listening to “the complaining cry of the lowly one” is proper. (Proverbs 21:13) Joe and Ann had to learn this lesson.

“I had to stop jumping to conclusions and showing my irritation when Lee had a different viewpoint,” confided Joe regarding his anorexic daughter. His wife, Ann, said: “Listen to what the child wants to say. Don’t try to put your words in her mouth. Listen to how she really feels about things.”

Ann illustrated the matter: “Previously, when Lee complained that someone had hurt her feelings, I would tell her that the person didn’t really mean to do it. But she would get even more upset. Now when she complains, I say, ‘I know that must have hurt. I can see why it would make you feel really bad.’ I try to empathize rather than change her viewpoint right then.” So really listen, and do not assume that you already know another’s intentions or feelings.

When there is open communication, one can find comfort during emotional storms and does not feel compelled to resort to unhealthy eating practices. Dawn explained why she has never returned to her compulsive overeating and bulimia: “When I’m upset, I can always talk to my husband because he is so understanding and comforting.”

Show Self-​Sacrificing Love

A grieving father whose bulimic daughter died from heart failure gave this advice: “Love your children even more than you think is enough.” Yes, be generous with expressions of love. Help your child and your spouse to sense that your love for them does not depend on their looks or achievements. But loving someone caught in the vise of an eating disorder is not easy. This is why the key is self-​sacrificing love, which the Bible describes as being kind, patient, and forgiving. It is a willingness to put another’s interests ahead of your own.​—1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

When one couple learned that their daughter was bulimic, they were baffled as to what to do. “I felt that if you are not quite sure what to do, do the kind thing,” the father noted. “I realized she was a precious girl who had a very serious personal problem. The kind thing was to give her reassurance and emotional support.”

He asked his daughter: “Do you mind if your mother and I regularly ask you how you are making out with the problem?” She expressed appreciation for this kindly concern, and so the parents would inquire from time to time.

“There were times when she would go a few days, then a few weeks, then a few months before she would have a relapse,” the father explained. “But when she admitted that she had slipped up again, we tried to encourage her and not to appear disappointed.” The mother added: “We did a lot of talking. I told her that she was obviously making progress. I said, ‘Just don’t give up. You went two weeks this time. Let’s see how far you can go now.’”

“One of the reasons we failed to note our daughter’s bizarre eating habits was that we rarely ate supper together,” the father observed. “So I changed my work schedule to be home with the family for supper.” Making that adjustment to eat together, along with providing patient and loving attention, helped their daughter to recover fully.

While striving to do what is best for the sufferer, it is important to provide needed discipline, which is a manifestation of love. (Proverbs 13:24) Do not shield the sufferer from the consequences of her actions. Making her use her own money to replace the food used during a binge, or requiring her to clean up the mess in a bathroom from self-​induced vomiting, can teach her that she is responsible for her behavior. By insisting that she live by reasonable household rules, you convey your confidence that she is capable of managing her life properly. This can bolster the self-​esteem commonly lacking among those with eating disorders.

Because of inner turmoil, a sufferer may speak in anger. If she does, endeavor to look beyond the outburst. Try to find and deal with the source of the “vexation.” (Job 6:2, 3) It was a special challenge for Joe and Ann when their anorexic daughter became rebellious and verbally abusive.

“We kept trying to show her love instead of just throwing her out on the street,” said Ann. Her husband added: “We kept searching for help for her and told her how much we cared for her.” The result? She finally realized that her parents must love her very much, and she began to open up to them.

When the sufferer is a child, the strain on parents, especially the mother, is intense. Husbands, therefore, must give their wives vital emotional support. Do not sacrifice your marriage for your child’s illness. Accept your limitations.

In some cases, you may need to seek help outside the family. Evaluate all the factors involved, and determine what kind of help would be best. It will take firmness if the sufferer is reluctant. Let her know that you will act to protect her life if necessary, but avoid saying things that you can’t carry out.

There will be times when you feel powerless and the situation seems hopeless, but never forget to lay such problems in prayer before the God of love. He can help! “We realized that it was beyond our ability to handle,” confided Joe. “The main thing we learned was to put our trust totally in Jehovah God. He never failed us.”

[Footnotes]

[Box on page 13]

SOME SIGNS OF EATING DISORDERS

◼ Restricted eating, such as by severe diet or fasting

◼ Extreme weight loss or weight fluctuation

◼ Odd food rituals, such as cutting food into tiny pieces

◼ Intense fear of becoming fat, regardless of low weight

◼ Preoccupation with and constant talk about food and/​or weight, often coupled with harsh exercise routine

◼ Cessation of menstruation

◼ Withdrawal from others, signs of secrecy, especially spending a long time in bathroom

◼ Emotional changes, such as depression and irritability

◼ Overeating when angry, nervous, or excited

◼ Abuse of diuretics, diet pills, or purgatives, such as laxatives

[Picture on page 15]

Empathetic listening is vital