Young People Ask . . .

Why Stay a Virgin?

“VIRGINITY,” says writer Lesley Jane Nonkin, “has become like baby teeth, ‘something to lose before graduation.’” Statements like this reflect the permissive, freewheeling attitude that many youths have toward sex. Nowadays, a youth who is still a virgin is likely to be viewed as a curiosity, an oddball. In one youth survey, boys admitted that they were “desperate” to lose their virginity. Virgin girls admitted to feeling “abnormal.”

As a previous article showed, however, virginity is proper in the eyes of God.a He holds it in high esteem and condemns premarital sex as morally wrong and harmful. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8) Even so, staying a virgin requires standing up to immense pressures. Why should a youth do so? Are there advantages to remaining a virgin?

The Way to Find Love?

Many youths think of sex as simply a way to express love​—or to be loved by someone. It’s only natural to want to be loved. And youths often have particular needs in this regard. Explains the book Coping With Teenage Depression: “The decreasing amount of intimacy and nurturing in many families causes teenagers to look elsewhere for such comfort and closeness. Many families today lead busy lives with little time for each other and for shared activities and confidences. . . . If the teen can’t find love and caring at home, he or she . . . will see sexual activity as the ultimate step toward intimacy and the proof of being loved and valued.”

This proved true for a young girl named Ann. She explains: “There are many young persons who feel as though they are not loved, maybe because their parents don’t show them a lot of attention. Soon they need and desire to be loved or to be close to someone. This happened to me. I turned to some boy for love.”

True love, however, “does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) Within the context of an honorable marriage, sex serves a dignified and beautiful purpose. (Genesis 1:28; Proverbs 5:15-19) But outside of marriage, it often serves as little more than a salve for emotional wounds, an escape from pressures, a way to bolster a sagging ego, a response to peer pressure, or a chance to enjoy the intimacies of marriage without accepting its responsibilities. Dr. Louis Fine concluded: “For the most part, the sexual act of a young adolescent is hostile, angry, and self-​destructive; it is not a demonstration of caring, sharing, or feeling.”​—“After All We’ve Done for Them”—​Understanding Adolescent Behavior.

Ann found this to be true in her case. “I got pregnant,” she recalls. “And when that happened, I realized that my parents did care, that they did love me. It was my parents who stuck by me through my pregnancy​—not the guy I turned to for love. He’s gone.”

Even when no dire consequences, such as pregnancy, result, illicit relations often leave one feeling hurt and empty. Says the book The Private Life of the American Teenager: “Some feel exploited by boyfriends who threaten to walk out unless they agree to have intercourse. And if they do agree, they often end up feeling used, especially if the relationship ends or if it continues on a purely sexual basis.”

When Too Young to Marry

Some feel that sex can help a couple to draw close to each other. But if a couple is too young to marry, what purpose does getting so close serve? The result can only be emotional pain when the relationship suffers its virtually inevitable breakup. In his book How to Raise Parents, writer Clayton Barbeau reminds us that “adolescence is when you’re putting yourself together, finding out who you are.” He asks: “If you don’t know who you are, how can you love, and therefore know, someone else?”

Besides, sex in a courtship tends to squelch, not promote, meaningful communication. At the same time, feelings of guilt can work to drive a couple apart. (Romans 2:15) “My guilt caused an even wider gap in our relationship,” confessed one girl. “I resented [my boyfriend] for making me feel so bad about myself. I couldn’t even look my parents in the eyes anymore I felt so ashamed.” Laments another youth: “I threw away everything I believed in, my values and self-​respect, and my clean conscience​—all in order to feel loved.”

Writer Clayton Barbeau thus summed it up well when he said: “I think teenagers playing with sex are like infants handling nitroglycerin.”

The Key to a Happy Marriage?

Some youths feel that gaining sexual experience will better prepare them for marriage. The facts show otherwise. For one thing, intimate problems in marriage are usually related to emotional factors​—not a lack of sexual experience. If anything, premarital sex is destructive to a marriage. It tears down mutual respect and teaches a couple to relate to each other primarily on a physical basis; emotional intimacy is neglected. As the book Building a Successful Marriage observes: “Premarital intercourse must of necessity be chiefly on the physical level, characterized by selfishness rather than mutuality.” In the long run, a selfish view of sex results in marital misery. Marital satisfaction comes when a married couple apply Bible principles and are more concerned with giving than with selfishly receiving.​—1 Corinthians 7:3; compare Acts 20:35.

The book Why Wait Till Marriage? points out another problem: “Men and women who have been permissive sexually before marriage cannot be expected to change miraculously when they marry. With few exceptions, they continue to manage their sex impulses as they did before they married.” The book concludes: “If fidelity in marriage is important to you, then recognize that it is tied in with fidelity before marriage.” Remaining a virgin until marriage can help you develop the moral strength needed to obey the Bible’s command: “Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers.”​—Hebrews 13:4.

An article in a respected medical journal thus concludes: “It is clear that virgins have a better predicted chance for marital success because they often have other virtues, such as greater devotion to duty, more ability to delay gratification, increased concern for following the rules, and similar characteristics.” Those who foolishly discard their virginity will thus have much to regret.b Said one girl: “I am 14 years old and have lost my virginity. With all my heart and soul, I deeply regret it. My heart aches because I wanted to be the virgin lady my future husband would desire.”

Avoid Wronging Yourself

There is one final advantage to virginity that you should consider. The Bible shows that those who flout God’s laws are “wronging themselves as a reward for wrongdoing.” (2 Peter 2:13) How could premarital sex result in such a wronging of yourself? Consider, for example, an article in Seventeen magazine: “AIDS researchers say they are becoming increasingly alarmed by what they see as a growing spread of the AIDS virus among teenagers.” Yet, in spite of all the publicity surrounding this deadly disease, one study reveals that “only about one-​third [of youths surveyed] had altered their sexual behavior as a result of fear of the disease.”

Such youths also fail to realize that immoral behavior may result in pregnancy, a score of sexually transmitted diseases in addition to AIDS, emotional trauma, a seared conscience, and​—worst of all—​a damaged relationship with God. Do not wrong yourself. Proverbs 14:16 says: “The wise one fears and is turning away from badness.” Do not be lulled into believing the myth of “safe sex.” As far as God is concerned, the only sex that is safe and acceptable is within the bond of marriage. Until then, treasure your virginity. Don’t let others make you ashamed of it or persuade you to toss it away.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 26]

Many who give up their virginity before marriage feel used and exploited