Young People Ask . . .

Why Did Our Grandparents Move In?

YOU used to enjoy the privacy of your own room. Now you share it with a brother or a sister. You used to be able to invite friends over. Now you can’t because they ‘make too much noise.’ You used to have time for fun and leisure. Now much of that time is taken up with family chores. Your parents used to be relaxed and easy to talk to. Now they are touchy, on edge. Yes, your grandparents have moved in, and things are just not the way they used to be.

Not that you don’t love your grandparents. But getting along with them may not always be easy. You find yourself losing your patience, becoming annoyed over relatively trivial matters. A youth named Victoria put it this way: “Older people have a way about them. My grandmother will ask me to bring her a footstool, even though her wheelchair has one built into it. Or I’ll come home tired, wanting to lie down a while, and she will want to talk to me instead. My grandmother will talk while we are trying to watch television. If she does watch, she gets the details all wrong, and we have to explain them to her.”

If one or both of your grandparents have moved in, it is likely that you are experiencing some tension and turmoil yourself. Relax, though​—your family is not falling apart. It is merely adapting to a difficult situation. And you can do much to ensure your own happiness and peace of mind by (1) understanding and accepting your family obligations and (2) developing real “fellow feeling” for your parents and grandparents.​—1 Peter 3:8.

A Christian Obligation

Yours is not the only family facing this situation. In the United States, for example, most old people receive some measure of help and support from their grown children; relatively few elderly ones are placed in institutions such as nursing homes.a The Intimate Environment, by Arlene S. Skolnick, states: “The overwhelming majority of old people are in regular contact with their children, see them often, and turn to them in times of difficulty.”

While it is only natural to have a sense of obligation toward one’s parents, Christians have an even greater sense of obligation toward God. Said the apostle Paul: “If any widow has children or grandchildren, let these learn first to practice godly devotion in their own household and to keep paying a due compensation to their parents and grandparents, for this is acceptable in God’s sight. Certainly if anyone does not provide for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith.” (1 Timothy 5:4, 8; compare Mark 7:10-13.) Note that children and grandchildren are charged to share in caring for ‘their own.’

Jesus Christ himself set the example in this regard. Though dying a painful death on the torture stake, Jesus set aside his own concerns and made provision for the care of his aging mother, assigning his cousin John to care for her. Although John had important obligations as an apostle, he took Jesus’ mother to his own home “from that hour on.”​—John 19:26, 27.

Honoring one’s parents is therefore a Christian responsibility and a privilege. (Ephesians 6:2) A parent is not cast off because he or she has grown old or needs special care. (Proverbs 23:22) The Bible further tells us to treat the elderly with respect due to their wisdom and experience. (Leviticus 19:32; Proverbs 16:31) Why, Jehovah himself deals kindly with older ones and continues to use them in his service!​—Compare Joel 2:28; Acts 2:17.

‘I Didn’t Think It Would Be So Hard’

In view of all of this, you may better appreciate why your parents invited your grandparents to live with you. At first you no doubt tried to be optimistic, or at least open-​minded, about everything. You knew you would have to make some changes​—even sacrifices. But you had always got along well with your grandparents, and you figured that this good relationship would continue. Now that they’ve moved in, though, you are finding the situation to be far more difficult than you ever imagined.

This is quite typical. In many lands three generations​—grandparents, parents, and children—​customarily live in the same dwelling. Caring for sick or disabled parents is a part of their culture and is not viewed as a severe hardship. But in Western lands, where families are generally used to living in their own separate homes, having elderly ones move in is often perceived as a major disruption. Be assured, though, that you are not the only one whose life has been turned upside-​down. Indeed, it may very well be that the situation is tougher for your parents and grandparents than it is for you.

The Stress on Your Parents

Consider first your parents. How do you think you might feel if you had to watch them grow old and deteriorate physically, mentally, and emotionally? How might it affect you if the ones you always depended on gradually became unable to care for themselves? Would that not be a painful, heartbreaking experience? Then you can well imagine how your folks feel at seeing this happen to their parents. Understandably, they may at times seem sad or on edge.

Your parents may also be finding that it is not always easy to get along with your grandparents. Older ones often revert to treating their adult offspring like small children. (In other words, you may not be the only one in the house who is ordered to ‘keep the noise down!’) Some old people tend to complain about their care​—at times accusing very dutiful children of neglect. Some also make a habit of vocalizing their opinions on child rearing, accusing their adult offspring of being too weak or too strict. Your parents may well know that your grandparents are not trying to be malicious or cruel. But having already sacrificed much in their behalf, your parents may bitterly resent any criticism from them. And when they react by dealing with your grandparents in a less than loving or patient way, they may feel guilty and angry with themselves.

Your parents may also be unhappy about the changes in life-​style they have had to make. The family budget may be stretched to the breaking point. If both parents work, the added demands of care-​giving may leave them weary, exhausted. They may also be forced to do without former avenues of relaxation and refreshment. And then there is the marital strain that can result from all of this, especially if one parent feels that he or she is carrying an unfair share of the care-​giving load.

The Grandparents’ Lot

The situation may be no less stressful for your grandparents. The Bible calls old age “the calamitous days.” (Ecclesiastes 12:1-7) It is calamitous, indeed, to watch one’s own health deteriorate. Add to that the stress of being suddenly thrust into new surroundings. Most elderly people prefer privacy and independence. Indeed, the book The Intimate Environment quotes two experts as saying: “Most elderly people want love and attention from their children, but not necessarily their help with money, housing, or other charitable gestures. Indeed, some prefer to do things for their children and grandchildren, rather than be on the receiving end of things.”

It is hard, then, for your grandparents to suffer the loss of their independence​—to be forced to become dependent on those who once depended on them. So do not be surprised if they are a bit difficult to deal with at times. And having enjoyed their own home​—and peace and quiet—​for many years, they may find it hard to be around exuberant teenagers. Loud music and conversation may upset them.

One thing is clear: Adapting to the situation is a challenge for everyone. However, other Christian families are facing similar difficulties and are dealing with them successfully. (Compare 1 Peter 5:9.) The key is that you strive to manifest “the fruitage of the spirit” and “the new personality” to an intensified degree! (Galatians 5:22, 23; Ephesians 4:24; Colossians 3:13, 14) Rather than pulling apart, pull together as a family. Our next issue will address some ways that this can be done.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 20]

Your grandparents’ moving in may mean a loss of privacy