Young People Ask . . .

Will I Turn Out Like My Brother?

“YOU’RE going to turn out just like your brother! Be careful, or you’ll end up just like him!”

If you have a brother or a sister who went astray​—who perhaps was put out of your parents’ home, thrown in jail, or expelled from the Christian congregation—​these hurtful words may not be new to your ears. Parents, teachers, well-​meaning relatives, and even some of your peers may repeat them again and again. You may sometimes get the feeling that some friends are avoiding you.

Of course, having a sibling pursue a wayward course is a painful experience in itself. A girl named Carol, whose brother was disfellowshipped (expelled) from the Christian congregation, recalls: “I was closer to my brother than to anyone else. When he quit being a Christian, it affected me very deeply.”a Becky, who was 15 years old when her sister was disfellowshipped, likewise recalls: “I can still remember the day she told me she was being expelled. I felt so much pain and was very hurt. I felt betrayed. How could she do this to us?”

It is also painful to lose the free communication one enjoyed with an older sibling. Becky laments: “We were so close. I missed being able to talk to her and do things with her.” Add to that loss the disappointment of seeing the failure of someone you have looked up to as an example. A youth named Marvin says regarding his older brother: “We looked up to him. But now we didn’t have him anymore.”

The most painful part of it all, though, may be the lingering fear that you may be destined to turn out the same way.

Follow the Leader?

In one survey, 64.9 percent of youths admitted to being strongly influenced by an older sibling. Said one girl: “My older brother . . . was very influential on my life. He always showed a special interest in me. He took me places with his friends, taught me how to write, tie my shoes, and was always there if I had the slightest problem.”​—Adolescents and Youth, by Dorothy Rogers.

So when an esteemed sibling suddenly rebels, “teenagers are likely to do a tailspin,” according to writer Joy P. Gage. She relates the story of a girl named Linda who looked up to her older brother. When he suddenly left his wife, Linda’s cherished model “disappeared.” Says Joy Gage: “This brother whom she had felt so obligated to emulate was no longer worth emulating.” As a result, “Linda was angry. She was even panic-​stricken.” Linda began experimenting with alcohol.​—When Parents Cry.

Such an overreaction is not unusual. In fact, the book How to Survive Your Child’s Rebellious Teens, by Myron Brenton, notes that “to a greater or lesser degree, the other children in the family are always affected by a sibling’s rebellious behavior.” Brenton explains that sometimes the remaining youths in the family “feel threatened. Apprehensively they wonder: ‘Can this happen to me? Will I ever act this crazy? Do I have that kind of craziness in me?’”

Choose a Different Path

Does any of this mean, though, that you are destined to follow your sibling’s bad example? Not at all. You have the power to choose for yourself what course you will take. (Compare Joshua 24:15.) Many God-​fearing youths in Bible times did just that.

Consider young Jacob, for example. His twin brother, Esau, was one “not appreciating sacred things.” (Hebrews 12:16) Jacob, however, became a blameless man of faith. (Genesis 25:27; Hebrews 11:21) Eleazar and Ithamar, the two younger sons of Aaron, remained faithful in Jehovah’s service when their older brothers, Nadab and Abihu, were executed by Jehovah. These older brothers were apparently put to death for overstepping their priestly duties while under the influence of alcohol. But neither Eleazar nor Ithamar imitated their brothers, and both got to enjoy privileges as priests of Jehovah God.​—Leviticus 10:1-11.

You too can choose a godly course of conduct and avoid bringing heartbreak to yourself and to your parents.

‘They’re Avoiding Me’

Nevertheless, Carol complains: “Everyone is waiting for me to make a mistake. Some parents even think that I will be a bad influence on their children.” Perhaps you sometimes feel that way yourself. But what may appear to be merciless scrutiny often turns out to be well-​motivated concern. However, as they see you consistently maintain good behavior, their worries will usually diminish.​—Compare 1 Peter 2:12.

Why, though, have some friends suddenly become distant? Probably this is, not so much because they mistrust you, but because they simply do not know what to say. They may feel awkward approaching you, realizing that you and your family have experienced a great deal of hurt; maybe they fear they’ll say the wrong thing. Why not do what you can to break the ice by initiating conversations? Try to be calm and gracious if others ask touchy questions, such as, “What happened to your brother?”

Admittedly, some may seem to shun you. And when people treat you as if you’re a bad person, it is tempting to feel that you may just as well go ahead and do bad things. Always remember, though, the words of Galatians 6:9: “Let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due season we shall reap if we do not tire out.”

Usually, the initial period of awkwardness soon passes. Says young Becky: “In time people began to treat me as they had in the past.” She adds: “The fact that all my friends did not shun me was a big help. They were there for me.” Most of your fellow Christians will be there for you too. They can do much to help you “keep making straight paths for your feet.”​—Hebrews 12:13.

Talk Things Out

True, at times you may feel like a young man named Fred whose brother was disfellowshipped. “I would just keep to myself,” he confesses. “But I realized that it didn’t help me or my parents to keep things inside.” Yes, avoid isolating yourself, especially from your parents. (Proverbs 18:1) Marvin gives good advice when he says: “Talk it out with somebody. You have to!”

For example, do some in the congregation appear to be treating you coolly? Your parents may be able to help if you alert them to the problem. Or perhaps you are frustrated because your parents are focusing all their attention on your wayward sibling and ignoring your needs. Don’t misbehave to attract their attention. Instead, have a heart-​to-​heart talk with them, and let them know how you feel.

Fred used to take advantage of his family Bible study to do this. “If I had a problem, I would use that opportunity to talk the matter over with Dad and Mom.” By such discussions you may be helped to appreciate how devastating the situation has been to your parents too. At the same time, they will better understand your feelings and will probably arrange to give you more personal attention.

Of course, not all youths have God-​fearing parents. If such is the case, try talking things out with a mature Christian. (Proverbs 17:17) It also helps to stay busy in spiritual activities. “You’ve got to show that you really don’t want to turn out bad,” says Marvin. “And when you stay active and show you really want the truth, your Christian brothers are more likely to be there to support you.”

In any event, you always have the support of your heavenly Father. (Psalm 27:10) “Before him pour out your heart,” says Psalm 62:8. He can serve as a real refuge for you. He truly understands what you are inside, even when others misunderstand or misjudge you.​—1 Samuel 16:7.

You Can Be Different

A Bible proverb says: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself.” (Proverbs 22:3) Yes, if ever tempted to follow your sibling, reflect on the fruitage of his or her bad course. Says Becky: “Seeing the results of my sister’s actions helped me avoid getting into trouble myself.”

Fred, Marvin, and Becky​—quoted in this article—​turned out differently from their wayward siblings; each pursued a career in the Christian ministry. What about you? You may always love your sibling. But you do not have to live like him or her. You can make your own choices. You can be different.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 21]

You do not have to join your brother in rebellion