Help Your Children Cope With Stress
“Many children find no one home —physically or emotionally—when they need to talk.”—Depression—What Families Should Know.
THE family has well been called an emotional laboratory. It is a research center wherein a child tests his beliefs, observes the results, and begins to reach certain conclusions about life. How can parents ensure that their children are conducting such vital experimentation in a healthy rather than a stressful environment?
Listen
The book The Child in Crisis urges parents: “Keep the dialogue going.” As a lifeline between parent and child, dialogue is especially vital when there has been some sort of traumatic event in the family. Never assume that because the child is silent, he is taking it well or adjusting. He may simply be bottling up anxiety and suffering in silence, as did one seven-year-old girl who gained 30 pounds [15 kg] in the six months following her parents’ separation.
The word “dialogue” indicates that two or more speakers are involved. Thus, the parent should not do all the talking. Rick and Sue sought counseling when their six-year-old son developed uncontrollably rude behavior at home. After meeting with the entire family, the counselor observed something. “The parents intellectualized a lot, with long and often excessive explanations,” he said. “Furthermore, the parents tended to monopolize the conversation, and I could see the children growing impatient.” It is advantageous to let a child express himself. (Compare Job 32:20.) If he cannot talk out his problems when they develop, he may act them out later.—Compare Proverbs 18:1.
Dialogue is important when discipline is needed. How does the child feel about the correction? Does he understand why it is being given? Rather than simply telling the child how he should feel, find out what is in his heart. Reason with him so that he can be guided to the proper conclusion. “Offer food for thought,” writes Elaine Fantle Shimberg, “but let your child do the chewing.”
Acknowledge Feelings
Some parents stifle dialogue with such statements as: “Stop your crying.” “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “It isn’t really that bad.” It is far better to acknowledge the child’s feelings. “I see that something has made you sad.” “You look really upset.” “I know you must be disappointed.” This will keep the dialogue going.
The book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk makes a valid observation in this regard: “The more you try to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortably you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them. I guess you could say that if you want to have a happy family, you’d better be prepared to permit the expression of a lot of unhappiness.”—Compare Ecclesiastes 7:3.
Empathize
“Since most adults view a child’s world from their own frame of reference,” writes Mary Susan Miller, “it is difficult for them to imagine any life but their own as stressful.”
Yes, parents easily forget the pains and anxieties they themselves experienced while growing up. Therefore, they often minimize the stresses their children feel. Parents must remember what it was like to face the loss of a pet, the death of a friend, the move to a new neighborhood. They should recall their own childhood fears, even the irrational ones. Remembering is a key to empathy.
Set the Right Example
How your child handles stress depends to a great extent upon how you as a parent handle it. Do you try to reduce stress by resorting to violence? Then do not be surprised when your child acts out his anxiety in a similar way. Do you suffer in silence when deeply disturbed? Then how can you demand that your child be open and trusting? Are stressful feelings so hidden in your household that they are denied rather than acknowledged and worked out? Then do not be startled by the physical and emotional toll it may take on your child, for any attempt to bury anxiety will normally only increase the severity of its expression.
Raising children in a stress-filled world presents special challenges to parents. Study of the Bible has helped many to meet these challenges. This is what we would expect, for the Author of the Bible is also the Originator of family life. “God’s wisdom is proved right by its results,” said Jesus Christ. (Matthew 11:19, The New English Bible) Through their putting Bible principles into practice, parents will find that the Scriptures are “beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness.”—2 Timothy 3:16.
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Wholesome communication relieves stress
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Boy spills milk, brother jeers at him, but father understandingly comforts him