Young People Ask . . .

What If I Fall For an Unbeliever?

“I have a problem,” confessed one Christian girl. “I have a crush on my neighbor. He is kind, polite, and considerate, but there is one thing he is not​—a lover of Jehovah. I know it is wrong for me to like him, but I am not sure how to handle my feelings for him.”

Mark was 14 years old when he found himself in a similar situation.a He became infatuated with a girl who did not share his religious beliefs. “I would often daydream about what it would be like together, married,” he says. “But I knew it was wrong.”

CRUSHES and infatuations are common during the teenage years, when romantic impulses run strong. (Compare 1 Corinthians 7:36.) Having no safe outlet for such feelings, youths are prone to develop infatuations for favorite teachers, entertainers, and the like. Since personal relationships with such adults are, for the most part, unattainable, these crushes are usually short-​lived and relatively harmless.b What, though, if you have developed strong feelings for a peer​—someone willing and able to have a relationship—​but that person simply does not share your religious beliefs?

Some might not see this as a problem. For one thing, many youths have little interest in religion. And even among those who do, dating someone of a different faith may not always be frowned upon. Liberal-​minded people might even approve of it. Many adults, though, see the potential problems in such relationships, especially since they often result in marriage. Writer Andrea Eagan thus advised youths: “Having the same religious background isn’t important if neither of you is religious. But if religious practice is important to one or both of you, then differences about religion do have to be taken into consideration. . . . You don’t have to be the same when it comes to religion . . . , but you do have to be able to live with each other.”

Such advice may sound reasonable. But in reality it reflects “the wisdom of this world.” (1 Corinthians 3:19) The Bible shows that a romance between a believer and an unbeliever raises issues of far greater importance than marital compatibility. Youths among Jehovah’s Witnesses know this is a matter of obedience to God’s Word, which urges Christians to marry “only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39) Since dating is not mere recreation but a prelude to marriage, it would displease God for one of his servants to get romantically involved with someone who has not dedicated his or her life to Jehovah.

Even so, some Witness youths have found themselves becoming attracted to unbelievers. How does this happen? What should you do if you find yourself in such a situation?

How It Happens

Realize, first of all, that all humans are prone to error. “Mistakes​—who can discern?” asked the psalmist. (Psalm 19:12) Youths are particularly subject to errors in the realm of romance. Why? For the simple reason that they lack the shrewdness that comes with experience and age. (Proverbs 1:4) Having had little experience in dealing with the opposite sex, a Christian youth may simply not know how to handle romantic attraction​—or attention.

This was the case with Sheila when she realized that a schoolmate had a crush on her. “I could tell that he liked me,” said Sheila. “During lunch hours he would come over and eat with me. During study periods in the library, he would seek me out.” Sheila’s feelings for the boy began to grow. Mark, mentioned earlier, similarly recalls: “I would always see this girl in gym class. She would go out of her way to come up and talk to me. It was not hard for a friendship to develop.” In the case of 14-​year-​old Pam, a neighborhood boy went so far as to give her a ring as an expression of his affection for her.

Admittedly, it has not always been a case of a Witness being the innocent victim of advances. One girl was merely reciprocating the obvious interest shown by a Christian boy named Jim. The pressure was on, though, when one day she showed up at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses, looking for him!

Whatever the circumstances, you may have known it was wrong to get involved. But sometimes it is hard to resist attention from the opposite sex. Consider Andrew. During his first year in high school, his parents were going through a divorce. “I needed someone to talk to,” he recalls. A girl in school seemed always to have the right word of encouragement for him. Mutual romantic feelings soon developed.

The Dangers

Left unchecked, such feelings can get you in real trouble. Proverbs 6:27 says: “Can a man rake together fire into his bosom and yet his very garments not be burned?” Consider, for example, the experience of a girl named Kim. Although raised as a Christian, she allowed herself to get emotionally involved with a boy at school. “He was one of the most popular and exciting guys in school,” Kim recalls. Before long she was secretly attending parties where drugs were used openly. “I was so scared, but I was in love with him. I became pregnant.” Kim married her boyfriend, but he ended up in prison for armed robbery. Once again the Bible’s warning had proved true: “Bad associations spoil useful habits.”​—1 Corinthians 15:33.

This is not to imply that all youths who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses are immoral or use drugs. At the very least, however, such youths do not share the same values, viewpoints, or goals as Witness youths. First Corinthians 2:14 explains that an unbeliever simply “does not receive the things of the spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot get to know them, because they are examined spiritually.” Think of how much your religious values have shaped your emotions​—the joy you experience at Christian meetings, the thrill of sharing the Bible’s message with a receptive person, the pleasure of studying the Bible itself. Can an unbeliever possibly grasp​—much less share—​such feelings? Hardly.

Paul thus exhorts Christians: “Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers. For what fellowship do righteousness and lawlessness have? Or what sharing does light have with darkness? Further, what harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what portion does a faithful person have with an unbeliever?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, 15) Young Sonya learned this lesson firsthand when she became emotionally involved with an unbeliever. She admits: “Having a companion who doesn’t share your zeal and love for Jehovah is the worst loneliness imaginable. It is emotionally crushing. When the truth is the motivating force of your life, you have to share it​—you just have to! It’s such a very empty feeling when you can’t share it with your mate because you’re with an unbeliever.”

In such a relationship, then, religion is likely to become, not a common ground, but a focal point of contention. You could easily feel forced to downplay your spiritual interests in order to keep peace. But doing so would only devastate your spirituality. One young woman relates: “I became quite close with a guy who was not a Witness. But as the friendship grew closer, I realized I had fallen in love with him. Little by little my relationship with Jehovah kept having less importance for me; my relationship with this boy became the most important thing to me. I no longer wanted to go to meetings, associate with my Christian brothers, or go out in the preaching work. All I wanted to do was to be with him. I became inactive as a Witness for the next two years. And throughout it all, my ‘friend’ never reciprocated my love for him. I kept thinking that someday he eventually would, but it never happened.”

Yes, getting involved with someone who doesn’t share your religious and moral values is sure to bring you sorrow and unhappiness. The course of wisdom is to withdraw from such an uneven yoking. But how can you do so when you feel strongly about someone? This will be the subject of our next article in this series.

[Footnotes]

[Picture on page 19]

Will an unbeliever share your enthusiasm for spiritual matters?