Harsh Words, Crushed Spirits

“You stupid slowpoke!”a A woman in Japan remembers those words all too well—they were flung at her frequently when she was a small child. By whom? Schoolchildren? Siblings? No. By her parents. She recalls: “I used to get depressed because the name-calling cut me deeply.”

A man in the United States remembers that as a child, he felt fearful and anxious whenever his father came home. “To this day I can still hear the sound of the tires on the driveway,” he recalls, “and it goes through me like a chill. My little sister would hide. My father was a perfectionist and constantly browbeat us for not doing a good enough job on all the chores we had to do.”

This man’s sister adds: “I don’t remember either of my parents ever hugging us, kissing us, or saying anything like ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m proud of you.’ And to a child, never hearing ‘I love you’ feels the same as hearing ‘I hate you’—every day of his life.”

SOME might say that the distress these people suffered as children was minor. Certainly it is not unusual for children to be on the receiving end of harsh, unkind words and mean treatment. This is not the stuff of lurid newspaper headlines and sensational tabloid TV shows. The damage is not visible. But if parents mistreat their children in such ways day after day, the effects may be devastating nonetheless—and last for a lifetime.

Consider the 1990 follow-up to a 1951 study that examined the parenting practices used on a group of five-year-old children. Researchers managed to track down many of these children, now in mid-life, to gain insight into the long-term effects of their upbringing. The new study concluded that the children who ended up having the hardest time in life, who lacked emotional well-being, and who had a hard time in marriage, friendships, and even at work, were not necessarily the children of poor parents nor of rich parents nor even of obviously troubled parents. They were children whose parents were distant and cold and showed little or no affection.

This finding is only a pale reflection of a truth that was written down nearly 2,000 years ago: “You fathers, do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.” (Colossians 3:21) Verbal and emotional abuse from parents certainly does exasperate children and can indeed cause them to become downhearted as a result.

According to the book Growing Up Sad, it was not long ago that doctors thought there was no such thing as childhood depression. But time and experience have proved otherwise. Today, the authors assert, childhood depression is recognized and not at all uncommon. Among its causes are rejection and mistreatment by parents. The authors explain: “In some cases the parent has subjected the child to a constant barrage of criticism and humiliation. In other cases there is simply a void in the parent-child relationship: the parent’s love for the child is never expressed. . . . The result is particularly tragic for the children of such parents because to a child—or to a grown-up, for that matter—love is like sunshine and water to a plant.”

Through parental love, if expressed clearly and openly, children learn an important truth: They are lovable; they have worth. Many mistake this concept for a form of arrogance, a love of self over others. But in this context, that is not what is meant. One author says in her book on the subject: “Your child’s judgment of himself influences the kinds of friends he chooses, how he gets along with others, the kind of person he marries, and how productive he will be.” The Bible acknowledges how important it is to have a balanced, unegotistical view of self when it lists as the second greatest of the commandments: “You must love your neighbor as yourself.”—Matthew 22:38, 39.

It is hard to imagine any normal parent wanting to shatter something as important and fragile as a child’s self-worth. Why, then, does it happen so often? And how can it be prevented?

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