Why Don’t Girls Like Me?
I’m really impressing her. I’ve told her all about myself—the things I own, the places I’ve been, the people I know. She must be dying to date me!
I wish the ground would open and swallow me up! Can’t he take a hint? How can I end this conversation without being rude?
YOU’RE old enough to date. You’d like to find someone who is attractive and who shares your religious beliefs. (1 Corinthians 7:39) In the past, though, each time you tried to start a relationship, you felt as though you crashed and burned. What went wrong? Are girls looking only for the best-looking boys? “Some muscles on him can’t hurt,” admits a girl named Lisa. Still, most girls are looking for something more. “The good-looking boys don’t always have substance,” says 18-year-old Carrie.
What’s involved in having “substance”? If you’d like to get to know a girl better, what factors do you need to consider? And what Bible principles would you do well to remember?
What to Do First
Before you decide to pursue your interest in a particular girl, there are some basic skills you need to master, and these will help you to be friends with anyone. Consider the following.
● Cultivate good manners. The Bible says that “love is not ill-mannered.” (1 Corinthians 13:5, Today’s English Version) Good manners show that you respect others and that you’re developing a mature, Christlike personality. However, good manners aren’t like a suit you wear to impress others but take off when you get home. Ask yourself, ‘Do I display good manners when dealing with my family members?’ If not, then it will seem forced when you do so while interacting with others outside your home. Remember, to find out the type of person you really are, a discerning girl will look at the way you treat members of your family.—Ephesians 6:1, 2.
What girls say: “I definitely find it attractive if a boy displays good manners both in small things, like opening the door for me, and larger things, like being kind and considerate not only to me but also to my family.”—Tina.
“I am put off when I’ve just met someone but he asks questions that are too personal, such as ‘Are you dating?’ and ‘What are your goals?’ It’s rude and makes me squirm!”—Kathy.
“I find it disrespectful when boys think they can play with our emotions, as if our feelings don’t matter and we are all so desperate to get married that we want them to take pity on us.”—Alexis.
● Maintain your personal hygiene. Good hygiene shows respect not only for others but also for yourself. (Matthew 7:12) If you respect yourself, others are more likely to respect you. On the other hand, if you let your hygiene slide, you’ll sabotage your efforts to impress a girl.
What girls say: “One boy who was interested in me had really bad breath. I just couldn’t get past that.”—Kelly.
● Cultivate conversation skills. The basis of a lasting relationship is good communication. You discuss not only your interests but also the interests of your friend. (Philippians 2:3, 4) You really listen to what she has to say and you value her opinions.
What girls say: “I’m impressed when a boy can converse with me naturally—when he can remember things I told him and can ask questions that keep the conversation moving.”—Christine.
“I think that boys are attracted to what they see, but girls are more attracted to what they hear.”—Laura.
“Gifts are great. But if a boy can hold a good conversation, if he can comfort and encourage you with his words . . . Wow! That’s attractive.”—Amy.
“I know one young man who is polite and never overly familiar. We can actually have meaningful conversations without his saying things like, ‘You smell really good’ or ‘You look very cute today.’ He really listens to what I say, and that would make any girl feel good.”—Beth.
“I would definitely want to get to know someone better if he had a sense of humor but could also talk about more serious things without sounding fake.”—Kelly.
● Be responsible. The Bible says: “We each must carry our own load.” (Galatians 6:5, Contemporary English Version) Girls won’t be attracted to a young man who can’t hold down a job because he is lazy or because he spends too much time at play.
What girls say: “I wish some boys would take on more responsibility. It’s a definite turn-off when they don’t. It doesn’t give a good impression.”—Carrie.
“Some boys don’t have their goals straight. If they’re interested in a girl, they find out what her goals are and they say, ‘Wow, that’s what I want to do!’ But their present actions prove the opposite.”—Beth.
Being responsible, as illustrated above, will help you to enjoy good friendships. However, once you feel that you are ready to start a serious relationship with a particular girl, what should you do?
The Next Step
● Take the initiative. If you think a friend whom you admire might make a good marriage mate, let her know you are interested in her. Be clear and forthright in declaring your feelings. Yes, it can be nerve-racking. You fear rejection. But your being willing to take the initiative is a sign that you have grown up. One caution, though: This isn’t a marriage proposal. So be discerning. An overly somber or overly earnest approach may intimidate a girl rather than attract her.
What girls say: “I can’t read minds. So if someone wanted to get to know me better, he would have to be honest and straightforward and just tell me.”—Nina.
“It could be an awkward transition if you’ve been friends for a while. But I’d respect someone if he simply said that he would like to get to know me as more than just a friend.”—Helen.
● Respect the girl’s decision. What if your friend says that she doesn’t want a more serious relationship with you? Dignify her by believing that she knows her own heart and that her no means no. It betrays a lack of maturity if you make a pest of yourself. Really, if you ignore a girl’s explicit rejection of your attention—even becoming provoked by her rebuff—are you really thinking of her interests or your own?—1 Corinthians 13:11.
What girls say: “It irritates me when I say a definite no to a boy but he keeps on trying.”—Colleen.
“I explained to one boy that I wasn’t interested in him, but he kept pressuring me for my phone number. I wanted to be nice. After all, it probably wasn’t easy for him to work up the nerve to express his feelings. But eventually I had to be very firm with him.”—Sarah.
What Not to Do
Some young men feel that they have little trouble getting girls to like them. They may even compete with their peers to show who can grab the attention of the most girls. However, such competition is cruel and will earn you a bad reputation. (Proverbs 20:11) You can avoid that outcome if you keep the following in mind.
● Don’t flirt. A flirt uses flattering speech and provocative body language. He has no intention of pursuing an honorable romantic relationship. Such actions and attitudes ignore the Bible’s counsel to treat “younger women as sisters with all chasteness.” (1 Timothy 5:2) Flirts make poor friends and worse marriage mates. Discerning girls know that.
What girls say: “I think it’s very unattractive when someone flatters you but you know that he has said the same things to your friend just last month.”—Helen.
“This cute boy once started flirting with me, talking mainly about himself. When another girl joined our group, he did the same with her. Then a third girl joined our group, and he used the same lines on her. It was ugly!”—Tina.
● Don’t toy with a girl’s feelings. Don’t expect that friendship with a member of the opposite sex will operate according to the same rules as friendship with a member of the same sex. Why? Consider: If you remarked that a male friend looked good in his new suit or you regularly talked to that friend and confided in him, it is unlikely that he would think that you are romantically attracted to him. But if you compliment a girl on her appearance or you regularly talk to her and confide in her, she may well think that you have a romantic interest in her.
What girls say: “I just don’t think boys understand that they can’t treat girls the same way that they treat their male friends.”—Sheryl.
“A boy will get my phone number, and then I get a text message from him. So, . . . what does that mean? Sometimes you can have a text-messaging relationship and get emotionally attached, but how much can you say in a text message?”—Mallory.
“I don’t think a boy realizes how quickly a girl can become emotionally involved, especially if he is caring and easy to talk to. It’s not that she’s desperate. I just think that most girls want to fall in love and that they always have an eye out for ‘Mr. Right.’”—Alison.
READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 2, CHAPTER 3
How can you tell the difference between love and infatuation?
“Put on the new personality which was created according to God’s will in true righteousness and loyalty.”—Ephesians 4:24.
Ask a few mature adults what skill they think is most important for a young man to develop, and determine whether this is an area you need to work on.
DID YOU KNOW . . . ?
How you look on the outside is less important than what you are on the inside.
One area in which I could become more mannerly is ․․․․․
To improve my conversation skills, I will ․․․․․
What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
● How can you show that you respect yourself?
● How can you show that you respect a girl’s thoughts and feelings?
[Blurb on page 198]
“Boys think that to attract girls they have to dress a certain way or have a certain look. While this is true to some degree, I think that many girls are more attracted to positive personality traits.”—Kate
[Picture on page 197]
Good manners aren’t like a suit you wear to impress others but take off when you get home